Sex in Numbers (S.I.N. Rock Star #1)

by S. R. Watson

  I will not stand to be mocked. I don’t give her an explanation. She needs to figure it out. This is not some pretend world that I live in. I’m not exactly proud of my urges to control women by unconventional means—the need to bring them to the brink of suffocation or death as a way to exert my power. The feel is unparalleled by anything else. I have other urges that are prominent in my kink repertoire, but breath play is definitely my strongest itch. Regardless of my desire for her, I will not allow Lourdes to make light of what I’ve chosen to share with her. It’s not for everyone and I understand that. I would never push. However, if we’re not in the same mindset or seriousness of what we partake in, I will end it. I saw the joke in her eyes. Last night her submission was something to see—beautiful. Today, I’m at a loss. I see her attempts to pacify me, say what’s needed to get what she wants. I will not allow this to be a game, and I damn sure will not allow her to top.

  I walk over and turn the shower on. Let her bathe on her own and then we’re out of here. I’m done. I pretend not to notice as she steps out of the tub. Worry is all over her face. She can’t hide shit. I can tell she realizes her mistake. The submissive in her doesn’t like that she’s made me upset.

  She comes to the shower and stands on the outside for a second. Seeing her so unsure, but making the effort anyway, diffuses my frustration. Maybe I am being too hard on her. I can’t expect her to acclimate and adjust to my needs in a day. I will give her chance to show me this is what she wants—that this is not just some sick joke to her. Lourdes steps into the shower with me, and no words are exchanged. She drops to her knees, ready to deliver her apologies directly to my cock. With the first timid lick, she is forgiven, but I’m inclined to let her show me just how sorry she is.

  “Good girl,” I say praisingly, to encourage her. This rebuilds her confidence. She strokes me with one hand as she gives her undivided attention to the head. Her warm tongue licks the vein runs underneath my dick and it makes my toes curl. “Shit, baby.”

  “Mhmm,” she moans around my dick. The vibrations have me putting my hand against the travertine for support. She takes me deep and I love that her gag reflex is almost nonexistent. She bobs up and down in slow, excruciatingly pleasurable licks. I feel the build up at the base of my balls. I can’t come yet. I need to fuck her. In an instant, I take my dick out of her mouth and pull her up. I push her against the shower wall. “Grrrrrr. Fucking hold on.”

  I slide into her and immediately begin to thrust into her roughly. My control has snapped. I wrap my hands around her hair and pull, as I slam into her over and over. She pushes her ass out toward me for more and it ignites my frenzied pace. My balls slapping against her ass, echoes over the sound of the shower. I’m not going to last. Her pussy is too good and I’ve denied myself this too long. Rough sex is my other kink, but I wanted to build up to it. Too late. I use my other hand to finger her. I need her to catch up. The slickness that coats my fingers tells me that she is already there. I bite her shoulder as the most intense orgasm rips through me. She clenches around my dick, prolonging it even more. It’s not until I’ve totally emptied myself into her that I realize my mistake. “Fucccccccccck,” I groan and not in a pleasant tone. She can tell. Her own realizations are apparent.

  “Condom. You didn’t wear a condom.” She is having her own mini break down. I slide out of her and some of my cum drips down her leg. “I don’t have unprotected sex.” The worry is back—etched deep within crinkles in her forehead.

  “Relax. This is a fucking first for me to. I’m not going to give you anything. Are you on the pill?” The harshness in my tone has bite. It’s not her fault. It’s mine.

  I’m upset because I pride myself on not only the control I exert, but being in control. I’ve already taken so many liberties with her—relaxed my rules. And now this.

  “No,” she answers. There is more to consider than just an STD here. She opens one of the soaps in the shower enclave and begins to scrub herself furiously.

  “Damn it.” I knew the answer to that question before I asked it. I’m quite sure she wasn’t getting dick regularly before she met me, if her earlier clothing choice was anything to go by. “I don’t fuck around without protection, Lourdes. So that is one less thing to worry about. Finish your shower and we’ll see about getting you that Plan B thing on the way back,” I say more calmly. I step in next to her and use the soap she just sat down to wash my dick. Good enough. I get out and towel myself dry. Although there were highlights, I wouldn’t call our attempt at this a success.

  I feel myself changing for her, and I don’t like it. She gets underneath my skin like no other. I give her consideration that nobody else gets—I bend rules for her. The last woman that was able to get this close to me broke me. Melissa introduced me to all of this. She was an experienced sub, who knew what she wanted. She saw dominant traits in me and got me into shit I didn’t know existed or that I would grow to love.

  Melissa gave me an outlet for my need for control, and then she left me. She made me love her, and then she walked away when she grew bored. I wasn’t hardcore enough for her. She wanted more than I could give or wanted to experiment with. After she left, I hated this side of myself: the demons that needed this type of sex for true gratification. I’m able to suppress my urges, for the most part, mainly because I don’t find many women worthy of the effort. This lifestyle is not something you can venture into casually or lightly. Most women I meet are only my fuck for the night or at best, three times. Not enough time to establish a real connection for what I need. There have been some that I have shared the lightest of my kink with, just to subdue built up urges, but nothing like what I shared with Lourdes last night or just now.

  I lost control with her. She didn’t seem to mind the rough sex, but it still doesn’t sit right with me. I can barely look at her. To make matters worse, I lost my temper. I can’t let her be another Melissa. I need to gain some perspective and regain control, or I will have to distance myself from her. For now though, I have to fix this. I can’t let her leave her thinking she did something wrong or that I’m angry with her.

  “Look, Lourdes. I’m sorry. I’m upset with myself, not you. I lost control.” I leave it at that. I won’t tell her about Melissa or why my need for control is so important.

  “It will be fine. We’ll get the Plan B. You say you haven’t had unprotected sex and neither have I, so we should be safe. Don’t beat yourself up about it. If it’s of any consequence, I’m not mad.”

  “Good. I don’t want us to part on a sour note. I appreciate last night—your trust and submission. It’s been a long time since I’ve indulged.” I chuckle because that sounded like some goddamn admission in an anonymous meeting or something.

  “What’s funny?” she asks, as she turns the shower off. I hand her a towel. It doesn’t escape my notice that she is just a little more comfortable with her nudity than when we first came in here. She grabs the towel and wraps it around herself before stepping out of the shower. Okay, so maybe not totally comfortable. Baby steps.

  “Never mind. I’ll leave you to it, so we can check out.” I smile. I’m still quite pissed with myself, but the responsible thing to do is not to let her see. Not after what she has given. I smile so her submissive nature can relax. I bring her small overnight bag into the bathroom so she can change. I leave out to give her the privacy she won’t ask for. As I change in the bedroom, I look around the room. This is our second visit to this hotel. I question whether there will be another.

  It’s a beautiful Sunday afternoon, and I’m heading to the lake house to see Xander. That’s the cover story anyway. I really want to see Diesel. Brooke’s mother delivered her Honda Accord to her and took a flight back earlier this week. She has been gracious enough to let me use it. I kept the details minimal about my night with Diesel and she didn’t push. She did raise her eyebrow when I said I wanted to go see Xander. I’m not fooling her. She declined coming along. She said Mike was picking her up for a real date
. Good for her. He must have been more impressive than she let on. It seems we both might be hiding a few things.

  Honestly, I just need to reestablish my connection with Diesel. He called on Thursday to see how I was doing, but that was it. I know he went down to Atlanta to celebrate their new record deal. I’d be lying if I say I wasn’t just the tad bit jealous. Did he fuck somebody else this weekend? He said he wouldn’t. That our arrangement was exclusive, but at this point, do we still have an arrangement? I don’t want to come off as clingy, but I need reassurance that nothing has changed. I need to feel him out. How will he act when he sees me? I guess I’m going to find out because I’m pulling into the driveway now.

  “Lourdes? How did you get here?” Xander says when I walk into the living room. Shock registers on Diesel’s face as he turns to look at me from the couch. He has his feet propped up, looking at football.

  “Brooke has her car now, so I drove,” I reply. “Sorry. The door was unlocked so I let myself in.”

  “Oh, hush. This is your second home. I do wish you would have called though,” he says. “Lily is in town for a week. I was heading to pick her up from the airport and we were going grab a bite before I brought her back here to meet the guys. Well, they’re out right now except for Diesel. You can come with me if you want. I do want you to meet her.”

  “No worries. Don’t change your plans. I’m not going to be a third wheel. You guys need the alone time. I’ll be here when you get back. I want to meet her too,” I assure him.

  “Are you sure?” He looks doubtful.

  “Yes. This is my second home remember? Go. I’ll be here.”

  “Well, in that case, see you in a few hours.” He hugs me and waves by to Diesel, who hasn’t said a word. Once Xander is out the door, I go over and sit next to him.

  “Hi,” I say as I smile at him. He looks over at me and smiles back.

  “Hello, Lourdes.” He grabs the remote next to him and starts to scroll through the guide. “I guess it’s just me and you, huh?”

  “I guess so.” I watch as he stops on a recording of Elementary. “You didn’t have to turn it off your football.”

  “Meh. It’s just something to watch. My Cowboys aren’t playing today, so it’s no big deal.”

  “Well. okay then.” It has been a while since I had a chance to just veg out and watch my shows.

  “Have you seen this episode?” he asks, as he highlights the oldest recording.

  “No. Looks like I’ve missed a lot,” I laugh.

  “Well, we do have the afternoon,” he grins. He lies down and stretches out on the sofa. He pats a spot next to him that he has made. I don’t know how to react. He wants me to lay with him. This is yet another layer of Diesel. This is not my “let’s fuck and have an arrangement” guy. Unless this leading to that—like “Elementary and Chill” coined from “Netflix and Chill.” I laugh.

  “What’s funny, woman? Get over here.” He motions again for me to join him. I’ll play along. I lie down next to him, and he pulls me closer into his arms. I melt into him, but something is off. I can’t put my finger on it. Maybe I’m just being pessimistic, but his explanation of the type of relationship we would have left no room for doubt. He was clear and this is not it. Maybe since we’ve shared our first scene as he called it, he has had change of heart, and this is the only way he knows to show it.

  It feels good to be cuddled in his arms, to feel wanted. I didn’t expect to feel this way. I can admit to myself that I’m starting to let him into my heart and that frightens the shit out of me. Nobody has gotten this far with me. I know his reputation and the fame that is coming his way, yet my heart wants him. When the fuck did that happen? I can’t share these feelings with him though. No, I think he’d run. Hopefully, this is indication that he is starting to have feelings for me too. I just have to let him process it his own way and be at peace with it. I snuggle into him more, dizzy on his scent. He is wearing some cologne that is so hypnotic. This is new.

  “How was the celebration with the label?” He pulls me closer and kisses me on the forehead. What the hell is he trying to do to me? His dom side gets me worked up, but this new expression of tenderness is really getting to me.

  “It was—” I cut him off with my lips on his. He pauses at first in surprise before he kisses me back. And oh man, does he kiss me back. He flips me, so that I’m now laying on top him and he can palm my ass. Even though I’m wearing my usual jeans and t-shirt, I can feel the hardness of his cock through his gym shorts.

  Diesel deepens the kiss and I rub myself against his hardness—so desperate for the dom to take over, so he can give me what he knows I want. He’s not making an appearance so I force myself to be brave,

  “Fuck me, Diesel. Please, Sir.” He stops kissing me and sits up. His brows creases. I’m afraid that I’ve done something wrong again. I try to hold on, but he moves my hands. Maybe he felt like I was making a mockery of our D/s relationship again. Shit, I don’t know, but whatever I said or did, it’s like I doused a bucket of cold water on him.

  “Look. Umm. I have to go. Sorry, Lourdes.”

  “Don’t run. Don’t you dare fucking run! You tell me right now what I did or this is fucking over. Do you hear me? I can’t keep doing your hot and cold bullshit.” My feelings are hurt. He gave me a sample of something special, and now he is yanking it from under me.

  “You didn’t do anything okay. Just please give me some time. Nothing’s changed. I promise. Don’t be upset. I have to leave for a bit, but I’ll be back. We’re okay. I’m not running. I just need some time to figure some things out.” He says all of that in a rush. He is running, but he has asked me to be patient in a round about way. I knew all of this was out of character for him, so I give him the time he needs to process his feelings.

  It’s okay to be scared. I think we’re unintentionally changing each other—changing our views on what we thought we wanted. I won’t be that girl: the one that has to have all the answers right now. I will give him the time he needs, within the reason.

  “Okay. We’ll talk later.”

  “Sure.” He plants a quick kiss on my forehead and then he is gone. I don’t know what is happening between us, but one thing is for sure; it is more than we both bargained for or planned. I lie on the sofa and continue watching Elementary in a haze. I don’t even know when I drifted off to sleep.

  “Lourdes. Wake up. I want you to meet Lily,” Xander says, shaking me. It takes me a moment to orient myself. I rub the sleep from my eyes to find a raven-haired beauty; with prettiest green eyes I’ve ever seen, staring down at me. I sit up to completely take her in. She’s gorgeous.

  “Hello,” I say, extending my hand to her. “Nice to meet you. My brother has told me so much about you.”

  “All good things, I hope.” She smiles and she has dimples. She is just to perfect. She’s wearing a simple sundress and has a cute bob haircut. I’m getting good vibes from her and a sense of genuineness.

  “Yes. All good things. How was your flight?” Lily tells me about her layovers and how excited she is to finally get here. Brooke has to meet her. She is just too adorable. Great first impression.

  I’m happy for Xander. Kind of jealous at the same time, I guess. He gets to have a normal relationship—one he doesn’t have to hide.

  “Oh, is that Elementary?” she asks excitedly. “I love that show.” Yup, definitely a keeper.

  “Yeah me, too. I think in the end it was watching me, though,” I joke.

  “I would say so. You were knocked out when we came in,” Xander agrees.

  “Well, the house got a little quiet with everyone gone,” I say. I got bored.

  “Uh, no. Diesel is here. His bike is parked out front. He must be upstairs in his room.” Xander looks toward the stairs. “He has taken the room back that you were using.”

  “I would think so. It was his room first,” I say in a matter of fact manner. I wonder if he is actually here. If he is, I can’t believe he came back and di
dn’t tell me. Is he avoiding me?

  “It’s dark out now, but I still want to show Lily the deck and the lake. The path is lit so it’ll be nice. We be right back in,” Xander announces, successfully interrupting my thoughts.

  “Okay. You two go ahead.” Xander grabs her hand and leads her out the door. They’re barely out the door before I take the stairs, two at a time. I need to know if Diesel is really here. When I reach the top of the stairs, the arguing on the other side of the cracked bedroom door confirms that he is.

  “What the fuck, Sevyn?” he questions. Who is Sevyn? At first I think someone is in the room with him until I see him pass the door with his cell phone attached to his ear. Unfortunately, he sees me too, so I’ve been busted trying to eavesdrop. That wasn’t my original intent, but I’m sure that is not the way it looks. “I’ll have to call you back.” He hangs up the phone and then comes to the doors and opens it wider.

  “You can come in, Lourdes,” he says, as he gestures for me to come in.

  “I didn’t mean to interrupt your conversation. I promise I wasn’t eavesdropping,” I explain.

  “Okay. Are you going to come in?” I continue standing in the doorway for a few seconds before I finally accept his invite.

  “How long have you been back? Why didn’t you wake me?” I fire in rapid succession. I know Xander may not be outside long, and I don’t want to be caught up here when he gets back.

  “You looked like you were really tired, so I didn’t want to disturb you,” he says in way of explanation. I’m about to see if he is ready to talk about earlier, but then his phone rings in his hand. He looks down to see who’s calling before answering.

  “Hello, Desiree. How’s it going?” His face brightens and puts a finger up as a motion to hold that thought. He walks away toward the bedroom window to continue their conversation.