by Ava Reilly
‘Hey, baby, sorry I took so long. I’ll get breakfast sorted for you and leave it on the table when you’re ready. I didn’t expect to see you dressed,’ he said, smiling and caressing my shoulder with this fingertips. I remained where I was, frozen. I wasn’t going to do this, I wasn’t going to let it go but I needed to get my head straight before I confronted him.
‘I’ll be out soon,’ I said, trying to curb the frostiness in my tone.
He walked out of the bedroom and I collapsed within myself. I didn’t want to eat, I didn’t even want to breathe.
I made sure that everything was packed in my bags and positioned them near the door, within easy reach if I wanted to grab them and leave quickly.
When I finally walked out into the dining room I saw Hugh sitting on the balcony—the place he had taken me by surprise and awakened my sexual world for the first time. He was reading the newspaper while talking to one of his clients on the same phone that had just proved to me that he was a cheater.
I saw the food sitting on the table with a glass of orange juice, and I sat down to try it. I took a bite but instantly wanted to throw up. I forced myself to swallow, picking at the egg before I threw it in the garbage.
As he walked into the kitchen I was filling my glass with water, trying my hardest to keep calm and steady myself, but despite my best efforts he knew something was wrong.
‘Ava?’ he said in a calm and soothing voice.
I dropped the glass in the kitchen sink and stuck my finger up at him as I walked towards the bedroom again. I didn’t know what else to do, I knew I was falling apart but I needed to hold it together and get out of there.
‘Ava!’ he called after me.
‘Leave me alone, Hugh!’ I screamed back. He didn’t follow. As I turned the corner into the bedroom I saw him standing with his head in his hands, at a loss.
As I grabbed my handbag and suitcase I heard his phone ring, and I thought to myself that it must be one of his whores . . . then I realised I was one of them too. A sharp pain erupted in my stomach, forcing me to keel over. I caught my breath before making myself stand upright. It was time for me to leave. I needed to breathe again, I needed to break down in solitude.
As I walked out of the bedroom with my bags, the pain rippled through my body again. I couldn’t believe that such an incredible night had ended in a way that would change me for the rest of my life. I wanted to crumble to the floor and let the pain consume me. The man I had trusted with my heart, my soul, my body and my life had shattered my world in the blink of an eye. I couldn’t bear to look at him, I couldn’t bear to be in the same universe as him. I was blinded by my love for him and it had cost me more than I had thought I had wagered—in the game of love I had gambled my heart and lost in such a way that I wasn’t sure I would be able to put the pieces back together. I was broken.
I carried my bags to the front door, crippled with fear and desperately hoping I wouldn’t stumble, because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to get back up. I placed my hand on the door handle and heard his voice as he spoke to his assistant. I turned and took one final look at him until I couldn’t stand it anymore; he looked at me with utter confusion and stopped speaking as tears began to stream down my face again. I turned, pulled down the handle and heard the familiar click of the door opening. I tugged it towards me and crossed the threshold. I heard him yell, ‘Fuck!’ as the door closed behind me and I stood in the hallway struggling to breathe. I prayed that he wouldn’t come after me, I prayed that he would stay in the apartment and never contact me again.
I knew that if I turned around at that moment in time I wouldn’t be able to walk away; I knew that I would fall into his arms and shake uncontrollably as the tears fell for what would surely be an eternity. I knew if I stayed . . . it would kill me. I had already lost so much just by being with him, and the only thing I had left to lose was my sanity. As I watched the elevator make its way to the penthouse I saw out of the corner of my eye the door to the apartment being yanked open. I couldn’t even look at him.
‘Ava, what the fuck is going on?’ he asked with a hint of panic in his voice. I turned and looked at him with a blank stare, feeling empty. I had nothing left to say but I forced out the only words I could muster.
‘I can’t be near you right now, Hugh, I have to go.’
Before he could say anything the elevator arrived. I hurried in and pressed the button for the ground floor before punching the ‘close door’ button repeatedly. Just as the elevator doors closed he ran to stop them but he was too late.
I slumped to the floor and allowed the debilitating pain to finally take over every corner of my body and soul as reality set in. The same statement kept playing in my mind: surely this is enough . . . surely this is what I need to be able to walk away.
I sat there telling myself ‘It is over . . . forever.’ I felt humiliated. How was I going to explain this to everyone around me?
Acknowledgements
Writing this book has been a dream come true for me. There have been so many people who have helped to make this dream a reality.
First I would like to thank my family. Mum, thank you for being my everything, for sacrificing so much and for being there to help me pick up the pieces when I let you in. I owe you everything.
Nan, you are the reason that I get up every morning with a smile on my face. You are the greatest first memory that anyone can ever have. Words cannot express how much I love and appreciate you for being a rock when I didn’t feel I could turn to anyone else.
Dad, I remember the first Father’s Day gift I ever bought you—it was a mug that said you were the World’s Greatest Dad, but I never really believed that. You are the greatest dad in the universe. Thank you for being there for me even when I didn’t want you to be. I love you.
To my beloved grandfather: you are the greatest man to have ever walked this planet. My biggest regret in life is that I will never get the chance to tell you this again. You have been the benchmark for any man who enters my life, and words will never explain how much you helped me grow and how safe you made me feel as a child in a world full of pain. I hope I have made you proud.
Maria: without you I would never have made it through this life. I can honestly say that you have been one of the biggest and most influential people in my life, the big sister I never had and the only person I would ever listen to when times got hard. You have been my rock and one of the greatest sources of pride in my life, the other half of my craziness and most of all the best friend I could ever have asked for. I will love you as long as I live, and beyond that. Shine bright like a diamond, princess!
To CoCo: you will never know how much our late night chats meant to me. I can never say enough how lucky I am to have a best friend like you who is always there to pick up the pieces when my mind just can’t seem to function anymore; for always supplying me with energy drinks to make sure that I finished my book on time. Thank you for being you . . . never change.
To the entire team at Allen & Unwin: I really cannot thank you all enough. A huge thankyou must go to Claire Kingston for putting up with my overly cautious nature when it came to my anonymity and for believing in my story, even working while you were getting married halfway across the world. I cannot express my gratitude in words.
To Kathryn and Claire, the two wonderful editors who read over my book and made the number of changes that at times must have been tiring to do, not to mention having to sit through my constant emotional backflips, which I am quite sure left you more than confused throughout the book . . . trust me, I really was that conflicted!
To the fans who’ve followed my story along the way: I really cannot say how amazing it is to be sitting here writing this dedication to you all. Thank you for allowing me to share my life and experiences with you. Without you, none of this would be possible.
Lastly, to Hugh: I will always love you, in this life and the next.
Ava Reilly is a young Australian woman. By day she works in pub
lic relations. By night she writes her much-loved ‘Confessions of a Millionaire’s Mistress’ blog. This is her first book.