by Ava Reilly
As we walked into the master bedroom I looked around me and remembered the first time I had slept with him; the time I had given him something that I had never given anyone before. I remembered the nights I was broken and he held me in his arms, not wanting anything beyond making sure I was okay. I remembered the first time he promised me that he wouldn’t push my boundaries, and the fact that he had stuck by his promise. I held onto the memories as they took over my mind’s eye before I was broken from my reverie when I felt Hugh’s hands caress my face and he once again transported me with his kiss. His fingertips burned into my flesh, resonating in my heart before breaking their way through to my soul and lifting me to a place that I had thought only existed in dreams. A place where I was blissfully happy.
As we fell on the bed, wrapped up in everything that we were individually and together, I felt the distance dissolve and a single tear slide down my cheek.
When we surfaced for air it felt like time had stood still. We looked directly, silently into each other’s eyes. I studied the features of the man who had captured me in a way no one else ever would. He had saved me from everything that I was, he never took me for granted, he loved me for who I was and because of the way he cared for my fragile heart I knew he really was the one.
‘Ava, I’m going to get dinner. How about I pour you a glass of wine, you go and have a nice shower, and we spend the night together . . . just us. What do you say?’ he whispered without breaking eye contact.
It was exactly what I needed to hear.
‘I’d love to,’ I responded before kissing him lightly on the lips.
Standing in the shower twenty minutes later, I felt so refreshed, as if everything I had ever worried about was washing down the drain and I was finally going to be able to begin the next chapter of my life with Hugh. And for the first time since we’d met I didn’t care where it was going because I allowed myself to believe that he really did love me, that I was worth everything he was offering. Wherever that took us . . . I was ready.
After dinner we sat on the couch and drank wine while watching television. It was a beautiful, quiet night in while the city below us buzzed on with its Friday-night party. I felt like we were the only people in the world. I lay curled up in Hugh’s arm, absent-mindedly sipping my glass of wine, appreciating the seconds that passed while he ran his fingers along the back of my neck and up and down my bare arm until I couldn’t take it anymore. I put my glass on the table before returning to my comfortable position and looked directly up at him. He placed his fingertips on my chin and leaned down for a kiss. I was instantly consumed and within seconds found myself slipping underneath him as he climbed on top of me.
He caressed every inch of my body before sliding off my gown and running his hands down my bare stomach. I was desperate to feel him inside me, feel the length of him fill me once again. It wasn’t long until my wish was fulfilled and I experienced the most intense sexual experience of my life as we became one again. I felt the deepest connection we had ever shared as he prolonged our mutual climax, lying on the couch wrapped up in each other. His sensual movements were enough to almost send me over the edge as we savoured each other before we climaxed together.
Spent by our emotional and physical connection, he collapsed in my arms, kissing my forehead and cheeks in a way that made me want to express my love for him freely, without pressure or limitation. I loved this man for everything he had ever been to me and everything he had ever done for me.
Wrapped in his arms on the couch later, fresh from another shower, I knew that the next day I would tell him everything I felt and finally give him what he needed. I would tell him what I wanted and where I wanted us to go. And I would tell him how much I truly loved him.
•
It was late by the time I realised I was desperate for bed. Things had been so peaceful and I just wanted to stay in his arms and never move from that spot. Just as I began to drift off to sleep Hugh kissed my forehead, jolting me awake and making me smile.
‘Ava, I just have to send an urgent email. After that I’m going to take you off to bed, baby,’ he whispered.
I groaned before shifting my position as he leaned over and collected his laptop. I returned to my position in the crook of his arm as he began to write his email. It was the first time he had openly done business around me that I wasn’t directly involved with.
I began to drift off again until I heard his fingers leave the keyboard. I thought he had finished until I heard him exhale deeply.
‘Have I shown you photos of my granddaughter yet?’ he whispered closely to my ear.
My heart stopped. He had never, ever discussed anything like this before, let alone showed me photos of his family. We both knew that I knew about his family but he had never been so open about his life outside of us. I was shocked but excited that he was letting me in after all this time, and I was finally ready to accept him in my life completely.
‘No, babe, you haven’t,’ I said, trying to keep my voice even.
He pulled out his phone, entered his passcode and scrolled through his photos before sharing them with me. We went through at least a hundred different photos from when she was born to a few days before. As he scrolled through the photos I caught a glimpse of his wife, Hayley, holding the baby but he skipped over it and kissed my forehead again. I hugged him tighter; I knew that our situation wasn’t ideal but I also knew that if I expected things to change I had to tell him what I wanted.
As he continued to pour out more and more information about his life, I began to feel the tiredness disappear and the longing for him both physically and mentally returned with a vengeance. He was being more open and raw than I had ever experienced, and we were going somewhere we had never been before. I listened intently as he shared memories, about his work or his family, and it wasn’t until after 1 a.m. that we finally made our way to bed.
Hugh pulled me off the couch and we walked hand in hand, turning off the lights before climbing into bed.
I exhaled deeply as he wrapped me up in his arms and turned on the television again.
Hugh watched the show intensely as I turned away from the television and searched his face to see what he was thinking. I found myself absent-mindedly drawing lines on his stomach as I rested my head on his chest to hear his heartbeat.
He shifted slightly before kissing the top of my head. I seized the moment to pull myself up and kiss him. As I closed my eyes I felt the electricity run through me when his hands made their way down my now bare back and the tips of his fingers tickled my senses.
Taking charge I gradually slid on top of him without breaking our kiss. I placed my hands on Hugh’s chest, gently gliding my nails down towards the band of his jeans. I felt his breath hitch as he sat further back against the headboard when I finally reached my goal. After he removed his last article of clothing I straddled him, eager to feel him inside me again. I was filled with love, joy and hope for the future, which was fuelling the ever-growing desire within me. I positioned him beneath me before sliding down, feeling him fill me deeper than he ever had before. We moved in slow motion together as his mouth made its way down my neck before his lips enclosed around my tender and aroused nipple. I felt his body jerk beneath me as I began to slide down on his thickness once again. He let out a slow, deep groan before grazing his teeth along my collarbone.
I felt raw and exposed at that moment, and I wasn’t surprised or disappointed when he flipped me over and took charge.
He looked deeply into my eyes as I felt my climax building with each calculated thrust. I moaned with the deepest of pleasure before the waves of pleasure took over every inch of my body. Within seconds he also gave into his pleasure, crushing his lips against mine so hard that I struggled to fight back tears of joy.
‘I love you, Ava,’ he whispered with ragged breath as he wrapped me up in the warmth of his arms.
I began to drift off to sleep feeling fulfilled and blessed, so much so that I allowed myself to believe in the possibility
that I may just be worthy of a fairytale ending after all.
#Thirty-firstConfession
#COAMMPlaylist
‘Ghost’
Ella Henderson
Just before I opened my eyes and faced the day I could instantly tell that I hadn’t slept as well as I had hoped. I hadn’t moved an inch from the spot in which I had fallen asleep but something deep down told me that something was horribly wrong.
I opened my eyes slowly, feeling Hugh’s arms protectively around me, in the hope that I was still dreaming. I had no reason to feel this way and couldn’t even put my finger on what it was that I was feeling. After all, I had everything that I had ever wanted. I stirred gently, trying to shake the awful feeling but the only thing I managed to do was wake a peacefully sleeping Hugh. As he woke he tightened his arms around me, squeezing the air out of my lungs with such force I began to feel dizzy. Then it hit me: the feeling must have been anxiety about finally telling him how I felt. I pondered this thought, trying to make myself believe that that’s all that was bothering me.
I felt his lips caress my shoulder before he rolled me over and kissed me intensely.
I felt myself melt against him as he began to travel over my body. My mind grew clouded as we started to make love. I forced myself to push the feeling of dread deep down as the pleasure rippled through me. He knew how to make me feel alive and I knew what I had to do to make things right between us.
‘Hugh, before I leave today I need to talk to you,’ I whispered breathlessly.
‘I know. I can feel it in the air. I know you’re ready now,’ he said, kissing my cheeks and the tip of my nose. Was he right? Was I truly ready to hand myself over to this man and trust that he was going to do right by me?
There was only one way to find out.
‘I’m going to have a shower and then get us some breakfast,’ he said. ‘Lie here, relax and when you’re ready we’ll talk.’ He kissed me again and then walked into the bathroom.
I stretched luxuriously, savouring the memories of the night before. We had managed to break down so many barriers and he had finally opened up to me in exactly the way that I had wanted for so long. As I heard the shower door close I snuggled deeper beneath the covers; I could happily have stayed in bed for the rest of the day. A smile crept across my face at the perfect memory we had made just hours earlier, and I found myself imagining a future with Hugh I had never allowed myself to even contemplate before. I wanted Hugh, and it was about time I started to accept that I was going to have him.
As he stepped back into the room I was brought back to reality as his laughter filled the empty space around me.
‘Have you been lying there like that the entire time?’ he said, chuckling as he began to dress.
‘Maybe,’ I responded playfully as I undressed him again with my eyes.
‘Well, I’m going to grab us something to eat and then I’ll be back to feed you and then have my way with you again,’ he laughed again.
‘Looking forward to it,’ I replied with a smile planted firmly on my face as he leaned over and kissed me.
As he left the apartment I grabbed the TV remote control. I wasn’t one for daytime television but I was going to take full advantage of the opportunity to do absolutely nothing.
After ten minutes of Weekend Sunrise my throat began to burn and I needed a drink of water. I climbed out of bed and half-ran towards the kitchen, still completely naked. I filled my glass with cold water and almost skipped back towards the bedroom, excited for the day ahead. As I passed the lounge room I spotted Hugh’s phone connected to the charger lying on the floor.
‘Oh shit, he’s left his phone,’ I said out loud. His phone was the one thing Hugh was never without—in his position he couldn’t afford to leave it behind in case any of his clients needed to get in touch for something important.
As I walked back into the bedroom a wave of nausea swept over me. I felt my body begin to shake, and suddenly I knew I had to go back out into the lounge room—to Hugh’s phone. I was at a complete loss as to why I had to do this, but I followed my instinct.
‘Get a fucking grip, Ava,’ I said to myself, but I still hurried to collect my robe from the bedroom floor and threw it around my shoulders as I walked back through to the lounge room.
I saw it again . . . his phone.
The feeling in the pit of my stomach took over again as I slowly walked towards it. The world around me faded to black as I stood in front of the one thing that held all of Hugh’s secrets. I bent down to pick it up and felt my heart begin to race and my hands began to shake. I had never been the kind of person to go through someone else’s phone, but something deep inside me told me that the answers to all of my concerns and questions lay in the little black device now burning hotly in my hand.
I closed my eyes, trying to make sense of what was happening. With my eyes shut tightly I saw the images of the night before play out in front of me, then I remembered how different everything between us had felt. He had offered up more information to me in the past twenty-four hours than over the past two and a bit years, and that scared me more than I cared to admit. When he was evasive I could handle it, but he had changed the game the moment he opened his life up to me. The combination code to his phone flashed before my eyes and I knew then that I needed to follow my gut instinct.
I opened my eyes slowly and slid my finger across the screen. Up popped the security-code request and before I could stop myself I was entering the same combination he had typed the night before.
It unlocked and the home screen flashed before me. My heartbeat quickened as I hit the messages icon and began to slowly scroll through the messages.
I clicked on the first name I saw and my whole world crashed down around me. I dropped to the floor as the ground tore out from beneath me. My heart shattered into a million pieces, and my head was flooded with visions I would never be able to forget. I closed the message immediately before my eyes caught more and more of the same type of thing with so many different women. I saw the messages—sexts—back and forth, and images of the women in all types of positions. My mind failed to register that I was seeing more of the female anatomy than I had ever in my life, even taking into account the fact that I am a woman. I was overcome by the feeling of utter betrayal as I dropped the phone and watched it fall in slow motion to the floor. For a while time stood still, and I felt nothing but a roaring numbness. I then felt bile rise in my throat and I ran towards the bathroom in time to expel the contents of my stomach. I sat on the cold marble floor, shaking uncontrollably while an unimaginably excruciating pain consumed my body and violent tears ran down my cheeks with no sign of stopping. My head began to throb with a headache that teetered on the edge of white blinding pain. Stars fogged my vision as I tried to fight the crippling agony, all the while a voice in my head screamed, I told you so!—and I realised the voice was my own. I closed my eyes in the hope of slowing my breath, which hitched every time I inhaled, as if my body was on repeat.
There was nothing I could do to stop any of it. I couldn’t muster the ability to hate him at that point. All I wanted to do was knock myself out and hope to god that it was all a dream . . . reality seemed too cruel to handle. I wanted to run, hide and pretend it was happening to someone else. I really wasn’t ready to deal with the fact that Hugh, my Hugh, had committed an unforgivable act of betrayal. It was worse than anything I had been forced to endure in my early years. Somewhere deep down I had known that this was coming. I had known that something was wrong, I had felt it deep within my soul, but I had forced my concerns aside for the sake of my love for Hugh, and somehow I was still shocked. I felt an impending numbness encroaching, and I prayed for it to set in, to take me over and protect me, but this was my consequence, this was my punishment for agreeing to be his mistress—he had cheated on me as he had cheated on his wife.
I knew I would never forget the vivid images of the naked women on his phone, making a lie of every word he had spoken to me for s
o many years, and every moment we had spent together—it made me feel like a cheap, dirty whore. I was disgusted with myself for falling for someone so deeply to whom clearly I was easily—and frequently—replaceable.
I suddenly lurched back to reality as I remembered that he was going to return shortly and was expecting something I was no longer willing to give him. I couldn’t comprehend being in the same room as him, and I had no idea how I was going to handle the situation. I felt utterly destroyed and I knew that it was of my own doing. I blamed myself for lowering my guard and allowing Hugh to break me.
When I finally pulled myself up off the floor I cried harder than I ever had. What the fuck was I going to do now?
I ran myself a shower. I couldn’t control the tears and I was too tired to care. As I stood under the shower I felt the cold hard reality of my situation rage around me. I went through every possible emotion and was left reeling from them all. The hurt turned to betrayal until the sickness returned as I came to the conclusion that countless other women must have stood in the same shower in which I was now crying my heart out. I flung myself forward and hit the glass door, trying to distance myself from that reality. I grabbed the closest towel, turned off the water and ran into the bedroom, where I frantically packed. I needed to get out before he returned. I couldn’t be anywhere near him; I was afraid of what I would do if I ran into him. I was afraid that I would black out and lash out at him or worse—I would make excuses for him and forgive him.
I dressed as quickly as I could, trying my hardest not to touch the bed in which we had created so many memories; the same bed in which he had taken my virginity, an act that had meant so much to me but now sickened me as I realised that many other women had shared the same bed with him. I still felt dirty, and no amount of scrubbing myself clean would change this feeling. It was eating my skin and I was sure that it would never disappear.
As I finished packing and grabbed the handle on my suitcase I heard the elevator arrive and the front door click as he entered. I panicked and threw myself on the bed, trying my hardest to control the tremors running through me. I contemplated jumping off the balcony just to avoid him, but I knew it wasn’t possible. I wasn’t ready to confront him but I couldn’t ignore the situation either. I was furious about everything, including the fact that I didn’t know what to do. My pounding headache returned while I sat pretending to watch television as he walked into the room, leaned down and kissed my cheek. I flinched at his touch, too shocked to speak.