“Still. He was in our bedroom. No one besides us should ever be in our bedroom.”
I raise an eyebrow at that. “So you’re saying Madilyn is no longer welcome in our room?”
“That’s exactly what I’m saying. And neither is your new pal Dixon.”
I nod. “Noted.”
I start to think that maybe this is the end of our conversation. I mean, both of us have addressed the things that really sent us both over the edge so to speak, so perhaps this is the end. But then I think that maybe, while we’re at it, we should get everything else off our chests too. There’s too much that has been swept under the rug, and perhaps it’s time to bring it out into the open.
“Colin, there’s something I need to tell you,” I say, sitting straight up in bed. I look over at him as he follows suit. I take a deep breath, and then close my eyes. “Your friend Madilyn is playing you. She came here for you. She came here hoping to win you back.”
He raises his eyebrows, and he shakes his head like he doesn’t believe me.
“It’s true.” I don’t know what to say to convince him. Thus far, he’s taken her side over mine, and I don’t know if I want to risk that happening again. But I also don’t want him stumbling around his friendship with her completely blind. He needs to know what I know, and then maybe the both of us can figure out how to proceed. “She told me herself.”
He gives me the same expression he just did a few moments ago, staring at me like I grew two more heads. “So you’re telling me she fabricated a black eye and a busted lip? That that bastard, whoever he is, didn’t put his hands on her?”
I shake my head.
“No, that part was true. He did do all of that. But she purposely came here to play you. To make you feel sorry for her. So that you would see her under duress and come to her rescue like you always do. She claims you always need to save people, Colin, and I don’t think she’s wrong. We met and fell in love because I was broken. Because I wanted to die and you pulled me out of freezing cold water. You invited Mich out to Big Springs with us because she had a broken heart. I have a hard time believing that you won’t fall for Madilyn again, the same way you fell for me, because she’s the broken one now.” I pause, getting pissed off all over again as I think of what her plan was. “She’s here to manipulate you into falling in love with her again.”
Colin gawks at me, and his mouth falls open for a minute before he snaps it shut. He leans forward so that he’s on his knees, then straddles my lap. He places his hands on either side of my face before he speaks.
“First of all, we didn’t fall in love because you were broken, or because I pulled you out of the water. I fell in love with you because I was—and always will be—attracted to you. Because you’re beautiful. Because you’re funny, and you make me smile when I don’t want to. Because it broke my heart that very first night when you cried in my arms. Because the minute you did, I wanted to make sure I brought the smile back to your face, the life back into your eyes. Because you’re as strong as I wish I could be, and it inspires me. I didn’t fall in love with you because you were broken. I fell I love with you because I knew you weren’t.” He pauses right before leaning forward and resting his forehead against mine. “And second of all, there’s no way I can fall in love with Madilyn again. I was never in love with her to begin with. That’s not something you ever have to worry about. She’s nobody, Nickayla. She’s barely even a friend. You have nothing to worry about when it comes to her.”
Right now, I’m looking at him, seeing the love in his eyes, the reassurance he’s trying to give me. And no matter how much I try, no matter how calming that cool, green gaze of his is, no matter how long he gives me that beautiful crooked smile of his, I don’t believe a word he’s saying.
But because I love him, I have to trust that what he’s saying is the truth that he believes, whether or not I believe it myself.
“Okay,” I tell him.
I expect that once I’ve said okay, he’ll let my face go, but instead, he does the exact opposite. He leans forward, hands still plastered on either side of my face and places a firm kiss to my lips. His kiss lingers there for a few moments as he lets out a ragged breath. When he pulls away, his expression is pained. His green eyes gaze up at me filled with agony, and I almost look away because I can’t bear to see it. He takes my chin between his thumb and forefinger, inching it upward so that I’ve no choice but to look at him.
His lips pop open, and he inhales deeply before gulping. “I am so sorry that I called you crazy,” he says.
“Colin, it’s okay.”
“It’s not. I know we talked about this already, but I can’t move past it now, or brush it under the rug. Not when I now know why you threw all her things out. Not when I now know why you acted the way that you did. There’s no excuse for what I said to you. There’s no excuse for how I behaved.” He pauses, raking a hand through his unruly dark hair. “I am in love with you. And I pride myself in knowing you better than anyone else in the world. Because I’m in love with you, I should have known better. I should have known that you wouldn’t do something without a good reason. I should have known that you never would have thrown her things out or start an argument with her if you were unprovoked. I know you better than that. I do. And what’s even worse is that I know her, too. She’s the kind of person who likes to test a person just to see how far she can push them. She’ll sit back and observe until she figures out which buttons she can push. Then she pushes them over and over, trying to break you. It sucks, and she’s a horrible person half the time, but I should have known better than to let her stay here with you. I put you in this situation with her multiple times. I should have learned from the first time, but I didn’t. And I’m sorry.”
Closing my eyes is the only way that I can avoid looking at him right now, given the close proximity and the hold he has on me. I run through everything that happened that fateful morning.
The empty coffee pot. My anger. Asking Colin to make her leave. His promise to me. Madilyn’s announcement. Her revelation that she’s only here to try and get back under his skin. Her dig that he deserves better than me because I can’t have sex with him.
One the final thought crosses my mind, my eyes snap open and I glare daggers at Colin.
“You told Madilyn that Kyle raped me.”
It’s not a question. It’s a statement, because I know he did. That’s the only possible explanation for what she said. My tone is accusatory, and he can sense the change in my emotions. I can tell from the way that he recoils like I’ve slapped the shit out of him, which, at this moment, I wish I had, and from the way he ambles off of my lap like he’s afraid that if I haven’t yet, I most certainly will.
“I would never,” he says, his voice small.
“You told her my biggest secret. I know you did! That’s not something everyone needs to know, Colin!”
He’s shaking his head, his hands up in the air, and I sit up straighter, my confidence high as I dare him with my gaze to continue to lie to my face.
Madilyn didn’t outright tell me that he told her, but I’m not stupid.
“She said that you deserve someone who can actually have sex with you. She didn’t say that to insinuate that I wouldn’t. She said that to insinuate that I couldn’t. And that leads me to believe that someone told her my secret, and someone told her about the anxiety I get when you get too close.” My voice drops to a whisper as I struggle to keep my emotions at bay, but to no avail. “How could you, Colin? And don’t you dare lie to me. After all this shit, you’d better not. I deserve the truth.”
His gaze softens so that he no longer looks afraid of me or how I’ll react, and, on all fours, he crawls back over to me. Instead of climbing on top of me again, he sits next to me. He grabs both of my hands in his, and brings them up to his mouth and kisses them softly.
“Nickayla Quinn, I love you with all of my heart. I’ve loved you from the moment that I laid eyes on you. And I will love you unt
il the end of time. There is nothing and no one on this earth that could make me tell your secret. What happened with Kyle and everything after is your secret. It’s your story to tell, should you choose to tell it. After Support Day, I have never been prouder of you. You stood up and did something that most people can’t do. You let go and you set yourself free. I fell in love with you all over again because of it. Because you didn’t have to tell anyone what you went through or how badly it hurt you. But you did. And you became stronger because of it.” He takes a deep breath. “I’ve given you lots of reasons not to trust me. I’ve done and said things to make you question my love, my loyalty to you. I know that. But if you never believe another word that comes out of my mouth, I need you to believe that I would never tell someone else what happened to you. And there’s not a single thing on this planet that would ever make me tell Madilyn. I promise you that.”
I nod, choked up after all he’s just told me. Deep down, I knew that he would never tell her my secret, and I wanted to believe that so badly. But all the odds were stacked against him because of what’s been going on with us lately.
But hearing the sincerity in his voice and witnessing the love in his gaze, I know for a fact that he’s telling the truth. Colin may be a lot of things. He may be vulnerable. He may be sweet to a fault. He may put his trust in the wrong people. He may give his love to the wrong people. But he’s not a liar. And he’s always been trustworthy. Always.
And that’s why I choose to believe him this time.
“I love you so much, Colin,” I tell him.
“I just love you,” he replies before kissing my hands again.
I know that things between as aren’t fixed. Not by a long shot. It’s going to take a lot of work to get back to how we were. If I’m being honest, I’m not even sure if it’s possible to get back to how we were before all of this stuff with his father and Madilyn transpired.
But, this conversation, this baring of souls, this was a step in the right direction.
This was a start.
Twenty Two.
It’s only been a couple days since our big talk, and even though things should have been resolved, they aren’t. I woke up the following morning to find him on the phone with Madilyn. I can barely get him to hold a conversation with me anymore. This morning, things were so strained between us that I had to leave the house and head to a small cafe outside of town so that I could spend time with Michie and figure out what I’m going to do about this.
Michele and I met here about an hour ago, and now I sit across from my best friend, twirling my spoon in my coffee cup. I can’t even look at her, to be honest, because she’s the only person in the world who can pinpoint what’s wrong with me just by the look in my eyes. She’s too perceptive for her—and my—own good. And the last thing any of us needs is Tiny Tot Taggaro bursting through my apartment and attacking Colin because I have a problem with how our relationship is going. Or worse…Michie showing up at Madilyn’s new apartment and beating her up because I know for a fact our problems didn’t start until she showed up.
It’s like ever since she left, there’s been this void within him, and no matter what I do, I can’t fill it. I can’t be everything to him, and I want to be. God, how I want to be.
I’m startled when Michie slams her hand on the table, causing my head to snap up as I look her in the eye. Her eyes narrow and she glares at me. Goddamn it. She knows.
Her expression softens, and she reaches for my coffee cup, taking it from me and holding it in front of her. “Nickayla, what’s going on?”
I shake my head. If I open my mouth right now, she’s going to know.
“I’ve been talking to you for the past fifteen minutes and you haven’t looked up from that coffee cup even ONCE. Nic…I hate to ask you this, but as your best friend, I think I have to. Are you still taking your meds?”
I nod. I’m trying my best to remain nonverbal. But sooner or later, I’m going to have to open my mouth, and I’m terrified with what’s going to come out of it when I do.
“Okay. Good. Nickayla, you’re really worrying me,” she says. “Is everything okay?”
I nod again.
“Nickayla. If I ask you a question, I expect you to actually answer me, not just nod yes or no. Is everything okay?”
I nod once more, and Mich looks like she’s about to punch me. “Yeah.” I pause. “Well…almost everything.”
She cocks her head to the side and her gaze turns sympathetic.
She leans across the table and reaches for my hand, holding it in hers and making me feel safe in a way I haven’t since Madilyn left. “Nic, talk to me. What’s going on?”
I shrug, then quickly swipe my hand beneath my eyes as a rogue tear escapes. “I don’t know. Everything should be fine. And it almost is. Colin loves me. He says it every day. We spend the day together at school. We come home together, we cook together, eat together, and at night, we fall asleep in each other’s arms. But every morning, I wake up to an empty bed. And whenever I go looking for him, he’s in the kitchen, on the phone with HER.” I can’t help it as more tears begin to fall. “It’s like there’s this wall up, and I’ve tried the hardest I can to penetrate it. But it’s like the only people allowed in are him and Madilyn. And I…I can’t live like that anymore.”
She stares at me for a long time, and then she squeezes my hand. The expression in her eyes is speaking volumes. I know that whatever she has to say to me is going to either make me or break me, because she doesn’t hold anything back.
“Nic, sweetie, I say this with the utmost of affection, but you need to grow some balls. What the fuck is your problem? You want him right?” she asks.
“Yes, but—” I attempt to reply, but she cuts me off.
“You love him, right?”
“Yes, but—”
“You want to be with him for a long time, right?”
“For the rest of our lives, yes, but—”
“And you’d do anything for him, right?”
“Yes, but—”
“Well—”
“For the love of God, Michele! Let me finish a fucking sentence!”
She sits back, then gives me a wide grin.
“That’s what I’m talking about! Cojones! Grow some and fight for him. If he’s worth it like you think he is, then fight for him with all you’ve got. And don’t you dare give up. But if he’s not worth it, give up. Because this is too much drama to deal with if you don’t think he’s worth the fight. But d’you wanna know what I think?”
I nod, because if I didn’t, I never would have asked her to meet me.
“I think he’s worth it. That boy loves you something fierce, Nickayla Quinn. He would go to the ends of the earth and back for you, and I know you’d do the same for him. That doesn’t excuse everything that’s happened. In fact, that doesn’t excuse anything that’s happened. Just because you love someone, that doesn’t mean they can do whatever they please and you should forgive them.”
I nod, because she’s right.
“I know he’s worth it, Mich. I know it. But I just…I can’t get past this shit with Madilyn.”
“Don’t get past it. Take a stand. Make his ass choose. After all he’s put you through because of her, you’ve earned that right. But listen, Nic. If you’re going to be my best friend, you can’t lay down and let some other bitch move in on your boy. He’s your boy. Not hers. He chose you. Not her. If you want this shit fixed, you have to stand up for yourself.”
I stare at her, pondering all that she’s said. I can’t expect someone else to fight for me. And I damn sure can’t expect Madilyn to back down, because she won’t. Not without a fight at least. If I want any of this to work out, I’m the one who has to take a stand. Madilyn won’t go anywhere unless I make her. And Colin won’t listen unless I make him listen. He won’t see what she’s like unless I make him see for himself what she’s like. Only I have control over this.
And it seems like I’m going to have to ta
ke it before this void swallows me whole.
…
I feel extremely relieved after my conversation with Michie. She’s put everything with Colin into perspective, and a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
Walking up the stairs to my apartment, I feel like a brand new girl. I have to keep telling myself, Madilyn’s still here, but she’s not a presence in our relationship. She’s his friend and he needs her, and I can be okay with that because it’s me that he loves. It’s me that he chose.
I unlock the door, and I can hear Colin yelling. I wonder what’s going on, and what’s got him so worked up. Closing my eyes, I brace myself, hoping that I can figure out a way to help him.
“This is so far from okay, Madilyn! What the fuck!” he shouts.
Madilyn laughs. “What’s the matter, Colin? Afraid of what your little girlfriend’s gonna do when she finds out that we kissed?”
My heart stops completely. I fight the urge to drop to my knees after what she’s just said, even though it feels like I’ve just been kicked in the stomach.
Stepping inside, I slam the door harder than I intend to, and I try to control my breathing. Colin’s head immediately snaps in my direction, and with one look at my face, pain completely takes over his. He’s walking toward me, but I put my hands up, backing away from him.
“You kissed her?” I ask.
I’m proud of myself, because my voice is firm, unwavering. Colin stops abruptly at the same time as Madilyn advances into the living room and places her hand on his shoulder.
“Yes. He did. And he enjoyed every second of it,” she sneers.
Colin shrugs her off, and he takes a step toward me at the same time that I take another step backward. “Nickayla, she kissed me. And the minute it happened, I pushed her away. You have to believe me.”
Fists clenched at my side, I take a deep breath.
“I don’t know what I believe right now,” I tell him. “You told me she was nobody. You told me that I had nothing to worry about. You lied to me. And you now expect me to believe that you didn’t kiss her?”
Almost Everything (Nickayla Quinn Trilogy Book 2) Page 19