Leaving Me Behind

by Sigal Ehrlich

  And with one single comment, she makes me want to end the call. “They actually do; the best I’ve ever had.” I don’t let her lead me in the direction she’s clearly aiming toward.

  “Mmmhmm.” Flat and annoying. “So, what have you been up to since our last call? Are you ready to come back?”

  Calling for my patience to stay intact, I take a deep breath and answer. “Traveling. I’ve been to Barcelona recently. It’s so relaxed and beautiful, Mom. You’d love the architecture.” I continue telling her about less than meaningful things, making sure to keep whatever is important to me off topic. Making sure she won’t be able to ruin it for me somehow from afar. I’m too caught up in trying to force this conversation to stay away from an argument that I miss Sebastian coming in.

  I’m a second too late to signal that I’m on a call, a second too late to prevent him from twirling me in my seat and planting a keen kiss on my lips. When he breaks off the kiss and tells me, “Hola, you,” his eyes meet the screen. Or better yet, meet my mom’s wide eyes, and none less wide, open mouth.

  “Mom,” I clear my throat. “This is Sebastian.”

  Sebastian grins at the monitor. “Nice to meet you, Mrs. Bliss.”

  “And you are?” My mom’s baffled expression doesn’t waver.

  “Your daughter’s boyfriend,” Sebastian answers and drops his hands to rest on my shoulders. “I see where Liv gets her stunning beauty from,” he says.

  I think he just deliberately enhanced his accent. I move my face from the screen and mimic shoving a finger down my throat, making Sebastian smirk. I make a quick assessment of the situation and come to the conclusion, why not, he’s a big boy, he can handle her. Anyhow, he should be punished for that last cheesy comment.

  “I’m going to check on dinner,” I say and quickly disappear toward the kitchen. Sebastian doesn’t seem bothered as he takes my place in utter nonchalance, facing the monitor.

  I shrug on oven mitts and bend to retrieve the duck dish. As I set the fragrant roast on the kitchen counter, I freeze and my entire face scrunches. The hell?

  There’s a light giggle coming from the living room. The sound is new to me. Wow, is this how my mom sounds giggling? He made her giggle?

  My mom expresses herself in so many varied and polished ways. She frowns, grimaces, scowls, glares, admonishes, and snaps. Oh and her signature expression, the one she reserves mostly for me, scrutinizes. Giggling is definitely not a part of the Jane Bliss repertoire.

  “Oh, Sebastian.” And another coy laugh.

  I shake my head. He made her “Oh, Sebastian” him? Really? I let the swooning linger for a few moments more before I head to rescue the swooner from the swooneree.

  “It was a delight talking to you, Jane.”

  Yes, he’s definitely working extra Spanish drawl to his accent. The player.

  “Likewise, Sebastian,” my mom almost sings.

  “I’ll take a quick shower,” Sebastian says low and grabs a hunk of my rear, which is not visible to his new fan.

  On cue, as soon as Sebastian leaves the room, my mom’s face quickly shifts back to her usual displeased expression. She eyes me for an additional moment before conceitedly asking, “I guess he knows you’re sitting pretty?”

  “Pardon?” I can’t even begin to hide my surprise.

  “He is twenty-eight, Liv, and such a handsome young man.”

  “No, you did not just suggest he is with me for my money.” My jaw drops, and I’m reeling in ire and bewilderment.

  She straightens her poise and scrutinizes me for another stretched, silent moment.

  Unbelievable. Even from a thousand miles away, she makes me feel self-conscious and doubt myself. My mom is the master of nonverbal communication. She can make me feel like shit with nothing but a tiny twitch of her lips.

  “Liv, honey, what are you doing to yourself?” She lightly shakes her head in clear disappointment and sighs. “Maybe you should just pack your things and return home. If you’re having an early mid-life crisis, there are specialists to help with that. You don’t need to take a younger man to make you feel beautiful again.” I’m too flabbergasted to even comment. “Liv, this young man is the poster guy for lipstick on a collar. What are you doing with him?”

  “Mom.” I hold my hand up. “You know what? Just stop. I don’t want to listen anymore, unless you have something positive to say to me. Thank you, but I’m not interested in your opinions.”

  She twists her mouth again.

  “Darling, this guy will never have a future with you. Stop wasting your time on dreams. Just come back home and stop playing.”

  “Have a lovely day, Mom, I’m going to have dinner now.” I don’t wait for her response and press end. I’m so riled up that just the mere thought of food makes my stomach turn. I bury my face in my shaky hands and try to calm down my exasperation, and in the same breath, push away the little doubts she’s masterfully seeded in me.

  I raise my eyes to the sound of Sebastian’s steps, hoping with all my heart that he didn’t hear any part of my conversation with mommy dearest. I meet his eyes with my cheeks still held in my palms. He walks my way, toweling his wet hair, wearing faded jeans with the first two buttons undone. “You okay?” he asks, gazing at me.

  “How do you feel about marriage?” The moment the words leave my lips, I regret them. I have no business asking him that. What’s wrong with me?

  “Are you proposing?” he asks with a smirk. When I don’t return the humored gesture, his features recompose. “I don’t think about it much, to be honest. I don’t think it’s something I see myself doing in the near future, obviously not after what happened to Lola and me. It’s not something I’d jump too quickly into. Not unless I was a hundred percent sure and ready.”

  I love and hate his answer at the same time. It’s sincere, candid, not bullshit coated. I hate it because it, in a way, validates what my mom has just sowed with utter malice.

  He takes a step forward and holds my cheek in his palm. I lean into his hand. “Liv?” Low and concerned.

  “She has a tendency to mess with my head. You go ahead and eat; I’ll take a short walk to clear my mind and then join you.”

  Sebastian nods, but instead of heading toward the kitchen, he turns to grab a shirt of his left on one of the chairs and shrugs it on. He sends me his hand. “Let’s go for a walk together.” The fact that he doesn’t just run away from my crazy but wants to help me get through it touches me.

  We walk by the water in silence; Sebastian’s arm embracing my shoulder, and mine tucked in his back pocket. I take a lungful of the evening salty breeze, closing my eyes for a brief moment.

  I turn to Sebastian. “Thank you.”

  He ducks to press a kiss to my temple and we continue our stroll till the only thing I can think of is how I need him to make love to me and make everything go away.

  Chapter 25

  “Who Says You Can't Go Home”

  Bon Jovi

  “You make me happy,” I tell Sebastian, a little heady from wine and a greater part heady from him.

  “I’m glad.” He pulls me closer. “I can’t wait to make you even happier, smile from within.”

  We both break into laughter at the cheesy innuendo.

  “Now say it again, only add mi amor at the end for some extra corniness.”

  “Are you making fun of me?”

  “Well, yeah . . .”

  Sebastian swats my rear and twirls me by my hand to collide with his chest. He lifts me some for our mouths to connect. I melt into the kiss, thinking how great the past week has been and how the last thing I want is for him to leave now.

  As though reading my mind, Sebastian says, “I wish I didn’t have to go now. But I really need to get everything done before the meeting tomorrow.”

  He walks me home after our night out. I burrow under his arm, pressing my cheek against his shirt, loving the feel of the warmth of his skin through the crisp fabric. Throughout the week, we’ve been
spending every free moment together. Right after I managed to exorcise the last remnants of poison my beloved mother managed to infuse in a short call. Not willing to allow any of it to resurface and mess with my head any longer than it has, I shake my thoughts off.

  “You expecting anyone?” Sebastian asks, the hint of edginess in his voice summons my stare to arrow his way and then to the door.

  “Oh, my God!” My perplexity softens my voice, weakening it into a meek whisper. Not giving it much thought, I let go of Sebastian’s hold and speed right into Kai’s arms.

  “Well, someone missed me,” Kai’s familiar husky voice sounds so sweet in present. I inch on my tiptoes and give him a noisy smooch.

  “What are you doing here?”

  We both turn to Sebastian’s heavy steps on the stairs. I beam at him in complete joy. He nods at Kai.

  Kai mirrors Sebastian’s gesture and says in a clear voice, “You were whining about missing me so I came for a visit.” I can’t help wincing at the way both men size each other up. I swear their chests inflate a size.

  I take a step back to stand next to Sebastian. “Sebastian, this is my Kai.” I wince again, this time at the ticking of Sebastian’s jaw.

  Kai holds his hand out, eyeing Sebastian with an air I’m not sure I’m the biggest fan of. “You must the new friend.”

  “Boyfriend,” Sebastian reciprocates curtly. From where I’m standing, the gripping and shaking of the hands thing between them looks more like arm-wrestling than an innocent gesture of greeting. They are so absorbed in their stare down that for a whole beat I feel like they’ve forgotten I even exist.

  “Should I get a ruler?” I ask, annoyed and to a degree astounded by the immature absurdity on display.

  “You’ll need an industrial size in my case,” Kai says in his trademark cockiness.

  “Then I guess you’ll be able to share.”

  A brief grin touches Sebastian’s lips at my retort. Unfortunately, it disappears just as quickly as it came.

  I hand Kai my key and say, “Kai, can you give us a moment?”

  He sends us a glance, his mouth set in a smirk, and turns to unlock my door.

  “Hey.” I wrap my arms around Sebastian’s waist. Sebastian dips his chin to gaze at me. “So, I’ll see you tomorrow?”

  The tick of the jaw returns. “You kicking me out?” It’s the first time he says these words with zero humor. It’s the first time they make me cringe.

  “Of course, not.” I tip my face back, looking at him in query. “You said you had to go home to finish . . .”

  “I’ll do that later,” he cuts me off before I’m able to finish my sentence and steps inside the house.

  Fine, then.

  “Scarlet, where should I put my shiz?” Kai asks as soon as we get inside.

  “In the bedroom. Want something to drink?”

  “Beer,” Kai calls as he makes his way toward my bedroom.

  “Where is he sleeping?” Sebastian asks briskly, following me to the kitchen.

  “On the sofa.”

  “The hell he is.”

  An answer that makes me turn his way with a start and a sprinkle of annoyance.

  “Please tell me you’re kidding.”

  “Do I look like I’m kidding?”

  No, he doesn’t look like he is kidding. And it’s not amusing me in the least bit. I take a deep breath that does nothing to stop my growing impatience. “Let me get this straight. My best friend traveled halfway across the globe to visit me, and I should ask him to find a place for the night?”

  Sebastian’s eyes narrow, and I can clearly see the wheels in his brain working. “He can stay here; you’ll come sleep at my place.”

  “Oh, for the love of God. Sebastian, don’t you trust me?”

  “You, I trust. Him . . .”

  “So that should be enough. Though, believe me, Kai is more than trustworthy, especially when it comes to me. He is the big brother I never had.”

  Sebastian throws his eyes to the ceiling and I need to kill the urge to growl. Finally, after having a drink with us and seeing that Kai is not as bad as he seems, I manage to persuade Sebastian to go home. It’s not that I don’t want him to get to know Kai better. I actually wouldn’t mind having him by my side all the time, but he does have a long night ahead of him.

  “Why were you being a jerk?” I ask Kai once Sebastian leaves and we turn to sit on the porch. I’m snuggled under a knitted, wool blanket, my legs on Kai’s thighs.

  He shrugs. “So you’ve passed the no-strings-attached phase, uh?”

  “Long ago,” I say, rather dreamingly. “How long are you staying?”

  “Tomorrow evening.”

  My calm smile melts.

  “I took this job in Madrid, a quickie, so I could visit you. Right after, I’m heading back home. Funny, it’s the first time I really miss home.”

  I gaze at Kai. His features take a serious tone. “I spoke to this friend of mine, the photographer I covered for with the nature gig. His son was born a week ago.” Kai drops his elbows to his knees and cocks his head my way. “He sounded so peaceful and content.”

  I nod.

  “He made me think.”

  “What are you saying?” I say in a soft voice.

  “Dunno. It made me think about life in general, nearing forty, my lifestyle.”

  “I spoke to my parents last week. My mom made me think about that too, in her own special way. She basically asked why I am still wasting my life.” Gentle smiles touch our lips, but they are not of the animated variety, but of the scornful realm.

  “Liv, I’m willing to give us a try.”

  My eyes rip open and I study Kai carefully under the dimness of the night.

  “I mean, our pact. If there’s anyone I’d consider sharing a life with . . . it’s you.”

  I find it hard to bring my lips to close.

  “Kai, what are you doing? Why? Why now?”

  He pushes a breath out of his lips. “Do you see yourself staying here? There aren’t many months left to renew your lease. I guess you have some sort of an idea what’s next, no?”

  I shake my head. “No, I don’t. I love it here, but I don’t know.”

  “What about him?”

  “We are together.”

  “Did he ask you to stay?”

  His question is like a blow to my stomach. “Not in a direct way, no. He didn’t ask me to stay for him. He told me that I should stay a while ago, but there was no promise along that line.”

  Kai scoots over closer, and his fingers caress my cheek. “I’m not just saying this, Liv. I’d really like to give us a try. You don’t have to answer right away. Just think about it. When you come back home, we could see how things go.”

  “Wow, Kai,” I whisper under my breath.

  “Okay, now that I’ve successfully managed to mess with your head, love of mine, let’s go for a walk.”

  By the time we return from our late-night stroll, it’s almost midnight. A couple of hours have passed in which we told each other about the past months we were apart. Miraculously, or not, we managed to brush off the bomb Kai dropped earlier and quickly got back to being us.

  I pile up a pillow, blanket, and a towel in my hands and head toward the living room, to make the sofa for Kai. As I round the corridor, I collide with Kai who’s on his way to the bathroom. I let out a screeching yelp and lose my balance only for Kai’s nimble hands to stabilize me. We stand facing each other, the pile of fabric huddled against my chest and Kai’s hands holding my forearms.

  “Phew, that was a close one.” I grin at him.

  Kai’s crooked smile sparks at me and immediately fades away. Before I register what’s happening, Kai’s face slowly nears mine, near enough for his lips to cover my stunned mouth. For the briefest instant, I let myself get caught up in the moment, maybe as a tribute to my younger self who had the hugest crush on him, but the moment my eyes flutter close, all I can see is Sebastian’s face.

 
It feels like a bucket of cold water poured over me once I make sense of what just happened. I push Kai’s chest back, the pile in my hands dropping to the floor between us.

  “Kai!” My voice is an angry scold. “What are you doing?”

  He stares at me, seeming as confused as I am.

  “That was such a dick thing to do. I’m in a relationship. Kai, I love him.” I wince, utterly dazed by the words that have just left my mouth.

  “Wow, I didn’t think it was that serious.” Neither did I, Kai. He leans back against the wall and drops his head back. “I’m sorry, Liv. I don’t know what came over me.”

  I huff and bend down to pick the mess up from the floor. Kai follows my steps as I walk toward the living room. I drop the linen on the sofa and turn to him.

  “I’m going to chalk this one up to our list of idiotic mistakes and let it slip for the sake of how important you are to me. I care about you a ton, and nothing will change that, even if you act like an ass.”

  A smile crawls up his lips. A smile that makes my own lips mimic it.

  “This never happened.”

  “This never happened,” he repeats.

  “Now,” I inch up on my feet and press a quick kiss on his cheek, “I’m going to Sebastian’s. I’ll be back for breakfast. You can just sleep in my bed. Good night.”

  “I adore you,” he calls after me as I close the door behind me.

  . . .

  I knock on Sebastian’s door again, waiting. A few minute pass till I hear the sound of a lock turning. The door is opened to a groggy Sebastian, who looks at me with one eye slightly winked, squinting due to the light coming from the landing behind me. He observes me, fisting a bed sheet wrapped around his waist.

  “I’m not here because you acted like a caveman earlier. I’m here because I want to be here.”

  Sebastian’s arm reaches to curl around my waist and pulls me to him. His mouth crashes to mine and the sheet drops from around his waist. He lifts me by my thighs to straddle him. Wordlessly, he turns us toward the hall and kick shuts the door.