The Emotional Wound Thesaurus: A Writer's Guide to Psychological Trauma

by Becca Puglisi

  Refusing to accept help from others

  Relocating to a place where one feels more secure

  Needing to be in control of everything

  No longer adhering to social norms due to the lengthy amount of time spent alone (ignoring personal space, undressing in public, not bathing, etc.)

  Difficulty being spontaneous

  Being a downer during group activities and outings because one is so risk-averse

  Deliberately putting oneself in those places as a way of facing one’s fears

  Educating oneself on survival skills

  Working to become more independent and skilled

  Planning ahead for emergencies (keeping a survival kit in the car, buying freeze-dried foods for an emergency stash, etc.)

  Appreciating small comforts

  Needing less materially than one did before the event

  PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM

  Attributes: Adaptable, alert, cautious, independent, observant, optimistic, patient, persistent, resourceful, sensible

  Flaws: Controlling, defensive, humorless, insecure, irrational, lazy, martyr, morbid, needy, nervous, obsessive, paranoid, pessimistic, possessive, rebellious, reckless, resentful, self-destructive, self-indulgent, selfish, superstitious, temperamental, timid, uncommunicative, uncooperative, withdrawn, worrywart

  TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND

  Getting lost, even in a safe place (while trying to find a new doctor’s office or visiting a friend in a different town, for instance)

  Knowing that a loved one will be entering the same place where one was lost

  Losing cell phone service while traveling

  Sensory input or sensations that remind one of the experience (uncontrolled shivering, the sound of wind through the trees, etc.)

  Extreme storms or weather that could lead to one being cut off from others

  Current events hinting at a coming war or apocalypse that could create a survival situation again

  Not having enough to eat or drink

  OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND

  Being asked to go to a place similar to the area where one was lost (winning a cruise through work, a child needing a chaperone on a camping trip, etc.)

  Developing a disorder (such as agoraphobia) from one’s ordeal

  A family member or friend who becomes lost and needs to be found and rescued

  Having children who wish to bond through experiencing the outdoors and wanting to provide this for them

  A child’s growing resentment when one consistently denies them the opportunity to do certain things (go on campouts, sail on a friend’s boat, etc.)

  RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS

  GIVING UP A CHILD FOR ADOPTION

  NOTES: The process for adoption has changed over the years, so if your character has given up a child, carefully research the time period when it occurred. Depending on the date and location, the adoption may have been closed regardless of what the mother wished, she may have been coerced or forced into giving up her baby, or the type of adoption (open, semi-open, or closed) may have been her choice.

  The level of pain this wound creates will likely depend on the reason for the adoption: to give one’s child a better life, because one was unable to care for a baby, due to a rape or unwanted pregnancy, if the adoption was required due to an incarceration, or something else. So dig into your character’s backstory as to why they made this choice.

  BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization

  FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED

  I would have been a terrible mother and my child is better off.

  My child must hate me, so I should stay away.

  If my child seeks me out, I should refuse to see him rather than have him learn what a disappointment I am.

  My child will never forgive me for giving him or her up.

  My child must hate me, and with good reason.

  My child will never believe how much I wanted her, so I shouldn’t try to explain.

  I gave up my child, so I deserve to be alone.

  THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…

  Meeting their child and disappointing him or her

  Facing a daughter or son’s anger at being given up

  Never knowing what happened to the child

  That the child knows they are adopted and is struggling with low self-worth because of it

  Family members discovering the adoption (if it was a secret)

  That the child is being mistreated, needs help, is sick, etc.

  Being rejected by family members for giving up the child

  The child may show up at the door one day

  The child will never seek them out

  POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS

  Feeling guilt and regret at giving up one’s child

  An inability to move past the event

  Breaking down and crying when one thinks about the child

  Angry outbursts that result from bottled-up feelings

  Self-medicating with alcohol or sedatives

  Feeling guilty when others discuss their own children and the trials of rearing them

  Wondering what one’s child looks like

  Looking into the mirror and trying to imagine which features the child might share

  Daydreaming about having a relationship with the child

  Seeing one’s resemblance in random children and wondering if they might be one’s child

  Struggling to care about day-to-day activities, like laundry, shopping, and work

  Anger at those who withheld support when the decision was made

  Anger at the birth father (for his abandonment, getting one pregnant, etc.)

  Alternating between jealousy of the adoptive parents and wishing them well for the child’s sake

  Buying small gifts for one’s child and hiding them away

  Buying age-appropriate clothing, then donating them to charity

  Depression around the child’s birthday and the day one gave him or her up

  Thoughts of suicide and feelings of low self-worth

  Searching social media or other public records to try and find one’s child

  Seeking to discover the child’s current identity

  Writing letters to one’s child and then hiding or destroying them so they cannot be found

  Dreams (positive and negative ones) that involve the child

  A deep sense of loss that never abates

  Imagining the child on important holidays (opening gifts at Christmas, blowing out candles on a birthday, etc.)

  Adopting another child or starting a family in hopes of easing the pain

  Learning to practice self-care and self-forgiveness

  PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM

  Attributes: Affectionate, bold, curious, empathetic, focused, idealistic, imaginative, loyal, nurturing, persistent, private, protective, resourceful, sentimental, unselfish

  Flaws: Cowardly, defensive, disorganized, impatient, impulsive, insecure, jealous, obsessive, resentful, self-destructive, subservient, uncommunicative, withdrawn, worrywart

  TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND

  Running into the birth father

  Birthdays and holidays

  Having to buy baby gifts for other new parents

  Discovering that a family member has chosen to terminate a pregnancy or adopt a child

  News coverage about abusive parents, especially adoptive ones

  Seeing a boy or girl that looks the way one imagines the relinquished child might look

  Businesses that cater to new parents

  Being in a restaurant or airplane where a crying baby is present

  TV commercials featuring babies

  Movies about adoption

  The relinquished child’s eighteenth birthday (when he or she can request birth documents)

  OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND

  A preg
nancy

  Being contacted by the relinquished child

  The adoption agency reaching out

  One’s family or spouse finding out about the child that was given up

  Being diagnosed with an illness where a familial donor is needed

  The desire to start a family

  A rekindled relationship with the birth father

  RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS

  HAVING AN ABORTION

  NOTES: The decision to have an abortion is never an easy one. Often this choice is the result of failed contraceptives, fetal birth defects, a pregnancy that is the product of rape or incest, an inability to care for and support a child, the pregnancy being unwanted, and when the mother, child, or both risk mortal danger if the pregnancy continues.

  This wound can effect both parents, but because it is the female’s body and she typically has ingrained maternal feelings regarding childbearing, this trauma impacts women more often than men. How a character deals with this event will depend on the circumstances, level of support, whether one was coerced into getting an abortion, one’s personal and spiritual beliefs, if violence or abuse was involved, and whether there was a legitimate threat to the mother or baby’s life.

  BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Love and belonging, esteem and recognition

  FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED

  I should have resisted the pressure. I am a terrible person for failing to protect my child.

  I should never have children as I am clearly unfit to be a parent.

  Because of what I did, I deserve the bad things that happen to me.

  If people discover what I did, they will shun me.

  Some secrets should never be told, no matter how much they hurt.

  Family only supports you in good times, not bad.

  Hard times reveal the truth: love is conditional.

  THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…

  Condemnation from the church

  That others will discover she had an abortion

  Getting pregnant again

  Being judged by God

  Being judged by loved ones

  That she may not be able to have children when the time is right

  POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS

  Feeling emotional numbness at times

  Periods of sadness and depression

  Suppressing one’s grief, especially when the abortion is a secret

  Sleeplessness and nightmares

  Self-medicating with alcohol or drugs

  Difficulty concentrating

  Avoiding people and places with children, especially babies

  Confusion and mixed emotions (relief that the crisis is over, grief at the loss, frustration at feeling one must keep it quiet, regret, etc.)

  Struggles with current relationships (providing the support one’s partner needs, viewing them differently if they pushed for the abortion, etc.)

  Having a difficult time pursuing new romantic relationships

  Developing an eating disorder

  Sexual dysfunction (a loss of pleasure, pain during intercourse, frigidity, avoiding sex, etc.)

  Suicidal thoughts, or acting on one’s suicidal thoughts

  Crying as feelings of grief or shame hit

  Isolating oneself; pulling away from family, friends, and one’s partner

  Putting on a false front to pretend one is fine

  Difficulty bonding with one’s other children out of guilt

  Finding it difficult to relax or enjoy the little things

  Becoming a workaholic

  Feeling guilty when putting one’s desires before others

  Trying to be a “super-parent” to one’s surviving children

  An obsession with what one’s child would have looked like had he or she been born

  Anger at people who pushed for the abortion or contributed to the situation that led to it

  Being plagued with doubt about important decisions

  Avoiding pregnancy, even if one wishes to be a parent

  Believing one is being punished when bad things happen

  Opening up about one’s abortion to someone trustworthy

  Going to a therapist to process one’s emotions

  Becoming a strong pro-life supporter or advocate for a woman’s right to choose

  PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM

  Attributes: Ambitious, analytical, discreet, empathetic, gentle, industrious, introverted, merciful, nurturing, private, proactive, protective, sentimental

  Flaws: Abrasive, addictive, defensive, forgetful, humorless, impulsive, insecure, judgmental, martyr, obsessive, promiscuous, subservient, superstitious

  TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND

  The baby’s due date

  Passing a playground filled with children

  Being invited to a baby shower

  Driving past abortion clinics

  When abortion issues become hot topics in the media

  Discovering that a friend is pregnant

  Seeing another mother neglect her child

  Having to purchase baby clothes for a friend or relative as a gift

  Seeing new mothers interact with their newborns

  Hearing traditional baby music or songs

  Seeing an ultrasound image of someone’s baby

  OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND

  Discovering one is pregnant

  Wanting to start a family

  Not wanting a friend who is considering abortion to go through it alone

  Trying to get pregnant but being unable to do so

  The desire to adopt and give another child a home

  Being advised by a doctor to terminate a new pregnancy due to health problems

  One’s daughter getting pregnant as a teen and needing advice about what to do

  RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS

  HAVING TO KILL TO SURVIVE

  EXAMPLES

  A forced initiation into a gang

  Killing to escape confinement or torture

  A parent protecting a child or himself from a stranger

  A parent protecting a child or herself from a violent spouse

  A child protecting a loved one

  Having to kill in battle (as a soldier) or as part of one’s job (a bank guard, police officer, etc.)

  Being forced to kill someone as part of a sadistic game or situation

  Killing to protect one’s vital resources in dire circumstances

  Killing to obtain vital resources (food, water, weapons) for one’s family

  A child being forced to become a soldier

  BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition

  FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED

  I am a violent and dangerous person. A monster.

  I did the unthinkable and so I am capable of anything.

  I will suffer damnation for what I’ve done.

  No one will ever trust me again.

  People look at me differently now.

  People are afraid to be around me because they think I’ll snap and commit violence.

  It doesn’t matter what I do, people will only see me as a killer.

  If you take a life, you don’t deserve to have one yourself.

  The world is an evil place.

  THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…

  What they are capable of

  Passing violent tendencies on to their children

  People finding out about what happened

  Loved ones leaving if they discover what happened

  Retribution or consequences (being arrested, the victim’s loved ones taking vengeance, their children being removed from the home, etc.)

  A specific people group or organization associated with the event

  Being judged for what they did

  POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS

  Self-loathing due to guilt or shame

  Becoming hardened

  Pulling a
way from loved ones

  Struggling with anxiety when people argue or fight

  PTSD symptoms (depression, anxiety, flashbacks, nightmares, etc.)

  Worrying that one chose the violent option instead of considering others

  Having to know where one’s loved ones are at all times (if retribution is a possibility)

  Difficulty building trust and friendships

  Reluctance to share personal information

  Assessing risks before making a decision

  Being unable to be spontaneous

  Reliving the killing over and over in one’s mind

  Self-medicating as a way of dealing with the guilt or shame

  Becoming angry

  Fearing one’s own anger and what one is capable of

  Experiencing broken sleep or insomnia

  Assuming the worst; having a pessimistic outlook

  A lack of faith in society and the good of people

  Difficulty relaxing or enjoying the little things

  Constantly noticing dangers and threats

  Being deceptive; lying easily to keep one’s actions hidden

  Turning to or away from religion

  Building an arsenal for self-protection

  Increasing the security protocol for one’s home and family

  Venturing into new relationships slowly and with caution

  Seeking to make amends to balance the scales (even if one’s guilt is unfounded)

  Becoming a pacifist; avoiding all conflict and friction

  PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM

  Attributes: Alert, appreciative, cautious, courageous, decisive, diplomatic, disciplined, independent, introverted, private, proactive, protective, resourceful, socially aware

  Flaws: Addictive, antisocial, controlling, cynical, defensive, impatient, inflexible, irrational, needy, paranoid, pessimistic, prejudiced, suspicious, timid, vindictive

  TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND

  Movies or TV shows depicting physical violence

  Coming upon the same type of object or weapon that one used to kill (knives on display in a store, one’s gun, etc.)