The Emotional Wound Thesaurus: A Writer's Guide to Psychological Trauma

by Becca Puglisi

  RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS

  LEARNING THAT ONE’S PARENT HAD A SECOND FAMILY

  NOTES: To many, the scenario seems ridiculous, the stuff of fiction: a parent who has a second family, complete with children. How could that be perpetuated over the long term? How would the families not know? Yet it happens often enough to have become familiar. And with the seemingly impossible logistics of such a scenario, it’s no surprise that the parent does usually end up getting caught, leaving a trail of betrayal, lies, destroyed families, and wounded loved ones in their wake. Whether one makes this awful discovery as a child, teenager, or grownup, the results can be long lasting.

  BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Love and belonging, esteem and recognition

  FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED

  Given the choice, people will always choose someone else over me.

  If I had been better behaved (or smarter, prettier, etc.), he would have been happy with us.

  I’m defective in some way.

  I’m stupid; a smart person would have seen what was happening.

  Everybody lies.

  If I wasn’t enough for my mother (or father), I won’t be enough for anyone else.

  THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…

  The parent choosing the other family over theirs

  Being rejected by others

  Never finding someone who can love and accept them unconditionally

  Their family falling into poverty if the parent leaves

  Being lied to

  Betrayal by a person deemed trustworthy

  Ending up like the betraying parent

  POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS

  Denial and disbelief

  Dulling the pain through self-medication (or acting out, for younger victims)

  Feelings of anger and rage toward the offending parent

  Doubting oneself

  Wondering if the parent’s feelings were genuine at all or just an act

  Examining oneself for weaknesses and reasons why the parent might have done such a thing

  Perfecting perceived weaknesses to gain the parent’s love (doing well at school, making oneself more physically attractive, excelling at a sport, etc.)

  Becoming obsessed with the other family

  Distancing oneself from the guilty parent

  Determining to never be gullible or ignorant again

  Obsessing over past family details, looking for the clues one missed

  Trying to uncover other lies one has been told, believing there must be more

  Difficulty trusting others

  Becoming controlling as an adult

  Being confused by conflicting emotions (love, anger, shame, fear, etc.) about one’s parent

  Viewing other close family members with distrust, wondering if they’re being honest

  Withdrawing into oneself; not sharing with others

  Becoming very protective of the other parent, who was also duped

  Taking a hard stance on lying; disassociating from those who cross the line

  As an adult, worrying that one’s partner is lying and living a secret life

  Spying on one’s partner to make sure he or she is telling the truth

  Disdaining marriage

  Becoming independent so one won’t have to rely on others

  Accepting dishonesty and unfaithfulness from partners because it’s what one is used to

  Being drawn to men or women similar to the betraying parent

  Stifling one’s emotions; not expressing them

  Glomming onto anyone who shows one affection

  Choosing partners who are needy and dependent

  Talking to someone trustworthy about what happened

  Determining to always be honest with one’s children and to keep one’s word

  Working hard to never become like the offending parent

  PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM

  Attributes: Alert, bold, cautious, cooperative, curious, diplomatic, honest, honorable, idealistic, just, loyal, mature, merciful, obedient, observant, proper, responsible, talented

  Flaws: Abrasive, controlling, dishonest, disloyal, humorless, insecure, irrational, jealous, manipulative, needy, nervous, nosy, obsessive, paranoid, perfectionist, possessive, rebellious

  TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND

  Wanting to talk about what happened but being shut down by other family members

  Coming in second (in a contest or game, or being picked last for a team)

  Being rejected in favor of someone who is better in some way (being turned down for a promotion, a potential lover choosing to be with someone else, etc.)

  Discovering the person one is dating is also dating someone else

  OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND

  After reliving this betrayal with a partner, one resolves to date more carefully, since one deserves better

  Experiencing unconditional love with a partner and realizing that the betraying parent’s choice to seek a family elsewhere speaks to their shortcomings, not one’s own

  Despite achieving a difficult life-long dream, one is unable to grasp contentment and realizes that only through accepting oneself (weaknesses and all) can true happiness be found

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  LEARNING THAT ONE’S PARENT WAS A MONSTER

  EXAMPLES: Learning that one’s mother or father…

  Was a pedophile

  Has committed murder

  Was a serial killer

  Abused children (physically, emotionally, or both)

  Liked to cause animals pain or kill them for fun

  Poisoned people to make them sick

  Kidnapped people and enslaved them in a hidden basement or at another property

  Was a human trafficker

  Exploited vulnerable people for personal gain

  Practiced sacrifices and taboo blood rituals

  Was a cannibal

  Liked to torture others

  BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization

  FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED

  How did I not see the signs? My judgment can’t be trusted.

  Everything I know is a lie.

  My mom (or dad) isn’t human, so maybe I’m not either.

  People will judge me no matter what I do because of this, so why try to fit in?

  My parent never loved me—how could they, and do what they did?

  I need to stay away from people for their own protection.

  I can never accomplish anything worthy or great with this hanging over me.

  People will only see me as the child of a pedophile (or serial killer, madman, etc.) so I have to keep this a secret from everyone.

  People will target me now, so I can never let down my guard.

  THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…

  Themselves and what they might be capable of because they have the same genes

  People discovering who their parent is

  Being universally hated

  Reporters, the media, and other information-gathering sources

  Being thrust into the public eye

  Trusting the wrong person with the truth

  Becoming a mother or father and passing along defective genes

  POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS

  Changing one’s identity (adopting a new name, creating a false history, etc.)

  Struggling with one’s identity and having low self-worth

  Having mixed emotions regarding the parent

  Moving when one feels threatened (even if it is just in one’s own mind)

  Keeping secrets

  Avoiding relationships (friendships and romantic ones)

  Keeping to oneself; not engaging with neighbors or one’s community

  Avoiding family members and friends from one’s past

  Avoiding social media

  Frequently searching one’s na
me on social media to see if anything comes up

  Avoiding places and situations that serve as a reminder of what one’s parent did

  Beating oneself up for normal urges and thoughts, believing they’re indications of something sinister

  Refusing to read books or watch movies with situations that hit close to home

  Obsessively reading books or watching movies close to one’s situation to gain insight and answers

  Deciding not to have children

  Striving for independence so one never has to rely on anyone again

  Choosing a job that has little opportunity for human interaction

  Going off the grid in an effort to keep one’s parentage a secret

  Constantly re-examining old clues to see if one should have known what was going on

  Blaming oneself for the victim’s pain because one didn’t see what was happening

  Surreptitiously keeping track of the victims or their families to see how they’re doing

  Throwing oneself into social awareness associated with the parent’s crime

  Anonymously doing something for a victim’s family as a way of making restitution (paying off medical bills, asking a therapist friend to reach out, arranging for a paid vacation, etc.)

  Refusing to let the parent’s crime keep one from succeeding in life

  PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM

  Attributes: Appreciative, calm, centered, courageous, disciplined, focused, generous, gentle, honorable, independent, industrious, introverted, just, kind, loyal, merciful, nurturing, patient, pensive, protective, socially aware, wise

  Flaws: Addictive, antisocial, compulsive, confrontational, cynical, defensive, dishonest, evasive, fanatical, humorless, impulsive, inhibited, insecure, jealous, martyr, morbid, needy, paranoid, pessimistic, rebellious, resentful, self-destructive, temperamental, timid, uncommunicative, uncooperative, withdrawn, worrywart

  TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND

  Being approached by a police officer (if this is how one learned the truth about one’s parent)

  Media coverage of a similar crime, such as captives being discovered in an underground dungeon

  Sensory stimuli associated with the parent (their accent, having one’s hair ruffled, etc.)

  Seeing people who match the victim’s type (redheads, new mothers, prostitutes, etc.)

  Being questioned in a related case because of one’s association with the guilty parent

  OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND

  Being asked to testify but knowing that doing so will make one’s parentage public

  Being confronted by one of the victims

  Having one’s new identity cracked by an investigative journalist or private detective

  A victim offering forgiveness despite one being unable to forgive oneself

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  LOSING A LOVED ONE DUE TO A PROFESSIONAL’S NEGLIGENCE

  EXAMPLES: Experiencing the death of a loved one…

  At the hands of an inexperienced or impaired medical practitioner

  From being given the wrong medication

  In a mass transit crash (bus, taxi, plane, train, etc.) where the operator was under the influence

  From illegal chemicals or toxins used in the construction of their home

  From food poisoning contracted at a restaurant or through improperly managed grocery items

  When a negligent chef serves food the loved one is deathly allergic to

  At the public pool while the lifeguard wasn’t paying attention

  In the care of an inattentive babysitter

  From a misdiagnosis

  When poorly constructed scaffolding collapses on a busy sidewalk

  In a hostage standoff being overseen by an incompetent negotiator

  Due to excessive or unnecessary police force

  In a freak skydiving or bungee jumping accident with an inept instructor or defective equipment

  In a car accident due to an automotive defect caused by either the manufacturer or a mechanic

  On a poorly maintained amusement park ride

  When a therapist doesn’t notice or act upon signs of suicide

  BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging

  FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED

  My instincts don’t work; I was a fool for trusting the doctor (or the system, the police, etc.).

  It’s my fault for putting my trust in the wrong person (or company, institution, etc.).

  I can’t keep my loved ones safe.

  I wasn’t thorough enough in my research.

  I am powerless. Something like this could happen again and I can’t do a thing about it.

  THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…

  Places associated with the loved one’s death, such as a hospital, ski hill, or jail cell

  Sensory triggers (the smell of diesel, the sound of helicopter rotors, the taste of soy sauce, etc.)

  Losing another loved one unexpectedly

  The practitioner going unpunished and someone else dying as a result

  POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS

  Being unable to forgive the guilty party

  Taking personal vengeance on the one to blame

  Adopting an attitude of apathy and despair

  Becoming overly protective of remaining loved ones

  Becoming safety conscious to the degree that it impacts relationships and impairs happiness

  Looking for the dangers, faults, and flaws in everything

  Struggling with enjoying life and relaxing in the moment

  Feeling helpless and disillusioned about how the world works

  Blaming God for the random senselessness of it all

  Losing one’s faith or growing stronger in it

  Needing someone to blame for every little thing that happens

  Lacking closure; always wondering why it happened and how one could have avoided it

  Avoiding places similar to the location where the death happened

  Pulling away from loved ones out of the fear of getting too close and losing them too

  Isolating oneself

  Self-medicating

  Difficulty choosing new practitioners (and making choices in general) that could have repercussions

  Focusing so much on the lost loved one that others are neglected

  Suing the responsible person or company

  Striking out at the guilty party through social media attacks, poor reviews, and billboard notices

  Going on a quest to find answers for closure

  Working to ensure nothing like this happens to anyone else

  Vetting new companies; not accepting their trustworthiness without proof

  Forgiving oneself for, and letting go of, perceived guilt

  Starting a charity to honor the loved one’s memory

  Cherishing every moment with remaining loved ones; not taking anything for granted

  PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM

  Attributes: Affectionate, appreciative, bold, disciplined, empathetic, focused, idealistic, just, passionate, pensive, persistent, persuasive, protective, sentimental, spiritual

  Flaws: Abrasive, addictive, apathetic, callous, confrontational, controlling, humorless, inattentive, morbid, nagging, obsessive, pessimistic, possessive, resentful, self-destructive, suspicious, ungrateful

  TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND

  Having to visit the same kind of establishment and trust those employed there

  Needing to find a new doctor or professional and being paralyzed with fear and indecision

  Hearing about a professional’s negligence that results in someone’s death

  Seeing TV lawsuit ads for no-fault injuries and malpractice suits

  Discovering that the practitioner is back at work

  OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND

  An emergency situation where one must make a decision regarding the welfare
of a loved one

  Upon learning that the professional has opened his doors in another town, one must fight to permanently put him out of business, reliving the wounding event in the process

  A situation where one realizes that one can’t be responsible everything—including taking the blame for the death that occurred

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  MISPLACED LOYALTY

  EXAMPLES

  Learning that one was a pawn for someone else

  Being used by a love interest to get to one’s best friend

  Discovering that a friend used the relationship to gain access to a popular group, club, or organization

  Defending a friend and discovering that he or she was guilty of the accusation

  Being thrown under the bus by a family member

  Trusting a mentor with a secret only to have him or her tell someone else

  Overhearing a close friend’s hurtful gossip

  Being excluded from one’s group based on unfair criteria like race, sexual orientation, immaturity, personal values, etc.

  Having a family member choose someone else over oneself

  Standing by someone who doesn’t return the favor when the chips are down

  Being physically intimate with someone and learning the person wasn’t interested in a relationship

  Doing a favor for a friend, then learning that the activity was illegal (e.g., delivering a package that ended up containing drugs, evidence in a court case, or laundered money)

  Being let down by a trusted organization or social system

  Telling the police the truth but not being believed

  Having one’s ideas or work stolen by a relative

  BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Love and belonging, esteem and recognition

  FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED

  I can’t trust my own instincts.

  I’m so gullible; I believe anything anyone says to me.