Trusting Him

by Brenda Minton

  She was outside her safety zone and he wasn't here, that was what. It made her mad, thinking that way, that he had been the one to push her this far, to make her think she could trust. And now he was gone. Not gone, just missing in action.

  "You've got to stop feeling sorry for yourself."

  Maggie turned, shocked by her grandmother's words. It seemed like an echo of what she had just been on the verge of telling herself. She was strong. She was a survivor.

  Michael. He was strong, too.

  It should have been easy to move on. It would have been easy if she hadn't fallen in love. It defied logic, that she could have fallen so easily after so many years of protecting her heart.

  "Maggie, it isn't over, you know." Grandma patted her arm with a warm hand. "He needs for you to continue to believe in him. He needs your prayers."

  "I'm still praying." Hadn't she recently witnessed a prayer answered? It had taken years, but she now had a father and he was a very real part of her life.

  She even felt like she had forgiven him.

  Would it take years for her prayers for Michael to be answered? She closed her eyes at the heaviness of that thought. She hoped it wouldn't. But when he did come back to them, would he be a changed person? Someone other than the Michael she had come to care for?

  Pastor Banks and Chance walked out of the house, the two nudging each other in a friendly dispute. Chance was another prayer answered. He was coming to church now. His grades were improving. More than that, his attitude was improving.

  Michael had helped so much. He had given something to these kids, especially to Chance. For that reason she had to trust him. And there were other reasons to keep trusting. Her heart being the biggest. It wouldn't let her give up.

  * * *

  Michael had parked in a lot across from the church, hoping he would see Maggie. He just wanted to see for himself that she was okay. And he needed to remind himself of what he was working for and why.

  For two weeks he had been living in his past. He had gone places and seen people that he had hoped he would never seen again.

  He had been tempted and he had survived.

  Leaning against the steering wheel of his car, he peered through the sheets of rain, making out the images of people running from the church to their cars. Only one person captured his attention.

  Today she wore a white shirt and a blue skirt, and her honey-blond hair was pulled back in a braid. Her father ran behind her, holding up an umbrella. Jacob Simmons was sheltering his daughter for the first time in her life.

  Michael felt the catch in his heart. The empty ache grew. He wanted to jump out of his car and go after her. He wanted to pull her into his arms and tell her the truth. To keep her safe he had to let her believe the lies, the careful web of deception he had spun around himself. Even his parents were starting to believe the rumors.

  He could even imagine what people were saying: Michael Carson, prison hadn't taught him a thing. Oh, sure, he had put on a good show for everyone. He had professed faith, gone to church, helped troubled youth, but it had all been an act.

  He leaned his head against the steering wheel and took a deep breath. He had at least hoped that Maggie might believe in him. But then, he had done his best to make sure she didn't.

  He whispered a prayer that she would heal and that she would find someone to trust, someone who would take care of her. As he whispered that prayer he realized something. He realized that God had already sent someone to love Maggie Simmons. Michael loved her. He wasn't noble enough to want someone else in her life. He sighed, allowing himself to accept that fact. He loved her.

  It was more than a need for friendship, more than a desire to have someone there for him. She was more than a partner in ministry. He loved her.

  He could even be strong enough for her. He knew that now. He had been tested and survived. He had been tempted and he had withstood the temptation.

  But would she want him in her life when he had done everything in his power to push her away? Would she want him, when he brought her pain and made her think of a mother who hadn't been able to stay clean?

  Michael shifted into Reverse and backed out of the parking space. He had a job to do, one that he couldn't get out of. He was going to lead the police to a house in the country that was being used for a major drug operation. He had pictures, names and addresses, all of which had been given over to officer Conway. In a few days this would all be over.

  And while the bust was going down, Michael was going to try one last time to find Katherine. He had a limited window of opportunity to drag her out of his mess. And afterward? He hoped that Maggie would let him explain. If she didn't? Well, he had learned he was stronger than he thought. He would survive.

  He didn't want to think of surviving without her.

  * * *

  A glimpse of red caught Maggie's attention. She glanced toward the street, confirming her suspicions. Michael. He was there, in his car, watching.

  "Michael." She felt a catch in her heart as he drove away. It had been two weeks since she'd seen him at the church. Two weeks, and nobody had seen him in that time.

  "Maggie, why don't you go ahead and get in the car while I go back to the church for your grandmother?"

  Maggie looked up at her dad, at Jacob Simmons. He was actually in her life. And soon he wanted her to go with him to Illinois to meet his wife and to meet her two brothers. He looked down at her, still holding the umbrella as he waited for her to get in the car.

  Maybe she should go with him when he left in a few days. It might be good to get away from Missouri and away from thoughts of Michael.

  "I need to go after him." She watched Michael's car drive away.

  "You can't." He held the door open. "Maggie, I don't know Michael Carson, but it sounds like he's a young man with some problems."

  "No, I don't think so. And if he does have problems, shouldn't his friends be there to help him?"

  "Not in the rain. Besides he's gone now." He smiled an encouraging smile. "Get in before we're both soaked."

  She slid into the back seat. Michael's car had disappeared. That left her to speculate. What had he been doing outside the church? Why hadn't he approached them?

  The front door of the car opened and Grandma got in. Maggie's dad closed the door quickly as wind and rain sliced through the opening.

  "Maggie, honey, are you okay?" Gran whipped off her plastic rain scarf and turned with a smile in place. "Try not to worry about Michael. I think he'll be back soon."

  "I hope so."

  * * *

  On Tuesday afternoon local breaking news interrupted the radio program Maggie had been listening to as she helped her grandmother clean. As the news anchor spoke about a widespread area drug bust, Maggie flipped on the television. The broadcast was live, showing a secluded house set among a thick cover of trees.

  Maggie dropped the dust rag on the table and reached for her purse. As she hurried through the house, looking for her lost tennis shoes, her grandmother walked out of the laundry room.

  "Where are you going in such a hurry?"

  "Gran, I have to go check on Michael."

  Maggie walked into her room, thinking her grandmother would follow. Instead she heard the volume on the television go up. When she walked into the living room, her grandmother was sitting in the recliner.

  "I think you should stay here and let him come to you."

  "He might need me."

  "Maggie, you don't even know if he's involved."

  Maggie sat, leaning to tie her shoes. "No, I know. But I feel like this has something to do with him. He asked me to trust him. I do. But I need an explanation."

  "Did you forget that Faith is on her way over?"

  Maggie groaned. "Yes, I forgot. But she might be late. She's working on a new project."

  "Maggie, why don't you call Michael? That might be better."

  "No, I really want to see if I can find him."

  Grandma followed her to the do
or. As they opened it, Faith pulled up. Maggie kissed her grandmother on the cheek.

  "Faith will go with me. I'll be fine."

  As she walked down the sidewalk toward Faith, Maggie searched for that confidence she'd felt a few minutes ago. She was going to find Michael. She had allowed herself to lose hope for the last few weeks, thinking that he was slipping and he wanted it that way.

  Speculation. She had played the game. She had taken one piece of information and built a story that seemed to fit. But there were pieces missing.

  Would a person who was slipping ask someone to trust him, to believe in him? Would he watch from a corner parking lot?

  And would someone who believed in him and trusted him let him slip away without a fight? She didn't think so.

  * * *

  Michael sat on his front porch with Katherine. It was shady and cooler than inside the trailer. They had been there for an hour, since Michael pulled Katherine from the house she'd been staying in for the last month. She was shaking, her eyes glassy from the toxic poisons she had been surviving on.

  "Katherine, I called your parents. They're going to get you some help. We're going to take you to the hospital." He should have called an ambulance from the house where he'd found her, but she had seemed fine at the time.

  Not fine, but definitely not in need of immediate medical attention.

  "I can't believe you're doing this to me." Her words were tossed out in an angry wave, but her voice was raspy, not at all strong.

  "Yes, I'm a horrible person."

  "You're a jerk." She tried to pull free from his restraining hand. He tightened his grip. "You've found religion, so now you think we all need to find some for ourselves."

  "I can only pray that you will, but that isn't why I'm doing this. I'm doing this because I care about you. We've been friends for a long time, and I don't want you to die."

  "Did you ever stop to think that I want to die?" She spoke in words barely above a whisper now. "Why did you have to save me? You know that I'm dying anyway."

  "You can be treated for Hep C."

  "Yes, treated." She chewed on her bottom lip as she looked away from him.

  Tires hummed on the paved road. He looked up, expecting company, not expecting to see Maggie's car driving past. Oh, Maggie. He sighed when she slowed, started to turn, but then went on. Maggie.

  He held on to Katherine's arm, knowing that Maggie would assume the worst, and he couldn't do anything about it.

  "Michael, let me go."

  "I can't. You have to get help."

  "I don't want help."

  "I think you do." He held on to her. "I want you better."

  "I know." She leaned her head down. "I want to be better. I just don't know if I can do it."

  "I'll be here to help." He kept his hand on her arm, knowing that even now she could be playing him. And he really needed to call Maggie.

  * * *

  As they drove past Michael's, Faith put a comforting hand on Maggie's arm. Deep breath, Maggie shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts and the horrible ache.

  "I'm fine."

  Faith looked apologetic, she had no reason to be. "No, you're not."

  "I'm not my mother. I'm not going to spend my life waiting for one man to show up in my life. I'm not waiting for him to rescue me or make my world right."

  "Of course you aren't."

  "I was content before Michael Carson and I'll be content without him."

  "You were very content."

  Maggie pulled to the side of the road as her cell phone rang. She looked at the caller ID and shook her head. "Stop patronizing me, Faith. I know what you're thinking."

  "Maybe you should stop jumping to conclusions and answer the phone. Maybe he can explain."

  Maggie gave Faith the look, the one that told her friend to stop looking for easy answers. Maggie had come to her senses, Faith needed to do the same.

  He was with another woman, probably his friend Katherine. Common sense told her she needed answers, and the answers could only come from Michael, but the part of her that hurt wanted to crawl off somewhere and lick her wounds until she healed.

  It seemed impossible, that she had fallen so deeply in love with him. But then, it wasn't really impossible. The Michael who had held her hand, cared about her kids and sent her dinner, was the Michael she had allowed into her life and her heart.

  He was the Michael who instinctively knew that healing would begin in her life when she confronted her dad. He had done that for her.

  After all of that, shouldn't she do as he asked and trust him? Shouldn't she give him a chance to explain? That seemed reasonable, but self-preservation said that any explanation he gave could be a lie. Maybe it had all been a lie.

  Tears burned her eyes as she remembered how it had felt to be cared about by Michael Carson. And how it felt to have him walk away. Stupid tears. She wiped them away with the back of her hand and let the phone ring. It didn't stop. Mozart continued to play in bell tones that rattled her nerves.

  "Answer it, Maggie." Faith handed her the phone she had set back down on the console between the seats.

  "I can't. Not right now."

  "You're being stubborn."

  "No, I'm not. It might look like I'm being stubborn, but what I'm doing is protecting myself. My mother spent fourteen years waiting for Jacob Simmons to come back. Until the end she believed his lies."

  "Michael isn't Jacob Simmons."

  Maggie shifted her car into Drive and pulled back onto the road, heading away from the trailer where Michael was with another woman. "No, Michael isn't anything like my father. What scares me is that I'm a lot like my mother."

  And the only way to solve that problem was to take control of her life. She had to move forward and make real changes.

  "I think I'm going to take my father up on his offer to visit my family in Illinois. A change of scenery is probably the perfect cure."

  For a broken heart.

  * * *

  Michael wasn't going to let Maggie get away with ignoring him, but he had to wait a few days for things to settle down. Katherine's parents had taken her to a treatment facility and Vince was in jail. Michael had started reclaiming his life. He had talked to his parents and then to Pastor Banks. He had explained what he could and apologized for any pain he had caused.

  Maggie was the one person he had yet to talk to. He wanted to have the right words to explain. And she had to be willing to listen. When he called her on Friday she didn't answer, not the first call. He wasn't giving up. He called again thirty minutes later. That time she answered. The reaction to her voice took him by surprise. It felt like coming home after a long time away.

  It was like rain after a long drought. It washed over him, comforting, refreshing. He had known he missed her, at that moment he realized just how much he missed her.

  "Michael." Her voice trembled, or at least it sounded that way to him. He wished he could see her, so he could read her expression.

  "Maggie, you finally answered."

  "I had to. I wanted to let you know that I'm going to Illinois for a few weeks. I have vacation time I haven't taken for a few years."

  "When are you leaving?" His heart thudded heavily at the idea of losing her again. If he had ever really had her.

  What if the feelings were one-sided? What if she didn't feel what he felt? Or if she had, what if his actions over the past few weeks had pushed her permanently from his life?

  "Maggie, I would at least like a chance to explain."

  "You don't have to."

  "I do have to. I know that you have questions about what has been going on with me. You saw Katherine at my place. I was trying to help her, nothing more."

  "It's okay, Michael. Pastor Banks told me everything. He thought I should know. He wanted me to know that you'll be back with us."

  So she knew, and she was still leaving? His heart plummeted.

  "Maggie…"

  "Michael, you have to find your way.
That's what you've been doing. You had things you felt a need to take care of. Now I have things I have to take care of. We all make choices. You have to find your path and the direction God is taking you."

  "Maggie, I can't have this conversation on the phone." He needed to see her, to hold her.

  She didn't answer. At first he thought she had hung up, but then she spoke again, her voice strong. "There's no need for that. We can talk when I get back. I left some materials on my desk, some books to help you plan activities for the kids."

  "That's it, then?"

  "That's it. I'll see you soon. 'Bye for now."

  And then she was gone.

  * * *

  Maggie was proud of herself. She didn't cry until she clicked her phone closed and dropped it in her purse. After that the tears rolled down her cheeks.

  Being strong shouldn't have felt so bad. She had told herself that this was the right thing to do. She needed time away, time to regroup and decide where her own path was leading. Michael needed time to regain his footing. He didn't need her to help him with that. What he'd done for the police proved that he was strong.

  She had to prove to herself that she was just as strong. At first the thought of losing Michael had felt like the end of the world to her. And that had scared her. Those feelings had made her think of her mother's love for Jacob Simmons, a love that had held her mom captive until the very end.

  Maggie could move on. She was moving on.

  Only her heart didn't agree. Her heart was telling her that a forever love wouldn't be such a bad thing. She knew better. It would be a bad thing if the love was one-sided.

  She picked up the phone to call the airport. If she was going to Illinois, she needed to make this call. She would get her plane ticket. That would finalize the process.

  A car door slammed. Maggie put the phone down and walked to the front door. Grandma was quilting with friends. Faith was visiting her parents for the day. She had a sneaking suspicion that she knew who would be at the door, and her heart clued her in to the fact that she wasn't as willing to walk away as she thought.