by Lila Moore
I smiled. “Are you going to take him out on the ice?”
“Of course. I was his age when I first started skating.”
“No, you weren’t,” I teased.
“You don’t believe me? My mother always said I learned to skate before I learned to walk.”
“Your mother also thinks you walk on water. She adores you.”
Sledge shrugged and lifted the baby into the air. He giggled as he lowered, then lifted him again.
“When I take him to the arena, word will spread quickly,” he said. “My agent knows already. When the press starts to ask questions, he will confirm the baby is mine, and that I only recently learned of his existence. I’m not going to name you publically as the mother to protect you privacy. The tabloids-not to mention the fans-can be intense. You’re better off not having to deal with them.”
“They’ll figure out who I am. Your online fans dig into every detail of your life. They already know my name. They’ve been trying to dig up dirt on me for a while now. It won’t take long for them to make the connection.”
“Just ignore them. I’m doing what I can to give you and the baby a normal life away from the spotlight, but it won’t be easy. I’ll find you a place to live that’s close to campus. I’ve hired a nanny, but we’ll probably need a second.”
“Two nannies? Isn’t that a bit much?”
“One for my place, one for yours.”
A gulf opened up between us. Sledge would never forgive me for keeping this secret. He would never trust me enough to take me back. I couldn’t blame him. If I was him, I’d probably hate me.
“I think the baby should stay here for a while,” Sledge continued. “Just until you get settled, and you can get clean.”
“Get clean?”
“Off pills. I can’t have you using drugs around our baby.”
“I’m not some junkie. I know it doesn’t mean anything to you, but I’ve lived with the weight of this secret for a long time. It was crushing me. I wake up every morning wanting to die. The pills were the only thing that took the pain away. So, don’t judge me, or dismiss me that way.”
“You’re wrong. Your suffering matters to me. Don’t pretend like I don’t care about you. Your happiness means everything to me. If you’d come to me, I would have helped you. I just don’t understand why you didn’t.”
“Because I love you,” I blurted out. I took myself by surprise. It wasn’t something I’d thought about for a long time. Using the ‘L’ word felt a bit strange. “I was scared of my father. Once he stole the baby from me, I was told he was adopted into a new family. I thought I’d never see him again. What was I supposed to do? If I’d told you I was pregnant, you would have quit playing hockey. You would have gotten a shitty job back home and we would have raised our baby in poverty while you spent the rest of your life resenting me for ruining your dreams. I didn’t want to be the person who trapped you with a baby.”
“Don’t do that. You’re being ridiculous. I wouldn’t have quit. I would have found a way to make it work.”
He looked at the baby. There was a catch in his voice as if he didn’t quite believe what he was saying. Deep down, I suspect he knew I was right. Sledge was impulsive. He would have acted rashly and thrown his dreams away to take care of his family. He was a good person, but he didn’t always think through his decisions.
“After the baby was taken from me, I thought telling you would only make things worse,” I said. “I mean, what was I supposed to do? Tell you that you have a son, but I have no idea where he is and even if I did know, it wouldn’t matter because another family had adopted him. Congratulations, you’re a father-oh, and by the way-you can never see your son. Would that have made you happy? You would have hated me-and rightfully so. I couldn’t stand the idea of being the villain in your eyes.”
“I don’t think of you as a villain,” he said sounding more than a little exhausted. “Let’s just focus on what’s important right now, the baby.”
“Okay.”
“What are we going to name him?”
“Sledge Jr.?” I joked. “He looks exactly like you.”
Sledge smiled. “We have the same eyes.”
“And nose, and lips, and jaw. The only thing he inherited from me is his hair. He’s a little clone of you. He’s a lucky boy. He’ll grow up to be strong and handsome like his daddy.”
“Little Thor.”
“We’re not naming him Thor.”
“Why not?”
“Thor is a dog’s name, not a child’s name.”
“I used to know a guy named Thor in high school, remember?”
“Thor was his nickname, not his real name.”
“What do you want to name him?”
Sledge’s real name was Jacob. When we were kids, everyone called him Jake. Then he started playing hockey and became known for his bad temper and strength on the rink. From then on, he was ‘Sledge’ to everyone.
“Maybe we should just give him a normal name?” I said. “Then when his personality starts to develop, he’ll end up with a nickname, just like you.”
Sledge and I watched as the baby threw his toys around and made noises as if he was trying to talk.
“He’s got a temper like his old man,” Sledge said.
“God help us.” Sledge smiled. “Maybe we should name him after you. How about Jake?”
“I don’t know.”
“Why not?”
“He should have his own name.”
“I like Jake. It’s a tribute to his father. Besides, no one has called you Jake since we were little kids.”
The baby made a loud sound and threw one of his toys, hitting Sledge’s leg. Then he grabbed his teddy bear and kissed its forehead the same way I had earlier.
“That’s sweet. You love your bear?” I asked him.
“Buh-” he replied, attempting to say bear.
“Bear?” Sledge said, helping him out.
The baby repeated the ‘buh,’ sound again as he tried to say bear.
“That’s what we should call him,” Sledge said. “He’s got a temper like a little bear.”
The baby repeated ‘buh, buh, buh,’ again. Sledge growled and picked him up, tossing him above his head. The baby giggled as Sledge brought him down and tickled him. He chewed on his fingers and smiled up at Sledge.
“Should we feed him?” I said. I checked my watch. It was getting late. “He should eat now, then I’ll put him down for bed.”
“Your mama’s no fun. She says it’s time for bed,” Sledge said to the baby.
I couldn’t help smiling as they played. I made the baby a bottle. He took it from me and drank it down greedily, then Sledge burped him and handed him off to me. I carried him to the nursery, but he was still wide awake. I paced around the nursery with the baby in my arms. He fussed a bit, but his eyes soon grew heavy. I put him down in his crib and pulled the blankets up to his chest. He sighed and drifted off to sleep.
I leaned down and kissed his soft warm cheek. I could smell milk and something else. He had a unique sweet smell I couldn’t place. I kissed him again and turned to leave. Sledge was standing in the doorway, watching. For a second, I felt defensive. He didn’t trust me with the baby. Why else would he watch me? Did he think I was such a mess that I couldn’t be trusted alone with my own baby?
I took a step closer, ready to start a fight. When I took a step towards him though, I saw that Sledge looked happy, not suspicious. I was wrong to assume he was angry. He was happy to have a family. Hope sprung fresh. Maybe Sledge was capable of forgiving me? I didn’t want to push my luck tonight. I left the baby’s room with Sledge closely behind.
“It’s getting late. Why don’t you spend the night here?” Sledge said.
I glanced at the couch. Only yesterday we’d had sex on his sofa. My father had shown up looking for me. If he’d caught us together, hell would have broken loose. Sledge would have beaten him within an inch of his life. The thought made me smile.
Feeling disappointed we wouldn’t he sharing a bed, I followed him.
“The bathroom’s through there,” he said pointing. “There should be towels and everything you need.”
Watching Sledge play the host was a bit strange. He seemed uncomfortable. Why was he nervous? We stood before each other awkwardly for a moment.
“Well, goodnight,” he said.
He started to step towards me as if to embrace me or possibly kiss me goodnight. He thought better of it at the last second and stepped away. Sledge stepped out of the room and closed the door behind him. I sighed and took off my shoes and jeans. I crawled in to bed wearing only my t-shirt and closed my eyes.
Sleep didn’t come. Minutes turned to hours. The city outside became quieter as the night wore on, but never fully silenced. Having grown up in a small, quiet town, the sounds of the city were still alien to me.
Unable to sleep, I decided to check on the baby. I tiptoed into the nursery. He was sound asleep. The teddy bear lay next to him. Sledge must have put it in the crib with him after I’d left. I smiled and watched him for a while. I was a little disappointed he didn’t wake up. I wanted to hold him again and rock him back to sleep.
I reached into the crib and ran the back of my hand over his cheek. He was so peaceful. At least one of us was sleeping through the night. I envied him that. With effort, I left the nursery. I didn’t feel like going back to my room, but I felt uncomfortable wandering around Sledge’s condo. It was dark and cold at night. The open space in the living room creeped me out for some reason.
Sledge’s bedroom door was open. Was he asleep? I walked over to his door and peeked inside. I didn’t mean to disturb him I just wanted to see if he was able to sleep soundly after everything that had happened. I looked inside, but the room was dark. I heard the steady rhythm of breathing and assumed he was asleep.
“Bobbi?” he called.
I let out a little scream, then started to laugh. “I thought you were asleep. You scared the shit out of me.”
Embarrassment washed over me. He must have thought I was a lunatic. Who watches someone while they’re sleeping?
“Come here,” he said.
I walked into the room and sat down on the edge of his bed. The room was big, but mostly empty. Hockey equipment was stacked against the far wall; there were a few pictures of Sledge with his teammates, framed and sitting on bedside table. Among them was one of Sledge with me and Chick. We stood on the ice together smiling. I remembered when the photo was taken. It was right before I lost my virginity to Sledge. My father was the one who took the picture. I suddenly had the urge to grab the photo and throw it out the window. Everything my father touched felt tainted.
“I remember that day,” Sledge said, following my gaze. “Your dad wouldn’t let you play hockey with us. He said it was inappropriate for a young lady to play a man’s sport. I remember laughing. You were never a fragile little girl.”
He was right. Once upon a time, I was tough. Life had worn me down.
“You must be disappointed by what I’ve become.”
“What do you mean?”
“A liar, a drug abuser. The old me wouldn’t recognize the new me.”
“We’ve all changed. We’re not kids anymore. I doubt the me in that picture would recognize the me today.”
“You haven’t changed though.”
“I have. You just haven’t been around long enough to see it.”
I thought back to when I saw Sledge for the first time at the club. He was surrounded by girls and drinking like a fish.
“When you dumped me, you left a hole behind. The only way to fill it was with drinking, girls and trouble,” he said.
“You’re a professional athlete,” I replied with a shrug.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Astrid says you’re all drunk sluts.”
Sledge laughed. “Oh, really?”
“Can you name one professional athlete that’s a quiet family man?”
Sledge thought for a moment, then said: “That doesn’t matter. It’s not who I am.”
“Are you sure? I mean, I know you enjoyed all those girls.”
“Do you?” he said irritably. “What makes you so sure I was having fun?”
“Are you kidding me? If I was in your shoes and had hot guys willing to do whatever I wanted…”
“What?”
“I wouldn’t be depressed.”
“You can be depressed and still get laid. People find different ways to fill the emptiness inside them. Some use women, some use pills…”
An awkward silence fell between us. It never occurred to me that Sledge might be depressed. He always knew how to have a good time. Though when I thought back to what I knew of his life the past year it made sense. Sledge liked to fight, but he was getting into a ridiculous amount of altercations lately. Fights had a way of finding Sledge. Actually the opposite was closer to the truth. It seemed like he found a player to fight with every game, sometimes multiple times a game.
Then there were the girls. I never imagined Sledge being attracted to models. Maybe I’d been naïve. He was a red-blooded man. I was sure most guys would jump at the chance to hook-up with a swimsuit model. Professional athletes had girls throwing themselves at them all the time. Why would Sledge be immune to temptation? It was silly to think so.
“You didn’t like the attention? Or hooking up with all those girls?” I asked.
He gave me a harsh look as if he thought I was judging him. I wasn’t. I was genuinely curious.
“I enjoyed it, okay? Are you happy?”
“I’m not trying to pick a fight. I’m just trying to understand.”
“It was a lot of fun for a while. I even managed to forget about you for a time, but it didn’t last. Those girls are just a cheap substitute for the real thing.”
“Am I the real thing?” I asked shyly.
“You were all I ever wanted.”
Sledge touched my arm with the back of his hand. He was shirtless; the bed sheets hovered around his waist. Was he naked beneath them? His light touch turned me on more than if he’d kissed me and ripped off my clothes.
“You don’t hate me?” I whispered.
He traced the curve of my arm, then his fingertips moved over my thigh. I tried to suppress the chill working its way up my spine.
“I never hated you-not even now.”
“Do you forgive me?”
“I’m not there yet,” he said after a pause. He traced the curve of my calf with his fingertips. “Come here,” he said.
He pulled back the sheets. I slid beneath them. I was afraid to get too close. What if I touched him only to wake alone in my bed having discovered this was all a dream?
Sledge pulled me to him. I rested my head on his chest and was relieved to discover this wasn’t a dream. He was warm and soft. A fading bruise covered his shoulder. I traced the outline of it. The bruise was huge; he must have taken quite the blow. He didn’t seem bothered at all. If he was injured, he didn’t show it.
Sledge’s hand rested on the small of my back. His touch was light, but I could feel the power in it. I waited for it to slide beneath my shirt, to feel him pull at my underwear and squeeze my breasts. But he didn’t. He held me close and we laid together, legs tangled beneath the sheets, all night. Neither of us spoke. I was afraid to even breathe. I was sure the moment wouldn’t last.
I fought sleep all night. I was terrified something would interrupt us, like my father would burst into the room like a madman and pull me away from Sledge forever. He’d take the baby and give him up for adoption. I’d have no idea what happened to him or if he was loved.
I clung to Sledge and forced myself to fight off the darkness. It did little good. I soon found myself enveloped by it.
18
I woke with a start. I was alone in bed. It was just as I’d feared: Sledge woke, realized his mistake and left. I knew h
e would have second thoughts about forgiving me and decide I was beyond redemption.
I jumped out of bed and headed into the living room. It was empty. I heard a cry and headed to the nursery. Sledge had just changed the baby’s diaper and was busy dressing him in a striped onesie. He glanced at me over his shoulder.
“There’s your mama,” he said to the baby. “I thought she was going to sleep all day.”
He put a jacket on the baby, then handed him to me. Confused, I took him. Why wasn’t Sledge mad at me? He acted as if nothing had happened.
“You should get dressed,” he said, his eyes drifting over my bare legs.
“Where are we going?”
“To take the baby to see the ice.”
I dressed quickly, then followed Sledge out of the condo. I held little Jake tight as we headed down to Sledge’s car. When we stepped into the lobby, I expected to see several curious stares come our way. No one cared though. Everyone ignored us. I wasn’t sure why I thought anyone would care. Maybe I’d spent too much time on the hockey gossip message boards. The posters on that site were obsessed with the players every movement. I assumed they’d be out stalking Sledge’s place.
The street was full of passersby and cars, but no one suspicion. It wasn’t just Sledge’s fans that left me nervous. I was afraid my father would show up and try to take the baby away. If I lost him after just being reunited with him I would die. I couldn’t handle losing him twice.
I hugged Jake to me tight, keeping my eye out for anyone suspicion. Sledge took the baby from me and put him in his car seat. I let him go, but it wasn’t easy. I trusted Sledge, but I was nervous.
“You okay?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I lied.
He nodded and helped me into the passenger’s seat. I was relieved once the car started and we were on our way. We drove to the stadium downtown. It was Sledge’s team’s home arena. The place was deserted. We entered through the player’s entrance. A security guard asked Sledge what was up. He replied by saying: “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”
I smiled awkwardly as we made our way to the ice. The arena was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. It was kind of spooky.