Vanity Fair (Barnes & Noble Classics Series)

by William Makepeace Thackeray

  Dobbin, with a great deal of hesitation and stuttering, protested that he was not in the least hungry or thirsty; that he had no business to transact; that he only came to ask if Mr. Sedley was well, and to shake hands with an old friend; and, he added, with a desperate perversion of truth, ‘My mother is very well—that is, she‘s been very unwell, and is only waiting for the first fine day to go out and call upon Mrs. Sedley. How is Mrs. Sedley, sir? I hope she‘s quite well.‘ And here he paused, reflecting on his own consummate hypocrisy; for the day was as fine, and the sunshine as bright as it ever is in Coffin Court, where the ‘Tapioca‘ Coffee-house is situated: and Mr. Dobbin remembered that he had seen Mrs. Sedley himself only an hour before, having driven Osborne down to Fulham in his gig, and left him there tête-à-tête with Miss Amelia.

  ‘My wife will be very happy to see her ladyship,‘ Sedley replied, pulling out his papers. ‘I‘ve a very kind letter here from your father, sir, and beg my respectful compliments to him. Lady D. will find us in rather a smaller house than we were accustomed to receive our friends in; but it‘s snug, and the change of air does good to my daughter, who was suffering in town rather-you remember little Emmy, sir?—yes, suffering a good deal.‘ The old gentleman‘s eyes were wandering as he spoke, and he was thinking of something else, as he sat thrumming on his papers and fumbling at the worn red tape.

  ‘You‘re a military man,‘ he went on; ‘I ask you, Bill Dobbin, could any man ever have speculated upon the the return of that Corsican scoundrel from Elba? When the allied sovereigns were here last year, and we gave ‘em that dinner in the City, sir, and we saw the Temple of Concord, and the fireworks, and the Chinese bridge in St. James‘s Park, could any sensible man suppose that peace wasn‘t really concluded, after we‘d actually sung Te Deum for it, sir? I ask you, William, could I suppose that the Emperor of Austria was a damned traitor—a traitor, and nothing more? I don‘t mince words—a double-faced infernal traitor and schemer, who meant to have his son-in-law back all along. And I say that the escape of Boney from Elba was a damned imposition and plot, sir, in which half the powers of Europe were concerned, to bring the funds down, and to ruin this country. That‘s why I‘m here, William. That‘s why my name is in the Gazette. Why, sir?—because I trusted the Emperor of Russia and the Prince Regent. Look here. Look at my papers. Look what the funds were on the 1st of March—what the French fives were when I bought for the account. And what they‘re at now. There was collusion, sir, or that villain never would have escaped. Where was the English Commissioner who allowed him to get away? He ought to be shot, sir—brought to a court martial, and shot, by Jove.‘14

  ‘We‘re going to hunt Boney out, sir,‘ Dobbin said, rather alarmed at the fury of the old man, the veins of whose forehead began to swell, and who sat drumming his papers with his clenched fist. ‘We are going to hunt him out, sir—the Duke‘s in Belgium already, and we expect marching-orders every day.‘

  ‘Give him no quarter. Bring back the villain‘s head, sir. Shoot the coward down, sir,‘ Sedley roared. ‘I‘d enlist myself, by—; but I‘m a broken old man—ruined by that damned scoundrel—and by a parcel of swindling thieves in this country whom I made, sir, and who are rolling in their carriages now,‘ he added, with a break in his voice.

  Dobbin was not a little affected by the sight of this once kind old friend, crazed almost with misfortune and raving with senile anger. Pity the fallen gentleman: you to whom money and fair repute are the chiefest good; and so, surely, are they in Vanity Fair.

  ‘Yes,‘ he continued, ‘there are some vipers that you warm, and they sting you afterwards. There are some beggars that you put on horseback, and they‘re the first to ride you down. You know whom I mean, William Dobbin, my boy. I mean a purse-proud villain in Russell Square, whom I knew without a shilling, and whom I pray and hope to see a beggar as he was when I befriended him.‘

  ‘I have heard something of this, sir, from my friend, George,‘ Dobbin said, anxious to come to his point. ‘The quarrel between you and his father has cut him up a great deal, sir. Indeed, I‘m the bearer of a message from him.‘

  ‘Oh, that‘s your errand, is it?‘ cried the old man, jumping up. ‘What! perhaps he condoles with me, does he? Very kind of him, the stiff-backed prig, with his dandified airs and West End swagger. He‘s hankering about my house, is he still? If my son had the courage of a man, he‘d shoot him. He‘s as big a villain as his father. I won‘t have his name mentioned in my house. I curse the day that ever I let him into it; and I‘d rather see my daughter dead at my feet than married to him.‘

  ‘His father‘s harshness is not George‘s fault, sir. Your daughter‘s love for him is as much your doing as his. Who are you, that you are to play with two young people‘s affections and break their hearts at your will?‘

  ‘Recollect it‘s not his father that breaks the match off,‘ old Sedley cried out. ‘It‘s I that forbid it. That family and mine are separated for ever. I‘m fallen low, but not so low as that: no, no. And so you may tell the whole race—son, and father, and sisters, and all.‘

  ‘It‘s my belief, sir, that you have not the power or the right to separate those two,‘ Dobbin answered in a low voice; ‘and that if you don‘t give your daughter your consent, it will be her duty to marry without it. There‘s no reason she should die or live miserably because you are wrong-headed. To my thinking she‘s just as much married as if the banns had been read in all the churches in London. And what better answer can there be to Osborne‘s charges against you, as charges there are, than that his son claims to enter your family and marry your daughter?‘

  A light of something like satisfaction seemed to break over old Sedley as this point was put to him: but he still persisted that with his consent the marriage between Amelia and George should never take place.

  ‘We must do it without,‘ Dobbin said, smiling, and told Mr. Sedley, as he had told Mrs. Sedley in the day, before, the story of Rebecca‘s elopement with Captain Crawley. It evidently amused the old gentleman. ‘You‘re terrible fellows, you captains,‘ said he, tying up his papers; and his face wore something like a smile upon it, to the astonishment of the blear-eyed waiter who now entered, and had never seen such an expression upon Sedley‘s countenance since he had used the dismal coffee-house.

  The idea of hitting his enemy Osborne such a blow soothed, perhaps, the old gentleman: and, their colloquy presently ending, he and Dobbin parted pretty good friends.

  ‘My sisters say she has diamonds as big as pigeons‘ eggs,‘ George said, laughing. ‘How they must set off her complexion! A perfect illumination it must be when her jewels are on her neck. Her jet-black hair is as curly as Sambo‘s. I dare say she wore a nose-ring when she went to Court; and with a plume of feathers in her top-knot she would look a perfect Belle Sauvage.‘

  George, in conversation with Amelia, was rallying the appearance of a young lady of whom his father and sisters had lately made the acquaintance, and who was an object of vast respect to the Russell Square family. She was reported to have I don‘t know how many plantations in the West Indies; a deal of money in the funds; and three stars to her name in the East India stockholders‘ list.gk She had a mansion in Surrey, and a house in Portland Place. The name of the rich West India heiress had been mentioned with applause in the Morning Post.15 Mrs. Haggistoun, Colonel Haggistoun‘s widow, her relative, ‘chaperoned‘ her, and kept her house. She was just from school, where she had completed her education, and George and his sisters had met her at an evening party at old Hulker‘s house, Devonshire Place (Hulker, Bullock, & Co. were long the correspondents of her house in the West Indies), and the girls had made the most cordial advances to her, which the heiress had received with great good humour. An orphan in her position—with her money—so interesting! the Misses Osborne said. They were full of their new friend when they returned from the Hulker ball to Miss Wirt, their companion: they had made arrangements for continually meeting, and had the carriage and drove to see her the very next day. M
rs. Haggistoun, Colonel Haggistoun‘s widow, a relation of Lord Binkie, and always talking of him, struck the dear unsophisticated girls as rather haughty, and too much inclined to talk about her great relations: but Rhoda was everything they could wish—the frankest, kindest, most agreeable creature—wanting a little polish, but so good-natured. The girls Christian-named each other at once.

  ‘You should have seen her dress for court, Emmy,‘ Osborne cried, laughing. ‘She came to my sisters to show it off, before she was presented in state by my Lady Binkie, the Haggistoun‘s kinswoman. She‘s related to every one, that Haggistoun. Her diamonds blazed out like Vauxhall on the night we were there. (Do you remember Vauxhall, Emmy, and Jos singing to his dearest diddle-iddle-darling?) Diamonds and mahogany, my dear! think what an advantageous contrast—and the white feathers in her hair—I mean in her wool. She had ear-rings like chandeliers; you might have lighted ‘em up, by Jove—and a yellow satin train that streeled after her like the tail of a comet.‘

  ‘How old is she?‘ asked Emmy, to whom George was rattling away regarding this dark paragon, on the morning of their re-union—rattling away as no other man in the world surely could.

  ‘Why, the Black Princess, though she has only just left school, must be two- or three-and-twenty. And you should see the hand she writes! Mrs. Colonel Haggistoun usually writes her letters, but in a moment of confidence, she put pen to paper for my sisters; she spelt satin satting, and Saint James‘s, Saint Jams.‘

  ‘Why, surely it must be Miss Swartz, the parlour boarder,‘ Emmy said, remembering that good-natured young mulatto girl, who had been so hysterically affected when Amelia left Miss Pinkerton‘s academy.

  ‘The very name,‘ George said. ‘Her father was a German Jew—a slave-owner they say—connected with the for Cannibal Islands in some way or other. He died last year, and Miss Pinkerton has finished her education. She can play two pieces on the piano; she knows three songs; she can write when Mrs. Haggistoun is by to spell for her; and Jane and Maria already have got to love her as a sister.‘

  ‘I wish they would have loved me,‘ said Emmy, wistfully ‘They were always very cold to me.‘

  ‘My dear child, they would have loved you if you had had two hundred thousand pounds,‘ George replied. ‘That is the way in which they have been brought up. Ours is a ready-money society. We live among bankers and city big-wigs, and be hanged to them, and every man, as he talks to you, is jingling his guineas in his pocket. There is that jackass Fred Bullock, is going to marry Maria—there‘s Goldmore, the East India Director, there‘s Dipley, in the tallow trade—our trade,‘ George said, with an uneasy laugh and a blush. ‘Curse the whole pack of money-grubbing vulgarians! I fall asleep at their great heavy dinners. I feel ashamed in my father‘s great stupid parties. I‘ve been accustomed to live with gentlemen, and men of the world and fashion, Emmy, not with a parcel of turtle-fed tradesmen. Dear little woman, you are the only person of our set who ever looked, or thought, or spoke like a lady: and you do it because you‘re an angel and can‘t help it. Don‘t remonstrate. You are the only lady. Didn‘t Miss Crawley remark it, who has lived in the best company in Europe? And as for Crawley, of the Life Guards, hang it, he‘s a fine fellow: and I like him for marrying the girl he had chosen.‘

  Amelia admired Mr. Crawley very much, too, for this; and trusted Rebecca would be happy with him, and hoped (with a laugh) Jos would be consoled. And so the pair went on prattling, as in quite early days. Amelia‘s confidence being perfectly restored to her, though she expressed a great deal of pretty jealousy about Miss Swartz, and professed to be dreadfully frightened—like a hypocrite as she was—lest George should forget her for the heiress and her money and her estates in St. Kitts. But the fact is, she was a great deal too happy to have fears or doubts or misgivings of any sort: and having George at her side again, was not afraid of any heiress or beauty, or indeed of any sort of danger.

  When Captain Dobbin came back in the afternoon to these people—which he did with a great deal of sympathy for them—it did his heart good to see how Amelia had grown young again—how she laughed, and chirped, and sang familiar old songs at the piano, which were only interrupted by the bell from without proclaiming Mr. Sedley‘s return from the City, before whom George received a signal to retreat.

  Beyond the first smile of recognition—and even that was an hypocrisy, for she thought his arrival rather provoking—Miss Sedley did not once notice Dobbin during his visit. But he was content, so that he saw her happy; and thankful to have been the means of making her so.

  CHAPTER XXI

  A Quarrel About an Heiress

  L ove may be felt for any young lady endowed with such qualities as Miss Swartz possessed; and a great dream of ambition entered into old Mr. Osborne‘s soul, which she was to realize. He encouraged, with the utmost enthusiasm and friendliness, his daughters‘ amiable attachment to the young heiress, and protested that it gave him the sincerest pleasure as a father to see the love of his girls so well disposed.

  ‘You won‘t find,‘ he would say to Miss Rhoda, ‘that splendour and rank to which you are accustomed at the West End, my dear miss, at our humble mansion in Russell Square. My daughters are plain, disinterested girls, but their hearts are in the right place, and they‘ve conceived an attachment for you which does them honour—1 say, which does them honour. I‘m a plain, simple, humble British merchant—an honest one, as my respected friends Hulker & Bullock will vouch, who were the correspondents of your late lamented father. You‘ll find us a united, simple, happy, and I think I may say respected, family—a plain table, a plain people, but a warm welcome, my dear Miss Rhoda—Rhoda, let me say, for my heart warms to you, it does really. I‘m a frank man, and I like you. A glass of champagne! Hicks, champagne to Miss Swartz.‘

  There is little doubt that old Osborne believed all he said, and that the girls were quite earnest in their protestations of affection for Miss Swartz. People in Vanity Fair fasten on to rich folks quite naturally. If the simplest people are disposed to look not a little kindly on great Prosperity (for I defy any member of the British public to say that the notion of Wealth has not something awful and pleasing to him; and you, if you are told that the man next you at dinner has got half a million, not to look at him with a certain interest)—if the simple look benevolently on money, how much more do your old worldlings regard it! Their affections rush out to meet and welcome money. Their kind sentiments awaken spontaneously towards the interesting possessors of it. I know some respectable people who don‘t consider themselves at liberty to indulge friendship for any individual who has not a certain competency, or place in society. They give a loose to their feelings on proper occasions. And the proof is, that the major part of the Osborne family, who had not, in fifteen years, been able to get up a hearty regard for Amelia Sedley, became as fond of Miss Swartz in the course of a single evening as the most romantic advocate of friendship at first sight could desire.

  What a match for George she‘d be (the sister and Miss Wirt agreed), and how much better than that insignificant little Amelia! Such a dashing young fellow as he is, with his good looks, rank, and accomplishments, would be the very husband for her. Visions of balls in Portland Place, presentations at Court, and introductions to half the peerage, filled the minds of the young ladies; who talked of nothing but George and his grand acquaintances to their beloved new friend.

  Old Osborne thought she would be a great match, too, for his son. He should leave the army; he should go into Parliament; he should cut a figure in the fashion and in the state. His blood boiled with honest British exultation, as he saw the name of Osborne ennobled in the person of his son, and thought that he might be the progenitor of a glorious line of baronets. He worked in the City and on ‘Change, until he knew everything relating to the fortune of the heiress, how her money was placed, and where her estates lay. Young Fred Bullock, one of his chief informants, would have liked to make a bid for her himself (it was so the young banker expressed it), only he w
as booked to Maria Osborne. But not being able to secure her as a wife, the disinterested Fred quite approved of her as a sister-in-law. ‘Let George cut in directly and win her,‘ was his advice. ‘Strike while the iron‘s hot, you know—while she‘s fresh to the town: in a few weeks some d—fellow from the West End will come in with a title and a rotten rent-roll gl and cut all us City men out, as Lord Fitzrufus did last year with Miss Grogram, who was actually engaged to Podder, of Podder & Brown‘s. The sooner it is done the better, Mr. Osborne; them‘s my sentiments,‘ the wag said; though, when Osborne had left the bank parlour, Mr. Bullock remembered Amelia, and what a pretty girl she was, and how attached to George Osborne; and he gave up at least ten seconds of his valuable time to regretting the misfortune which had befallen that unlucky young woman.

  While thus George Osborne‘s good feelings, and his good friend and genius, Dobbin, were carrying back the truant to Amelia‘s feet, George‘s parent and sisters were arranging this splendid match for him, which they never dreamed he would resist.

  When the elder Osborne gave what he called ‘a hint‘, there was no possibility for the most obtuse to mistake his meaning. He called kicking a footman downstairs, a hint to the latter to leave his service. With his usual frankness and delicacy he told Mrs. Haggistoun that he would give her a cheque for five thousand pounds on the day his son was married to her ward; and called that proposal a hint, and considered it a very dexterous piece of diplomacy. He gave George finally such another hint regarding the heiress; and ordered him to marry her out of hand, as he would have ordered his butler to draw a cork, or his clerk to write a letter.