by Lily Kay
“How long have you been standing there?”
“Not long.”
“I know, you don’t have to say it, I should send a demo in tomorrow, start my career as a pop star.” I flared my nostrils at him.
“It’s a good tune,” I defended. I was a tad embarrassed by the fact he caught me rocking out when my musical prowess undoubtedly flowed the opposite of the vocal variety.
“You’re adorable, and it is an awesome tune.” Gavin sauntered into my room and shut the door. Books and sheet music surrounded me as Bob Dylan now filled the air from my very random running mix of boy bands, rock, and classical music.
“Another gifted writer.” Gavin joined me on the comforter, pushing all my homework into a pile on the floor.
“Yes, he is.” I leaned forward to receive Gavin’s lips. They were soft and tentative, asking for permission.
He supported all my weight as we shifted to a horizontal position.
Playing with the silky loose locks at the nape of his neck, I relished the hint of peppermint lingering on his breath.
“Does kissing ever get old?” I murmured before exerting more pressure to his lips, letting my tongue explore with his. Kissing Gavin pulsed desire through my entire body. Shivers climbed up my spine, to the base of my throat.
“Not with you.” He gently exhaled, finding the sensitive spot where my ear joined my neck. He licked around my lobe and traveled to the edge of my mouth. He encased me in his arms, resting his lips on my forehead. “Before we do anything else, we have to talk.”
But I didn’t want to talk. I wanted to keep kissing him, drown in his touch. Because when we kissed, all my anxiety about school, my body, my identity, melted away into a warm encompassing bliss.
“Hey,” he said.
Even through my whimpers, he didn’t back down, and my long-neglected libido would have to wait a little longer. When he sat up and faced me on the bed, I knew our make-out fest abruptly ended.
“Can’t it wait until tomorrow?” I tried one last time.
“I need to know how bad the bullying was, and I need to know how you really feel about us.” Yep, this conversation wouldn’t wait. I sat up and faced him.
“If I tell you about the bullying, you have to promise not to pity me or turn me into your project. You don’t have to save me, and I’m not your sister, Gavin. I’m strong enough to face this and I don’t want you feeling pity for me all the time. I want you to see me now, not in the past. And I’m moving on. Scout’s honor.”
I evaded his other request. I hoped he’d forget about it and let us continue status quo. Knowing Gavin, he’d still bring it up later.
“Babe, you don’t have to prove your strength to me. I already see it. I want you to be able to move past this, too. But if you keep having a flashback or an anxiety attack every time we’re together based on something I’ve unknowingly done, we’re not going to be able to move forward.”
“I know.” The hem from my floor-length oatmeal linen skirt unraveled the more I played with it. “And I’m working with my therapist.”
“Tell me how I can help you.”
“I don’t know. I think we take it slow. You should keep talking to me, making sure I’m in the moment with you. If I end up freaking out again, help me come back. Talk to me. But it will muck things up even more if I see you’re upset.”
Gavin nodded. “I can do that.” His chin tucked down toward his chest. “The talking at least. Not sure how well I’ll be able to hide my anger toward that fucker. Do you feel comfortable sharing what he did to you? The last thing I want is to accidentally trigger anything.”
“He never did anything sexually to me. Pushed me around, chased me or threatened to, and occasionally he would tackle me. Sometimes I wish I’d get over myself and be healthy.”
“This isn’t a race you have to finish.”
“I know.” My eyes closed, and I felt a finger brush along the side of my face. I dissolved into his touch, trusting he would support me.
I held my breath, bracing myself for the impact of sharing this with him. I had to tell him in order to continue healing. Not to mention, sharing might help with my ability to be close to someone.
Yet, I hated talking about it. I hated how much power it had over me, how it stabbed the knife of abandonment even further into my gut. In my mind, retelling the story gave my bully power again.
Dr. Liz’s voice lingered over my shoulder, reminding me Martin and the other bullies didn’t control my reactions anymore.
I did.
I controlled my healing, and I could write my own story however the hell I wanted. I could continue down a path of self-destruction or I could take the path I always dreamed about, the one lined with sunflowers and strawberry patches and shit.
I smiled because I wanted him to know he made everything brighter, sunnier. I took his hand and entwined my fingers with his.
“There was this one guy in particular? Martin?” Gavin gently prodded.
“Yeah. Martin. Like I said before, he wouldn’t stop bothering me, kept egging me on over the years. At first, he flung only words and empty threats, calling me a throw-away. As he got older, he’d pretend to chase me and stop, or constantly call me ugly, and make racial slurs like chinks were only good for prostituting or mail order brides.
“I’d ignore him or run away if he chased me. Normally he’d always stopped before he reached me, but it always left me petrified. Because what if next time I couldn’t get away?
“This one time during my junior year, I don’t know. Maybe because Jamie had graduated and couldn’t protect me―I think Martin snapped. He kept chasing me until he tackled me and slammed me into the ground.
“I got the wind knocked out of me and banged the back of my head. His whole body pinned me down, his hand smothered my face, while he kept repeating in this low controlled voice, how no one would ever want to fuck me.
“To Martin, ‘I was an ugly fucking mongrel and a waste of human space.’ I swear his eyes bugged out and all the veins in his neck were pulsing. And then he left.”
I didn’t dare look at Gavin yet, not when I still had the courage to finish my story. My hands fidgeted with the hem of my shirt again.
“I made sure I never walked by myself. But it scared the shit out of me. He never physically attacked me again, but he tracked my every move. After the attack, any time I thought about being with anyone, a gnawing in my stomach took over.
“Dr. Liz said it has to do with my initial abandonment, how I internalized shame of not being good enough for my birth family, and the kids bullying reinforced my shame as I got older.
“I’m frustrated my body shut down with you because it felt good, what you were doing the other night. But the memories of his ugly words hit me, and I clammed up. I believed Martin. And how would a guy like you want to be with me when no one else did?”
I finally glanced at him. Talking about what happened with Martin appeared like a bad dream. Surreal.
Gavin turned his head, gazing at the corner of my ceiling.
“Gavin?” I asked, my voice not quite a whisper.
He turned to face me and gathered me in his arms. “Babe.” He stroked the back of my hair, and I mimicked a child curled up in his embrace as he seemed to sway side to side. “I wish that never happened. But thank you for telling me.” He moved to cup my face, outlining my profile.
“Did this totally kill your sex drive?” I asked.
“Well, I’m not exactly aroused.”
“’Fraid of that.” I slouched, not hiding my disappointment.
“And Lou? We gotta talk about us soon. You have to trust I’m not going to consciously hurt you.”
I nodded. But I also feared he had the capacity to expose me to a reservoir of anguish. I doubted my heart had the power to
survive.
Tonight wasn’t supposed to be about my sad childhood, and how the bullying cemented my insecurities about being abandoned, but about us discovering one another. Maybe I should step away from the ledge. Move on. How the past polluted my life left me emotionally and physically drained.
Chapter 19
After the big confession, my body collapsed into deep sleep. When I awoke, Gavin embraced me like a cocoon. Good thing for air conditioning because otherwise I would’ve been a sweaty mess with his body radiating heat like an incinerator.
“Good morning, sunshine.” He kissed the back of my neck, before finding my lips.
“Um, morning breath.” I pointed at my very closed mouth.
“We both have morning breath. It’ll be fine.”
“But what about all the bacteria building overnight? I think we should go mouthwash, come back to bed, and then do our morning kiss. Whaddya think?” I covered his mouth with my hand and sat up.
A very loud groan emerged from Gavin as he pushed down the sheet and sat on the side of the bed.
“Or we can both get ready for class, and before we leave the room, we’ll have a proper good morning kiss,” I offered.
“Okay, fine.” He started to stand up, before he turned back toward me, rolled me onto my back and stole a kiss. “Good morning, Lou, and all of your little bacteria friends.” He eased off the mattress and ran toward the door.
“You, sir, are a dirty rat.”
“Yes, but a dirty rat who still got a good morning kiss.” He promptly disappeared out of my bedroom.
Either he was lightning fast in the shower, or I took longer than I thought getting out of bed and selecting my clothes for the day, which consisted of a black long sleeve V-neck cotton dress and jeans. Fall officially staked its claim, and the temperature cooled.
When he entered my room in his towel, my eyes were treated to an ocular feast of pectoral perfection. He folded me into his arms, and I breathed deep, unable to get enough of his scent. His natural body aroma combined with soap duplicated a magnetic concoction drawing me closer, enticing me to consume more of him.
I still had to get ready for the day. The longer I stood hugging him without utilizing my toothbrush, the more self-conscious I became. Of course, his breath was minty fresh.
“Um, Gavin?” I tilted my head down, hoping my breath wouldn’t singe any of his nose hairs.
“Yep?”
“I need to shower.”
“Sure. Don’t mind me.” His arms remained enclosed around me, giving me an extra squeeze.
“It’s hard not to when you’re in a towel,” I said into his chest.
“I can remove it, if you’d like.”
I dug my toes into the carpet and winced.
“What?” He followed my eyes as I spied the tent forming under his towel.
I pointed at his groin. “I’ve never seen, um, yeah, and it’s kinda funny.” See? This illustrated why I wished I had more experience like most other twenty-year-old’s. I wouldn’t be constantly embarrassing myself by blurting stupid shit.
“Words to wilt a man’s ego. Never laugh at a man’s penis.” He stepped away from me to put his underwear on, and I couldn’t help but ogle the contours of his muscles and tanned skin.
“Well, it’s, never mind. I’m going to shower now.” I opened the door and exited before I made an even bigger fool of myself.
The shower relaxed my muscles, the smell of floral and pomegranate steaming the bathroom. After I toweled down, I noticed my clothes weren’t in the bathroom.
Crap.
In my haste to remove myself from Gavin and his, erm, towel, I forgot to grab my dress and jeans. Changing in front of Gavin just became inevitable. Double crap.
I toweled off my hair and wrapped the towel around my body, brushed my teeth, and tip-toed back toward my room. I don’t know why I tip-toed. Maybe it had something to do with my inability to figure out how I’d dress with him still in there. Maybe in the closet? Or if I attempted super stealth mode, I could run in and out without him noticing.
Instead of stealth, I knocked on the door. Even though it was my room, I dared not barge in on him if he were still changing.
“It’s your room.” His voice resonated from the other side of the door, apparently reading my mind. “You can come in anytime, you know.”
I opened it a crack and peeked inside. Gavin already dressed, black denim jeans and his navy top graced his body like a model. I opened the door all the way and strutted inside. “Oh, hey. Making sure you were decent.”
“Aren’t I always?” He sprawled on my bed.
“Are you always this cocky?” I rolled my eyes at him.
Gavin peered to his left and scratched his chin for a moment. “Actually, yeah. I have been. Is it a turn-off?”
I smiled. “Nah. It’s cute. Because I think you’re usually half teasing, right?”
“Perhaps.” He stood and approached me, his eyes somewhat glazed, looking at me like I was dessert. Instinctively, I shuffled backward, clutching the top of my towel, making sure it stayed snug to my body.
“I have to say, I like the look.”
Gulp. “You do?”
“I do, it’s real nice.” Gavin swept a clump of wet hair from the front of my chest to behind my shoulder.
“Oh.” I breathed. “Thanks?”
“Please don’t tell me you’re still nervous around me.”
“Maybe?”
He inched me back to the closed door and grasped my shoulders, tilting his head down toward mine. My breath stilted, my body yearned for his next touch, but apprehension flooded my mind.
“Tell me what to do so you won’t be nervous.” The breathy whispers in my ear sent a shiver coursing through my body.
“I don’t know, I’m new to all of this. I’m not nervous about being around you anymore, but maybe you seeing me completely naked, is all,” I mumbled.
Despite being nervous about him seeing me without any clothes in broad daylight, his touch and kisses hypnotized. I craved more.
Fear of freaking out held me back. But Dr. Liz said I’d never know unless I tried. I wanted to keep experimenting, because my body never felt as good as it did when he entangled his limbs around me, sending me into sensation overload.
“Does this feel good?” He nibbled my jaw, inching toward my lips.
“Mmm-hmm.” Holy fuck, did it feel good. I contemplated skipping my classes to kiss Gavin all day.
“Is it okay if I touch you?” he asked. I couldn’t want anything more.
“Yes, please.” I guided his mouth back toward mine. He possessed my mouth, grabbing my tongue and sucking with his lips.
He gently rubbed up my thigh, and my breath hitched. The tickling sensation evoked an ache for something more, and I pushed myself against him, surprised by my boldness.
He pulled his mouth away, his fingers entangled in my wet hair. “Fuck, I can’t get enough of you. You taste amazing. Please tell me you’re mine. I have to hear it from you, babe.”
Gavin deserved an answer. He knew more about me than most people, and he remained with me. Which was something, right?
I nodded my head, knowing I relinquished a piece of my soul to him. “Okay, Gavin,” I capitulated, “I’m yours.”
Fighting the relationship between us grew futile. I had to have faith he would take care of me, and not intentionally destroy the fragile trust we built. Because right now, it felt like our foundation composed of sand, where a single wave had the ability to wash everything away.
“Thank the fuck.” He reached below my knees to lift me up and carry me back to the bed. Laying me down as my hair drenched the pillow underneath, he stroked my cheek and placed a chaste kiss on my lips.
He burrowed his
hand under the towel and caressed the inside of my inner thighs with the tips of his fingers, near my mound. The teasing sent shudders like lightning down my chest through my stomach down to my toes.
“Please.” My body instinctively craved his touch.
“Anything for you, babe.” He planted another kiss on my lips, our tongues entwining as he fingered my entrance. And instead of losing it, I experienced amazement because we were both present, in the moment, wanting more.
“Damn, you’re wet. It’s fucking hot as hell.” He added another finger as I cried out.
“Are you still with me?” His fingers paralyzed waiting for my response.
“Don’t stop, you’re killing me.” My hips bucked up toward him. He took this as his cue, and his fingers stroked me on the inside, settling in on a spot where my moans increased with his speed and intensity.
I sensed pressure building inside me, and I wanted more. Masturbation had nothing on his talented fingers and lips, and I heard myself getting louder and louder.
“Come for me.” He coaxed me with one last flicker, and I flew over the edge, crying out, as my body erupted, convulsing under his touch. “You’re beautiful.” He brushed his lips against my ear, while my body elevated. He held me as I came, slowly massaging the last of my release.
“Well?” A half smile beamed down at me.
I bit my lip. How to tell him it was the best orgasm I’ve ever had? Obviously, the first non-self-administered one I ever had. Now, I understood what everyone talked about. If intercourse even bordered on the level of intensity of fingering, I was going to turn into rubber.
“Good?”
“Wow. Yeah, wow. How did you know to touch me there?”
He lifted one eyebrow and placed another kiss on my lips. “You have to ask?”
“Oh, right. Never mind. Well, yay for practice.”
Gavin kissed my forehead. “A man can tell a lot from a woman’s reactions, you know.”
“Well, you get an A-plus.” I closed my lids while my body hummed.