The best way to solve problems is by ditching the people causing them.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Experiencing abandonment as an adult (e.g., one’s child choosing to live with the ex)
That no one will love them due to their deep flaws
Rejection (being chosen last, excluded, or forgotten)
Connecting with others and opening themselves up to hurt
Doing the wrong thing and driving people away
Never belonging or being accepted
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Seeking out relationships that are conditional (transaction-based, one-night stands, where the roles are limited and clearly defined, etc.)
Engaging in superficial personal relationships
Viewing sexual interest as love
Not getting attached to people
Needing to be in control
Convincing oneself that certain things don’t matter (close relationships, dreams that are hard to achieve, love, etc.)
Refusing to get a pet because it will one day die and leave one alone
Trying to be the best at everything to prove one has value
Doing things in hopes of earning approval
Negative thoughts that sabotage one’s self-worth
Settling rather than trying for something better (e.g., keeping a job one hates)
Being a people pleaser
Needing to be complimented, catered to, and reassured of one’s value
Poor relationships with one’s siblings, especially if they were treated differently growing up
Choosing a life where one is alone and doesn’t need other people for anything
Trust issues; having a difficult time asking for help
Abandoning others before they can leave
Encouraging others to be dependent so they won’t leave
Using sarcasm, unfriendliness, or undesirable behaviors to keep people at a distance
Choosing an unfulfilling career that one’s parents will approve of
Choosing a career that has limited involvement with people
Living off the grid
Being highly protective or possessive of others
Not keeping in touch with family, especially one’s parents
Not tolerating rivals; either taking them out or disengaging so one doesn’t have to compete
Choosing easy goals to avoid disappointment
Antagonism toward authority figures
Struggling with self-identity, especially if brainwashing was part of one’s past
Difficulty opening up to others and forming close bonds
Becoming an advocate for others
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Cautious, disciplined, discreet, empathetic, independent, industrious, introverted, nature-focused, obedient, persistent, private, protective, resourceful
Flaws: Abrasive, antisocial, controlling, disloyal, grumpy, hypocritical, inhibited, insecure, jealous, judgmental, needy, obsessive, paranoid, perfectionist, promiscuous
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Family reunions or get-togethers
Being exposed to loving and accepting family units
Real or perceived failures, such as being turned down for a date or job
Places similar to those one had to attend as a child, such as a reformatory or church
A disapproving tone of voice
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Having to travel often for work, thereby leaving loved ones at home
Going through a divorce
Meeting someone who is open, accepting, and offers unconditional love no matter what
Being valued and loved by a parental figure (e.g., a neighbor who takes one fishing)
After standing up for a belief and being cast out as a “troublemaker,” one realizes that the problem lies with other people rather than with oneself
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
BEING THE PRODUCT OF RAPE
NOTES: This discovery, at any age, will be difficult and can lead to many self-worth and identity concerns. But the fallout can have greater impact if the child learns of his or her lineage at a formative age or during an already difficult time. Other factors to consider are the responses of those around the child who know about the situation, if the child was abused or mistreated as a result, and if he or she was raised by a biological parent or adoptive ones.
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I am a monster because the same blood flows through my veins.
I am unworthy of being loved.
This curse will follow me forever. I am tainted.
If people discover what I am, they will despise me.
Life would be easier if I was dead.
My parents would never have adopted me if they’d known.
My mother would have aborted me if she could have.
I’m defective, a ticking time bomb.
My life is a constant reminder of the evil in this world.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
That deviancy is genetic
Sexual contact
Their own children growing violent or become offenders
People finding out and passing judgment, which will lead to rejection and abandonment
Being targeted for the parent’s crime
Never finding someone who can overlook their past
Becoming a victim of violence as a sort of karmic justice
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Lacking confidence and self-esteem
Feeling guilty for being alive; having suicidal thoughts
Believing one’s identity will always be The Child Of A Rapist
Pulling away from friends, hobbies, and activities
Finding it hard to concentrate on other things
Feeling empty, emotionally numb, and depressed
Struggling to find joy in life
Going through periods of self-disgust and self-loathing
Sabotaging promising relationships because one believes one deserves to be punished
Trying too hard (to be beautiful, talented, good, etc.) out of a desire to be loved
Feeling shame and humiliation, as if people will immediately know that one is the product of rape
Studying the faces of strangers and wondering who the rapist was
Wanting to know more about the rapist because he is one’s parent, and feeling guilty about it
Looking for signs that those who know are disengaging or have secret negative feelings
Clinging to people out of a fear of rejection
Keeping one’s past a secret and being terrified others will find out
Questioning one’s maternal or paternal abilities
Always putting the needs of others first; sacrificing one’s happiness, needs, desires, etc.
Developing an eating disorder
Believing one is the cause of a loved one’s unhappiness
Self-medicating with drugs or alcohol
Believing one has to prove oneself in order to have value
Becoming a workaholic in order to become the best in one’s field
Becoming aware of the unfairness of certain labels in society
Questioning how people judge; believing that a person’s present actions, as opposed to those from the past, are what matters
Trying to focus on one’s good qualities rather than things outside one’s control
Seeking therapy to process one’s complicated feelings
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Affectionate, appreciative, courageous, curious, empathetic, nurturing, protective, unselfish
Flaws: Addictive, impulsive, inhibited, insecure, irrational, martyr, needy, obsessive, paranoid, scatterbrained, self-destructive, subservient, suspicious, timid, withdrawn, workahol
ic, worrywart
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
One’s birthday
When a friend announces she’s pregnant
Receiving a friend or family member’s birth announcement
TV shows or movies that feature rape as part of the story line
Media coverage of rapists or violence against women
Seeing items that one knows were part of the rape (a knife, a gun, duct tape, etc.)
Going through old files and finding one’s adoption paperwork
Being contacted by one’s birth mother
Walking by an abortion clinic
Seeing a pro-life or pro-choice protest
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
The parole of one’s rapist parent
Discovering a support group for others in the same situation and having to decide whether to share one’s feelings or try to cope alone
Locating one’s biological parents and wanting to contact them
Discovering that one’s biological parent is dying
A desire to have children
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
EXPERIENCING THE DEATH OF A PARENT AS A CHILD OR YOUTH
NOTES: A parent dying—from an illness, accident, or another cause—is especially difficult when one is a child or young adult. In this case, a parental death leaves a huge void. The potency of this wound may be especially difficult if violence was involved, if the death was unexpected, or the relationship was strained. The dynamic between the child and the remaining parent (if there was one) and the quality of care given would also effect the depth of the scar caused by this event.
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
People die when you need them most.
It’s better to hold back than love someone completely.
Nothing is certain, so why worry about the future?
I will never have a relationship as good as the one I lost.
I won’t be a good mother (or father) because I had no role model to show me how.
If I’m too busy to think, I won’t have to feel.
I am a burden to the people around me.
People don’t want to hear about my pain so it’s best to just shut up about it.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Losing a loved one
Dying and what comes afterward
Being abandoned or rejected
Places, events, or situations similar to the ones that led to the parent’s death
The vulnerability that comes with fully loving someone
Getting sick (if symptoms were part of the parent’s death)
Being responsible for others and failing them
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Viewing life differently due to a loss of innocence
Regressing to an earlier age (if one is still a child)
Insomnia or restless sleeping habits
Physical aches, pains, and stomach issues
Anxiety and depression
Panic attacks and separation anxiety disorder, especially if the parent was taken violently
Difficulty feeling truly secure
Becoming overly-sentimental and wanting to live in the past
Guilt, shame, or anger as one’s memory of the parent grows foggy over time
Feeling resentment or envy of people who have both parents
A lack of ambition
Having a difficult time imagining the future
Self-medicating with drugs or alcohol
Engaging in self-harm
Difficulties managing stress; feeling overwhelmed
Becoming overly attached to people and things, which could escalate to hoarding
Using work as a shield to avoid people and relationships
Becoming fiercely self-reliant so one never has to depend on others
Acting out through deviant behavior (committing crimes, abusing alcohol or drugs, etc.)
Struggling with situations that lack structure or boundaries
Choosing emotional numbness over feeling deeply
Struggling with building healthy, balanced relationships
Imagining how one could die
Becoming a hypochondriac
Worrying about others and what will happen in the future
Growing superstitious when it comes to death or keeping loved ones safe
A memory block that affects one’s recall of the dead parent (if one was young when it happened)
Deeply wanting and needing nurturing but being unable to ask for it
A feeling of incompleteness that persists throughout life
Associating love and acceptance with sexual activity
Not wanting to celebrate personal life events because it’s too painful without one’s parent
Thinking often about who one would be and what life would be like if one’s parent was still alive
Appreciating small things that most people overlook
Noticing the absence of things more than other people do
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Affectionate, appreciative, courageous, diplomatic, discreet, gentle, imaginative, independent, introverted, kind, loyal, mature, nurturing, observant, patient, philosophical, protective, responsible, sentimental, spiritual, unselfish
Flaws: Addictive, antisocial, compulsive, dishonest, disorganized, disrespectful, evasive, forgetful, humorless, impulsive, inhibited, insecure, irresponsible, jealous, judgmental, materialistic, morbid, needy, nervous, obsessive, oversensitive, perfectionist, possessive, promiscuous, self-destructive, subservient, superstitious, temperamental, uncommunicative, uncooperative, volatile, whiny, withdrawn, workaholic, worrywart
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
The date of the parent’s death
Special life events (graduation, getting married, having a baby, buying a home, etc.)
A difficult decision or personal struggle where parental advice would be welcome
Losing a loved one to death or divorce
Big holidays that reinforce the specialness of family (Christmas, Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, etc.)
Attending funerals
Coming across old mementos
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Losing a second parent or grandparent
A living parent growing ill
Becoming a parent oneself
Meeting someone who suffered a similar loss and being able to process it together
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
GROWING UP IN A CULT
NOTES: A cult is characterized as a fringe organization (often, but not always, defined by a religious belief system) that espouses ideologies and practices believed by others to be dangerous or extreme. This entry will focus on people who were once ensconced in a cult but at some point escaped or turned their backs on it.
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I am weak-minded.
I’m an easy target.
My judgment can’t be trusted.
I’ll never be free from the ideas that were put into my mind.
All religions are out to brainwash and control people.
You can never really trust an organization’s stated motivation.
I’m a disloyal or selfish person (for leaving the cult and one’s family and friends).
I can’t trust anyone.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Their children being pulled into a cult
Someone finding out they were associated with the cult
Organized religion in general
Being manipulated or controlled by anyone
Being on their own
Having to make decisions
Not being able to trust their own mind (due to the cult’s brainwashing)
Being assaulted, especially if physical, sexual, or emotional abuse was common within the cult
Any entity perceived to be involved in the spreading of misinformation, such as the media or government
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Avoiding or despising religious groups and organizations
Becoming controlling (in an effort to avoid being controlled again)
Avoiding organized groups, even those that aren’t religious in nature
Keeping one’s guard up with others
Being extremely private
Suffering from low self-esteem and feelings of low self-worth
Reacting with anger if someone crosses a privacy line
Difficulty making decisions for oneself
Feeling conflicted about one’s time in the cult
Keeping secrets
Difficulty recognizing truth from fiction (due to brainwashing by cult members)
Questioning one’s decisions; worrying that one’s choices are poor ones
Withdrawing from others out of a fear of not being able to trust their motives
Worrying about being taken advantage of by others
Being paranoid that one is being pursued by members of the cult
Suspecting others of dishonesty and deceit
Worrying over the fate of loved ones still in the cult
Being overly cautious; avoiding risk
Distrusting certain aspects of the outside world that one was taught were bad
Feeling isolated by one’s experience
Difficulty assimilating into society
Struggling with guilt over leaving one’s family and friends behind
Fearing what will happen to one’s eternal soul due to leaving the cult
Defending the cult and its practices
Depression and panic attacks
Confusion regarding healthy relationships (what they look like, what appropriate boundaries are, etc.)
Adhering to and acting on deeply ingrained superstitions related to the cult (engaging in ceremonial cleansings, prayers, etc.)
Being overly protective of one’s children
The Emotional Wound Thesaurus: A Writer's Guide to Psychological Trauma Page 33