by Ava Reilly
I didn’t call him. I was emotionally exhausted and as soon as I got home I crashed, doing my best to put him out of my mind.
The following morning when I woke up the first thing I did was listen to music to block out my thoughts. I put my iPhone on shuffle and told myself that the next song was going to explain how I felt about the situation with Hugh; that song turned out to be ‘Chains’ by Tina Arena. I will never forget the memories that this song holds for me; the lyrics express every thought from that time in my life.
I called Hugh on my way to work and he convinced me to meet with him at his beachside apartment that Friday night after he flew into town for meetings. I was apprehensive; I knew that I was considering doing something morally repugnant but even at the sound of his voice I found myself becoming instantly submissive. I kept asking myself what it was that I really wanted and if I was strong enough to endure what would surely be a bumpy road . . . but I always came up blank.
I had agreed to meet him, but only if I brought a friend with me. My biggest fear at that point felt as though it was close to coming true. Despite all of the abuse I had endured in my early childhood I had maintained the only innocence that I could; I was still a virgin, and the idea of sleeping with Hugh left me wondering what the consequences would be for my emotional wellbeing.
After a hectic Friday morning filled with meetings and conference calls, none of which I could concentrate on, I grabbed my bags and made my way to the offices where my friend Leah worked. I had confided in her about everything that had happened between Hugh and me, and she agreed to come with me to make sure I didn’t do anything I would end up regretting. That night as we drove out of the city to meet him at his apartment he constantly texted me to confirm we were coming. I could tell he was nervous, but he couldn’t have been more nervous than I was.
My heart was racing as we drove along the coast. I knew from the moment I had agreed to meet him that I would end up staying the night with him, but even as we arrived I wasn’t sure it was what I really wanted. I wanted to turn back and run away from whatever I was about to face but I knew it was too late.
We pulled into the driveway and I saw him waiting. I swallowed hard as he opened the car door, and I didn’t dare to look at him as I stepped out in my newly acquired white Swarovski crystal–encrusted stilettos. As my feet hit the ground I knew I had to feign confidence even though my insides were churning. In my head ‘Can’t Hold Us Down’ by Christina Aguilera played, which gave me the extra edge I desperately needed. I was going to ensure that I had an amazing night . . . with or without Hugh.
I let him kiss me on the cheek but wouldn’t let him touch me, afraid that my front would crumble in an instant if I felt even the slightest hint of electricity coursing through my veins. I could feel an icy chill coming from Leah as he hugged her in greeting; I knew she thought he was only after one thing from me.
We walked through the empty foyer and into the elevator before Hugh tried to strike up a conversation. It wasn’t as difficult for me to talk to him this time, but I kept my guard up. I knew I needed to loosen up a little but I also needed to keep a level head, so I planned to limit my alcohol consumption. All the while, amid these sensible thoughts, my heart was screaming out that I wanted him now more than ever. I could feel him next to me and the smell of his seductive cologne made it hard to control myself. He seemed so calm and relaxed now compared to me; it made me wonder how many times he had done this before. I immediately felt sick at the thought and tried to push the images of him with other women to the back of my mind as the elevator doors slid open.
When we walked into the apartment I waltzed straight into the master bedroom and placed my bags on the floor. I turned around to see Hugh looking at me, his eyes begging to speak to me alone, but I grabbed Leah by the arm and went to look around the apartment. As we reached the balcony we walked out to see the beach right in front of us, making us gasp in awe. Right next to the ocean was a buzzing city boasting bright lights and a nightlife that was going off even though it was only 7 p.m.
Hugh joined us on the balcony and offered us a drink. Suddenly I wanted to hit the alcohol hard despite my head telling me not to. Now that I was here, with him, I no longer cared—I was going to get blind drunk and I was going to drive him crazy. Leah and I accepted a vodka and lemonade as we sat down and lit up cigarettes. Hugh returned from the kitchen shortly after with an ashtray and said, ‘I don’t mind you girls smoking but I don’t want you to be smoking all night.’ I gave him a frosty look and he immediately returned it with a hard stare, as if begging me to try him. I knew I couldn’t stare him down for long, but before I broke he backed down and asked where we would like to go for dinner. Neither Leah nor I knew the area well, so Hugh made the decision for us and a little while later we walked downstairs and ended up at an incredible Italian restaurant less than a block from the apartment.
As soon as we walked in, the owner came up to greet Hugh, and we were shown to a table. It was obvious that the staff knew and respected Hugh, and he carried himself through it impressively. He didn’t command the attention, it just came naturally to him.
It didn’t take long for Leah to warm to Hugh’s natural charm, and they began to laugh together. It made things so much easier as we ordered and settled in for an easy, laidback night. I felt like I would finally be able to breathe easily—until a group of women walked in, and one of them marched up to the table and, ignoring Leah and me, addressed Hugh.
‘Hugh? Oh my god, I knew it was you! I said to my friend when I walked in that I thought I could smell your cologne!’ I dropped my fork on the plate with a loud clatter and it almost fell off the table. Hugh didn’t look at me but immediately grabbed my free hand and squeezed it. The tall, leggy brunette in a short white dress with a tan the wrong side of orange said to her friend, ‘I bet you he has a bottle on him right now. Can I have some? I love the smell!’ I tried to pull my hand away but he held on as I felt my anger build.
Hugh produced the offending object and gave it to her without so much as a smile. He looked at me out of the corner of his eye as she began to spray it on herself and her friend, and I was sure he could feel my fury flowing in her direction. He squeezed my hand but I was too pissed off to care. It took everything I had in me to not say something to this woman who was flirting so outrageously.
It was only when he moved his chair closer to me that she realised he did not want to talk to her. She continued to ignore Leah and me, focusing her attention on him. I tried to yank my hand away from Hugh again as he introduced us but he held on and tightened his grip further. She looked at me in disgust and leaned down to hug him, showing her set of fake assets. I was now well and truly sick of being polite as she threw herself all over him but I knew I really didn’t have the right to say anything.
She made a point of telling him she had broken up with her fiancé and would love to catch up with him again, before laughing aloud as she waltzed off to her table. The only thought running through my head was that they had obviously slept together at some point. Hugh had promised to call her with no enthusiasm but it didn’t ease my frustration.
Leah looked down at her food and Hugh threw me an apologetic smile, clearly sensing that it was best to stay quiet.
After dinner we made our way outside to the car Hugh had arranged to pick us up: a black Hummer. By this point I was well and truly tipsy and lost my footing on the kerb, but fortunately Hugh caught me just before I hit my head on the concrete. I was a nervous wreck and his little friend at the restaurant had only made things worse.
Twenty minutes later we arrived at a nightclub, and as soon as we stepped out of the Hummer I made a point of lighting up a cigarette. I watched as a disappointed look flooded his face but I didn’t care, I took one puff and flicked it into the nearby tray before blowing rings. He knew not to press me on this after what had just happened. I have to admit that at this point the alcohol was lowering my inhibitions a little . . . well, maybe a lot.
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sp; When we walked into the bar—Hugh leading me by the hand while Leah marched on up ahead—we were immediately escorted to the VIP lounge. When I sat down the manager came to greet Hugh, who sat next to me and refused to let go of my hand. I was incredibly confused, about so many things, especially the giant elephant in the room: his wife. I still didn’t know the details of his situation and I was afraid to ask. I found myself wanting to push him away and pull him closer at the same time, which is lethal on its own but throw in alcohol and there was no chance of roping it in and staying in control.
As the manager went downstairs to get us all drinks a group of girls walked up the stairs in tiny dresses, which instantly threw me back to the incident at the restaurant. I could feel the effects of the alcohol taking their toll on me as I felt a sudden rush of irrational jealousy and nervousness infused with confidence, something that was way out of character for me. I leaned over and began to whisper in his ear, making sure I was close enough for only him to hear, but before I got the chance to say a word he pulled back and looked me dead in the eyes as a smile crept across his face and he mouthed one word: ‘Behave.’ This drove me insane—I wasn’t going to jump just because he said to. Ignoring his instruction, I slipped my hand up from his knee, gilding up his thigh, excited about reaching my final destination to drive him as crazy as he was driving me—but before I got the chance he snatched my hand away and looked into my eyes as he kissed my knuckles one by one, then squeezed my hand lightly and placed our entwined hands between us. Just in time, it seemed, because the manager arrived in front of us a minute later and would surely have caught us.
As my drink was placed in front of me I sat silently, not breathing, not moving, but rather knocked for six by his display of controlled intimacy. He could have played along with it, grabbed one of the pillows and let me go to town on him without anyone suspecting a thing, but instead he did the gentlemanly thing and said no. I was blown away; had I found a diamond in the rough?
By the time we made our way out to the car an hour later Leah and Hugh had become instant friends. I put it down to her being absolutely inebriated, but I was just happy that they were finally getting along and I didn’t feel like I had to keep an eye on them. As we arrived at our next destination I jumped out of the car with a newfound excitement for the night ahead. I stepped out on to the footpath and was floored the moment I realised where we were . . . a gentlemen’s club!
I had never been to anything like it before, but the golden sign above us promised an evening full of excitement. The line to enter trailed around the block, but just like at the previous bar Hugh was greeted immediately, this time by a tall, dark and handsome man with the look of a professional wrestler, a clear cord concealing an earpiece. The guy hugged Hugh as if they hadn’t seen each other in years before we were escorted past the queued patrons and up the stairs. Walking ahead of Hugh I could feel his eyes on me; he was so close I could feel his breath on my neck. Tall-dark-and-handsome took us upstairs to the VIP section, where the music pumped all around us and I felt my pulse race with excitement; it was almost as if I knew I shouldn’t be there but I was going to enjoy it anyway. I was intrigued by everything that was going on around me, especially the women performing: they were immaculately dressed in full-length gowns and runway-model make-up. I was astounded at how polished they looked.
As the hundreds of patrons watched the live show, the woman performing climbed a pole with expert precision before flinging herself off and landing perfectly in her high heels.
Leah was in her element; she couldn’t stop looking around and giggling. Hugh overheard Leah telling me that she wanted to try a lap dance. She was so drunk I thought she was joking but Hugh took her request very seriously. Neither of us had witnessed a lap dance before, and the idea piqued my interest more than I cared to admit—not for any sexual reason but rather I was simply intrigued by what it entailed. Hugh looked up and nodded to the owner, and moments later three strippers approached our table in flawless gowns of gold, white and blue clinging effortlessly to their incredible figures.
‘Pick one,’ Hugh called out to Leah, and she looked at him almost dumbfounded. I could tell that she was unsure whether he was serious but she decided to throw caution to the wind and picked the glamorous caramel blonde in the gold dress. I looked at Hugh, not sure what was going on—I was still extremely intoxicated—but he pulled me closer to him and whispered in my ear.
‘You’re not getting one, so don’t even think about it,’ he said with a straight face.
I was a little taken aback: he was denying me something I hadn’t even asked for, and that drove me insane. No man was going to tell me what I could or couldn’t have! ‘And why not?’ I said in a frosty tone.
He returned my gaze as a sneaky smile crept across his face. He was enjoying seeing me get mad. He leaned in ever so close to me, brushed my neck with the tip of his thumb and whispered in my ear. ‘Because I want you to enjoy giving me one later.’ His voice was laced with the sexual tension we both knew was hanging between us and my frosty demeanour melted immediately. I was turned on, the skin-on-skin contact driving me crazy as I felt the slippery wetness of my sex amplify at the roughness in his voice. My inhibitions had disappeared and I was desperate to have him right then and there. He saw the desire in my eyes and his expression matched it. I looked down to the hand he was still holding but I was distracted from my train of thought as he placed his finger and thumb on my chin, lifted it and kissed me on the lips gently before his thumb trailed down my neck, brushing my collarbone. I choked in the air between us, unclasped our hands and rubbed the traces of his touch that had set fire to my skin. As I pulled away he cupped my chin and mouthed, ‘I want you, and I want the chance to explain.’ In that instant every bad thought left my head and I forgave him.
I watched on as Leah sat stone-still while the stripper started to grind up against her. It made me laugh as Leah fumbled with her hands, not knowing what to do with them or if she was even allowed to touch the other woman. I felt as though this night was going to be full of so many firsts for me, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was doing the wrong thing, even though I hadn’t really done anything yet.
I was itching to head out on to the dance floor as the music pumped through my veins but Hugh stopped me from leaving, so I stood up and began to dance with Leah after her lap dance. Hugh came up behind me and placed his hands firmly on my hips. I turned around in my drunken haze to face him, the music fading as the steely look of hunger in his eyes made me oblivious to everyone and everything around us. I felt the burning hot rigid length of him through his pants, pressed flat against my stomach as we melded further into the crowd surrounding us in the upstairs VIP area.
The heat radiating from his body was palpable. I swallowed hard in sweet anticipation. Despite the fear of the unknown and the building anxiety over losing my virginity, I knew, I could just feel it in my bones, that the night was going to end with pure and utter sheet-clawing, toe-curling, mind-blowing sex . . . lust at its greatest height until well after dawn. His stamina was incredible and his insatiable appetite for connection was something I was learning to crave. The copious amounts of alcohol I had consumed had lowered my inhibitions to the point where I was up for almost anything to heighten our mutual pleasure. We were finally in a good place, and my fight-or-flight instinct had been well and truly numbed.
I was steeling myself against the fervid desire to rip off his shirt and run my nails down his bare back, as he squeezed my hips tighter to the beat of the music, eyeing me off, daring me to act on animal instinct. I caught myself absent-mindedly biting my bottom lip, which in turn drove him close to the edge. The authority in his tone, the electric touch and the suggestive looks between us all night had built me up to believe that our night was going to end exactly as I wanted, with him in charge . . . and on top.
When we finally left I was a mess. I was blind drunk and Leah was nowhere to be found. I had no intention of leaving her, and when I wen
t outside I found her talking to—and pretty much all over—a stranger. So much for my wing-woman who was going to protect me from making the stupid decision of sleeping with Hugh.
We packed her into the car and got her upstairs to the apartment, where she promptly passed out. Now the effect of the alcohol had started to wear off and Leah was out of the picture, I grew scared of what was to come. Hugh had no idea that I was still a virgin or had been abused as a child. I couldn’t bring myself to admit the effect that it had on me, let alone tell someone else about it. Petrified that I didn’t feel completely in control of myself or my surroundings, I went out on the balcony and lit up a cigarette, closed my eyes and hoped Hugh would pass out—but even in my state I realised there was no chance of that happening.
I kept my gaze determinedly on the ocean as he came out to join me, sitting on the sofa opposite me as I lay on the long pool chair with my cigarette hanging over the railing. In one swift motion he was up and next to me, his hands grasping my face and his lips kissing me passionately. I didn’t move, I could barely even return his kiss as my heart began to race. I desperately wanted to be with him, to feel him inside me, but I was too afraid of the consequences in my head the next day if that happened. Without removing his lips from mine, he climbed up next to me on the lounge chair, placing his hands on my hips and pulling me on top of him. I panicked and rolled on to my back before he rolled on top and hovered over my body. He looked me in the eyes and whispered, ‘Don’t move, just close your eyes and trust me.’
Every fibre of my being wanted to jump up and run away from him, but something in his tone made me feel a little safer.
I looked at him, forgetting the cigarette I was holding over the balcony. I closed my eyes and, reluctantly, decided to trust him. For what felt like hours I waited for the worst to come, for him to touch me and for the feeling of panic to overwhelm me, until I finally felt his fingers gently trace lines across my face.