by A. P. Watson
Jacks: Got any advice on how to help me sleep? I already turned off all the lights and drank a glass of milk.
My fingers acted of their own volition, typing out and sending a reply before my brain could catch up.
Me: Imagine I’m there.
What the fuck was wrong with me? It was almost as if I enjoyed being burned. I quickly typed out another message, praying it would help me save face.
Me: Telling you to close your eyes and relax.
Jacks: If only you were.
Me: Yeah.
Jacks: I’ll try my best, but I guarantee it won’t matter. I only average two or three hours of sleep a night anyways.
Me: That’s less than twenty hours of sleep each week.
Jacks: Believe me, I know.
Me: You’re going to wind up in the hospital.
Jacks: Probably.
In the few years I’d been a nurse, I’d already seen things like this happen. With next to no sleep and a demanding work schedule, Jacks would be admitted to the hospital with exhaustion within a month. He was suffering—I saw the evidence earlier tonight. The purple rings under his eyes and the weight he’d lost were visible proof that I wasn’t the only one who had been hurting.
Me: Come over and I’ll massage your temples. That always seemed to work for you before.
It was official, I was a borderline psychopath who had a blatant disregard for her own sanity. There were medications for this type of thing, and as of right now, I needed to be popping them into my mouth like Tic Tacs.
Jacks: Are you sure?
Absolutely fucking not.
Me: Yes.
Jacks: Okay, I’ll be there soon.
Terror, excitement, and relief swirled through my body like a veritable hurricane. I drained the tub and jumped out, quickly drying off. I ran down the hall to my room and pulled on a pair of underwear and a bra faster than I previously believed possible. A pair of yoga pants and a tank top rounded out my ensemble of choice. I headed back to the bathroom to brush and blow-dry my hair, fixing it to allow the long locks to fall over my shoulders in soft waves. There was just enough time to slather some lotion on my arms and comb through my copper locks once more before I heard a knock at the door.
Despite my reservations, I raced to answer it.
“Hi,” Jacks said.
“Hi.” I slid out of the way to make room for him to enter. Once he was inside, I locked the door and motioned for him to follow me to the kitchen. “Is chamomile tea okay?”
“Yeah, that sounds great actually.”
I filled two mugs with water before sliding them into the microwave. “Do you want honey or sugar in your tea?”
“Honey,” he replied. “Thank you for letting me come over. I’m so desperate for sleep that I even considered hiring a hypnotist.”
“Well, I hope it doesn’t have to come to that.”
“Me too. So . . . how was your date?”
After removing the mugs from the microwave, I added the teabags and a teaspoon of honey to each one. “It went really well. We met for dinner at Talay Chicago,” I answered, stirring both mugs.
“Oh, I’ve heard the food there is really good.” He stopped speaking to take a sip of tea. “And I’m glad you had a wonderful time.”
“Thank you. Do you want a snack or anything?” I moved to open one of the cabinets closest to me.
“No, I’m good. Thank you though.”
I nodded. “Of course.” When I rounded the kitchen island, I tripped and slammed my left foot into the base of the cabinet. “Son of a fucking bitch,” I bit out through clenched teeth.
Jacks set down his tea, rushing to stand next to me. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I just stubbed the shit out of my toe.” I took another sip of tea and began hopping in the direction of the leather sofa. Jacks gently took the mug from my hands and placed it on the counter. “Hey!” Then, without warning, his arms swept under my legs and he carried me to the couch. “I could’ve done it myself.”
“I know, but I wanted to help.” He positioned himself opposite of me, quickly taking my foot in his hand. “Well, you’re not bleeding, so that’s good.”
“Which one of us is the nurse here?”
He chuckled slightly, his fingers barely grazing my skin as he examined each toe. “Which ones do you not have any feeling in?”
“Oh,” I whispered. “It’s the last three.”
“Okay.” His hands covered every inch of my foot one final time before setting it back on the floor. “I know I’m not a nurse, but I think you’ll live.”
“Ass,” I muttered under my breath.
If I expected Jacks to be offended by my insult, I was sorely mistaken. He grinned mischievously at my word choice. “Never thought I’d be so glad to hear you call me an ass again.”
I rolled my eyes with as much sass as I could muster. “I thought you came here for my help.” I scooted closer to him.
“I did.”
I placed the tips of my fingers on his temples. “Okay, take a deep breath for me.” At my command, he inhaled deeply. “And exhale through your mouth.” I massaged his skin gently, watching as the residual tension in his muscles began to dissipate. “How does that feel?”
“Really good,” he breathed.
“Take another breath for me.”
I continued my instructions for several minutes, noticing that Jacks relaxed more and more with each cycle. When we finally finished, the majority of my hair had fallen in front of my face. He swept the strands behind my ear, his fingers faintly lingering against my cheek.
He pulled away awkwardly. “Sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it.” I smiled. It was strange how a simple touch could crumble the fragile façade I’d built. “How do you feel?”
“Like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.” He slumped into the couch, sighing heavily.
“Glad I could help.”
“You’re too kind for your own good.”
My head tilted in his direction. “What do you mean?”
“If you were anyone else, you’d let me suffer.”
“That isn’t true.”
“Yes, it is,” he said with a laugh. “And they’d be right to do it too.”
My throat suddenly became dry. I wanted to reply, but the air surrounding us grew heavy. There were so many things I wanted to say, and even more I wanted to hear. After all my proclamations of self-preservation, here I was, ready to run toward the one person I needed to stay away from.
“Do you want to watch something?” I turned on the television, desperate to change the direction of our conversation.
“Sure.” Jacks removed his hoodie, leaning back into the couch.
“What did you have in mind?”
“Surprise me,” he stated. I pulled up Netflix, settling on the next episode of The X-Files. “I’ve been wanting to watch this.”
“Me too.”
Jacks made it through two episodes before passing out. I helped him spread out on the couch and covered him with a blanket.
When I turned to leave, he caught my wrist. “Thanks.”
I bent close to him. “Get some rest, Jacks,” I whispered.
“Okay, chipmunk,” he said with a yawn.
I left Jacks on the couch and retreated to my room. It wasn’t even midnight yet, but my body still felt drained. I nestled under the covers of my bed, ready to fall asleep, only to remember that Ter and Ryan could be coming home at any moment. Not wanting Jacks to get woken up, I shot Ter a quick text.
Me: Hey, if you guys could try to be a little quiet when you get back to the townhouse, I’d appreciate it. Jacks is passed out on our couch right now.
Terayn: What???!!! Tell me everything!! Now!!!
The accompanying barrage of emojis in her text made me cringe.
Me: What did I tell you about using that many emojis?
Terayn: You just informed me that Jacks was sleeping on our couch. The emojis were warranted, so
suck it up, buttercup.
Me: Why do I love you?
Apparently, my texts weren’t satisfactory in Ter’s book, because the next thing I knew, she was calling me.
“What?” I asked in a hushed voice.
“Don’t ‘what’ me!” she spat. “I want you to relay your entire evening to me, and I want you to use ridiculous amounts of adjectives.”
“Aren’t you and Ryan having a date night?”
“Yes.”
“Then shouldn’t you be focusing on your fiancé?”
“He’s talking to Robbie right now. We decided to stop by Miller’s for a few drinks. Now, spill.”
“My meeting with Jacks went well, and things felt like they did before we stopped talking. I also had a wonderful date with Kenneth. And then Jacks said he wasn’t sleeping at all, so I invited him over to see if I could help him get some rest.”
“That’s all you’re going to tell me?”
“Holy cow, Ter! What else do you want to know?”
“I can and will paint another moustache on you while you’re sleeping.”
“Really? Are we resorting to that again?”
“If you’re fighting dirty, then I am too!”
I sighed heavily. “I don’t know how it happened. One second, Jacks and I were talking, and the next, he was telling me about how he hasn’t been sleeping more than two to three hours a night. And when I saw him tonight, he looked miserable, Ter. He had bags under his eyes, and I could tell he was exhausted,” I explained. “I guess something inside of me snapped and wanted to help him. So, when he came over, I massaged his temples and helped him relax. After a while, he passed out on the couch.”
“Honestly, I’m surprised he hasn’t collapsed. Ryan said he barely eats.”
“I noticed that too.” I rubbed my forehead, wishing I knew how to fix the mess I was wrapped up in. “He also told me before he fell asleep that I was too kind for my own good. He said if I was anyone else, I would’ve let him suffer.”
“He’s probably not wrong in that assessment.”
“What the hell is wrong with me?”
“Nothing!”
“Then why am I creating a situation where I’m going to get myself hurt?”
I could hear her inhale over the phone. “Because it’s easier to hurt ourselves than the ones we care about.”
I groaned loudly. “I guess that makes me a lost cause then.”
chapter eight
it would be a shame
MY EYELIDS FLUTTERED OPEN, and I quickly noticed something was different. A bundle of flowers sat across from me, lying on my nightstand table. I blinked, hoping the daisies would still be there when I opened my eyes again. Who in the world would give me flowers?
Immediately, I sat upright, my fingers reaching for the daisies. A soft, floral scent hung in the air, and the white petals brushed my nose as I inhaled deeply. Still holding the flowers in one hand, I patted the bed beside me with the other in search of my phone. When I finally found it, I swiped my finger over the screen, checking for any notifications. Sure enough, there was a message from Jacks.
Jacks: I can’t thank you enough for helping me last night. I slept for eight hours straight. The last time that happened was October.
Me: I’m glad I could help. What time did you leave?
Jacks: 9:00. I checked on you, but you were sleeping, so I let myself out.
Me: Oh, okay. How do you feel?
Jacks: Better than I have in a really long time.
Me: Are the daisies beside my bed from you?
Jacks: Yeah. Do you like them?
Me: I love them! How did you know daisies are my favorite?
Jacks: I have my ways.
Me: You asked Terayn, didn’t you?
Jacks: I asked Terayn.
His frank honesty made me laugh.
Me: Thank you. They’re beautiful.
Jacks: My pleasure. Besides, after last night, I am eternally in your debt.
Me: I really didn’t do anything.
Jacks: What you did was everything.
Satisfaction hummed inside my chest. It was the same type of feeling I experienced at work whenever I was able to help my patients. Helping others in their times of need was my calling. For a long time, I had thought I wanted Jacks to suffer, but after last night, that assumption had been a mistake. Truth be told, I didn’t want him to be miserable at all. What I really wanted was an end to my own misery.
I crawled out of bed and entered the hallway. From the sound of it, Terayn and Ryan were already awake. My left hand held on to the bouquet as I stepped into the kitchen.
“Morning!” Ter called out cheerfully. She sat on the counter and watched Ryan cook breakfast. “Those are pretty.”
“Morning. From what I hear, I have you to thank for these.”
Ryan turned from the stove, glancing over his shoulder. “Hey.”
“I might have answered a question Jackson asked me.”
“Right.” I rolled my eyes at her attempt to feign innocence. “Ryan, please tell me there is enough food for me.”
“Isn’t there always?” he asked with a smile.
I bent down to search through a couple of cabinets, but I hadn’t gotten very far when a glass vase suddenly appeared in my line of sight. “Here you go, babe.” Ter grinned as she held the exquisite crystal in front of me. “Use our engagement present from Ry’s father.”
My head snapped in Ryan’s direction. Ryan didn’t talk about his father ever. So, I was more than surprised to hear that the man was aware of my best friends’ engagement. “Did y’all invite him to the wedding?”
I glanced between Ter and Ryan as I waited for an answer. “Ry’s mom did,” Ter answered finally.
Ryan sighed heavily. “I’d bet my life that that deadbeat jackass doesn’t even come.” Ryan furiously stirred the eggs on the stove, flinging some onto the floor. “Fuck.”
Ter and I moved quickly, cleaning up the eggs before Ryan had a chance to worry about the mess. “Why did your mom invite him?” I asked.
“She thought it would be a good time for us to make amends or some bullshit like that.”
“Like you’d want anything to do with that asshole,” Ter added.
“I suppose I can see her point. Too often, people are trying to make amends when someone is on their deathbed. I see it all the time at the hospital.”
“Even still,” Ryan replied. “He’s had years to have a relationship with me. I guess I’m not worth the trouble.”
“Yes, you are babe!”
“Want me to drive to his house and punch him in the throat?” I asked.
“I’m going too and I’ll be kicking him in the balls!” Ter cried.
“That would be a sight to see,” Ryan chuckled, shaking his head.
Ryan was one of the best guys I’d ever met, so the fact his father wanted nothing to do with him was unimaginable. Ter and I moved to stand on either side of him, our arms circling around his waist.
“Who needs that middle-aged asshole anyway?” Ter asked.
“You sure as hell don’t!” I added.
Ter kissed his cheek. “Him not wanting to be a part of your life is his loss, because you’re an incredible person.”
I laid my head on Ryan’s shoulder. “What she said.”
“Thank you.” Ryan turned off the stove and slid his arms behind our backs. “What would I do without my girls?”
“You’d probably have a lot less trouble on your hands,” I answered honestly.
Ryan laughed at my reply. “This is true.”
“But then you’d be so bored too!” Ter cried.
“That is also true,” he said with a laugh. “Thank you.”
“Anytime, babe,” Ter whispered.
My arms slid away from Ryan’s waist, and I turned to fill the vase with water and my daisies. While I busied myself, Ter and Ryan fixed three plates with food and set them on the counter. Like always, the three of us sat down for breakfast t
ogether. I’d been dealt my fair share of bad hands, but the same held true for Ter and Ryan. Ter lost her mother at a young age, and Ryan basically grew up without a father. Individually, our struggles seemed impossible, but we were the three musketeers, and we would always stick together.
The thought reminded me of an inner struggle that had plagued my mind more times than I cared to admit. So often, my confession of once being a stripper would be on the edge of my lips, but then I’d remember all the times I denied them the truth. I had looked Ter and Ryan in their eyes and lied so many times. The three of us had an unspoken promise to always help each other, so what would my best friends say when they learned I broke that pledge?
A bite of eggs went down the wrong way when I swallowed, and I quickly chugged half a glass of water to clear my throat.
“You okay?” Ter asked, clapping me on the back.
“Went down the wrong hole,” I coughed, taking another gulp of water. When the prospect of asphyxiation passed, I shifted my attention to the engagement party. Maybe I would never be able to confess my sins against them, but I could channel all my love for them into the upcoming celebration of their wedding. “So, Jacks and I have your entire engagement party planned out for next Saturday. But I wanted to know if there was anything else y’all wanted me to do or add to the list you gave me.”
“I can’t think of anything,” Ryan answered. “I think it will be perfect.”
“I agree! And I absolutely love the invitations you picked out,” Ter added. “I know whatever you and Jackson have planned will blow us away!”
“I really hope so,” I replied. “I just want y’all to have a perfect night.”
Ryan tucked a strand of Ter’s hair behind her ear. “I can’t believe we’ll be married soon.”
“I can’t wait,” Ter sang in a sing-song voice, beaming at him.
“Me neither.”
“Me neither!” I cried with a laugh. “I’ve literally been waiting for this since Probability and Statistics class.”