Finding Strength (The Searchers Book 5)

by Ripley Proserpina

  “We have to be careful not to overwhelm her,” Apollo said for what had to have been the hundredth time as they followed her bed through the hospital.

  “I know,” Cai answered. “We’ve been doing a pretty good job.”

  “It’s going to get harder now,” he whispered. The nurse wheeled the bed into an elevator. “We’ll meet you there,” he called to Nora. He waited for the doors to close before he turned to him. “She’s going to start physical therapy. Occupational therapy. I think even speech therapy.”

  “She speaks fine,” Cai countered.

  “Yeah, but with her memory, they’ll be done to rule it out—which means evaluations. It’s going to stress her out, and add to that the exhaustion that comes with just healing…” Apollo ran his hand over the back of his head.

  “What do your professors say?” Ryan asked from nearby. “You good with finals and all that?”

  “They’re giving me extensions, but there’s a final date it all has to be done. I spoke to the dean, and worst case, I get an incomplete.”

  “But they’ll give you a chance to finish it all, right?” Seok asked.

  “I think so,” Apollo answered. He shrugged. “I couldn’t care less, honestly.”

  “You have to care.” Surprised by Seok’s vehemence, Cai studied his friend. Since Nora’s accident, his emotions had been all over the place—which made sense. All of them were tired and stressed, but… It was something different with Seok. Something more. There was distance growing between Seok and the four of them. “You’ve come so far, Apollo. Don’t throw away all your hard work.”

  “Throw it away?” Apollo hit the elevator button with a closed fist. “I’m not throwing shit away. Our girl needs us. There’s nothing I’ve done, or will do, that’s more important than she is.”

  “You almost have your degree. You’re about to graduate. If you don’t— Graduating debt free is important to you, but you’re adding more classes if you don’t do what you need to do now.”

  The doors opened, and Seok spun away. “I’ll meet you guys there.”

  “Seok!” Cai called out. He’d seen the same look in his own eyes that he now saw in Seok’s.

  “I’ll be right back,” he called, and the door slammed shut behind him.

  The elevator dinged, and the four of them stood in front of the open doors. Ryan got on first. “Come on. He needs to think. Give him a little space.”

  “I don’t understand him,” Matisse said as they piled inside. “He never does this. He’s not a runner.”

  From the corner of his eye, Cai caught Apollo’s wince. “Sorry.”

  Apollo shook his head. “You’re right. I ran. I didn’t— I—” He stopped, stuck.

  “How do you feel now?” Cai asked. Yeah, it was social-workery of him, but he wanted to know. He needed to know. Apollo was part of this family, and it didn’t work without him. When he’d left, there was a hole. The guys beside him meant as much to him as any of his blood-relatives. More maybe, because Cai had created this family from scratch.

  “I’m not going anywhere,” Apollo answered, decisively. He looked up from the spot on the floor he’d been staring at. “It was a fucking wake-up call, you know? I could have lost her, and I was ready to give her up. I made the choice to give her up…”

  “You weren’t coming back?” Cai asked, hoping he masked the surprise in his voice.

  “I don’t know that I was,” Apollo said. “I’d like to think I’d have gotten my head screwed on straight, but I was so wrapped up in my hurt and anger.”

  “Why?” Tisse asked. It was such a Matisse question—straight to the heart of the emotion. “Why were you angry?”

  “Because I didn’t want to share her.”

  The elevator doors opened, and the group waiting to get on the elevator parted as Apollo stepped off. Cai followed him, wanting to ask more and dig deeper, but he glimpsed Marie. Questions would have to wait. This wasn’t a discussion he wanted to have around Nora. Not yet.

  26

  Nora

  Nora shouldn’t have been tired from the move from ICU to a step-down ward, but she was. Marie was talking to another nurse. She should probably care about that, take an interest in her prognosis and treatment, but fuck it.

  Closing her eyes, she let herself be lulled by the cadence of Marie’s voice.

  “Hey…”

  Jolting awake, Nora opened her eyes. Shit, that had hurt. The room was dark, but light shone in from an outside window.

  “Sorry.” It was Apollo. The other guys were here as well, watching her.

  “It’s okay,” she said, shifting to find a comfortable position. Except that was impossible because everything ached now. At least her head didn’t hurt. Nora concentrated. Huh. That was different. She’d gotten used to the constant ache, and without it, she felt a million times better.

  “How long do you think I’ll be here?” she asked. It was a question she was certain she’d already asked, but she couldn’t remember the answer. “God, this is so fucking frustrating. I know the answer, it’s on the top of my lung.” Wait. That wasn’t right. “Top of…” She couldn’t find it.

  “Tip of your tongue,” Matisse offered.

  Right. She’d used that phrase her entire life, but one good bump and suddenly she couldn’t remember a simple idiot. Idiom. “Dammit.”

  “Few more days, and then hopefully discharge and rehab,” Apollo said. “You’re getting there, baby girl. It’s a long process, I know.”

  She stared into Apollo’s warm brown eyes, and her nerves settled. “You always know what to say,” she said. “I’m not anxious when you’re with me.” She reached for him with the arm closest to him and sucked in a breath. “Fucking mother fucker.”

  Apollo touched the top of her leg, his large hand curling around her. “You’re straight up ibuprofen and Tylenol now. It’ll wear off faster.”

  Her nerves were still zinging from the pain, but she managed to nod. “What time is it?”

  “Late,” Ryan answered. “Nearly ten.”

  “Why are you all still here?” she asked, except it came out all wrong. She was glad they were there, but they couldn’t have been comfortable. There was no space in the room. And how did she end up with a room all to herself anyway? No way was her insurance covering all this.

  Oh God. Insurance. Her insurance wasn’t bad, but it had a huge deductible. Nearby, an alarm went off.

  “Breathe with me,” Apollo said. “I can see the panic written all over your face. Just tell me what’s stressing you out.”

  “Money,” she answered. “My insurance.” Once she got started, everything poured out. “Your jobs. School. My job. Frank! Did anyone call my boss?”

  “I did,” Seok answered. “He said just to focus on getting better.”

  “But what about the rest of it?” she asked. No one had rushed to reassure her that all their jobs and responsibilities were covered.

  She glanced over at Cai. “Tyler…”

  “He’s okay,” he said. “Someone is covering for me.”

  But for how long? How many days had passed since she’d been here? God damn her memory. Everything washed together in a haze.

  “Smell cocoa, cool the cookie…” Apollo’s voice was even and deep.

  “I thought it was smell the flower,” she said but inhaled and exhaled like he demonstrated.

  “You’re right,” he replied. “Smell the flower.”

  “I like the cocoa,” she said. “Makes more sense and goes with a cookie.”

  One side of his mouth quirked. “Then smell the cocoa.”

  Eventually, her panic started to subside when she saw that the guys weren’t freaking out like she was.

  “Sorry.”

  “Stop apologizing,” Cai said. “You’re the most important thing to us. Everything else will work out.”

  She couldn’t hold his stare. Most important thing… She loved them all so much. They’d put their entire lives on hold for her, and they
kept rescuing her. Every time she fell, they caught her.

  She’d never had that before.

  “I love you guys,” she said, lifting her gaze from the blanket to each of them. “I can’t do this without you.”

  “You don’t have to,” Apollo answered quickly.

  Something nudged her memory, but when she tried to grasp it, it flitted away. “I thought you were taking turns staying over with me,” she said, giving up trying to remember whatever that was. “And I think it’s Seok’s turn.”

  Their smiles were blinding. “You remembered.” Apollo squeezed her thigh. “See? Getting better every day.”

  Seok had fallen asleep not long after the other guys had left, and now Nora stared at him. Apparently, her afternoon nap meant she wouldn’t sleep for a while.

  She took advantage of the quiet though, and being relatively alone, to think. The holes in her memory bothered her, she hadn’t made a secret of that, but what she hadn’t told the guys was how far back the hole went.

  She remembered Matisse decorating a hotel room like it was Mardi Gras. She could remember going to Ryan’s class and listening to him lecture… but then… nothing.

  No airport.

  No Bijoux Shores.

  No motorcycle ride.

  Nothing. Just a hole.

  It would come back, or it wouldn’t. That was what she kept telling herself. And it didn’t bother her, not remembering that, as much as it did the little details. She hated asking the same questions, over and over.

  She sighed and looked around her room. This room was nicer than the ICU one. She could see outside, and there was a little bedside table on her good side. A phone sat on it, plugged in, and she grabbed it.

  She opened up the Notes app and started to type, one handed. It was awkward, but she managed to get some notes down…

  Seok spent the night.

  Your nurse is named… Shit. What was her nurse’s name? Who knew it hurt so much to think hard? Marie? No. That was the ICU nurse.

  Bailey!

  Her daytime nurse was Bailey, and the night nurse was Valentina. Like Valentine’s Day.

  She put her phone in her lap and thought about the last day. Her collar was off, this one was more comfortable, and she could move now.

  What else? She’d been worried earlier—jobs, school.

  She picked up the phone again. Apollo and Ryan’s finals were extended. Seok called Frank. Cai’s on leave.

  There. That took care of those questions. She’d just check her phone before she opened her mouth.

  “What are you doing?” Seok whispered.

  She put her phone down. “Making notes. So I don’t forget.”

  The sheets rustled as he sat up. “It’s for emergencies. No screen time.”

  “Shit.” He was right.

  He appeared next to her bed a second later. “I’ll be right back,” he said and leaned over to kiss her forehead. He came back with paper and a pen. “Old school.” Taking her phone, he glanced at her. “Do you mind?”

  “No.”

  He opened up the app and started transferring her notes onto the paper. “It really bothers you to ask the same questions.”

  “It does,” she replied. “It makes me anxious. All the time, I feel like I’ve forgotten something important.”

  “They’re all about us.” Seok put the pen down and sat in a nearby chair. “Your worries.”

  “You’re all doing so much, giving up so much.”

  He leaned forward, his fingers curling into her blanket before he released it and rubbed his palms against it. “We’d give up anything for you. All we want is you to be well.”

  “I don’t want you to give up anything,” she answered. Because she didn’t. She wanted to add to their lives, not take away. “If you needed to go back to Vermont, I’d be okay. You know that, right?”

  “You’re a survivor, Nora.” Seok met her gaze. The light from the hall and from outside covered him in shadows. “I know you’ll be okay. But I like to see it with my own eyes, you know?”

  She did. When Cai was in the hospital, all she’d wanted to do was stare at him. It killed her to leave his side.

  Was that how they felt about her?

  “I could have died.” She thought she’d just said it in her head, but from the expression on his face, she hadn’t. He stared at her before he stood and grabbed her hand. He dropped his head to her shoulder, and she could feel his breath on her throat.

  “Yeah.” His voice was a harsh whisper. “For the rest of my life, I’ll never forget the moment I wasn’t sure you were alive. You or Matisse.”

  Involuntarily, her gaze went to the paper. He’d written out, Matisse was in the accident, but he’s ok.

  “It’s probably better I don’t remember that part. I don’t know what I would have done if I’d known Matisse was hurt, too.”

  “You were out of it and didn’t realize anything,” he said. “Matisse was the one who had to wake up to learn you were hurt.”

  He hadn’t said it in a cruel way, but Nora could so easily put herself in his shoes. “It must have been awful.”

  “I wish you’d been awake. Seeing you asleep like you were, not knowing if you’d wake up you or not. It was horrible for all of us.”

  “But I’m okay now,” she said, and pointed to the paper. “Maybe you need your own list.”

  Seok chuckled and shook his head. ‘Maybe I do. A list of things I’m grateful for. A list of things that are important.”

  Nora smiled at him. “Do you want me to write this time?”

  He placed the paper on the table that swung over her bed and put the pen on top of it. “No. I think you should sleep.”

  “I’m wide awake right now.” She looked out the window. “What’s it like outside? Is it nice?”

  “It was earlier in the week. Do you remember going swimming?”

  She’d gone swimming? “Remind me again why we live in a place that’s freezing nine months of the year.”

  “Have you ever considered living anywhere else?” Seok asked. He took her hand and turned it over in his. His rough finger traced the lines on her palm, making swirls and loops.

  “Sure,” she answered. “Every January. But then May would come and I’d think Vermont was the most beautiful place in the world and why would I want to leave?”

  “And now?” He glanced up at her, his dark eyes holding hers. “Would you consider it?”

  Was he asking because this was something on the horizon or just out of curiosity? It probably didn’t matter because her answer wouldn’t change. “Home is where you are. I’d be happy to live in Siberia as long as I was with you.”

  He studied her hand as she spoke and lifted it to his lips. He kissed it once, then again, holding her hand against his mouth. Slowly, he turned his head until his cheek lay on it. “Lucky for you, Siberia is not in the cards.”

  But something else was… she could hear it now. His worry. “We’ll make it work,” she said. She touched him beneath his chin until he met her eyes. “No matter where we all need to be, we’ll make it work.”

  “I wish it was that easy,” he said.

  “It’s only as hard as we make it,” she replied. “Ryan has to go to law school. Cai has a job he loves. You’re an architect and a builder. But our home is with each other. There’s no other option but to be together.” He stared at her. “I won’t let there be.” Her body might be hurt and weak, but her belief in Seok and the guys wasn’t. “Nothing could take us away from each other.”

  Seok sighed and leaned back in his chair. “Go to sleep, nae sarang.” He hadn’t used the endearment in a long time, and she smiled, remembering the first time she’d heard it and asked him what it meant.

  “Will you put that on the list?” she asked.

  “What?”

  “Seok calls me nae sarang,” she butchered it when she said it, but he smiled so it was all good, “and it means…”

  He stood and kissed her cheek, and then, ever
so gently, her lips. “My love. It means my love.”

  27

  Apollo

  Matisse’s house was way too quiet. Ryan, Cai, and Matisse had gone to bed, but Apollo was wide-awake.

  His internal clock was all thrown off, and he felt like shit. He was eating like shit, he hadn’t worked out, hadn’t even thought about working out since he got here, and it was starting to catch up with him.

  Mississippi was warm, but as Apollo stepped out onto the veranda, he shivered. He had to do something to get rid of all this anxiety.

  He stepped off of the stone and onto the grass, padding quietly to the pool. Silently, he slid his shoes and socks off before sitting on the edge. The first touch of the water to his skin made him suck in a breath. Damn.

  But it was manageable. No worse than the Atlantic in the summer. He pushed himself off the side and splashed into the water. For a second, he just floated beneath the surface, and then he kicked off. He was wearing shorts and a t-shirt, but when he got to one end of the pool, he stripped out of them. Clad in his boxers, he pushed off the wall and did another lap.

  His lungs burned, and his body ached. This sort of exercise wasn’t what he was used to. He could run, fight, lift—no problem. But this used every muscle in his body. He had to coordinate his breathing.

  It took all his concentration, and it was fucking perfect.

  After a while he got in a groove. His strokes came easier, and he relished the cool air when it rushed into his lungs.

  But he couldn’t swim forever. Eventually, he couldn’t ignore his tired muscles, and after choking on a mouthful of water, he stopped and flipped onto his back.

  Bijoux Shores was a good size town, but he could still see the stars. So he floated, eyes trained on the night sky.

  He had a lot to be grateful for. It was funny how as he stared into the night, he kept thinking about how lucky he was.

  The universe had given him a second chance with Nora, and he wasn’t going to waste it. When she was healed, stronger, he’d apologize for leaving her the way he had.