The Emotional Wound Thesaurus: A Writer's Guide to Psychological Trauma
Page 24
Gets what they want through manipulation and coercion
Physically or verbally abuses the other person, sabotaging their self-esteem
Makes the other person feel small, unimportant, or devalued
Plays the victim, always blaming the other person and denying responsibility for wrongdoing
Is chronically negative (always complaining)
Cheats repeatedly on the other
Is overly perfectionistic, with unrealistic expectations for others
Is extremely competitive and needs to win at everything
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
Some people are broken, but I can fix them.
When someone lashes out or hurts me, I shouldn’t take it personally.
Leaving people who need you would be selfish and disloyal.
I’m being treated badly by people because I deserve it.
Things will change when we get married (or have a baby, get away from my parents, etc.).
No one else will give me a chance; this is the best I can do.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Hurting someone who clearly needs love and acceptance
Not having the strength or will to get out of a bad relationship
Never being good enough for someone else
Being a magnet for negativity and those who are toxic
Being trapped in a situation so long they also become toxic (pessimistic, hateful to others, etc.)
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Always giving in to others
Invalidating one’s feelings as being selfish, over-reactive, or irrational
Feeling like one can never be oneself; always wearing a mask or adopting a persona to please others
Distancing oneself from everyone except the toxic person
Believing the lies people tell; being gullible
Wanting to “fix” others
Developing a martyr complex
Doubting one’s instincts
Internalizing the negative things the toxic person says, or making excuses for that person
Depression
Being drawn to other people who are toxic in some way
Feeling resentful toward those who take but never give, then feeling guilty for the resentment
Adopting a toxic person’s bad habits, like gossiping, complaining, lying, or manipulating
Feeling isolated, even in a relationship, because one is used to suppressing one’s feelings
Giving more than one receives
Struggling with a problem and having no outlet because one is used to friendships being one-sided
Not wanting to share one’s good news with others because one is so used to negative responses
Doing things one doesn’t want to do out of fear, guilt, or a sense of obligation
An increasingly negative outlook on life
Avoiding people who are takers
Recognizing the signs of toxicity in other relationships
Being highly empathetic
Being a peacekeeper through fairness and respect
Learning how to stand up for oneself and self-advocate
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Adaptable, affectionate, alert, cautious, cooperative, easygoing, empathetic, gentle, humble, loyal, nurturing, obedient, responsible, sentimental, supportive, tolerant, trusting
Flaws: Addictive, dishonest, disloyal, evasive, gossipy, gullible, humorless, hypocritical, ignorant, indecisive, inhibited, insecure, jealous, martyr, needy, subservient, temperamental, timid, weak-willed
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Being around someone who likes to complain and vent
Receiving phone calls, texts, or visits from a toxic friend and feeling emotionally drained
Catching someone in even a small lie, indiscretion, or manipulation
Being asked for one too many favors or sacrifices
Someone making a threat to do something if one doesn’t fall in line
Having to steer the conversation out of a danger zone because someone is emotionally volatile
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Recognizing that one is no longer happy and tracing the cause back to the toxic person in one’s life
Passing up an opportunity to pursue a dream because of a toxic person and then realizing the mistake
Realizing that one is happier alone than with the toxic person
Meeting someone who is upbeat and optimistic who acts as a reminder of who one used to be before the toxic people set up camp
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
ABANDONMENT OVER AN UNEXPECTED PREGNANCY
NOTES: Many wounds stem from conditional love: you didn’t try hard enough; you embarrassed me; you broke my rules. Having a child, despite the joy that usually accompanies it, is one of the most stressful life events that someone can experience, and if a pregnancy is unexpected or unwanted, the stress compounds. When the person coming to grips with this surprising change is then abandoned by her support system (in the form of parents, a lover, or a spouse), it’s devastating. Either parent could be shunned in this situation, but because the mother typically bears the brunt of the rejection, this entry will focus on the wounding event from her perspective.
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Physiological needs, safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
Now I’ll never achieve my dreams.
What they say about me is true (I’m a whore, I’m stupid, I’m irresponsible, etc.).
The baby is the cause of all my trouble.
Love is temporary.
People always leave when times get tough.
I don’t need anyone else.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Being abandoned again
The judgment of others
Being spiritually condemned
Always being alone
Being unable to care for herself and her baby
Never achieving a dream because all her time and resources will go toward being a mother
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Living in denial; going about life as if one isn’t pregnant
Hiding one’s pregnancy from others out of the fear that they, too, will respond with rejection
Choosing to have an abortion or give the baby up for adoption
Struggling to meet one’s physiological needs
Calling in favors from friends
Turning to people who are likely to help
Trying to reconcile with the offending party
Employing any means to get the offending party back (manipulation, lying, blackmail, etc.)
Becoming a taker; taking the help others give without offering anything in return
Being emotionally unavailable with others
Being so consumed with day-to-day living that other goals (improving oneself, making new friends, furthering one’s education, etc.) become impossible
Wallowing in self-pity or blame for what happened
Looking for a replacement partner
Blaming the child for one’s abandonment
Running the offending party down at every opportunity
Changing oneself in order to win back the person who left
Maintaining superficial relationships out of a fear of being rejected again
Worrying about one’s abilities to cope alone
Doubting one’s abilities as a mother
Lowering one’s standards for a mate if it means finding someone to help (any port in a storm)
Determining that one (or one’s child) will be a better person than those who did the abandoning
Finding a support group
Volunteering to help other women in one’s situation
>
Taking responsibility for one’s actions and maturing quickly in order to succeed
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Appreciative, ambitious, bold, centered, cooperative, courageous, disciplined, efficient, empathetic, focused, independent, mature, persuasive, resourceful, responsible, simple, supportive
Flaws: Apathetic, callous, childish, cynical, ignorant, inflexible, insecure, irresponsible, judgmental, manipulative, needy, nervous, resentful, self-indulgent, subservient, ungrateful, volatile
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Seeing couples work together to care for a new baby
Running into the baby’s father, who clearly wishes the meeting didn’t happen
Going to a pre-natal care group filled with couples who are happy about their pregnancies
Experiencing morning sickness or the baby kicking and moving around
Looking in the mirror and seeing the obvious signs of pregnancy
Attending medical appointments and weigh-ins
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Unable to find support, the character realizes that she can’t depend on others to help her but must take charge of her own health and the baby’s future
The pregnancy taking a turn for the worse that makes it more difficult to get by on one’s own
Meeting someone supportive who offers to help, then discovering they’re not who they claimed to be
Having an opportunity to help another who has been abandoned by loved ones in a time of need
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
BEING DISAPPOINTED BY A ROLE MODEL
EXAMPLES
Learning about a pastor’s affair
A teacher’s arrest or coach’s drug peddling being discovered
A parent being charged with propositioning a prostitute
An older sibling being caught selling drugs
A respected boss being caught embezzling from a business or nonprofit organization
A family member scamming seniors out of pension checks
A favorite uncle or aunt being accused of child abuse
One’s parent or sibling lying about a severe addiction (to drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc.)
Close friends who preach Christian values but are involved in unethical activities
A parent or close friend’s infidelity
A family member or friend who was on the take, like a police officer or judge
An athletic cousin who preached clean living but was caught doping for a competition
A beloved relative’s bad choices that led to public humiliation and dragged the family name through the mud
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Physiological needs, safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
People are all hypocrites.
I have no one to look up to.
I can’t be an example for others; I’ll just fail like everyone else.
Why try to be a good person when no one else is?
Why work hard when the world rewards cheaters?
I need to keep my distance from people so they can’t abuse my trust.
Following rules is for chumps.
At the end of the day, everyone is just out for themselves.
People pretend to be genuine, but they aren’t.
I need to be more of a taker if I want to make it in this world.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Trusting the wrong person
Vulnerability or being exposed in some way
Being taken advantage of
Moral failure (giving into temptation or being weak)
Those in authority or positions of power and influence (if this factored into the disillusionment)
Sharing ideas, beliefs, or convictions only to have them stolen or used against them
Responsibility; being viewed as a role model and failing others
Having to place their trust or fate in another’s hands
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Refusing to share information, especially anything personal
Being distrustful of others; always looking for ulterior motives
Avoiding close friendships or relationships and becoming unsocial
A suspicious nature that makes it difficult to relax around people
Adopting antisocial behaviors and encouraging others to buck the system to expose corruption (if this factored into the original disillusionment)
Watching what one says to avoid giving true feelings away
Antagonism and bias toward people who remind one of the disgraced role model
Avoiding a sport or activity tied to the person who caused the disillusionment
Refusing to make long-term plans or big goals, especially any that rely on others for success
Becoming unteachable; being unwilling to accept instruction from anyone
Cutting the guilty person, organization, or group out of one’s life
Being unable to forgive people, even for the smallest transgressions
Avoiding responsibility or decisions that may cause one to fail others
Developing high moral standards and condemning others who do not adhere to one’s beliefs
Confronting the role model
Determining to never disappoint those who view one as a role model
Actively seeking out young people to mentor so they’ll have a dependable influence in their lives
Fine-tuning one’s discernment capabilities so one can judge whether people are trustworthy or not
Finding trustworthy role models for one’s children and subtly pushing them toward those people
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Alert, analytical, bold, cautious, discreet, empathetic, honorable, hospitable, independent, just, kind, observant, pensive, perceptive, private, proactive, responsible, sensible, wise
Flaws: Abrasive, antisocial, apathetic, confrontational, cynical, defensive, dishonest, evasive, hostile, humorless, hypocritical, impulsive, judgmental, martyr, needy, obsessive, prejudiced, rebellious, resentful, stubborn, suspicious, timid, uncommunicative, vindictive, volatile, withdrawn
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
A news story where a beloved icon (an athlete, singer, or public figure) is caught breaking the law
Learning that the same person who let one down has done it again to someone else
Seeing one’s child be devastatingly disappointed by a role model he or she trusted
Friends acting hypocritical (e.g., telling their teens not to drink and drive but doing so themselves)
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Wanting to believe in something bigger than oneself but being afraid the leaders will only disappoint again
Failing in the same way one’s mentor failed in the past
Forgiving the role model’s indiscretion and becoming victimized by him or her again
Needing a mentor to help with a life decision but recognizing there is no one to turn to due to one’s inability to trust
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
BEING DISOWNED OR SHUNNED
EXAMPLES
Being kicked out of a group or organization one has been loyal to
Being excommunicated from a church
A child running away from home and not returning
A child’s abandonment by a parent
A family feud where one is not allowed contact with one’s grandchildren
One’s child seeking emancipation
An adult being shunned by his parents (after coming out, for converting to a different religion, for marrying outside of the family’s race, etc.)
Being disowned for getting pregnant out of wedlock
Being shunned for perceived disloyalty to the family (accusing a sibling of abuse, testifying against an uncle who was guilty of a crime, etc.)
BASIC NEED
S OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Physiological needs, safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I can’t survive without them.
I need to keep my distance from others so I won’t be hurt in this way again.
If I want people to accept me, doing what’s right must be secondary to loyalty.
I’m so terrible to be around; people want nothing to do with me.
If they could throw me aside so easily, they didn’t love me in the first place.
Love and acceptance are always conditional.
Takers take, and givers are discarded when they have no more to give.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Never finding acceptance
Being on their own and failing
Being abandoned again because of a failure or mistake
Never finding someone who will love or accept them unconditionally
That they are as weak (or disloyal, unsuitable, defective, etc.) as others say they are
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Bottling up one’s emotions
Experiencing a wide range of emotions (sadness, anger, depression, rage, etc.)
Feeling empty inside
Wanting to hurt the people responsible
Rejecting all lessons imparted by the offending party (throwing the baby out with the bathwater)
Obsessing over one’s choices that led to the disownment
Critical self-assessments that cause low self-esteem or even self-loathing
Looking for love wherever one can find it
Getting into new relationships that are as toxic as the previous one
Becoming depressed around the holidays and special occasions
Self-medicating
Using social media to stalk those who disowned one as a way of staying connected
Avoiding the places where one might run into former loved ones or group members
Becoming bitter and resentful
Maligning the offending party on social media
Holding grudges