Being told to study more or apply oneself by a critical caregiver
A family member or friend winning accolades for their work
Social media posts that share accomplishments, awards, milestones, and achievements
Receiving a Christmas letter that praises the accomplishments of the sender and their family
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Being shamed by a teacher, classmate, or parent for one’s academic weaknesses
A standardized test or other measure that has far-reaching consequences
Being rejected by one’s dream college
Being expelled from a program for poor performance
Being caught cheating
Parents learning the truth about one’s grades (if one has lied about how school is going)
Being assigned a work project as an adult that will magnify one’s learning difficulty
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
FAILING TO DO THE RIGHT THING
EXAMPLES: The result of a character failing to do the right thing is often small, such as fleeting guilt or a temporary rift with a friend. But sometimes the natural consequence of a failure can be monumental, resulting in permanent loss, shame, insecurity, and self-loathing. Events like these can be wounding ones that greatly impact our characters over time, such as…
Not standing up for someone who is being bullied, belittled, or victimized
Looking the other way as a crime is committed
Not stepping in when help could have been given (to a vagrant, a child, etc.)
Giving in to peer pressure
Knowing that a relationship is falling apart but not taking steps to fix it
Making choices that cause others to stumble, such as exposing children or siblings to drugs
Taking a bribe
Giving advice that benefits oneself rather than the recipient
Not blowing the whistle on an influential organization or person who is acting unethically
Confirming someone else’s lie (that people always ditch when life gets hard, that no one is reliable, that friendship is conditional, etc.)
Not confronting a friend who is endangering herself (with an eating disorder, addictions, unsafe sexual practices, suicidal tendencies, by driving while intoxicated, etc.)
Selfishly neglecting those in one’s charge
Telling a secret or private information one promised to keep
Deliberately attempting to hide or twist the truth
Being suspicious of someone but not acting on one’s instincts
Exploiting someone who is vulnerable or in need of help
Giving in to destructive temptations, like having an affair or being financially irresponsible
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I’m a bad person.
I can’t trust my own instincts.
I can’t be relied upon to do what’s right.
I’m untrustworthy.
I’m too cowardly and weak to stand up to others.
It wasn’t my fault; something bad would have happened even if I had acted differently.
One person’s actions don’t matter anyway.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Speaking out against friends and losing them
Being responsible for someone being hurt again
Being manipulated or easily led by others
Making the wrong choice or failing again
Putting their own desires above the needs of others
Being punished for their failure
People discovering what they did
Losing their prestige, power, or otherwise being punished if they don’t “toe the line”
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Relying on others to make important decisions out of a belief that one’s instincts are flawed
Refusing to see or acknowledge injustice so one can avoid responsibility
Turning inward; pulling away from family and friends
Doubting oneself and feeling unworthy
Negative self-talk; berating oneself for being a coward
Becoming apathetic or lackadaisical to avoid being put in charge
Overachieving in an effort to prove one’s worth to others
Becoming callous to the needs of others so one can avoid making difficult moral decisions
Ignoring problems rather than trying to fix them and failing
Becoming very black-and-white in one’s beliefs so it’s easy to make decisions
Loosening one’s opinions about right and wrong so one can act without experiencing guilt
Playing the blame game to avoid responsibility
Becoming more cautious; carefully considering decisions in order to come to the right conclusions
Getting second opinions before taking action
Working hard to ensure one doesn’t make a mistake in the same area again
Having increased empathy for others
Becoming an advocate for others
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Alert, ambitious, cautious, discreet, easygoing, honest, honorable, just, merciful, observant, protective
Flaws: Addictive, apathetic, callous, controlling, cowardly, cruel, defensive, devious, evasive, gullible, hypocritical, ignorant, insecure, irresponsible, manipulative, morbid, needy, reckless, resentful, self-destructive, selfish, stubborn, subservient, temperamental, timid, uncooperative, unethical, weak-willed, withdrawn
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Running into the person who was hurt by one’s mistake
Always being reminded of the lapse because one was “made an example of”
Being exposed to the courageous acts of others (through media, social networks, friends, etc.)
Watching movies where the hero or heroine sacrifices to save the day
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Seeing someone in need who is being ignored
Being asked to be responsible for others (at work, with one’s family, with a friend’s child, etc.)
Being asked for an opinion about an important matter and having to find the courage to voice it
Being forgiven by the victim’s family members but struggling to forgive oneself
Seeing someone headed down the same road that led to one’s own failure
Being the one in need and having to ask someone to make a sacrifice to help
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
FAILING TO SAVE SOMEONE’S LIFE
EXAMPLES
A failed water rescue
Not stopping a suicide in time
Going for help but returning too late
Unsuccessfully preventing someone from choking
Aiding someone after a car accident (e.g., trying to stop the bleeding) but being unable to save them
Intervening during a mugging or physical attack
Failing at reasoning with a criminal during a hostage situation
An unsuccessful domestic dispute intervention
Failing to protect a child in a school shooting
Being unable to revive a loved one after an overdose
Being unable to prove child abuse to authorities until it’s too late
Failing to save someone from a fall because one wasn’t physically strong enough
Losing a patient in the ER or at the site of an accident
Failing to rescue a victim from a fire
Being unable to convince an impaired friend not to drive
Being unable to stop a friend from taking stupid risks
Failing to see the signs of a violent situation until it was too late
Being unable to protect a friend from bullying, racism, or another hate-motivated attack
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Love and belonging, safety and security, esteem and recognition
, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I can’t protect the people I love.
I am weak and ineffective.
It should have been me instead.
It’s better to avoid love than to love and lose it.
I am responsible for this death.
I failed the victim, so their responsibilities and burdens must become my own.
People are inherently evil.
You can’t rely on the system for justice.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Being responsible for others
Making the wrong decision or cracking under pressure
Failing a loved one in need
Dying suddenly
Not knowing critical information when it’s needed
Love and connection
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Difficulty sleeping
Flashbacks
Obsessing over what happened, trying to figure out one’s mistake
Crying frequently or wanting to cry but being unable to
Stomach issues and a lack of appetite due to feelings of guilt or shame
Avoiding responsibility
Believing everyone is talking about one’s failure
Making excuses as to why one cannot commit to things
Second-guessing one’s decisions
Refusing to act impulsively, or acting extremely impulsively
Avoiding the family members of the victim
Frequently visiting the site of the event
Avoiding the site of the event
Pulling back from family and friends
No longer finding joy in activities and events
Sticking to routines and avoiding spontaneity
Becoming risk-averse
Questioning one’s instincts
Downplaying or degrading one’s abilities to others
Assessing the dangers and risks for every activity
Being obsessed with death statistics
Digging into the victim’s life to understand him or her better
Trying to bubble wrap loved ones to keep them safe, thereby smothering them
Being on constant alert for danger
Becoming safety conscious
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Alert, analytical, cautious, disciplined, focused, independent, industrious, introverted, meticulous, protective, responsible, sentimental, socially aware
Flaws: Antisocial, controlling, fanatical, humorless, impatient, indecisive, obsessive, perfectionist, subservient, temperamental, uncommunicative, withdrawn, worrywart
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
A specific place tied to the event (such as water or boats, if a drowning occurred)
Seeing a weapon or item that was used in the event (e.g., a rickety stair railing)
The sight of blood
A sound tied to the event, such as glass smashing or tires squealing
Watching a movie or reading a book that has a similar situation to what one experienced
Having to visit a loved one in a hospital
Needing to enter a police station or speak with an officer
Seeing a picture of the person one failed to save
Having to attend a funeral or memorial
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Being in a life or death situation by happenstance
Being put into a position where one is responsible for someone else
Being in the unique situation where one can make a big difference in another person’s life
Experiencing a close call and having to react by instinct
Dissuading someone from doing something risky, thereby preventing tragedy and enabling one to forgive oneself for what happened in the past
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
MAKING A VERY PUBLIC MISTAKE
EXAMPLES: Public mistakes are nothing new, but in today’s technologically advanced world, they are often recorded for posterity—on YouTube, Facebook, and on websites set up with the purpose of never letting others forget. This kind of reminder makes it even more difficult to move on after an embarrassing gaffe like…
Backing a person, cause, or organization that turns out to be fraudulent
Getting caught having an affair
Getting arrested
Being overheard saying something one would like to keep private
Being caught in a public lie
Losing one’s temper and making comments one later regrets
Getting drunk and acting inappropriately
Flubbing one’s lines during a performance
Literally dropping the ball at a critical moment during a sporting event
Experiencing a wardrobe malfunction
Making public promises that one is unable to keep
Being responsible for a high-profile project or product that fails
Saying something that makes one look stupid or ignorant
Making an accusation that turns out to be unfounded
Accidentally sending a private email to a group of people instead of only the intended recipient
Passing out naked or semi-naked in a public place
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I’m a public joke. No one will let me forget what I did.
I can’t be trusted not to screw up.
I’m terrible under pressure.
My judgment is faulty.
I’m always going to fail.
If I get in front of an audience, I’m going to mess things up.
My career is over (if one has a highly visible career or is a household name).
People are ugly inside, always wanting to tear others apart for making a mistake.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Failures and screw-ups
Speaking or performing in public
Letting others down
Further tarnishing their reputation
Saying the wrong thing
Stating their true beliefs and opinions
Going out on a limb for someone only to learn their trust has been misplaced
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Shying away from ambitious or challenging opportunities
Becoming very private and withdrawn
Becoming overly cautious or even obsessive-compulsive in an effort to avoid the same kind of mistake (repeatedly checking one’s work for errors, over-planning, etc.)
Doubting one’s abilities
Trying to forget through alcohol or drugs
Developing an anxiety disorder
Being prone to angry outbursts from suppressing one’s emotions
Becoming secretive to keep one’s weaknesses from being exploited
Having panic attacks when one is forced into the spotlight
Not doing anything without a partner; relying too much on others and not enough on oneself
Avoiding the humiliating scenario (public speaking, online interviews, debates, etc.)
Giving up one’s career for something that is lower profile; underachieving
Going into hiding (becoming reclusive, moving to a new place, changing one’s name, etc.)
Embracing the false perception caused by one’s mistake (becoming promiscuous, flaky, etc.)
Feeling judged by the peripheral people in one’s life
Googling one’s name to see if others are still obsessed with what happened
Avoiding social networking platforms where one might be reminded of one’s mistake
Taking greater care before committing; acquiring information before acting
Becoming highly ambitious or driven in an attempt to overcome one’s mistake
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Ambitious, cautious, discreet, humble, merciful, private, proactive, responsible, tolerant
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Watching a video of another person’s embarrassing gaffe
Running into old co-workers or teammates who were close to or witnessed the incident
Seeing a TV news van drive by
Randomly being stopped by a reporter and asked to weigh in on a public issue
People who are holding up cell phones to record or take pictures
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Becoming a target of online bullying
A public recording of one’s mistake becoming so popular one is encouraged to monetize the situation
Being threatened or extorted by someone willing to drag what happened into the spotlight again
Being faced with a similar situation and almost making the same mistake again
Feeling passion for a cause disdained by narrow-minded people, and needing to decide to support it or give in to the fear of being ridiculed for one’s beliefs
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
POOR JUDGMENT LEADING TO UNINTENDED CONSEQUENCES
EXAMPLES
A dive off a bridge that results in serious injury
Peer pressure that leads to a bad accident
A prank or dare gone wrong
Being arrested after a stupid stunt or foolish choice
Drinking and driving that results in a car being totaled
Drinking too much and falling into a bonfire
Irresponsible drinking on a boat that ends in an accident or drowning
Purposely not telling others where one is going and ending up in trouble, far from help
Street racing that leads to injury or death
Taking drugs without knowing what they are and ending up in the hospital
Ditching a friend who is then attacked or injured
Attempting a stunt (jumping off a roof, car surfing, etc.) and ending up with head trauma
Playing with fire and causing a destructive blaze
Fooling around with a chainsaw or axe and getting hurt
The Emotional Wound Thesaurus: A Writer's Guide to Psychological Trauma Page 18