by A. P. Watson
“Let’s go home and get you in bed.”
His mind had been lost in thought. “Home?”
“Yeah,” I replied. “Us, your home, and your bed.”
“Lead the way.”
I drove us away from the cemetery on autopilot. When Jacks had mentioned he felt like he was just going through the motions before we met, I had also admitted to being the same way. I’d given up on love, or at least the notion it could exist for me. But that changed because I found love. And as much as I tried to deny it, I still had it. The tether connecting us was stronger than ever. It was irrefutable, undeniable evidence we belonged together.
After each of us had a shower, a glass of scotch, and a melatonin pill, Jacks and I climbed into bed. The tip of my finger traced the grooves of his abdomen as my head rested on his chest.
“There’s something I want to tell you.”
“Yeah?” he questioned.
I gazed up at him, wanting to ensure I had his undivided attention. “Jacks, you are an incredible person. You’re thoughtful, warm, and have such a kind soul. Your mom, your dad, and David would be proud of you. Their influence and memory have shaped you into the man I’m staring at. Never forget that.”
“Thank you. I know I wouldn’t have made it through this week without you.”
“Same for me.” I leaned toward him. Breathing in his scent was like a hit of pure bliss, and my mouth briefly grazed his. “Whenever things settle down, we’ll figure out what this is and what we’re doing.”
He inhaled, hands tangling in my hair. “I’d like that.”
“Good.”
My fingers continued on their path, delicately tracing his skin. Warmth seeped through his flesh and into mine. My palm flattened over his chest, the steady beating of his heart tapping out a beautiful rhythm. His hands found my waist, slipping beneath his T-shirt I wore. Before I knew what was happening, he pulled me onto his lap. His hands moved to my shoulders, leisurely cascading down my back.
“Oh,” I sighed, air barely billowing from my mouth.
Lips brushed against my neck so lightly I feared it was simply a figment of my imagination. I entwined my hands with his hair, cementing our hold.
“I’m—I’m not trying to sleep with you.” Jacks’s confession filled the air, withdrawing me from the frenzy I was all too eager to get lost in. “I know it’s not the right time, because you haven’t completely settled things with Kenneth yet, but I just need to feel you.”
I pressed a light kiss to his neck, relishing the way my presence affected him. “Whatever you need.”
Every inch of my skin was worshipped, adored. Jacks traced each curve as if he were making a mental memory of the way I felt. Silence enveloped the room around us. Our feelings for one another may have begun as friendship, but it had quickly evolved into something I never anticipated. Jacks had made his mark upon my soul, and it would endure until the day I drew my last breath.
“I needed this so much,” he breathed. The bones of my vertebrae arched as he set his cheek against my chest. “Your heart is racing.”
I giggled. If he only knew. “Yeah, it tends to do that whenever I’m around you.”
“Really?”
“It started the first time we met. I thought more than once I was going to have to medicate the sucker.”
“I sincerely pity all the men who let you slip away. How could they be so blind to everything you are?”
“Because they didn’t see me like you do,” I whispered. “No one ever has.”
“Thank God.”
We held each other until the melatonin took effect and pushed our minds to the brink of sleep.
I stayed with Jacks the following week. Thankfully, Nate picked up a few of my shifts so I didn’t have to call out of work, and Jacks’s boss made him take two weeks away from the office. We were both so used to working non-stop that having all this extra time seemed strange. But it took time to heal, and Jacks was getting better with each day that passed.
Eventually, we cleaned out David’s place. His entire music collection was moved to Jacks’s apartment. There were hundreds of records, so many that Jacks had to buy a new shelving unit just to store them all. It was an incredible assortment of musicians and bands, something he’d built over the entirety of his life. One night, I stayed up until almost four in the morning listening to Jacks play along to David’s records. Letting go was difficult, but if you were holding on to a piece of your loved ones, then you were never really saying goodbye. An affinity for music had been passed through Jacks’s family, and he would without a doubt continue to honor the tradition.
I stood in the kitchen, trying to decide what to cook Jacks and I for dinner later. Pulling out my phone, I checked to see if Ter had called, but the only missed calls and messages I had were from Kenneth. It had been over a week since the last time I’d seen him. After the way I spoke to him, I figured he would never want to see me again, but his messages suggested otherwise. He may not have known Jacks, but he still believed my best friend would hurt me. And more than anything, Kenneth wanted me all to himself.
The time for me to stop this had already come and gone. I needed to make Kenneth understand that even though Jacks and I never acted on our feelings, they still existed. Kenneth and I were good together, but it wasn’t the same, and it never would be.
I sent Kenneth a quick text asking if he wanted to meet tonight. The necessary, overdue conversation had been put on the back burner after David passed, but Jacks wasn’t completely lost to despair any longer. For days, he worried I would up and leave him, but surely, by now, he had to realize I was coming back.
Kenneth’s reply came faster than I expected.
Kenneth: I’m at my apartment if you want to come over.
Me: Okay. I’ll be there in a bit.
I ran to the bathroom and combed my fingers through my hair. The long strands fell over my shoulder in soft waves. Pulling on a pair of jeans and a thick sweater, I made sure my pearls were fastened in my ears. My emerald pendant was already on. In fact, the only times I ever took it off was for dance class and to shower. I adjusted the necklace, letting it hang in the plunging neckline of my sweater, and threw on some booties. After grabbing my purse, I headed back to the kitchen and found Jacks leaning against the island.
I laid my phone on the counter next to him and moved to the fridge to fill a glass with water.
“You look nice,” he noted.
I took a long drink of water. “Thanks.”
“You’re going to see Kenneth?”
“Yeah. I’m leaving in a minute.”
His eyes flashed to my phone briefly before returning to stare at me. “I see.”
“I’ve been meaning to see him for a while now, but I didn’t want to leave you alone, especially after the funeral.”
He crossed his arms over his chest, his entire demeanor changing drastically. “That’s what you said.”
“Okay, you’re acting weird,” I said. “What’s up?”
“It doesn’t look like Kenneth and you are on the same page.” He pointed to my phone.
I picked up the device to discover Kenneth had sent me another message.
Kenneth: I’m so ready to see you. It feels like it’s been forever since you were here. I’ve missed you.
“I’m going to end things with him.”
“Right,” he replied sarcastically. “You know, he actually stopped by one day while you were in the shower, because he was desperate to see you.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“He practically barged in here and accused me of ruining everything the two of you had.” Jacks dropped my gaze, but his guilty expression said everything I needed to know. “He told me that I was fucking with your happiness, and I thought if I told you, you’d realize he was right and leave with him.”
“I’ve already told you I don’t love Kenneth. When will you believe me and finally realize I’m not leaving you?”
He ran a hand t
hrough his hair, exhaling loudly. “It’s hard to comprehend when you’ve been trying so hard to compartmentalize every part of your life. I know what that shit looks like, Wren. I did it for a long time. You want to have it all, but it doesn’t always work out that way.”
“That’s not what I’m doing!”
“Yes, it is,” he replied, sighing. “Attempting to juggle your life like that only causes more problems than it solves.”
“That’s why I’m ending things! But clearly, you don’t believe me.”
“Wren—”
After everything we had endured together, it was obvious our past insecurities would never really leave. “Well, isn’t this fucking hilarious? I don’t ever remember giving you a reason not to trust me.” The words tasted bitter as they left my mouth, and instantly, I regretted saying them.
“Learning to trust is hard for me too, but I’m learning to trust you, to depend on you. I know I broke your trust in me, but I’ve also proved time after time I’d never do it again.”
“I thought you said you’d take whatever you could get from me.”
“I did,” he answered. “And believe me, I will take whatever you give me because not having you in my life is the worst pain I’ve ever felt. But you need to wake up. You’ve been using Kenneth as a distraction,” he leveled, his intense gaze fixating on mine. “You’re keeping him around so you can ignore everything between us. I mean, he’s a safety net for fuck’s sake!”
“You’re right . . .”
Kenneth was a distraction. He was an attempt to forget a wound that hadn’t fully healed.
“What do you want from me, Wren?”
“To go back to a time before you broke me.” And that was the truth I’d been trying to ignore for weeks. I thought I could make my peace with what had happened, but I was just a sad, broken thing ravaged by my past. The damage had already been done.
Pain, remorse, despair . . . all were there hovering in the air around him. I glanced away as he moved closer, unable to witness the emotions playing across his face any longer.
“But something like that isn’t possible for someone like me,” I whispered.
“I’m sorry.”
“Sorry doesn’t change what happened.”
He tried to reach out for me, but I stepped around him. Grabbing my phone and purse, I headed for the door. “You can’t say something like that and leave.”
“What is the point of staying?” I asked, raising my voice. “This will never work if we’re both too fucking scared to really open up to one another.”
“I’m trying to open up to you. I know I’ve made mistakes, I won’t deny the fact, but there is one mistake I will never make again and that is hurting you.” This time, his hand caught my wrist as I turned to walk away. “After everything we’ve been through, don’t you think we owe it to ourselves to try and make things work?”
“I’d like to think so, but I’ve been wrong before, and the price I paid was steep.”
He nodded, releasing my wrist. “I’m sorry.”
I wanted to reply, to tell him that I was sorry too, but the words never came. Instead, I slipped out of his apartment, locking the door behind me.
My hands trembled on the steering wheel as I drove to Kenneth’s place. Was it because of the things I had to say to Kenneth? Or because of all the things I left unsaid with Jacks? I had made this mess, and now I was doing damage control. The trembling in my hands only intensified when I knocked on Kenneth’s door.
He smiled as soon as he laid eyes on me. “Hey.”
“Hi.”
“Come on in.”
I gulped loudly, stepping past him. “Thanks.”
As soon as the door closed, he wrapped his arms around me. “I’m glad you’re finally here.”
“Kenneth . . .”
“Look, I’m sorry I was such an ass the other day. I guess I just saw the state of Jackson’s apartment and worried about you.”
“I know,” I said, sitting next to him on the couch. “But I was never in any danger. Jacks would never hurt me.”
“I stopped by one afternoon.”
“Yeah, he told me.”
His brow furrowed together. “He did?”
“Yeah. He told me what you said too.”
“Oh.”
“I’ve actually been meaning to talk to you for quite some time now.”
He sighed loudly, his fingers nervously tapping his leg. “That doesn’t sound good.”
“I really do like you, and I want to be honest with you.”
“Okay.”
“I sincerely appreciate you being sweet to me. You’re a great guy, and I’ve enjoyed spending time with you, but I don’t see this thing between us progressing any further.” I breathed deeply, hoping the act would calm my nerves. The hard part was over. Everything after this would be easy.
The muscle in his jaw began to throb. “Is this because of Jackson?”
“Yes.”
“I fucking knew it.”
“I care about him a lot. He’s my best friend and he understands me. I’ve tried to feel nothing for him, but it’s impossible.”
“You’ve been upfront about being friends with him the entire time we’ve been dating, but I should’ve known there was more to it. When I saw the two of you dancing together at Terayn and Ryan’s wedding, I realized there was no way you were just friends.”
“I’m sorry. I never meant for you to get caught up in all of this.”
“For a little while after the wedding, I thought you wanted to be with me. You really acted like you did, but as soon as I dropped you off at his apartment, I knew,” he laughed, shaking his head. “You’ve been staying at his place for over a week, and now, all of a sudden, you’re ending things with me.”
“What exactly are you trying to say?” I asked.
“Think, Wren. You’ve been sleeping at Jackson’s apartment. You’ve practically been living there. And when I stopped by the other day, you were in the shower.”
“So, I must be fucking him, right?”
“That’s what it sure seems like.”
“I would never do something like that to you or to anyone else!” My fingers combed through the ends of my hair as I tried to remain calm. “And Jacks would never do something like that either.”
“How am I supposed to believe you?”
“I’ve been upfront with you about my past. You knew Jacks and I dated briefly. And I also told you about what my ex did to me. I would never inflict that type of pain on another person. That’s why I’m here right now. It’s not right to be with you and him at the same time.”
He pushed off the couch, his whole demeanor indicating he was now on the brink of rage. “I appreciate what you’re saying, Wren, but come on. With your history, it’s not so much of a stretch to believe you’d spend time with me and fuck him behind my back.”
“With my history?” I asked, fury filtering into my voice. “You mean because I was a stripper.”
“You took off your clothes and rubbed your ass on strangers’ dicks for money. Why wouldn’t you spread your legs for your best friend?”
“And that is one reason we won’t work out. You don’t fucking know me! I may have stripped, but I would never cheat. Using my past to cast aspersions on my character is fucking low. If you truly cared for me, you’d know I’m not the type of person who could be with a man and fuck someone else behind his back.” I shot to my feet, grabbing my purse. I was done with this conversation. There was no chance in hell I’d let him talk down to me for another second. “And for the record, Jacks has always treated me with the utmost respect. He knows me, trusts me, and only ever wanted me to be happy. Even if it meant being with you.”
I inhaled sharply as the reality of my words sunk in. Jacks trusted me. He never once asked if I had slept with Kenneth. And he definitely never accused me of being a whore simply because I used to be a stripper. He understood me on every level. He saw my past, the way I survived, as somethi
ng to respect, not mock. Jacks simply wanted me to be happy, whether it meant being with him or someone else.
“Right,” Kenneth scoffed.
“Believe what you want, but I’m done with you. Call me a dirty stripper, mock my past, do whatever you want, but just know I never slept with Jacks while we were together and I’m sure as hell going to go make up for lost time.”
I stormed out of his apartment, slamming the door behind me with so much force that dust sprinkled from the ceiling. Fuck Kenneth and his judgments. To him, I’d always be a stripper, and no matter how much time we spent together, he would never see me the same way Jacks did.
chapter twenty-one
home
I PULLED OUT MY key for Jacks’s apartment, but before I could use it, the door flung open. Jacks stood before me in jeans and a leather jacket. His car keys were firmly clutched in his hand.
“Oh, were you going somewhere?” I asked.
“Yeah, to get you.” His arms wrapped around my waist, lifting me off the floor.
My arms followed his lead, holding on to his neck as tight as I could. “That’s a good answer.”
“I’m sorry for everything I said earlier. You told me that you were going to end things with Kenneth, but there was this voice in the back of my mind telling me it was too good to be true. I mean, after what I did to you, why would you ever want to be with me?”
“We’ve both hurt each other. You can’t say watching me with Kenneth didn’t hurt you.”
“It did, but I wanted you to be happy, even if it was the cause of my pain.”
“When he and I were talking, he reminded me why I’ve always been so scared to talk about stripping. I was upfront with him. I told him you and I were friends and that we dated, but things ultimately didn’t work out between us. He knew about my past with Liam, and yet . . .”
Jacks carried me over to the couch, setting me down gently. He set his keys and my purse on the coffee table before taking my hands in his. “Keep going,” he said, lightly squeezing my hands.
“He believed we were sleeping together the entire time I was staying here.” I licked my lips, lifting my gaze to meet his. “He saw how upset you were, knew David had passed, and yet he thought I was using all of it as an excuse to fuck you behind his back.”