A Woman's Courage

by S Block

  Sarah nodded. ‘Can I suggest you look to the wireless for inspiration . . . Music While You Work? It’s hugely popular, and not just with factory workers. Apparently lots of people tune in at home and claim it does wonders for morale. Why don’t you consider borrowing from their repertoire?’

  ‘That’s not a bad idea. ’ Frances nodded slowly. ‘We could tackle it together. ’

  Sarah hesitated. ‘I don’t really want to take on any commitments, not just as Adam’s about to get busy. ’ She told Frances about his decision to resume his duties as vicar of St Mark’s, starting with the Christmas Day service.

  ‘I think it’s a marvellous idea,’ Frances said. ‘A sign he’s finding his way. ’

  Sarah nodded. ‘I think so. ’ That was as long as he wasn’t taking on too much too soon. She knew how busy the parish was, the scale of the work involved. Once he took back the reins, he would have little time to himself. But then, perhaps that was exactly what he needed – something that would occupy so much of his time it left little space for the things that were so depleting to him. ‘He’s so much better now that he’s made a decision,’ Sarah went on. ‘Before, he seemed . . . adrift. Unsure. Now he has a sense of purpose he’s more alive somehow. ’

  ‘I can see why. Adam’s always had a clear sense of who he is and how he fits into the world. His vocation was central to everything he did. I can only imagine how perturbed he must have been to think it might have deserted him. ’ Frances looked hard at Sarah. ‘I’m relieved for him, and for you. I don’t doubt there were moments when you questioned whether the old Adam was gone for good. ’

  Sarah smiled. ‘Of course, the experience of war has changed him, but the core of who he is, what drives him, remains much as it ever was. ’ The differences she had detected in him were ones she could live with; Adam had his secrets now concerning some of what he ’d been through. There were things he was not willing to share – not with Sarah, not with anyone. At times, it was as if he disappeared into another world, one to which she had no access. She would watch him absorbed by something on the wireless, or poring over the newspaper, his face etched in pain. If she asked what was on his mind, he simply shook his head. Whatever he was thinking was private.

  She understood. She too harboured thoughts and feelings that were for her alone.

  We all have our secrets.

  ‘I suppose we’re all changed by war to an extent,’ Frances said softly, ‘but we’re here, at least. Unlike so many others. ’

  Nick.

  For a time Sarah had almost fallen in love with him. Almost.

  They were quiet a moment, each lost in their own thoughts.

  ‘I bumped into Alison on the way here,’ Sarah said, breaking the silence. ‘She was coming from Pat’s after a fitting of her wedding dress. ’

  Frances smiled. ‘I can’t wait to see what Pat’s done with it. We probably won’t recognise it. ’

  ‘Alison’s face lit up when I asked how it was coming along – not that she ’d tell me a thing about it, only that Pat’s proposing to embroider the date of the wedding into the hem of the underskirt in blue thread. ’

  ‘That’s her “something blue” then, and the dress qualifies as “something old”. I’ve got the mother-of-pearl earrings I wore with it, a birthday gift from Peter. ’ Frances smiled. ‘He always had good taste in jewellery. Perhaps they could be her “something borrowed”. Did she say whether they’ve decided on a date yet?’

  ‘21st January, a Wednesday. It’ll be at the registry office in Chester, followed by lunch at the Grosvenor. She’s keeping it intimate, just a few close friends: you and I, Pat, Erica and Teresa. Alison doesn’t want word getting round until after they’ve tied the knot. ’

  ‘I’d like things to work out for them,’ Frances said.

  Sarah nodded. ‘So would I. ’

  ‘As we’ve already seen, people can be narrow-minded. I do wonder if John will ever truly be accepted here, if he’ll be able to find suitable work, be in a position to stroll through the village with Alison without turning heads for all the wrong reasons. ’

  Sarah sighed and said, ‘We must hope so, for their sake. ’

  ‘Surely some good will come from this war. I like to think we’ll all emerge more tolerant, altogether kinder – less likely to object to a person because they happen to be a different colour. ’

  ‘We can only hope,’ Sarah said.

  Chapter 39

  E

  ARLY ON CHRISTMAS MORNING, Sarah woke to find that Adam wasn’t in bed.

  She discovered him downstairs in the front room, sitting in the dark. He was thinking, he said, too full of anticipation to sleep.

  ‘You know Father Christmas won’t be able to come with you here,’ Sarah said, making them both laugh.

  ‘There’s always the chimney in the dining room. ’

  She smiled. ‘Do you feel like some company?’

  He patted the sofa. She sat down next to him and rested her head against his shoulder.

  ‘Am I doing the right thing?’ he asked.

  ‘You and your questions,’ she said, taking his hand. ‘That’s one only you can answer. For what it’s worth, I think you’ve been happier since you made up your mind . . . lighter, almost. And I can’t go into the village without someone stopping me to say how thrilled they are that you’re back. So, I’d say it’s the right decision. Are you having second thoughts?’

  ‘Only about having less time to spend with you. ’

  ‘We’ll find a way of managing. ’ She squeezed his hand. ‘I can’t help thinking how little I’ve contributed in terms of your ministry in the past, that I’ve managed to absolve myself of responsibility on the grounds that I have no faith. I’ve hardly been the finest example of a vicar’s wife. ’

  ‘You never made a secret of the fact you don’t share my beliefs,’ Adam told her, ‘and it was never an issue between us. You’ve been the best wife I could have wanted. ’

  ‘I’ve left you to it, though, haven’t I? Someone more . . . traditional would have been far more involved with the parish than I’ve been. ’

  ‘I didn’t want someone more “traditional”. I wanted you. ’

  ‘Do you know, while you were away, I got more involved in the village – not out of duty, because I wanted to. It made me realise there’s more I can do to support you. From now on, I want us to be a team, Adam, in every respect. ’ She paused. ‘Saying that, I’m still not sure I could successfully host a tea party at the vicarage. I’d need Frances to give me one or two pointers there. ’

  Adam laughed. ‘I promise I will never ask you to host a tea party. ’

  *

  The church was filling up. Sarah and Frances had taken seats at the very front, Noah at their side. He was clutching the model aeroplane Spencer had helped him put together from bits of balsa wood before breakfast, waving it excitedly at anyone who passed.

  Joyce Cameron touched Sarah on the sleeve and wished her Happy Christmas before taking a seat in the pew behind.

  Frances whispered to Sarah, ‘She’s wearing my stole from the “Fashion on the Ration” sale. ’

  Sarah glanced over her shoulder. Joyce, the fur stole draped stylishly over a camel coat she kept for best, was deep in conversation with Pat.

  ‘It actually looks very good on her,’ she told Frances.

  ‘Better than it ever did on me. ’ Frances looked around her. ‘It looks as if the whole village has turned out. ’

  Sarah felt a jolt of anxiety as the pews filled up. Opposite, Erica and her girls, Kate and Laura, were filing in. Dr Rosen was at the far end of the pew. Nearby, Miriam gently rocked Vivian on her lap, flanked by Bryn and David. Jenny, glamorous in a double-breasted red coat and matching lipstick, was nearby accompanied by her mother. Alison and John squeezed in next to Pat. Spencer and Claire arrived next. Near the back of the church, Sarah spotted Gwen Talbot on her own and trie
d to catch her eye. Late arrivals Steph and Stan Farrow with Little Stan slid into the pew beside her, shuffling along to make space for the man who farmed the land next to theirs and rarely attended St Mark’s, Jim Morton.

  The organ came to life in a burst of triumphant notes and the congregation rose for the opening hymn, ‘Hark! The Herald Angels Sing’. Sarah watched Adam take his place at the altar. The moment he caught her eye and smiled she felt her fears melt away. Glory to the new-born King!

  ‘Thank you for coming this morning to celebrate the birth of Our Saviour,’ Adam began. ‘A baby wrapped in swaddling clothes lying in a manger. A God-given miracle. Christmas is a time to give thanks, to rejoice, to remind ourselves that in darkness, at moments of despair, Jesus is light everlasting, His love for us constant.

  ‘I give thanks to God for having been safely delivered from a war that continues to be the cause of enormous suffering within our community and beyond. I feel truly fortunate that my life was spared and for the warmth and love you have all extended to me on my return. ’ He found Sarah again, and their eyes met. ‘We are now witnessing sacrifice on an unimaginable scale. So many lives have been lost, and many of those who left to fight return home having sustained terrible injuries. Let us not forget the wounds we cannot see and are yet a source of enormous pain and distress. ’ He gazed at the faces looking up at him. Gwen Talbot’s head was bowed. ‘If there was ever a time to show compassion and understanding to our friends and neighbours, this is surely it. Be kind, and ask God to bring His love and light into the lives of those now in difficulty. ’ He paused, allowing his words to sink in. ‘Now, let us consider those who are less fortunate than ourselves. ’

  *

  Teresa had intended to go to church on Christmas Day. When Sarah said it was to be Adam’s first service since coming home, she was keen to lend her support, even though the baby was due very soon now, and she was beginning to feel as if everything, even simple everyday tasks, required a supreme effort. She and Annie had stayed up late on Christmas Eve and exchanged gifts on the stroke of midnight. Her gift to Annie was a book of Wordsworth’s poetry bound in scarlet and embossed in gold that Teresa had chanced upon in a bookshop in Liverpool years ago. Annie had given her a pair of gold and aquamarine earrings inherited from her grandmother, still in their Garrard box. Afterwards, in bed, Teresa wept silently, thinking of Nick and the Christmas they’d been looking forward to. Just the three of us, he ’d said.

  As she sat at the dressing table on Christmas morning dabbing rouge onto her cheeks, Teresa blinked back more tears. It was pointless to give in to her grief. Nick was gone. Their future life together was gone. There was nothing she could do. Crying only made her feel worse, not better.

  Annie, already dressed, was in the kitchen making a start on lunch. ‘We’ll need to get going if we want a seat,’ Teresa told her. ‘There’s bound to be a good turn-out. ’

  Annie looked up from peeling potatoes. ‘Let me put these in water first. ’

  Teresa went into the hall to put her coat on. As she reached for it, she felt a strange sensation deep inside – not a kick, she had become accustomed to those. She opened her eyes wide. Something was running down her legs. Her waters had broken.

  Panicking, she called to Annie, who rushed from the kitchen.

  ‘What is it? You look as if you’ve seen a ghost. ’

  Teresa struggled to stay calm. She longed for Nick.

  ‘It’s started,’ she said. ‘The baby. ’

  *

  The service at St Mark’s was well under way – as were her contractions – by the time the ambulance arrived for Teresa. She was taken to nearby Seaton Hall, a grand country house now being used as a temporary maternity hospital.

  ‘You’re lucky,’ the chirpy young woman driving the ambulance told her. ‘It’s a lot closer than the main hospital. ’

  Teresa, bracing herself for another contraction, didn’t feel lucky. ‘The baby’s not due for another ten days,’ she said.

  ‘Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that,’ came the woman’s cheerful reply. ‘As far as I can tell, they tend to come when they’re good and ready. ’

  Annie squeezed Teresa’s hand as the ambulance rattled along the narrow country roads. ‘Deep breaths,’ she instructed. ‘Think happy thoughts. ’

  Teresa waited until her contraction subsided before saying, ‘Is that official medical advice?’

  Annie grinned. ‘Let’s put it this way – it won’t do you any harm. ’

  The ambulance swung onto the drive of Seaton Hall and pulled up at the front door where a nurse was waiting with a wheelchair, ready to whisk Teresa inside.

  ‘We’ll soon get you comfortable,’ she told her, steering her with impressive speed along a corridor and onto a ward with only four beds, none currently occupied. Another painful contraction struck and she gasped.

  ‘All right,’ the nurse said, ‘let’s get you into bed and take a look. Looks as if you’re having a Christmas baby. ’

  She turned to Annie. ‘You’ll have to wait outside, I’m afraid. ’

  *

  As Alison and John were leaving St Mark’s, Martha Dawson came out of the Black Horse and hurried over to them. She had seen an ambulance arrive at Teresa’s earlier, she said.

  ‘I know you’re friends,’ she told Alison, ‘and I thought you’d want to know. ’

  Alison glanced at John, her eyes wide. The baby must be on its way. ‘Thank you,’ she said.

  Mrs Dawson nodded. ‘And a Happy Christmas to both of you,’ she added awkwardly, glancing between Alison and John.

  John smiled graciously. ‘And to you. ’

  *

  After the service, once everyone had left, Adam and Sarah sat quietly for a few moments in the front pew. He reached for her hand.

  ‘Thank you,’ he said.

  ‘For what?’

  ‘Everything. For being my wife. For being you. ’ He bent and kissed her hand.

  ‘I’m only me because of you,’ she said.

  Adam smiled. He gazed at the plinth where the final advent candle, lit that morning, was burning, the Christ candle, a symbol of light. Swathes of gleaming holly and heavy clusters of ruby berries held together with ornate ties adorned the front of the altar. ‘It almost looks as if Mrs Cameron has taken a cloth to the greenery and given it a polish,’ he said.

  ‘I wouldn’t be surprised,’ Sarah said. ‘She wanted everything to be perfect. I did offer to lend a hand with the decorations, but she was quite insistent that she needed her most experienced flower arrangers. There’s rather more to it than meets the eye, apparently. ’

  Adam nodded. ‘The same can be said of most things. ’

  *

  Alison arrived at the hospital to find Annie pacing up and down in the visitors’ room.

  ‘How is she?’ she asked.

  Annie looked a little frantic. ‘She’s about to have the baby. Now. ’ She kept walking. ‘They wouldn’t allow me to stay with her. ’

  ‘I’m sure she’s in good hands,’ Alison said, steering her towards a chair. ‘Now, sit down before you wear a hole in the linoleum. ’

  Annie shook her head. ‘But I promised I’d be with her, and I can’t do a thing. ’

  ‘There’ll be plenty for you to do soon enough. ’

  They sat in silence for a moment. Annie was jittery, barely able to stay in her seat. She glanced sideways at Alison.

  ‘I never wanted to push you out, you know,’ she said eventually. ‘And I would never take advantage of Teresa or anything like that. She knows her own mind and she’s stronger than you might imagine, even now. ’ She hesitated. ‘We make a good team. I know her, better than most, and I care very deeply for her. I can see how devastated she is about Nick – so am I – and at the same time I see the colossal effort Teresa’s making to keep going. She’s about to have a child, she can’t just give up. I want to do everything I can to help, Alison – to prop her up
when she needs it and help her to mend. What Teresa felt for Nick, what she still feels, will never change, whatever happens in the future. My being here makes no difference to the love she has for him. I just want to be at her side through all this. I want to be there for the baby, too. Nick was a great friend to me, and it will mean a lot to be there for the child of two of the people I love most in all the world. ’ She glanced at Alison. ‘And I know you want to be there for Teresa, too. I can see how fond Teresa is of you. Not everyone would have been so understanding about . . . everything. ’

  Alison nodded, grateful. She felt bad for being so wary of Annie initially, for fearing that Teresa was too fragile to plunge into another relationship so soon after losing Nick. But she could see, too, how much Annie cared for her, and that what Teresa felt for Annie was something strong. She knew from her own experience that it was possible to love the living and be true to the dead; her feelings for John did not make the bond she and George shared any less strong. And who was she to judge Teresa’s decisions when she loathed the idea of coming under scrutiny for having fallen in love with John? Whatever happened, she did not want to lose Teresa. She valued her too much for that.

  ‘I do want her to be happy, you know,’ Alison said. ‘And I can see how close the two of you are. Just – take care of her, won’t you?’

  Annie looked solemn. ‘Of course, I will. ’

  *

  Teresa had taken on board all that Dr Rosen had told her about childbirth being a natural process. She knew it was painful – she ’d heard enough stories – but nothing had prepared her for how excruciating it truly was. Teresa had derived comfort from what the doctor said about her being fit and relatively young, and had persuaded herself she would cope well with the actual birth. When Dr Rosen assured her there was no reason to be unduly concerned, Teresa had believed her.

  But that was before she ’d lost Nick, of course, when she ’d been introduced to an entirely new level of pain. It had been a knife through her heart. She had not believed she would survive.