Tattered & Torn

by A. J. Downey

  “You know she hasn’t touched another guy in months? Ever since the first time you made a comment about it? She heard you man.” He’d stared into the fire, resolutely not looking at my dumb ass.

  “What do you mean?” I’d asked.

  “I mean, you dumb fucker, that she likes you. Like, really likes you and she hasn’t touched another dude. She’s talked about it and implied, sure but she hasn’t been with anybody since she overheard you tellin’ Trig that you thought she was pretty but couldn’t deal with sharing. She went cold turkey and hasn’t touched another dude since, even though by all rights it could get her bounced from coming around the clubhouse. So why don’t you stop being a jackass, put on your big boy pants and go say you’re sorry?” he’d gotten up and wandered off leaving me at the fire with the other guys who had moved off onto conversations about how to best control mouthy club whores. The general consensus being with a dick in their mouth or with the back of a hand to their mouth. Neither of which I was on board with. At least not the way they suggested it.

  “What are you thinking about so hard?” she asked me gently and I sniffed and adjusted the way I was sitting in the booth.

  “Nothin’,” I lied. She nodded slowly and stirred an insane amount of cream and sugar into a coffee Margie had poured for her. I took a swallow of mine which I’d left black while the silence became thick and awkward between us.

  “How are classes?” I blurted in a desperate attempt to keep us from bogging down in the uncomfortable past. She fidgeted in her seat.

  “I stopped going. I’m, um, on hiatus.” She wouldn’t look at me and I felt like I’d stepped in it hip deep.

  “I didn’t know,” I said at last.

  “There’s a lot you don’t know apparently,” she said under her breath in a barely audible mumble.

  “So why don’t you fill me in Princess?” I raised an eyebrow and rose to the challenge. She froze, looking at me.

  “Why do you care?” she blurted and I could see she was gearing up. I used to love pissing her off. She was so fucking pretty when she was pissed. Except this time I could see it for what it was. She was using her anger as a shield. I deserved her being pissed at me though, so I let it roll like water off a duck’s back.

  “I fucked up. I can admit that Shelly. So in all seriousness, why don’t you fill me in Sweetheart?” she stared at me coldly but the anger in her eyes lost its edge pretty damned quick.

  “I don’t… I can’t…” she turned her face away and stared out the windowpane through the dusty slats of the old venetian blinds. She was unconsciously hugging herself but it wasn’t cold in here. Far from it. I’d touched a nerve and thrown her off base. Good.

  “Why’d you quit school?” I asked gently.

  “I quit everything. I quit life,” she said and her mouth closed and set into resolute lines of silence. I nodded. It was a start.

  “Thank you,” I sat up straighter and so did she as Margie approached and set down our plates.

  “For what? What’d I do?” she asked confused. I smiled and cut into my omelet and took a bite. She closed her eyes and her shoulders dropped in defeat.

  “My heart is not your dick, so stop playing with it,” she said and it was my turn to freeze up. Truthfully I was surprised as hell I didn’t choke on my food. Where the hell had that come from?

  “I would never… Why would you say that to me?” I asked, totally taken aback and I really hoped she would fill me in because I was at a total loss.

  “I’ve always been that girl. You know?” she said and her hands trembled as she took a sip of her orange juice, her waffle sitting forgotten in front of her. Whatever this was, it was important so I set down my knife and fork and gave her my full attention.

  “What girl, Baby?” I asked her.

  “The one who was always good enough to fuck, to fool around with and have a good time with but not… not for anything else. I got tired of having my heart busted so I just kind of gave in. Figured I might as well enjoy myself until someone came along who saw me. Then you showed up and wow, I really liked you but you didn’t want to have anything to do with me,” she shrugged and I blinked, at a total loss. I’d never heard her say anything like this to anyone. Silence stretched between us and she picked up her fork, cutting into the whipped cream and berry covered breakfast confection in front of her. I looked at her, I mean really looked at her.

  “I don’t know what to say,” my voice was hollowed out. I sat in stunned disbelief. I never in a million years realized that Shelly felt that way. She’d always seemed so, confident and sure and… she’d always just been so on top of things and was such a fireball. I sat back.

  “You don’t need to say anything. I don’t even know why I said any of that, just please… eat your food it’s getting cold.” She wouldn’t look at me. She was entirely too tense and the only thing that gave her total state of anxiety away was this flinching around her eyes as I scrutinized her. A lot of shit suddenly made some sense. I picked up my fork but it hung useless in my hand as I considered her.

  “You were right,” I said finally, switching gears.

  “Right about what?” she asked, picking at her food.

  “About what you said last night. I haven’t been around and I’d like to change that. I’d like to try and be friends,” I said and she snorted indelicately and dropped her fork with a sharp clack against the plate.

  “Sure, okay,” she said and let out a pent up breath.

  “Not okay,” I said and she looked at me.

  “I’d like to try and be friends to start but ultimately I’d really like to get to know you… Maybe take you on a date.” I ventured and she stared at me, poleaxed and started to look around.

  “What are you doing?” I asked.

  “Looking for the guys, or the camera,” she said. Well that was a shit thing to say but I couldn’t say I hadn’t earned her mistrust.

  “What?” I asked frowning.

  “This is some kind of cruel practical joke right?” she asked and her words were like a blow to my chest. I wanted to rise to the bait, to get pissed off and tell her to fuck right off because what she was saying hurt for a multitude of reasons but I stopped myself and considered her.

  “You don’t trust me?” I asked. She gave a rude snort.

  “Only person I trust is Reaver and I don’t even know if I can really even do that anymore, he’s been a little… distracted.” She shrugged and had the grace to look uncomfortable with her admission and I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding.

  “You’ve really been dicked over haven’t you?” I asked and wanted to kick myself when she frowned.

  “What was your first clue?” she asked. I shook my head incredulous and replayed a whole lot of things, a whole lot of interactions over the last couple of years over in my head using these new sets of filters I’d just been given and felt almost like an even bigger jackass than before.

  “Okay Princess,” I said and started eating. She stared at me.

  “Okay what?” she demanded.

  “You don’t trust me then I’m gonna have to earn it.” I shrugged. She looked at me like I had grown horns or something. I took a bite of omelet.

  “So I’m going to earn it,” I finished and chewed carefully. She cocked her head to the side and considered me.

  “Yeah, we’ll see about that,” she sounded skeptical and fucked if she didn’t have every right to be.

  “I guess we will,” I smiled at her and she looked at me with some serious misgivings. This wasn’t going to be easy, but then again, for as easy as Shelly had been when I’d met her, she was one of the most difficult people I had ever met.

  We lapsed back into silence, and I watched her as she stared at her plate like the answers would come to her in the patterns the melting whipped cream left in the strawberries.

  “Shelly,” I said quietly, she flinched at her name and looked up, clear blue eyes troubled.

  “What?”

&
nbsp; “Eat your breakfast,” I said gently and she picked up the fork and took a tentative bite, but it was plain for anyone to see, she either had no appetite at all or the one she may have had, had fled. This was going to be one long and winding road.

  Chapter 5

  Shelly…

  Ghost was throwing curve balls faster than I could bat at them. I picked at my food. It was good, I just wasn’t all that hungry all of a sudden. I took a deep breath and forced my way through half the waffle even though my stomach was churning. I didn’t know why I had told him any of those things and I found myself really wishing I could take it all back. I guess I was just tired of him judging me.

  I huddled miserably in my seat and tried to look anywhere and everywhere but at him. The view of the parking lot through the disgusting venetian blinds suddenly became really, really fascinating.

  The diner was clean for the most part, just shabby. The table top wood had been heavily lacquered at one point but now that lacquer was hazy; pitted and scarred with age. Still, it was undeniably clean when we’d sat down. The dishes and flatware were clean too, if chipped here and there. Really it just seemed as if whoever did the regular cleaning for the place had simply overlooked or forgotten the blinds. I closed my eyes and took in a slow deep breath and let it out slowly.

  The damned blinds didn’t matter. Nor did the rest of my surroundings. I was just fixating on them so I didn’t have to think about anything else, because everything that Ghost was putting into my head had the potential to destroy the last little bits of me if it all went wrong. And honestly, when was the last time anything had really gone right for me? I really didn’t think I was up for what he was proposing, the last part anyways, I mean dating? Really? I mean come on! Really?

  “I can’t,” I said and my voice surprised even me after our long silence, while he’d eaten and I had picked at my food. His hazel eyes flicked to mine, puzzlement shining in them. I felt like my soul was folding in on its self. What he was proposing, the shiny carrot he was dangling in front of my nose… Why now?

  “This isn’t fair,” I said and it sounded childish even to me.

  “You can’t just all of a sudden decide that I’m worth trying for, that I’m worth dating after… after what happened! I mean come on! It’s not fair or even very realistic Ghost.” I wanted it. I wanted it so very badly but at the same time I was terrified, if I did and he decided I was too broken or too fucked up and he disappeared on me… I swallowed hard. I would not cry. I was so not going to cry.

  I wrapped both hands around my anger which was trying to leave, to retreat in the face of my fear and yes, even hope. No, I wrapped both hands around my anger and with every bit of strength I possessed I tried to pull it back to me, trying to hide behind something familiar so I didn’t have to feel anything else. I tried so hard to hold onto it so nothing else had room to get in and so nothing else could get through. I needed to protect myself. I couldn’t allow myself to believe in any of this.

  “Shhhh, it’s okay Princess,” he soothed and I blinked at the unexpected reaction. I expected him to buck up, to be harsh, to say something incredibly mean or to shrug me off. I expected derision, condescension even, but the warmth and compassion that was coming from him made my brain melt. I broke open and spilled my awful truth out across the table at him.

  “It’s not okay Ghost! I’m not okay and I don’t know if I’m ever going to be okay again. I’m never going to be the same. That was stolen from me and I don’t know if it’s possible to ever get that back! So save your pity for the poor slut who got what was coming to her, I don’t want it or need it!”

  I slid out of the booth, his hand shot out, an angry look on his face and I felt a surge of success as I dodged his grasping hand, but just barely. I turned and swept out of the diner, making strides into the crisp fall air and across the parking lot. Eating up the asphalt in long strides until I was all the way across it. I stopped at the corner by the edge of the road and put my hands on my knees taking deep cleansing breaths. Letting my heart rate cool. I pretty much instantaneously felt bad for ripping on Ghost but at the same time felt just a bit lighter for having gotten some things off my chest.

  “I want to kill him all over again,” I heard him mutter dispassionately behind me. I turned and he stood a few feet behind me, hands buried deep in his jacket pockets head bowed, eyes hidden by the bill of his hat but the downward twist to his lips screamed his displeasure.

  “Well you can’t, and neither can I,” I said bitterly, maintaining my front.

  “I want to hug you,” he said, but made no move towards me. I felt something in my chest loosen but I wasn’t ready to let go my walls just yet.

  “I don’t like being touched anymore,” I said and gritted my teeth because I really, really wanted to be held. My pride denied me though. He sighed and looked at me.

  “Let me take you to your car?” he asked. I wasn’t too familiar with this part of town but I was pretty sure that ORG, Open Road Garage, was only a mile or two away. I could find my way there on my own and walking never hurt anyone.

  “Come on Princess,” his voice was gentle and a little sad, “Just let me be your friend, let me take you to your car and we’ll go from there. One step, one day at a time.” His words were like a siren’s call and I found myself relenting. I nodded slowly and he took a few steps back towards his truck. I reluctantly followed when what I really wanted to do was scream at him to stop confusing me, but I couldn’t… because I was pretty sure I was only confusing myself. I was so bitter and so fucking angry and I was taking it out on everyone and it wasn’t fair to them. I just didn’t know how to stop. I didn’t know how to process this big horrible no good very bad thing that had taken over my life and my dreams and dogged every step I took. I knew what my heart wanted. Had always known what it wanted but my god damned head always had to get in the way.

  “Oh shit! Hey, no Shells, no don’t cry, Baby.” He took several steps at me and I back pedaled as fast as I could, dashing at the cresting moisture in my eyes.

  “I’m not crying, my eyes are watering. Wind caught me just right,” I lied and I sucked it up and shut it down. Pulled myself up by the proverbial boot straps and strode past him. I stood at his passenger side door for the moment it took him to catch up to me. He unlocked it and opened the door for me despite me being such a total manic cunt and I felt my shoulders drop along with my mood, even further into the abyss of self-loathing.

  “Thanks,” I muttered and heaved myself up into the passenger seat. I startled and looked down into his upturned face when he rested a hand on my knee.

  “I was a complete and total selfish asshole, Shelly. I’m going to try really damned hard to make that up to you,” he said. I felt my mouth open. I had just found my voice and was going to speak when he patted my knee twice and withdrew his hand, shutting the door tightly behind him. I stared at where he had been, mutely until the sound of him opening his door broke me from my silent reverie.

  “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be taking it out on you,” I tried.

  “You go right ahead Sweetheart, I’ve earned a few licks for what I said to you that night... More than a few.” His jaw clenched and a muscle ticked and I chewed my lower lip thoughtfully.

  “You didn’t rape me,” I said at last, my voice hollow. I hated that word. It held a new and terrible, extra special loathing and I had studiously avoided it up until right that second. I turned my head to look at Ghost and his hand slipped from the key in the ignition, before he managed to turn the truck over.

  “No, I didn’t, but I did hurt you just the same, and by the sound of things, pretty deeply,” he said and he was right, his words had hurt. I had never, not once, felt ashamed of my extracurricular activities until he had berated them. He’d called me a whore, except no one had ever made me feel like one until that moment.

  I really didn’t want to think about this anymore. I didn’t want to think about any of it, but it was there just the same, breathing down m
y neck, crushing me into the forest floor just the same as that night. I swallowed hard.

  “I’m sorry Shelly,” he said and he reached forward and turned the truck on.

  “Yeah, me too,” I said softly. He put the truck in reverse and pulled out of the lot and into the street.

  “Friends?” he asked several moments later.

  “I’ll try,” I said and he gave me a crooked smile and nodded, turning on the radio. Country music filled the truck and I made a horrified face.

  “Make it stop or I take it back,” I said disgustedly, attempting at some levity. He laughed and switched the station.

  “What do you listen to?” he asked. I slapped his hand and pushed buttons until I found my regular station. The Fray’s, Over My Head filled the truck and I turned my face back to the window. The cab growing thick with emotions evoked by the song I reached over and powered off the stereo. God. I couldn’t even have a minute without all this heavy shit weighing me down!

  “Sometimes silence is better huh?” he asked and I nodded. I wanted so badly to be able to say that it was rarely ever silent in my head anymore. That the me on the inside was screaming, over and over and slamming myself into the inside of my skull. I wanted so badly to be able to trust someone, anyone with my deep dark secrets. To be the real me and to not have to be afraid of their judgments and recriminations, but I couldn’t. Ghost gave a gusty sigh and I turned.

  “What?” I asked.

  “You,” he said finally and I felt myself cringe. Here it comes. I thought. “The longer you sit there, the longer you’re silent, the more you look tore down. You’re tearing yourself apart in there aren’t you?” he asked.

  “Maybe,” I hedged.

  “Well stop. Just stop, Honey,” his voice had dipped in that way that was purely comforting.