Becoming studious so one can make informed decisions and not be easily led by others
Keeping a journal and writing about what one experienced as a way of working through it
Developing discernment; more easily recognizing manipulation and propaganda
Teaching one’s children how to tell truth from deception
Pursuing independence
Joining a support group for ex-cult members
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Analytical, appreciative, cautious, independent, industrious, persistent, persuasive, protective
Flaws: Antisocial, callous, controlling, cynical, defensive, evasive, inflexible, inhibited, insecure, judgmental, nervous, paranoid, possessive, rebellious, resentful, self-destructive, subservient, timid, uncooperative, volatile, weak-willed, withdrawn
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Bumping into someone from the cult
A friend’s growing enthusiasm for an organization or religion
A member of a group or organization aggressively pursuing one to join
Being in a workplace with very stringent rules
Seeing a news story about a cult on TV or online
Overhearing others talking disparagingly about one’s former cult
Hearing a viewpoint on an issue that opposes what was taught in the cult, and having difficulty deciding for oneself what is right and what is wrong
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
A family member being drawn into a belief system that one fears might be extreme
Suspecting that one is being stalked or watched by members of the cult
Being blamed and shamed by family members who are still part of the organization
Being contacted by a loved one stuck in the cult who wants help getting out
A journalist or police officer asking for details about one’s childhood
Pursuing a relationship and having to choose whether to lie about one’s past or tell the truth
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
GROWING UP IN FOSTER CARE
EXAMPLES: Being placed in foster care due to…
One’s surviving parent passing away and not having any relatives to take responsibility
One’s parents dying and relatives being unwilling to take one in
Being taken away from drug-addicted or otherwise neglectful parents
Being given up for adoption but never finding a home
Being abandoned by one’s parent
A parent’s abuse causing one to be removed from the home
Being given up because of one’s extreme behavioral, medical, or cognitive challenges
One’s only parent being incarcerated, hospitalized, or placed in a mental facility
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Physiological needs, safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I am defective.
I am unworthy of love.
This world only cares about people who are whole (if one has a disability or specific challenge).
I don’t know who I am.
I will never find a place to belong or call home.
No one wants someone who’s broken.
People are inherently cruel.
The powerful always take advantage of the weak.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Loving or becoming connected to someone only to lose them
Rejection and abandonment
Poverty
Being bullied, abused, and hurt
Trusting someone and being betrayed
That life will never get better
Becoming attached to any person or place
People in positions of strength, power, and authority
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Behavioral volatility; growing angry quickly
Keeping secrets and being uncommunicative
Lying or making up untruths, even when they aren’t important
Telling people what they want to hear
Being highly private
Being very protective of one’s possessions and close relationships
Avoiding locations, activities, and groups that have a strong family focus
Keeping a bug-out bag or secret stash of items in case one has to leave quickly
Steering conversations away from personal topics
Pushing people away as a defense mechanism
Difficulty sharing certain things
Craving routine, yet being unable to adapt to it easily
Wanting stability and permanence but questioning whether one deserves these things
Looking for exits; being watchful for danger or threats
PTSD symptoms (being in constant fight-or-flight mode, startling easily, etc.)
Trust issues; difficulty taking people at their word
Daydreaming of a future time when one is independent and not under the thumb of others
Being disdainful of promises due to a desire to avoid more disappointment
Difficulty asking for help, relying on people, or admitting that one needs others
Being surprised when people follow through or do what they say
A tendency to hoard certain things (money, food or items symbolizing what one was denied, etc.)
Being emotionally unattached in relationships; choosing partners for convenience or shared goals
Viewing sex as being different than intimacy
Living sparsely; not forming attachments to places or things, yet craving something permanent
Being highly empathetic; wanting to save others who are at risk and going to great lengths to do so
Becoming fiercely loyal to the few people one allows to get close
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Adaptable, alert, analytical, cautious, courageous, disciplined, idealistic, imaginative, independent, introverted, just, loyal, mature, nurturing, observant, perceptive, persuasive, private, proactive, protective, resourceful, sentimental, thrifty, wise
Flaws: Abrasive, addictive, antisocial, apathetic, confrontational, cruel, cynical, devious, dishonest, evasive, hostile, inhibited, insecure, jealous, judgmental, manipulative, needy, paranoid, pessimistic, rebellious, reckless, resentful, self-destructive, stubborn, temperamental, uncommunicative, violent, withdrawn
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Someone failing to show up when they said they would
A break-up that causes one to be alone again
Seeing parents who are mistreating or ignoring their children
Sensory or situational reminders of one’s negative foster care experiences (a ratty towel, being in an enclosed space, smelling an odor associated with an abusive caregiver, etc.)
Finding oneself back in the foster home’s neighborhood
Being innocently asked about one’s childhood or hometown
Family-centric holidays that reinforce connection and closeness, such as Thanksgiving and birthdays
Locations where families typically gather (picnic sites, campgrounds, amusement parks, etc.)
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Being in an accident that could have left one’s child parentless, and realizing one needs other people
Trying to help a distressed foster child but being unable to draw him or her out
Wanting to become an advocate for children (perhaps by becoming a foster parent or social worker)
Desiring a relationship with someone who also struggles with trust and connection
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
GROWING UP IN THE PUBLIC EYE
EXAMPLES
Coming from a family with extreme wealth
Having a parent who is important and well connected (e.g., the head of a government organization)
Having a parent who is a famous movie star, entertainer, athlete, etc.
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br /> Being part of a royal family
Being part of a very old and powerful family—of aristocrats, for example
Having an infamous parent, such as a serial killer or terrorist bomber
Being famous oneself (a singing prodigy, an actor, a beauty queen, etc.)
Being famous for an unusual talent, like being able to talk to the dead or heal people
Coming from a political family (of senators, governors, diplomats, etc.)
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I don’t know who I am, just what I’m supposed to be.
I can’t afford to make mistakes.
People expect me to be just like my famous mother (or father, grandparent, etc.).
Everyone wants me to fail because I’m famous.
People only want to use me for my fame.
The cards are stacked against me. (if one’s fame is negative)
Without my fame, I am nothing.
I have the same genes; what if I’m a monster too? (if the fame came from a parent’s notoriety)
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Trusting the wrong person
Public embarrassment
Making a decision that will haunt them forever
Never measuring up
Letting people down
Taking risks
Being vulnerable and being taken advantage of or betrayed
A secret being discovered that could ruin their reputation
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Being obsessive about one’s appearance (clothing, hair, behavior, etc.)
Holding back rather than taking risks out of a fear of publicly screwing up
Being more mature than one’s peers; having to grow up fast in the limelight
Being unable to relate to “regular” peers
Keeping secrets or avoiding voicing one’s opinion
Obsessing over one’s imperfections
Being very hard on oneself
False bravado; pretending to be overly confident
Having few genuine close friendships
Becoming a “mean girl” or something similar to shield oneself from haters
Doing what one is told and not thinking for oneself
Working hard and not making time for oneself; trying to keep up with expectations
Engaging in anonymous activities to feel like a regular person (wearing disguises, visiting chat boards with a fake name, etc.)
Using alcohol to loosen up and not feel so self-conscious
Using drugs to cope with high expectations or to escape
Purposely acting in ways that defy the expectations of others
Becoming entitled; believing one is above the law
Trying to buy one’s way into situations or out of trouble
Needing things to be bigger, better, and riskier to enjoy them
Not knowing who one is because one is always playing a part for the media
Messy burnouts and meltdowns from the pressure
Seeking therapy (and help for addictions, if one has them)
Striving to distinguish oneself in healthy ways
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Adaptable, cautious, cooperative, courteous, disciplined, discreet, extroverted, generous, hospitable, independent, introverted, kind, loyal, mature, meticulous, obedient, organized, patient, private, proactive, proper, responsible, sentimental, socially aware, sophisticated, supportive, talented, unselfish
Flaws: Addictive, callous, cocky, compulsive, confrontational, cynical, defensive, evasive, extravagant, foolish, frivolous, fussy, haughty, hypocritical, impatient, insecure, irresponsible, lazy, materialistic, melodramatic, paranoid, pretentious, rebellious, reckless, self-destructive, self-indulgent, selfish, tactless, temperamental, timid, vain, volatile, whiny, workaholic
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Discovering that a trusted friend is only interested in one’s fame and lifestyle
A friend revealing one’s well-kept secret
Being ripped apart in the media for spurning reporters
Being misrepresented in the tabloids
Being swarmed by paparazzi or fans when one was hoping to get away and de-stress
Having one’s privacy invaded by the media
An entitled fan demanding an autograph or a selfie
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Watching friends with normal lives follow their own paths, and wanting to do the same
Developing a drug habit or other vice that is not sustainable
Having a dream that conflicts with family expectations
Developing depression and anxiety disorders that cause one to contemplate suicide
Having a sibling who is struggling with the pressure and knowing they need an advocate
Watching one’s child having difficulty relating to others
Trying hard to maintain a clean public image, then being maligned by the media for something one didn’t do
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
GROWING UP IN THE SHADOW OF A SUCCESSFUL SIBLING
EXAMPLES: Growing up with a brother or sister who…
Excelled at a sport
Was gifted in the arts
Succeeded academically
Was a celebrity
Was a prodigy
Was extremely popular or well-liked
Was incredibly beautiful or handsome
Excelled at everything he or she did
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I’m ugly (or stupid, clumsy, etc.).
I’m not good at anything.
I will never be able to distinguish myself.
I have nothing to offer.
I can’t compete, so it’s pointless to try.
People will always be more interested in my sibling than in me.
No matter what I do in life, it won’t be good enough.
If you want people to love you, you have to stand out.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Never being able to distinguish himself
Inadequacy
Failing (and proving their inferiority)
Being loved less than the sibling
Being pitied
Conditional love
Taking risks and ending up worse off than they are now
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Pursuing an interest other than the one in which a sibling excels (even if one loves the same things)
Being driven to succeed
Struggling with low self-worth
Needing desperately to distinguish oneself
Always feeling one-upped by the sibling
Friction with the sibling caused by one’s inferiority complex
Constantly competing with the sibling out of a desire to beat them at anything
Having low expectations for oneself
Enjoying a sibling’s struggles or failures, then feeling guilty about it
Becoming needy out of a desire to gain affection
Adopting negative attention-seeking behaviors (being rebellious, fighting, abusing drugs, etc.)
Confusing the sibling’s kindness with pity, and rejecting it
Becoming devious or dishonest in order to appear more successful than one actually is
Undermining one’s sibling so he or she will lose favor with others
Rejecting one’s sibling as a peer; choosing friends who are part of a different peer group
Becoming subservient to one’s sibling; losing one’s sense of personal identity
Trying to be just like one’s sibling
Being always on the lookout for favoritism, especially with one’s parents and relatives
Becoming a pe
ople pleaser
Relishing praise and compliments but wondering if they’re genuine
Withdrawing from others
Using a sibling’s accomplishments to get what one wants (access to a club or group, attention from the opposite sex, etc.)
Purposely adopting positive traits that are different than one’s sibling’s (being merciful, easygoing, unselfish, etc.)
Healthily distancing oneself from the sibling to cut down on drama and conflict
Determining to take the high ground and support one’s sibling rather than tear them down
Seeking to mend the relationship
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Ambitious, charming, courteous, disciplined, empathetic, flirtatious, imaginative, independent, pensive, persistent, private, quirky, responsible, studious, supportive
Flaws: Catty, childish, cynical, devious, frivolous, humorless, insecure, irrational, lazy, needy, oversensitive, rebellious, resentful, temperamental, timid, vindictive, withdrawn
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
One’s plans being canceled when a commitment comes up for someone else, highlighting again that one isn’t a priority with others
Achieving something great but it being overshadowed by another’s accomplishment
Parents missing an important moment in one’s life to attend a sibling’s event
Discovering that one is being used by a friend to get to one’s sibling
As an adult, being constantly overshadowed by a co-worker, parent, or other person
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Discovering that one’s sibling is also dealing with identity issues and is wanting to choose a different path but feels unable to do so
One’s sibling turning to drugs to cope, and realizing that one can step in and offer support
One’s parents blatantly favoring the sibling’s children over one’s own, causing one to take action
Pursuing a passion despite a lack of giftedness and finding joy, regardless of the outcome
Wanting to be supportive and happy for a partner who has received acclaim
The Emotional Wound Thesaurus: A Writer's Guide to Psychological Trauma Page 34