by Lily Kay
My lids still heavy, I sensed his fingers lightly dancing up and down my thigh. I realized too late my towel unwrapped and exposed my stomach. I abruptly pulled both edges of the towel over one another, covering myself up again.
Not even close to smooth.
“You don’t have to hide. Your body is beautiful.”
“Modest?” I squeaked.
“Babe, I finger fucked you. Are you telling me you’re more comfortable showing me your pussy than your stomach?”
Eyes probed mine until I turned away. Yet another thing I didn’t want to talk about and I hoped feigning ignorance would make it disappear. But he wasn’t having any of it, and to be fair, if we were going to be more intimate, he would eventually see a lot more of me.
Time to say goodbye to the Louie of my past. Even if my scars were permanent reminders of how I had hurt me.
Gavin inched the towel toward my belly button. I averted my gaze toward the wall, anticipating an onslaught of questions. Instead, he traced the silver raised lines smattered across my stomach. His fingertips felt like whispers across my skin.
“I’ll say it again. You’re fucking beautiful. All of you. If you think these scars are going to scare me, you’re wrong.”
I turned toward him, releasing the air I held, while he navigated the violence of my youth. “I wasn’t very nice to me. Back then.”
“No, you weren’t.” He traced the maps of my emotional agony.
“It’s an ugly reminder of what I did, what happened.” My head turned away from him again, staring at the lamp on my night stand.
“You drowned out the pain. It makes sense.” He stroked my cheek down to my chin, coaxing my face toward his.
“You don’t think I’m crazy?”
“No. I’d be concerned if you were still doing it now. But I can tell, these are old.” He traced them, easing my body back into the mattress, my muscles releasing their tight grip on my anxieties.
“Middle school and high school.” I twisted my face, embarrassed with the actions of my former self. “I had always worried a guy would see my scars and flee. And they aren’t very pretty. I tend to wear one-piece swimsuits.”
“These scars should be a reminder of your strength. Because you had the courage to survive.” He paused for a moment and probed. “Do you mind me asking why you cut your stomach, and not your thighs or arms?”
Focus shifted from my stomach back to his eyes. “The pain’s always been in my stomach. Even before kids started making fun of me, pain surfaced in my stomach. I tried to punch the shame and guilt away, and when hitting didn’t work, the razor did.”
I attempted to smile, letting him know it happened in the past, but faltered. “I don’t know. I guess the pain from cutting was easier to deal with.”
His lip trembled, and I wondered if he remembered his sister. How his sister must have felt defeated, positive she didn’t have another ounce of strength. How she decided to end her life. No possibility of refuge.
Whereas I didn’t have the balls to end mine. Knowing I had the strength to continue? I silently celebrated. Because otherwise I would never have met Gavin.
I turned toward him, resting my body halfway on his chest. This time I succeeded with my smile. “Thank you, Gavin.” Cradling his cheeks, I drew his face toward mine for another kiss.
“For what?”
“For listening.” I snuck in one more kiss because I’m greedy.
“I gotta get dressed. Can’t miss Haven’s class, she already gives me a heart attack.” I found my dress and underwear and changed in front of him, well, my back toward him.
Baby steps.
For the first time in a very long time, I didn’t feel self-conscious about my scars or my naked body. Because Gavin understood. He didn’t see a fucked-up girl, but a young woman moving past the scars and anxiety.
I admit it, I fell hard for him, leaving me scared shitless.
Chapter 20
Class officially blurred. Gavin consumed every thought. How he attuned to my every response, and how my skin reacted to his touch. Thinking about it made my body convulse, craving him constantly.
He said it helped when I could tell him what felt good and what didn’t. Not surprising, I flirted with the idea of losing my virginity. Especially how I wanted Gavin to hurry up and do it, yesterday.
However, the minor concern I’d freak out again governed our pace. While he may have a history of elite man-whoring, he displayed nothing but respect when it came to our relationship.
“Louie.” Emmy hissed, interrupting my daydream about how our first time might play out.
“Hm?”
“Haven’s calling on you.”
“Oh shit.” Fairly certain Haven heard me, loud and clear.
“I’m sorry, Dr. Haven. Can you repeat the question?”
“Louise. I expect when you are present in my class, you are present. Next time, pay attention or don’t bother coming, because it wastes all of our time.”
“Yes, Dr. Haven. I apologize.”
Haven frowned, and then leaned against the side of the piano before pointing to a four-measure passage displayed on the whiteboard from her computer. “Please sing this line in solfege, tap out this rhythm, and conduct this line at the same time.”
I did, though it wasn’t pretty. Not many people can do it seamlessly the first time through. Maybe Dave Spence could, or Gavin. But come on, why can’t we sing the actual notes? No, we have to get all Sound of Music and make up even more random sounds to confuse me even more.
And how the hell did they even come up with these sounds? Do, Re, Mi? And let’s not stop there, folks. Nope. Let’s crush my confidence by highlighting my awful coordination. By tapping another rhythm, while making me conduct something in an entirely different time signature that’s supposed to coincide with what I was supposed to be singing.
I hated it, ecstatic my last semester of these classes finished at the end of the calendar year.
Emmy waited for me as sight-singing class ended. “What’s gotten into you, Lou? It’s like you’ve drifted away to another solar system. Or you got laid. Holy shit, that’s it. You got laid last night. Yay, I’m beyond happy for you. Does Sierra know yet? Wait, of course she does, she lives with you.” Emmy bopped up and down clapping, her curls flying out like a parachute above her head every time she jumped.
“Emmy.” I grabbed the side of her backpack and pulled her out of the door. “No, I didn’t get laid. Geez. Now everyone’s going to think I have when I clearly haven’t.”
“And what’s wrong with that?” she asked. The glasses framing her caramel eyes made her appear deceptively innocent.
“Nothing. I guess I don’t want people spreading rumors about me and Gavin.”
“Girlfriend. Listen. Who gives a crap if people spread rumors you’re getting your groove on with Gavin. It’s a good thing, because trust me, practically everyone in the music department, faculty included, are wishing they had the privilege.”
I felt a sense of, I don’t know, pride? Because Gavin chose me? Or better yet, I finally decided to choose him? Luck and nerves devoured me at the same time. Because if he ever got bored of me, a long and distinguished line of folks waited in the wings.
I relinquished. “I suppose I can chill out a little.”
“I say, own it. You like each other, and you’re both adults. Naturally there’s going to be some horizontal dancing going on, when you’re ready, of course.” Emmy snickered.
“Not exactly dancing when I’m still learning the steps.” My inexperience embarrassed me.
“Well, at least you’re practicing. More than what I’m doing since I ended it with Larry.” Emmy narrowed her eyes. “For real, don’t turn around fast, but there’s the mystery chick I saw the other day.” I
scratched the side of my head and snuck a peek. A light blondish-brown colored pony-tail strode away from me.
“Pony-tail girl?”
“Yeah. She match the chick from Greens?” Emmy asked.
“Hard to tell, since I didn’t get a good look.” I shrugged. “Maybe she’s a transfer student or something?”
“Maybe. I don’t know, but my sixth-sense is getting prickly.”
We stopped at Emmy’s locker again, when Dave Spence graced our presence. “Louie, darling. Rumor has it you and Gavin are practicing baby-making techniques during your tutoring sessions.”
“Please tell me these rumors aren’t going around.”
Dave flashed me a grin. “Absolutely.” His voice faded as he quickly lost interest in me and turned his attentions on Emmy.
“I know you’re Emmy, and you visit Groove with the gang. What I don’t know is why we haven’t spent more time together?” He took Emmy’s hand and kissed above her knuckles.
I shook my head vigorously, while I gave him my best, do not make her another one of your conquests, glare. Determination to protect Emmy outweighed my friendship with Dave. No way would she become another notch on his bedpost. Especially if she wanted something on a deeper level. Dave might conveniently leave out his enthusiasm for free love.
Dave widened his eyes at me, and tilted his head toward Emmy, like I stabbed his pet bunny by not encouraging the two, followed by pressing his hands together as he prayed to the Louie dating service altar. I angled my face to the ceiling and audibly sighed after Dave gave two fist pumps in the air. All in front of Emmy, as she watched our mimed conversation with confused delight.
“Emmy, you remember Dave, right? He’s in my piano studio and plays at Groove sometimes.”
“For sure. Your gig is funny. And you’re an awesome player.”
Emmy turned to me. “Why is it we don’t hang out more with him?”
“I don’t know. Timing I guess.” Total cop out response. But hey, I’d shield, or at least try to protect my friend, any day of the week.
She confessed her fancy for kink and everything. But she was vulnerable too and wanted commitment. Dave not so much.
“Well, maybe we should start hanging out,” Dave said.
Emmy’s look transformed to pure glee, and I failed in preventing their hookup. Good luck keeping them apart.
“Okay, fine.” I pointed at Emmy. “All I’m going to say is, don’t say I didn’t warn you it’s quite possible he has gonorrhea. I wouldn’t go near him with a ten-foot pole, dating wise.”
Dave straightened and gasped. “How can you diss me to the lovely Emmy?”
“Are you high?”
“What?” Dave winked at me before facing her. “Listen, Emmy. Louise has inferred I’m some loose, disease-infested man-whore and I’ll have you know I have no diseases because I always use protection and get tested on a regular basis.”
Emmy giggled. “Well, it’s nice to know you value cleanliness.”
“Always.”
And chapter closed. I’d have to warn her again, later, when Dave wasn’t making sex-eyes at her, though I doubt it would deter her. I stepped back, resting my hands on my hips, watching as the two failed to recall my presence.
I had to admit, they were kinda cute. Dave stood five-foot eight and towered over her. She wore her funky tortoise shell glasses that matched her wild curly hair, and he rocked a sexy emo look.
Their hook-up would only end in heartache. Dave reveled in the chase and tired quickly once he conquered. But she giggled, and he smothered on the charm.
Deep down, he truly was a good egg. I wasn’t sure if he finished sowing his oats and didn’t want Emmy to get hurt in the crossfire. But she had her big girl panties on and could take care of herself.
I waved goodbye to them, though doubted they even realized I said goodbye.
Gavin waited for me in a practice room, plunking a few chord progressions on the keys.
“Hey, babe. How was sight-singing?” He played a couple scales on the piano.
“It sucked. Haven caught me daydreaming.”
“I didn’t realize I had this kind of power over you.”
A comment I chose to ignore. Because I didn’t have any witty retort. He did have a lot of power over me. I wasn’t about to admit anything out loud either.
After our quick rendezvous in the practice room, we arranged to save Friday night for dinner at his place.
November seemed to be the month for concerts, and both his and mine were fast approaching, leaving little time to see each other.
Matty loved reminding me I stayed in the major. While school kept him busy, music majors scoffed at the amount of work other majors experienced. Especially the last six weeks of the semester. We upper-classmen and grad students typically played in multiple ensembles requiring a butt-load of practices and multiple performances, in addition to our classes.
On top of that, we had our juries for our main instrument, resulting in more time practicing all the required pieces I’d have to perform for the entire piano faculty if I wanted to pass my major each semester.
We would both have to wait until the weekend to get some quality time together.
On a positive note, I did manage to answer a quick phone call from Jamie.
“Sis, you actually picked up.” He had excellent timing today.
“I have a few minutes, walking home for the day. What’s up?”
“How’s it going with what’s his face you’re seeing? And how come I haven’t met him yet, or at least talked to him on the phone?” Images of Jamie and Gavin meeting ranged from total inquisition to them becoming best buds, and completely ignoring me.
“He’s good. And busy. But you’re more than welcome to call him. Not sure he’ll answer but I can give you his number.” Jamie wouldn’t call him unless some major shit went down.
“Nah, I suppose I can wait to meet him when you bring him home to meet Jim and Carol.”
“Negatron, dude. Not happening for a long time. But what about you? Silvia and you engaged? Or have you even told her how you feel, yet?”
“What? You didn’t get the save the date engagement announcement cards we sent out last week?” His teasing warmed my heart. I couldn’t wait for Thanksgiving break when I’d see him again.
“No, and I’m offended you wouldn’t even send your own sister one. I expect to be a bridesmaid you know.”
“I’m sure it’s in the mail. Check tomorrow. Nah, we’re getting to know each other, and our status is firmly in the friend zone. But trust me, it’ll change.” He hadn’t made his move yet. I wonder what held him back. Jamie always had a reputation as a ladies’ man and didn’t usually have difficulty getting women to swoon all over him.
“Change in reality or in your mind?”
“Ouch, Lou. Thanks for the vote of confidence.”
“You’re being kinda cryptic about her, and it makes me think there’s more to the story.” Jamie would eventually tell me, but it did have me curious.
“Not at this point at least.” Based on his vague clipped answer, the story seemed complicated.
“You’re coming home for Thanksgiving, right?” Snooping into the relationship status of Jamie and Silvia had passed.
“I hope so. Wouldn’t want to leave you home with the wolves again.” No, my parents weren’t terrible, but sometimes they laid the affection on thick.
“Nice. Well, at least I’ll see you in less than a month,” I said.
“Looking forward to it, kiddo. Who knows, maybe I’ll get to meet this Gavin guy too?”
I snickered. “Maybe. How about this, when you bring this Silvia chick home, I’ll bring Gavin. Deal?”
“You’re on, sis. When are you seeing this punk-ass again?”
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“We have a date Friday night.” I rolled my eyes at the phone because Jamie would never actually go all-Cujo on me.
“Well, be safe.”
“You too. With Silvia.”
“Always.”
We expressed our goodbyes, and I smiled at the thought of Jamie and Gavin meeting, even if we weren’t even close to the family gathering stage. For now, my energy focused on getting through our next date.
Chapter 21
“Nothing fancy. Maybe some pasta, ground beef, and spaghetti?” Gavin recited our meal for the evening over the phone.
“What, now you finally have me, you’re done wooing with the Korean dishes?” Maybe I could guilt him into introducing me to another Korean meal.
“Maybe.”
“Well, it’s a good thing I like spaghetti and meat sauce.”
Friday night couldn’t come fast enough. I sneaked little kisses in between classes, but we were both on the go. Even after Composition earlier today, he had to meet with some trumpet major he accompanied on piano.
Swanson greeted us at the door, and I leaned down to give him a few good belly rubs. Sweetest dog ever, yet ugly as sin.
“I still feel bad for his mom. What were they thinking?” Swanson particularly liked rubs behind his ears.
“She ended up doing fine with the births. Had two others in the litter.”
I tsked because even though Chihuahuas and Labs are the same species, some breeds shouldn’t mate. Although I guess it could have been worse, like say a Burmese Mountain Dog and a Chihuahua. Or a Mastiff and a Mini-Dachshund, or an Akita and a Toy Poodle, or...
Before I had the chance to think of any other unfortunate dog breed pairings, Gavin swooped me in his arms, and seized my mouth with his. He expertly walked us backward toward his couch.
“You have no idea how much I have missed you.” He practically growled.