I feel my shoulders drop as I relax, but only a little. “I texted him,” I admit.
His eyes snap back to mine. “Dad threw his phone at the wall, smashed it.”
“Oh,” is all I can say. “What about you? Are you okay?”
He shrugs. “Yeah, I mean I have some bruising on my ribs, but I guess I got off lightly.”
I frown at his answer.
“Look, I know that some intense shit has gone down with you and Tarrant lately, and that has to be playing on your mind. I know you need to get things sorted with him, and I swear, Laura, I will help you with that, you’re my best friend. I promise I won’t let you down, but for right now we need to deal with Tarrant getting better, the police, and my mom. Once that’s done, we’ll be coming back to school. It just won’t be for a couple of weeks. Then I’ll do whatever you need. I fucking hate doing this to you.”
“I understand,” my reply is hollow because I feel like I’m in limbo. I know he’s right, he needs to focus on the other stuff right now, and I can accept that. His family need him, and Tarrant needs to get better. I offer Caden a small smile. “I came back here today to explain everything ‘cause I figured I owed you that much.”
“Thanks,” I tell him, sadness coating my word.
“I’m really sorry you got dragged into this… I’m sorry I dragged you into this,” he says running his finger down my cheek. “This is on me, but give me some time, and we’ll be back. I promise I’ll do my best to fix things. I swear, okay?”
I nod. There’s no way I can speak as my throat closes up. I watch as Caden gets up and throws money on the table before walking out.
I sit still for a few minutes. “He’s not worth it, sweetheart,” an older waitress says to me, slipping an ice cream sundae in front of me with a wink. I sigh. If only she knew.
“I’m not sure how this is supposed to help,” I tell Morgan, as I stare up at the sign advertising ice skating.
“I’m trying to take your mind off things. It’s been two days, honey.”
I bite my lower lip. “I know, but I was expecting to have heard from one of them by now.”
“Why don’t you text Caden?” she asks, knowing Tarrant’s phone was smashed.
“I want to, but I don’t want to disturb him. I’m thinking they need some family time right now.”
“Yeah, I suppose you’re right. But then you do, too. So come on, let’s go skating,” she tells me with a smile and a wink.
As Morgan glides around the rink, I cling to the sides for dear life, only shuffling along because there are children also clinging to the sides who are actually trying to move around. I consider making them go around me but figure most of them can’t be older than eight, and if they fall over because a grown woman won’t move from the side, I’d probably be chased out of here by angry moms with fire.
“Hey, you look like you’re having the time of your life.”
I look up from my feet and straight into dark brown eyes framed by long lashes.
“Yeah, I’m thinking of giving up,” I answer sighing.
“You want some help?” he asks and smiles. I look at him, he’s around six foot, dark blond hair tied up in a man bun, a short, tidy beard and by the look of his physique—which I can see through his almost skin-tight top—it’s pretty obvious he’s an active type of person.
“I think I’ll be safer off the ice, even someone who’s experienced would probably struggle with me.” I giggle. “You skate a lot?”
He smiles at me biting his lower lip and dimples pop out of his cheeks. “You could say that.”
“Well, I’m getting off the ice. You’re welcome to join me, but I have to warn you I’m not good company,” I tell him.
“Oh? And why’s that?” he asks following me as I shuffle toward the exit.
“It’s a whole long story, but basically I’m in love with this guy, and I haven’t heard from him in a couple of days. I’m worried ‘cause he was in the hospital, and also… I miss him,” I explain, amazed at my own willingness to share.
“Damn, sounds like you have a lot going on,” he replies. “I’m Coby,” he tells me as we continue walking.
“Laura,” I reply.
As we make our way to the benches, I take off my skates and think about how easy it was to talk to a complete stranger. I’ve come further in the last six months than I have in years.
Once I’ve put my high tops back on, we go to sit in the viewing area. Coby and I talk for a while, and I find out he’s twenty-three and been skating since he could walk. He says he lives locally but spends time away from home. I tell him all about school and touch the basics of the situation which he seems to understand. He says hello to a few people here and there, too.
“Boy, you really do skate a lot if all these people know you.”
“Yeah,” he says with what looks like a slight blush.
“I—” He’s about to say something but gets cut off by Morgan.
“Dammit, Laura, I thought you were still in the rink,” Morgan shouts coming to stand next to me. “I took my skates off and have been searching for you for fifteen minutes. I even texted your cell.”
“Oh shit! I think I put it in the locker in case it dropped out on the ice,” I explain.
Suddenly realizing we have an audience, Morgan’s eyes move to Coby.
“Oh, my shit! You’re Coby Ryland,” she squeals.
I look between them frowning as Coby rubs the back of his neck and yeah… he’s definitely blushing now.
“Oh my God, Laura, he’s a famous hockey player,” she tells me then continues to Coby. “Don’t mind her, she has no interest in sports.”
Coby looks at me and grins, so I shrug my shoulders.
“I should probably let you ladies get on with your day. It was nice talking to you, Laura, and if you ever fall out of love, you can usually find me here in this rink,” he says with a wink and ambles off.
“Damn girl, you sure know how to get these hot guys on your hook,” Morgan says watching Coby’s ass and fanning herself as he disappears.
I snap my fingers in front of her face and she turns to me, albeit grudgingly. “Can we go now?” I whine, and she rolls her eyes.
“Fine.”
I walk over to our locker and open it, claiming my cell, purse, and keys, then step back allowing Morgan to gather up her stuff.
“Oh my God,” I yell standing still causing Morgan to walk into the back of me.
“What?” she asks moving around me.
“I got a text from Caden. He’s coming back today and he’ll be here anytime,” I shout jumping up and down.
I glance across the hall as I realize people are looking at me. I spot Coby who smiles and salutes me with two fingers. I mimic him and rush Morgan out of there. I’m ready to get home and see Caden, then hopefully soon Tarrant, too. I quickly text Caden back.
Me: Went ice skating with Morgan. Be home in 30 mins. Come over ASAP.
I get a response almost immediately.
Caden: I’m already sitting outside, Button.
“Hurry, Caden is sitting outside our place,” I urge Morgan as we peel out of the parking garage.
“Call ahead and order pizza for like forty-five minutes time. My treat,” Morgan orders, and I do exactly that.
“Caden!” I scream jumping out of the car the moment it comes to a stop. I rush to him and collide, hard.
“God, Button, you know I’m Caden, right? Not Tarrant.” He chuckles, and I slap his shoulder.
“I missed you,” I whisper.
“It’s only been a few days,” he replies.
“Yeah, but you haven’t texted or called me. Plus, when you were here last, your visit was so short… I-I was scared,” I admit.
“Come on… let’s go upstairs, and we can chat,” he offers, and I nod as he slips an arm around my shoulder.
“Tarrant?” I question.
“He… he needs some more time to process stuff.” That’s all he tells me as we m
ake our way upstairs.
“Come on spill everything,” Morgan demands once we’ve sat down, and the pizza is steaming in front of us.
“Okay, I’m gonna try and do this without getting upset, all right?” We both nod. “Well, you know what happened up to the point of Tarrant being knocked out. It probably wasn’t the best time, but when Tarrant was coming around, and the EMTs were taking care of him, the police arrived to haul Dad off. They placed him in cuffs, and I knew I didn’t want to see him again, not ever. So… I blurted it out,” he says wrinkling his nose and swallowing hard.
“You blurted it out?” I whisper.
He looks at me and nods. A sheen glistens in his eyes and no matter his anger toward his dad, I can still see the pain he’s trying to hide. “I just announced I was gay, not like I had planned it. I told them like I was commenting on the rain outside.” One corner of his mouth hitches up in a small smile.
“Then what?” Morgan demands.
Caden chuckles, but it’s fake. “I said, you’re so fucking disappointed in one of your sons you can be disappointed in me, too… because guess what Dad? Your golden boy is gay.”
“Shit! What did he say?” I ask Caden gingerly, leaning over and squeezing his knee.
“Nothing. It was more what he didn’t say. He was angry, and he pulled against the cops who were battling to restrain him. Mom was crying. I realized later it wasn’t anything to do with my confession, but it was because of the whole fucked-up situation.” He sighs and finally takes a bite of the pizza slice he’s been toying with. We all sit quietly eating but also waiting for him to continue. “When I was waiting with Mom at the hospital, she told me she loved me, that I was never to doubt that. She said that all she ever wants for her children is for them to be healthy, safe, and happy.” He drags his hand down his face. I’m pretty sure he mops up an odd tear with that move.
Morgan sniffles as she cries. I look over at her surprised—she’s not a crier.
“Shut up,” she snivels at me, and I can’t help but smile.
“What about Tarrant?” I ask.
He smiles at me and scratches his head. “Well, I spoke to him again when he was in the hospital. I wanted to make sure he heard what I’d said to Dad. It was good that I did because he hadn’t taken in much, so he still didn’t know I was gay.”
“So you told him at the hospital?” Morgan asks through a mouthful of food.
Caden nods his reply.
“What did he say?” I question.
“Well, the truth is…” Caden looks at me, “… the first thing he asked was whether you knew.”
I open my mouth to say something but nothing comes out.
“I told him you did.” He shrugs. “I hope you don’t mind, but I couldn’t lie,” he relays grimacing.
“I wouldn’t expect you to lie, Caden,” I reassure. “What did he say?” I inquire.
“He nodded, then he said that he wanted me to feel free to be myself and that he wasn’t ever going to stand in the way of someone being who they really were.”
I watch as Caden picks up his soda can and takes a few gulps back trying to use it to swallow the emotion down.
“Is he angry with me?” I whisper.
“No,” he says placing his drink back down and frowning. “Well… at least I don’t think so. I think he just wanted to make sure I wasn’t stringing you along,” he replies still frowning.
“Did you tell him about me and you, our agreement, my promise to you and my feelings for him?” I rush out.
“Yeah, I’m sorry Laura, but I told him everything. Well, nearly everything. I told him you have feelings for him and was waiting for me to be honest with them all. I explained you were protecting me.” He reaches over and squeezes my shoulder.
“And?” I question biting down hard on my lip to try and contain myself.
“Nothing. He nodded again, and he hasn’t spoken about it since.”
I grind my teeth together to stop the emotion from taking over.
“He only came out of the hospital yesterday, Laura. He hasn’t got a new cell sorted out. Hell, he needs a haircut because where he had the stitches, they cut a lump of hair away. He told me he was going to help Mom get her stuff packed as well as put the house up for sale. We have to move everything to the house we have here now,” he explains apologetically.
“Will you…” I look into his eyes pleadingly. “When he gets a new cell, will you tell me? And give me the number? I need to at least send him a text, I want him to know I’m thinking of him.”
“Of course,” Caden says pulling me into him and kissing my temple.
“I’m glad your family is pulling together, Caden,” I whisper closing my eyes and secretly hoping for far more than I probably deserve.
A few days have passed. Caden has spent most of his time with Morgan and me, and we’ve been helping to sort out boxes that keep arriving at his mom’s house. Tarrant still hasn’t sorted out his cell, and I wonder if it’s because he knows I want to contact him. Caden assures me this isn’t the case and has even offered to call his mom’s cell so I could speak to Tarrant, but I feel like that would be pushing him. If Tarrant wants me, I need to know it’s coming from him.
Tonight is the New Year’s Eve party and both Morgan and Caden have been trying to convince me to dress up. I’ve chosen to wear mainly casual clothes for so long and anytime that I have dressed up, it’s been by exception, usually because Morgan has twisted my arm. Tonight, though, I have made that choice… me… alone. I’m acknowledging that I am allowed to dress up. It doesn’t make me a slut, and it shouldn’t make me a target. I won’t feel shit about myself because of someone else’s actions, not anymore.
I have to admit that the realization makes me feel amazing.
I stand and inspect myself in the mirror. The top half of my dress is completely off the shoulder, with three-quarter length sleeves, the dull gold satin material sits mid-thigh, and the whole dress has the same colored chiffon overlay which has intricate gold sequins in a mish-mash pattern here and there. It’s feminine, light, flirty, and sexy, but above all, I feel good in it. I have a pair of ankle boots which, honestly, have more sparkles on than I have seen in my whole life, they have a platform sole and a four-inch spiked heel. Gold bangles run up my wrists, and a golden butterfly clip sits at the front of my hair, which I braided, now it hangs forward over one shoulder.
Finally, after so long, I feel good again, and I know now that it’s okay for me to dress up. My friends and my chosen family have given me this feeling. They’ve given me comfort, understanding, the acknowledgment that I’m allowed to be me and the safety that comes with that choice. I can keep some of who I was before I had to bear my unseen scars, and now I know that I don’t always have to put a wall up to protect myself. They gave me that, and I don’t even think they’re aware of how much they’ve helped me.
“Seriously, you need to hurry up,” Morgan whines as she walks back into our room with a can of soda in her hand. She stops and assesses me, her eyes move slowly over my face but instead of shying away, I stand and allow her probing stare. “You look different,” she says eventually, justifying her cross-examination.
“I feel different,” I declare, turning to look in the mirror once again.
“You look…” She stops talking, and I can visibly see her struggle as she tries to remember the word she wants to use. Her nose scrunches up, and she squeezes her eyes closed. Then, just like that, her eyes pop open and they’re calm, relaxed, and serene. Morgan grins, and it spreads from cheek to cheek. “Liberated… you look liberated,” she whispers as a shimmer of moisture glistens in her eyes.
“Yeah,” I whisper back, beating down the heavy emotion that’s making my nose sting. “I feel...” I pause to swallow and then grin at her, “… I finally feel free,” I announce like I need to say the words out loud.
Morgan steps forward and envelops me in her arms. “I always knew you were stronger than you realized,” she whispers in my ea
r, then pulls back looking at me, keeping her hands firmly on my shoulders. “Everything that has happened to you, I think the truth is you thought you were hiding away, but you never were. Fighting is what you’ve always done, you’re a survivor, but you’re also a fighter. People can be one without the other but not you.” She stops talking and smiles. “You’re both.”
I open and close my mouth. I should say something, but I have no idea what to say.
“Come on, Caden’s waiting for us downstairs.” She slides her hand into mine and gives me a tug.
As we walk along the corridor and down the stairs, I stop and tug her back. She’s one step below me, she lifts her chin until her soft eyes meet mine. “I love you, Morgan,” I tell her, and she squeezes my hand.
“Ugh, I always knew there was something going on between you two, but can you not display your affection for each other’s pussies here on the stairs,” Selina bitches from behind me.
I look back at her. “Hey Selina, going for the hooker look tonight I see,” I return, and Morgan snorts out laughter.
“God, please don’t tell me you’re going to the Billingham’s beach party, too. That would just be my luck,” she spits.
“‘Fraid so!” Morgan cheerily announces.
“Seeing as you two and Caden seem to have some sort of ménage à trois going on—”
Morgan cuts her off. “Wow! You know what that means? Is it because you watch films that have those titles… it’s okay, you can tell us,” she teases, smirking at an obviously angry Selina.
“Fuck you both.”
“No thank you,” Morgan quips back, and I can’t help the ripple of laughter which trickles out of me.
“Whatever! You two can have Caden, my sights are set on Tarrant, and I feel like tonight’s the night.” She narrows her eyes at us both but grins at the same time, and it’s a cat-that-got-the-cream grin, but she hasn’t got the cream… not yet. Selina pushes us to one side as she barges past us. “See you bitches later.”
“Fuck me, I think she gets worse,” Morgan moans and pulls my hand encouraging me to continue down the stairs. I can’t move, and as Morgan realizes that I’m statue like, she turns to face me. “What’s wrong?”
Dazed (The Deliverance Series Book 1) Page 21