Hidden Under Her Heart

by Rachelle Ayala

  Jen spread her napkin. “I’m so excited and nervous at the same time.”

  “Why?” Vera sipped her soup.

  “Last time, I had a miscarriage. I hope everything checks out.”

  Vera waved her hand. “You’re past twenty weeks already. It’ll be fine.”

  Maryanne nibbled on her bread crust. And here she was hoping for a miscarriage. A flush of cold sweat wet her nose. She took a breath, but the jittery feeling in her heart vibrated to her stomach.

  “What’s wrong?” Vera touched her arm. “You’re hardly eating, and we have an afternoon full of patients.”

  “Are you all right?” Jen asked. “You look like you’re about to faint.”

  “She’s been starving all day,” Vera said. “Maryanne, you need to eat for the baby.”

  “Oh, you’re pregnant too?” Jen sounded excited.

  Maryanne fanned herself. “I’m feeling too hot. Think I’ll go to the bathroom.”

  She stumbled from the table, and Vera followed her. “Are you going to be sick?”

  “No, I’m fine, really. I wish you wouldn’t tell everyone I’m pregnant. Especially since I’m not keeping it.”

  Vera’s mouth rounded. “Sorry. I thought everyone knew. You haven’t been reading the… never mind.”

  She beat a hasty retreat to the table. Maryanne rounded the corner and ran into a navy blue suit with a grey spotted tie.

  “Ooph.” She exhaled. “Sorry, excuse me.”

  She stepped to the side, but the man also stepped to the same side.

  “Well, well, well, if it isn’t the Holy Roller.” Barry’s snide voice grated from his cesspool throat.

  “I’ve nothing to say to you.”

  “What’s the matter? Morning sickness got you down?”

  Maryanne pushed past him, but he followed her down the corridor to the restroom and blocked the entrance.

  “Get out of my way or I’ll scream.”

  “Fine,” he replied. “I’m warning you. Call off the lawsuit. We all know Lucas Knight knocked you up.”

  “He did not. Someone from your church raped me.”

  “Oh, sure, cry rape to cover up. I don’t know what kind of sick game you and your dad are playing, extorting money from a religious institution, vilifying a man of God. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.”

  “You don’t know the meaning of shame after what you did to me,” Maryanne hissed.

  “I didn’t do anything you didn’t want. No one forced you to sign the consent form.”

  Maryanne wiped tears of anger. “No, but you told me if I took care of it, you’d marry me. Then you dumped me. You made me kill our baby.”

  “You think I needed a weepy, needy chick around for law school? I dumped you because you were a drag, plain and simple.”

  “Why are you harassing me now?” Maryanne tried to squeeze by him.

  “Drop the lawsuit or I’ll make your abortion public. What would that sweet boyfriend of yours do if he knew what a slut you were at the tender age of nineteen?”

  Panic buzzed in her head like a tribe of angry wasps. Her stomach lurched and her hands fluttered, fanning the heat from her chest. “You took my virginity. You ruined me. Why can’t you leave me alone?”

  “Ah, I see you care. What happened to my body, my choice?” He leered and patted her lower abdomen.

  “Get away from me.” Maryanne slapped at his arms.

  A security guard sauntered up to them. “Is there a problem here?”

  “Yes,” Maryanne said. “This man is barring me from the restroom.”

  Barry buttered a greasy smile on his face. “I’m Barry O’Brien, attorney for Lion Ministries. I’m interviewing a witness.”

  The guard put his hand over his billy club. “Move along. The lady wants to use the restroom.”

  Maryanne hurried in and shut herself inside the stall.

  Chapter 19

  “Huh?” Maryanne opened her eyes. An IV was stuck in her hand, and she lay on a gurney. Someone waved smelling salts in front of her nose.

  “You fainted,” a nurse said. “Dropped your blood pressure and hit your head on the toilet seat.”

  Maryanne gingerly touched the lump on the left side of her head. “I have to get back to work.”

  “Relax. We told your boss already. He said to let you have the rest of the afternoon off. Besides, you’re pregnant. Your blood sugar was too low, and you need to take care of yourself.”

  “Can I go now?” She closed her eyes as a wave of dizziness spun the room.

  “Not yet.” The nurse patted her arm. “We need to observe you first.”

  The doctor stepped in and shone a light in Maryanne’s eyes. “Reflexes look good. Any visual disturbances?”

  Maryanne covered one eye, and then the other. “You look like pieces in a broken mirror. It’s really strange.”

  “Are we spinning, do you feel like you’re on a boat?”

  “Yes, I feel seasick, and there’s a blind spot.”

  The doctor looked at the nurse and back at Maryanne. “We need to order a CT scan. Your speech is a bit slurred too.”

  “I’m pregnant. Would it hurt the baby?” Maryanne clasped her abdomen.

  “There is a small risk, but you’re running a bigger risk of bleeding in the brain, a subdural hematoma.”

  “May I have an MRI instead? Less radiation.”

  “It might be a longer wait,” the doctor said. “I’m sure your baby will be fine even if we do the CT scan, but since you’re a valuable employee, I’ll make an exception and see if we can get you into an MRI.”

  “Oh, thanks.” Maryanne lay back on the pillow to stop the room from spinning. At least someone appreciated her.

  The nurse looked up from the computer. “We have an MRI slot available. Shall we keep her overnight for observation?”

  “Yes, given her symptoms, I would rather be on the safe side.” The doctor stepped to the door. “Miss Torres, I’ll follow up with you after the test. Any other questions?”

  “Thanks, I’m fine.” Maryanne waved to the doctor as he exited.

  The nurse returned to her side. “Is there anyone you’d like me to call? To let them know where you are?”

  “Yes, please. My boyfriend was going to pick me up after work.” Maryanne gave the nurse Lucas’ number.

  “I’ll call him while you rest. Anything else you need?” the nurse said.

  “I’m good, thanks.” Maryanne closed her eyes and took a deep breath. A possible bleed in the brain. What else could go wrong? Barry’s threats rebounded in her ear. He had turned so hateful. Tears streamed down her face. It wouldn’t have been ideal being a twenty-year-old single mother, but now she’d never know her baby. Boy or girl? Her hands cradled her abdomen. It would have turned seven.

  ~~~

  The MRI room was cold, too cold. Maryanne shivered in her hospital gown. Still a bit woozy, she lay on the table. A nurse arranged her head on a pillow and placed restraints on both sides.

  “Since we’re imaging your head, we need you to hold absolutely still. Are you claustrophobic?”

  Maryanne twisted the edge of the gown. “No, is this like a tanning bed?”

  “You could think of it that way, but it’s a tube, and very noisy. Would you like earplugs or music?”

  “Earplugs.” Maryanne rolled the foam and plugged her ears.

  “You’re going to be entirely enclosed inside the tube.” The nurse arranged a thick blanket over Maryanne’s body. “Think of it as a cocoon. You’ll have about forty-five minutes. Think pleasant thoughts.”

  The technician signaled to the nurse. “Ready?”

  Maryanne folded her hands over her chest and glanced behind her at the machine. “Sure. Whenever you are.”

  “Okay, here goes,” the technician said. “You may press this button to talk to me at any time.”

  The table slid into a tiny hole barely large enough for a person to slip through. Cold, white, sterile, like in a science fic
tion movie. Maryanne rubbed her abdomen. There would be a small risk to the baby, but the CT scan would have been worse.

  Maryanne closed her eyes, imagining herself in an igloo, not exactly the most pleasant thought, but it sure beat thinking of a coffin. The machine started vibrating, and a loud clanking sound hammered close to her ear. Pound, pound, pound.

  If she hadn’t bumped into Barry, none of this would have happened. With the head injury, she would not be traveling this weekend, and she’d miss her abortion appointment. She gulped and tried to stay still. The tiny alien inside of her would keep tormenting her. She’d washed and scrubbed herself thoroughly on the outside, but she carried a baby she could never love, a reminder of violation and shame.

  The humming intensified and Maryanne took deep, slow breaths. Lucas was a prick. Who was he to tell her she couldn’t have an abortion?

  My body, my choice.

  But what about the baby?

  You don’t get a say, Lucas.

  Are you sure it’s right for you?

  Yes, I’ve done it before.

  You have? You’re not the woman for me. You’re just as evil as Daria.

  No, not evil. I had no choice.

  You always have a choice.

  I didn’t ask to be raped, to have this thing inside of me.

  It is a person. It has rights.

  It’s a parasite. I didn’t sign up to be life support.

  You’re not life support. You’re the mother.

  I could never love it. Every time I look at it, I’ll think of the rape.

  Who raped you? You don’t even know.

  A man with long hair, a hanging curtain of seaweed over my face.

  A band member or a church member?

  I don’t know. What does it matter?

  What about Barry’s baby?

  I never told you. Get out of my mind, Lucas. Get out of my life.

  Maryanne jerked her head and rattled it against the cage.

  “Are you okay in there?” the technician said.

  “Yes, I’m fine. I was dreaming, I think.”

  She settled back and counted to twenty. She rubbed her abdomen again, feeling bloated. The little blob was growing. It had webbed fingers and toes, tiny eyes, and no nose. Its little heart could be beating, crying for life, wanting to be loved, begging to be held, comforted, nurtured.

  I could never love you, little one.

  But why? You’re my mommy.

  I didn’t ask for you. I don’t love your father.

  But you’re my mommy.

  I can’t take care of you. I have things to do, places to go. I want to do something with my life.

  You’re my mommy.

  I have to say goodbye. You’ll meet your brother or sister in Heaven. You’ll be in a better place.

  Mommy!

  Tears slipped down the corners of her eyes. She couldn’t move to touch her face. The imaging was still in progress.

  God, if you’re out there and you’re real, why did you let this happen to me?

  There was no answer.

  All I ever wanted was someone to love me. But everyone wants to use me or control me.

  No answer.

  You’re pissed, aren’t you?

  Nothing.

  Okay, I won’t do it this time. But I can’t undo what I did before.

  Silence.

  I can’t let Lucas know. I can’t let my father know. I can’t let anyone know.

  But I know.

  Tears trailed down both sides of her temple. The relentless hammering pulsed with her thumping heartbeat. Maryanne sobbed, her chest quaking.

  “A little while longer,” the technician said.

  “I want to get out. I can’t take it anymore.”

  “We had movement back there. Can I rescan that area?”

  The coffin-like tube closed in on her. She deserved to be dead, not the baby.

  “No. Please. Let me out.”

  Chapter 20

  Lucas opened the car door and helped the nurse place Maryanne into the passenger seat. The MRI results were inconclusive, but the hospital staff had observed her overnight and decided she could go home with supervision. The nurse handed him a checklist of things to watch out for.

  He shut the door and went around the car. Maryanne leaned against the pillow he had brought. He squeezed her hand. “It’s going to be okay.”

  Her faint smile tugged at his heart. She looked so small and vulnerable.

  “I wish I could help you for a change,” she said. “You’re always looking after me.”

  “That’s what friends are for.” He pulled out of the parking lot. “I’ll fix you a smoothie and get some take out. How does that sound?”

  “You’re way too good to me.” Her voice slurred and she closed her eyes.

  He glanced at his watch to note the time. He’d wake her every two hours. It was July 3rd. Maryanne would be in no shape to travel to Sacramento to visit her parents. Had she even informed them of her accident?

  He found a parking spot in front of her apartment. Gently, he carried her up the stairs and laid her on her bed. Her eyes flickered open. She blinked vacantly before focusing on him.

  “Where am I?”

  “You’re home, on your bed.”

  She propped herself up and touched her abdomen. “Am I still pregnant?”

  A band of tension clamped his forehead. “Why wouldn’t you be?”

  She shook her head, looking groggy. “I don’t remember. Maybe I dreamed it. I felt a hand pulling me apart, ripping my insides. Can you help me to the bathroom?”

  He took her arm. “Are you still dizzy?”

  “No, I can walk. Everything seems strange, like nothing’s in the right place. They woke me up every hour last night.”

  He helped her in. “Do you need me or will you be okay?”

  “I’m fine. You can shut the door.”

  “Okay, but you and toilets don’t seem to get along. I heard you hit your head on one before you passed out.”

  “Lucas, I’m not a baby.”

  At least she had her spunk back. He hovered in the hallway. Her landline rang. He let it go to the answering machine. A voice confirmed her appointment at the Modesto Women’s Health Clinic for the upcoming Monday. Cold sweat flushed Lucas’ forehead and neck.

  “Lucas?” Maryanne leaned against the wall. “What was that about?”

  “Were you planning on going behind my back? That was the abortion clinic confirming your appointment.”

  She put her hand to her eyes and swayed. Lucas caught her and helped her to the sofa.

  “Come on, I’m not stupid,” he said. “They called themselves women’s health. But why would you get prenatal care in Modesto when you work for the hospital?”

  Maryanne’s hair covered her face, and she slumped forward. “I’m going to speak real slow because I’m not feeling normal. You’re my friend, but you don’t get to dictate what I do. I can’t talk to you because you’re too judgmental, always accusing me. You haven’t even asked me how I feel.”

  Her voice cracked, and she leaned on the armrest, seemingly out of breath from her speech.

  Anger pounded through Lucas’ chest. The hairs on his arms burred like porcupine quills. He froze and clenched his jaw. He had dropped everything to care for her, and now she lied to him. He never did figure out how he’d feel if she actually killed her baby. He stood and faced the door. He should leave and cut his losses, but he promised her he’d stay.

  She hadn’t moved, appearing petrified, hiding her face from him. Wild slashes of pain sliced through his insides. What if she already had the abortion, and the entire head injury was a ruse?

  Her thin voice cut through the haze in his mind. “Maybe if you ask me what happened, you’ll understand.”

  “I understand you were raped. I don’t know how it feels.” He gritted his teeth. “And I’m probably putting too much pressure on you.”

  She wiggled her hand. “Come back here. Before
you go, and before I get too tired, I want to tell you something.”

  “I wasn’t going anywhere.” Lucas crossed his arms.

  “Yes, you were. Come, sit.”

  He perched on the armrest. “Go ahead. What were you going to tell me?”

  “While I was in the hospital, I finally realized why I’m so needy, why I’m such an emotional sponge. And no one can help me climb out of that hole.” Her lips trembled and she picked at her fingernails.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I need to get my bearings. Find out who I am. Be the woman I’m meant to be. I like you, a lot. But I’m not helping you. I’m too dependent on you.”

  A yawning sinkhole cratered his heart. He’d pushed too hard, and now she was trying to get rid of him so she could go ahead with the abortion. He wiped his palms on his jeans and scooted next to her. “I’m sorry for not understanding. It must be hard to be a woman, to have to put up with everything, you know the pregnancy and childbirth, especially when it’s unwanted.”

  “It’s not just the pregnancy. It’s everything. I need to find myself without desperately trying to latch onto a man.”

  “Maryanne, I love you.” Lucas squeezed her to his chest. “I love you so much.”

  “You have to let me go. Maybe after I give the baby away, we can try again. Does that sound fair?”

  A shockwave sped through him, and he jerked his head up. “You’re keeping the baby?”

  “Giving it up for adoption. But until then, my life is on hold, and I don’t want to make any new commitments.”

  “You don’t have to. I promised to take care of you.” He grasped her hands.

  “Take care of yourself. Go for your dreams. I don’t want to hold you back.”

  Lucas blinked, but everything was blurry. Now that she decided not to have the abortion, everything would be perfect. Why would she want to do everything on her own?

  “I’m happy you’re not having the abortion, but don’t punish me for being a jerk and suspecting you.”

  “I’m not punishing you, sweet Lucas.” She wiped a tear from his face. “I need to do this for myself.”

  “Why the sudden change?” Another tear trickled down his face. “Weren’t we good for each other?”