by Ava Reilly
I relaxed a little as I felt his lips on my neck distracting me as his free hand slipped underneath me and pulled me to his chest. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe; all I knew was that I wouldn’t allow my fears to rule me anymore . . . or would I?
We were both fully clothed; he was still in his business shirt and jeans while I was in my little black dress and feeling as limp as a rag doll, my adrenaline pumping alongside my endorphins. As his knee separated my legs I knew I wanted him as much as he wanted me. His lips locked with mine again as he tightened his grip around my stomach and I felt myself wanting more as his hand ran up and down my thigh, lifting my dress ever so slightly.
Sheer terror and pure excitement battled within me but I still didn’t move. I returned his hungry kiss as his hands began to explore my body, my fear starting to make me shake uncontrollably. I knew at any moment that the feeling of panic was due to set in and that my first instinct would be to run away. In that moment I remembered the feeling of violation all over again as I battled to keep Hugh’s face in my mind’s eye, forgetting anyone who had ever forcefully touched me before and trying to focus on the fact that this was someone I was allowing to touch me.
My eyes remained tightly shut as I felt his hand running higher up my thigh. Inside I was screaming no but I couldn’t manage to utter the word. I knew that I wanted him to take things further but I couldn’t fight back the fear growing inside. He peeled aside my G-string and began to rub my cleft with his thumb. I could feel myself growing aroused immediately, the excitement only intensified by the idea of being outside on the balcony and the possibility of being caught by Leah. His pace quickened as his pleasure intensified—I felt it in his kiss, in the growing length of him pressed firmly against my leg—and I threw my head back as I felt myself letting go, my mind growing clouded at the impending orgasm building inside me. He was reading me well and before I could protest he rammed his fingers inside me, tipping me over the edge as his pace matched my racing heart. I groaned in his kiss as his free hand ran through my hair, pulling it backwards so I could look him in the eyes as I climaxed. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly again as I felt the sweat clinging to my body and the ripples of pleasure intensifying, sending shivers down my spine. I was spent.
I lay in his arms holding back the tears that were stemming from the fears inside my heart that had, for the first time ever, not been able to consume me. He kissed my face and forehead gently before he lifted me out of the chair, cradling me in his arms and carrying me into the bedroom.
As I lay down on the bed, my eyes still closed, I feared that what I had unleashed was not going to stop. I wasn’t sure if I was really ready to take that next step with him, I felt I had pushed myself as far as I could and was afraid of the consequences if I didn’t stop it there. The night ended in ecstasy but I didn’t end up sleeping with him.
Hugh kept his promise; he didn’t push my boundaries and didn’t try anything any further. We kissed late into the night as I lay on his bare chest wearing my silk pyjama bottoms and black singlet that I couldn’t even remember changing into. Out on the balcony I had felt his excitement brush up against me as he lay on top of me caressing my neck with sweet kisses, but in the bedroom never once did he try to push me any further or even try to explore the possibility of me sleeping with him.
The next morning I woke up in the same position in which I had fallen asleep: on his chest with my hand tracing lines on his skin as his thumb rubbed my shoulder and he kissed my forehead.
We didn’t need to say another word to each other; it had all been said in our actions the previous night. If this was going to happen, it was going to happen on my terms . . . and my terms were yet to be determined.
•
I reluctantly said goodbye to Hugh. No matter how confused I was inside, there was still a big part of me that really didn’t want to leave him. MTV was playing an Usher marathon, and as I hugged Hugh, ‘Caught Up’ began. The lyrics heightened my anxiety, because the previous twelve hours related in a way that I wasn’t ready to admit. I would never have expected something like this to happen to me, but it had and now I didn’t want to let him go. I was caught up and at the time I had no idea how much my feelings would intensify over the next few months.
Hugh walked Leah and me to the elevator and kissed me goodbye. The same electricity from his lips pierced through mine and into the depths of my soul.
As soon as we began the drive home I received a call from Hugh, telling me he wanted to see me again soon, and asking if I could fly out to see him. I was a little apprehensive about spending more time with him until I got my head sorted, but at the same time I couldn’t help but feel a little excited.
‘I would love to see you again soon,’ he said, sounding so calm while on the inside I was a mess.
‘Let me see what I have planned and I’ll let you know.’ Even as I said the words I knew that I was going to make the time to fly out to see him. It was becoming almost impossible not to want to see him, especially after our night together.
As soon as we hung up I turned to Leah and said, ‘Feel like repeating last night in another town?’ She took one look at me and nodded as a huge cheeky grin crept across her face. We began to make plans on the drive, and within two weeks we were on our way there.
#SixthConfession
#COAMMPlaylist:
‘Behind These Hazel Eyes’
Kelly Clarkson
During the two weeks away from Hugh my feelings for him solidified and the flirtatious butterflies went into overdrive. We communicated daily and I grew to see a beautiful side of this man as he opened up and gave me a little more insight into his life. Some people in the industry saw him as a dark but loveable underworld character because he stayed out of the media eye, while others thought he was trouble; the reality was he didn’t let many people into his inner circle.
When Leah and I flew into town we decided to spend the first two days together just enjoying ourselves. It was the first time Leah had been to that town and it was the first time I had been there without my family. We decided we were going to paint the town red. We had rented an apartment in the city, and because we had caught a late flight and landed at 10.30 p.m., we went straight to the apartment and crashed.
Over the next two days we had the time of our lives: days at the markets and beach, nights in fantastic bars and restaurants drinking too much and making new best friends.
The first day we walked for an hour along the beach until the sky turned from bright and sunny to black and wet in the span of ten minutes. We decided to stop into a bar and have a few drinks—and I have to say, it’s now one of my favourite bars in that town. It’s nothing more than a hole in the wall but the memories we made there will last a lifetime.
We sat at a table outside as the rain poured around us and the traffic slowed to a halt because of the conditions. In front of us were two gentleman also enjoying a few drinks, and after Leah and I had grown a little tipsy we decided to interrupt their conversation. The two men ended up joining us, and for the next nine hours we all became the best of friends and continued to drink and enjoy the view. I can’t say I remember much of what happened but I do know that we got quite drunk and ended up hitting on the gorgeous bartender and took a lot of photos to remember his beautiful physique. To top it all off I was proposed to by a Frenchman; I quickly accepted and we began to plan our honeymoon. Our fun afternoon moved into one of our best nights ever.
We ended up walking home, and after Leah got us lost we finally made it back to our apartment, where we had every intention of going out again—but instead we both passed out.
The next morning Leah had a massive hangover and didn’t want to go anywhere, but I insisted we make the most of the day. We enjoyed a beautiful lunch and walked around the city before returning to our home-away-from-home to get ready for another night out. When we were finally ready—fabulous outfits, perfect hair and make-up—we headed to a magnificent bar with a massive staircase out the
front in one of the worst and most dangerous neighbourhoods in the city. One section of the neighbourhood had been made famous by a movie a few years earlier and its bright red light can be seen from halfway across the city. When we first arrived, the bar was full, but my feet were killing me from walking all day and after thirty minutes we found a space. About three seconds later two moderately attractive guys squeezed in next to us and started to chat to us. They pulled out novelty male appendage straws and we immediately laughed as they began to drink from them. Other diners turned around and looked in disgust, but for the next two hours we had a great time with our new friends.
Not long after, we moved from the bar into the club section of the venue, where Leah ended up making out with one of the guys. The other guy turned to me, leaned in and whispered, ‘So, if we’re going to hook up we should probably get out of here now, but you can’t stay the night because I have to be up early, so . . . yeah.’
I don’t know if I was more disgusted or angry, but I immediately stood up and spoke to him coldly. ‘There was never any chance of that happening!’ I stormed off before he had the chance to respond.
I was appalled, and all I could think was that if this was what the dating scene entailed, count me out. I felt degraded and was royally pissed off—he hadn’t even offered to buy me a drink! Not that it would have made a difference, but it showed me that he didn’t even have a basic level of courtesy.
When I reached the bathroom I pulled out my phone and saw a missed call from Hugh. Immediately I felt a bit better, and I called him back, desperate to hear his beautifully soothing voice. The more the male species let me down the easier it was for me to fall back into Hugh’s arms.
‘Hey, stranger,’ I said when he answered.
‘Hey, babe, where are you?’ Hugh responded. I could hear in his voice that something was off. He sounded a little sick.
‘In the city. Come out and join me,’ I almost begged.
‘I wish I could, bub, but I’m not feeling well.’
‘Oh, that sucks. I wish you could be here.’
‘Are you and Leah having fun?’ He still sounded a little off and this time I knew it wasn’t because he was sick, it was something else.
‘Yeah, it’s been great. We met a couple of guys and Leah is totally into one of them, so I’m enjoying the night because she is. You should get some rest, though. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow.’ I tried to sound upbeat when I felt nothing of the sort. There was a pause on the other end of the line and I knew that he wasn’t happy about the situation, but neither was I—I didn’t want to be out with any other guy, I wanted to be out with him.
‘Be safe, if you need anything call me,’ he demanded, a little frostier than I think he intended. I was beginning to appreciate his protectiveness, but I didn’t like feeling that my choices were being taken away from me, which only added to my nerves and confusion about where things were leading with him.
We hung up and I returned to find Leah locking lips with the guy she had been hanging off all night, so I tried to relax and returned to the bar, where I spotted my ‘friend’ chatting up another girl. I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned to find Leah and her new friend behind me. We ordered a drink and then in my infinite tipsy wisdom I decided it was time for payback. I walked over to where the disrespectful prick was standing ogling the girl and interrupted.
‘Oh, here you are, honey. Did you want a cigarette?’ As I produced it I stood next to him and he took it, smiling at me. The girl looked straight at me, and clearly she was unimpressed.
‘Ugh, I think you’ve made your point,’ she said before stalking off. He was gobsmacked and I had achieved my goal: cock-blocking mission initiated, and he deserved it.
A few minutes later I ran after the girl and apologised. I explained what had happened and told her that she would be making a mistake if she went anywhere near that creep.
‘Thank you,’ she said when I had finished. She smiled and hugged me before walking over to a group of girls, where—judging by their sniggers and looks in the guy’s direction—she obviously told the entire story. The story soon spread around the club, and I can confidently say he didn’t end up getting laid that night. All I can say is, don’t mess with Ava Reilly!
A little later I made my way to the bathroom to fix my hair, but I didn’t expect what happened next. My phone fell out of my clutch, and when I picked it up I saw five missed calls from Hugh and a text message that ended up saying it all.
I have tried to call you but instead you’re probably hooking up with some other guy!
My happy mood was instantly trashed. This was the second time in one night that someone had pretty much called me a slut, and I was far from it. I could handle it coming from someone who didn’t know me, but when it came from Hugh it broke my heart. In my infinite drunken wisdom I immediately tried to call him back to let him know how pissed off I was, but the call went to voicemail, so I left a message giving him a piece of my admittedly spinning mind. I then threw my phone into my bag and refused to look at it again.
I flung open the bathroom door and headed towards Leah to tell her what had happened. As soon as I told her I wanted to leave she agreed, and her new friend Toby drove us back to our apartment. Without even asking he came up with her, which annoyed me because I really wanted to be alone, but I felt rude telling him to leave. Before we had arrived we had made one rule—no guys in the room we were sharing—and I hoped Leah wouldn’t break it.
As soon as I opened the door and walked into the bathroom I considered locking myself in there until after he left. I was so upset, and after I washed my face and walked out into the bedroom I was livid to find that she had taken him in there and they had started to make out on my bed!
I’d had enough. I wanted to catch the first flight out and never return. I began to pack my things and slam every door I could find. I knew that I was behaving irrationally but I couldn’t help but feel that Leah had betrayed me too that night. I needed fresh air and wasn’t going to be able to clear my head with the two of them going at it like rabbits. I grabbed my keys and walked downstairs for a cigarette, but not before I made a point of slamming the front door.
I reached the glass front doors and pushed them open, gasping in the cold night air. As soon as I sat down on the stone steps I pulled out my earphones and pressed play on my phone. The next song shook me to the core; it was exactly how I felt about Hugh and my biggest fear summed up in the most beautiful melody and lyrics: Amy Winehouse’s acoustic rendition of ‘Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?’ I felt myself slipping deeper and deeper into the endless pit as tears streamed down my face and my frail body shook. I realised that I wasn’t really angry that Leah had brought a guy home. I was pissed off that I was jealous; I was so hurt and angry with myself because all I kept thinking was why couldn’t I be normal like that? Why couldn’t I just sleep with someone? Why couldn’t I be like anyone else my age and not be afraid? I cried for everything that had been taken from me at such a young age and because I didn’t know how to change it . . . I didn’t know how to be normal.
After my cigarette and Amy Winehouse’s soulful melody I felt calmer. I stood up, brushed myself off and tried to put a smile back on my face, but it didn’t last; I couldn’t stop the tears and the anger from returning. I turned and walked through the glass doors, ready to march upstairs and give Leah and Toby a piece of my mind, but as the elevator doors opened, there they were. Leah took one look at my tear-stained face and told him to leave.
I looked at her and felt my hard exterior crumble along with everything else inside me as she pulled me towards her and squeezed me in a hard embrace. We moved back into the elevator and I dropped to the floor and cried again. I couldn’t figure out how my night had turned from fun to horrible, but it felt like one of the lowest points in my life.
Leah got me back into the apartment. I walked straight into the lounge room and lit up a cigarette. After more uncontrollable crying she finally convinced me to o
pen up. I told her everything, about my past, about Hugh—everything she needed to know to understand what I was going through. We talked for most of the night. She apologised and I apologised, and eventually I fell asleep crying silent tears into my pillow as the darkness finally consumed me.
I woke up the next morning with a killer headache. I didn’t want to get out of bed but I knew I had to pull myself together and make the most of the new day ahead of me. When Hugh called he apologised over and over, but I wouldn’t hear any of it. The only thing we could agree on was that we needed to see each other to talk, so we decided to meet for dinner. In the meantime, Leah and I left the apartment early and decided to take a walk—a walk that lasted nine kilometres. It was good to get out into the fresh air, enjoying the incredible parklands and being able to reflect on everything that had happened, but by the end of it my feet were killing me because I did it in heels!
I was nervous about Leah seeing Hugh again after our conversation the night before. I didn’t want her to feel like the third wheel, so I told her to invite Toby from the night before. I knew I needed an excuse to be alone with Hugh and keeping Leah occupied was the best way to achieve this.
A few hours later as we all arrived at Hugh’s office building, I was starting to regret my decision to see him. I knew we weren’t going to be able to sort out our situation in just one evening and I had a massive hangover, which didn’t help my state of mind.
As we walked into his offices I was in awe; every inch of the place screamed success. Evidence of his career achievements were placed strategically on the walls. The moment we saw each other I knew I couldn’t be angry with him, but I couldn’t just let it go either. He placed his hand on my back and kissed my cheek before turning to greet Leah and Toby. I kept watching him as he showed us around and proudly took us into his office, which, I was shocked to see, was pretty much an apartment, complete with kitchen, bathroom (which included a shower) and lounge room.