Hidden Under Her Heart

by Rachelle Ayala

  Gayle walked through a glass door and stopped at the first station. Maryanne’s heart catapulted into her throat. Emma was so tiny. The ventilator’s noise buzzed like a cross between a persistent vacuum cleaner and a helicopter, vibrating Emma’s abdomen. She wasn’t inhaling or exhaling, just jiggling. Her eyes were masked, and tape covered her cheeks. Tubes were threaded through her belly button and her lower leg, with an IV line on her forehead. One thin line was red with blood going into her leg near her heel. Pads were taped over her chest, and her foot was wrapped by an oxygen sensor. One hand and forearm was completely encased with gauze pads and Velcro straps. Bright lamps shined over her, and her skin glistened with moisturizing gel.

  Her heart ached at the sight, and she clapped a hand to her mouth while Lucas inhaled loudly, squeezing her shoulders reassuringly.

  “She’s on a heating bed right now,” Gayle said. “Here’s her nurse, Lilly. If you need anything else, please come by or call.” She taped a brightly lettered sign to the column near the instruments and exited the ward.

  Maryanne recognized the nurse as a classmate of hers from nursing school. “Lilly Chen?”

  Lilly smiled and shook hands with her and Lucas. “Maryanne, you’re working Allergy these days?”

  “I’m on leave, but yes. How is she?”

  Lilly straightened the pads around Emma’s head. “She scared us a few hours ago. We were adjusting the ventilator when her tidal volume decreased drastically. But we were able to get her on the oscillating ventilator, and she seems happier.”

  The baby’s skin was pink, a good sign. “What about the heart?”

  “We gave her a dose of indomethacin to close the hole naturally. We’ll know tomorrow after another echocardiogram. Did Dr. Logan show you the films?”

  Maryanne nodded. “Her lungs are very cloudy.”

  “I won’t let anything happen to her. Promise.” Lilly patted Maryanne’s arm. She turned to Lucas. “I don’t think I’ve met you. You’re Emma’s father?”

  Lucas shook her hand and mumbled, “Nice meeting you.”

  “I take this is your first child?” Lilly asked.

  “Yes, I never expected this.” Maryanne’s throat closed, and she leaned into Lucas. “I don’t want to leave her side. I feel so helpless.”

  “It’ll be okay. We’ll do all we can.” She glanced at the door. “Here comes Dr. Logan.”

  Gayle walked briskly at his side. Dr. Logan greeted them and looked at the monitors. “The blood gases show the connection between her veins hasn’t closed yet.”

  A chill seized Maryanne’s chest. “Can you do anything?”

  The doctor pursed his lips. “Surgery is the other option, but she’s still too weak. With these tiny babies, you try to balance one effect against the other. Tonight will be touch and go.”

  Maryanne’s head felt light, and she panted, waving her hands. “No, oh God. Are you saying?”

  Gayle placed a consoling hand on her arm. “Of course not. There’s still hope.”

  “Can you give them one of the parents’ rooms?” Dr. Logan asked. “Are any available?”

  “Number two is occupied, but… wait I think three is free.”

  “Oh, the Todds?” The doctor’s face drooped. “Yes, I guess they don’t need it anymore.”

  “No, they don’t.” Gayle sighed. “I’ll get it cleaned.”

  Maryanne sagged into Lucas’ chest. She could barely breathe. “What are her chances?”

  Gayle rubbed her shoulder. “Let’s not think like that. We’re doing everything we can.”

  The doctor and Gayle walked to another station where another infant lay. Lilly tapped Maryanne’s arm and pointed to Emma. “Let me show you something. You can calm her like this.”

  She cupped her fingertips over Emma’s head and gently stroked her head. “They need human touch. Go ahead.”

  Maryanne’s hands shook. “She looks so fragile. I can see through her skin, the veins and everything.”

  “You won’t hurt her,” Lilly said. She nudged Emma’s free hand with her pinkie, and the baby grasped it. Her foot, the one without the line, curled and wiggled.

  “Oh my!” Maryanne exclaimed, touching Emma’s downy head. Floods of love and tender emotions gripped her heart with intensity. “I love you so much, baby.”

  Lucas stood back, but Lilly took his hand. “Go ahead, let her grab your finger. She’ll love holding hands with her dad.”

  “Oh, wow,” Lucas gasped. “She’s so precious.” His voice broke, and he squeezed Maryanne’s shoulder with his other hand. “I think she likes me.”

  Oh, Lucas. If only you were her father. Maryanne blinked back tears. But what did it matter? This could be Emma’s last night on earth. Lucas bent his head, his breath puffing in her hair. “Dear Heavenly Father, you love little children. They are precious in your sight. Please heal our little girl. You’ve brought her to us, a precious lamb. Please let her live with us and bless us. Make us the parents she should have and help us to love and raise her in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. In Jesus’ Precious and Holy Name, Amen.”

  Chapter 34

  Maryanne and Lucas returned to the NICU after a quick dinner in the cafeteria. A group of medical students hovered at Emma’s bedside. A doctor spoke, “This baby is very sick. Twenty-five week gestation weighing a little over 800 grams. She has respiratory distress syndrome and patent ductus arteriosus.”

  Lilly ushered them out of the ward. “Visiting hours are almost over, and the residents are making their last round. I have the evening shift tomorrow. Soni will be the overnight nurse, and Bea will be coming in the morning. They’ll call you if anything changes with Emma’s condition.”

  Maryanne craned her neck to get one last glimpse of Emma. She was very still under bright bilirubin lights. She wanted to touch her and comfort her, but the lecture continued, and the students were busily taking notes.

  A ward clerk greeted them. “You must be Miss Torres? Gayle left me the keys to parent room three.”

  Maryanne accepted the keys, and the clerk showed her to the room. It was a call room where residents took breaks. A small cot lay on one side next to a particle-board dresser, and a tiny refrigerator stood near the small sink.

  “You’ll have to use the bathrooms near the break rooms,” the clerk said. “If you guys need anything, I’m at my station.”

  “Thanks,” Maryanne mumbled. She turned to Lucas when the clerk left. “You’re not staying, are you?”

  He brushed the side of her cheek. “Do you want me to?”

  “There’s not much space here.” She shifted toward the cot. “I mean, I’m the mother.”

  He tugged her into his arms. “It’s going to be okay. It was hard seeing her like that, so helpless, but she’ll pull through.”

  A shot of adrenaline poked her heart, and she pushed away from him. “How do you know? How can you say these things? She’s very sick. She might not make it past the night. You think they offer rooms to all the parents?”

  “I’m sorry.” His eyes looked stricken. “Tell me how I can help.”

  An avalanche of trembles shook her body as she collapsed onto the cot. “She must be in so much pain. Did you see the tubes threaded all over her tiny body?”

  He cleared his throat and sat stiffly next to her. “I didn’t mean to upset you. You know that, right?”

  “And why are you claiming to be her father? What’s with you?” Her voice scratched through her raw throat. “Don’t you want to be cleared now that she’s born? Order the blood test? Before… before she dies?”

  He sat frozen, his eyes tearing. “I don’t care what happens to me. She won’t die, we have to believe that, or we’ll go crazy.”

  Maryanne slammed her palms on the bed. “I’m a nurse. I know the code words, the tight lips. I know that look. They don’t think she’ll make it through the night. Any minute, they’re going to knock on that door and call me to her bedside.”

  Anguish surged through
her pained breasts and clenched her empty womb, leaking blood between her legs. Her limbs were numb, and a band of tension constricted her head.

  “Do you want to be alone?” His voice was deep and soft, calming.

  “Yes, I mean, not yet.” She reached for him, her stomach sinking under a blanket of weariness. “I-I want to th-thank you, for, for saving my life. And… tell Zach…” Unable to continue, she buried her face in her palms. “I’m so sorry. I can’t believe Zach’s life is ruined. It’s my fault. How can I ever make it up to him?”

  Lucas lifted her into his lap. “It wasn’t your fault. Barry tricked you. It’ll all get straightened out.” He kissed the side of her face. “What’s important right now is you and Emma. Nothing else matters. The police can wait. I won’t leave your side unless you want me to.”

  Tears rolled down her face, and she couldn’t catch her breath. An ache seized her heart and radiated to her fingertips. “I’m so scared. If Emma dies, I don’t want to live.”

  He rocked her and made soothing sounds. “She won’t die. You’ll be strong for her. You’re a wonderful mother. Now, go to the bathroom and get ready to sleep. You must be exhausted.”

  “I can’t sleep.” She bit her nails and clawed at her face. “Will you pray for her? Will you ask your God to heal her? Is He punishing me? Tell Him to let me die and let her live. Will you take care of her after I’m gone?”

  “S-sh. You’re tired.” He helped her to her feet and guided her to the entrance of the women’s bathroom. “I’ll be right here waiting for you.”

  ~~~

  Lucas kissed Maryanne’s teary cheek and opened the bathroom door for her to enter. She didn’t look back. He caught sight of her bent over the sink before the door closed. He made a quick stop in the men’s room and waited on the vinyl couch in the hallway. How could everything have gone wrong so fast? If he had called her this morning, she would never have believed Barry’s false text messages. He hadn’t realized how fragile her emotions were, how much she needed him.

  His knuckles ached, and he unclenched his fists. Barry had tried to pin the kidnapping on him, told the police Lucas had lured Maryanne to the marina and stolen the boat. Fortunately, the jet skiers corroborated Lucas’ version of the events. And Barry kept repeating that horrid lie about Maryanne having had an abortion. A acidic boiling churned in his gut. Thank goodness Maryanne had no cell phone and had not seen the news. Barry was claiming an insanity defense based on the supposed abortion.

  Lucas’ head throbbed. He had to protect her from the news. Even now, the police could be outside demanding an interview. If it hadn’t been for the dire situation of the baby, they would have prevailed. He glanced at the double doors. Thankfully, the ward was closed for the night.

  Maryanne emerged from the bathroom, her face pointed toward the floor and her steps unsteady. He put his arm around her. “Told you I’d be here.”

  He helped her back to the call room and tucked her in. A plastic chair sat at the foot of the cot. He turned off the light and eased into the rickety chair. It would have to do for the night. He crossed his arms and stretched out his legs, leaning his head back against the wall.

  “Lucas?” Her voice was raspy, barely there. “Are you comfortable?”

  “Yes, I’m fine.” The ticking of the wall clock steadily broke the silence.

  “It’s dark in here.”

  “I know. Get some sleep.”

  He could hear her shifting and turning in the cot.

  “What if they knock and I don’t hear them?”

  “I’ll stay awake and watch. Don’t worry, it’ll be morning soon.” His back ached already. He sat up straighter, stretched his shoulders and turned his neck in circles.

  “Lucas?” Her voice broke from the bed. “I’m scared. Will you hold me?”

  Thought she’d never ask. Lucas eased into the tiny cot and positioned himself against the cold wall. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into his chest. She sobbed, clutching his shoulders. Her tears sprinkled his face, mingling with his own. This was it. His family, his woman and his daughter, if she’d let him. He held her closer and closed his eyes, praying in his mind.

  ~~~

  Steamy heat bathed Maryanne’s forehead. Her throat burned and her eyes ached. She yawned and stretched. Lucas shifted next to her, mumbling something unintelligible.

  The clock on the wall read 7:37, and light filtered in through the curtains. Maryanne’s mouth was dry. She tested her voice, hoarse and barely there. The baby. She had to see her, make sure she was okay. Every muscle ached as she propped herself up. Her breasts had hardened into painful rocks, and her head swam. She moved her legs off the bed and pushed off her knees. Black dots swirled in her visual field, and she quickly bent down, holding onto the night table.

  A hand steadied her. “Maryanne, you okay?”

  “Emma,” she croaked. “Did anyone come?”

  “No,” Lucas said. “That’s great news, isn’t it?”

  “But what if we slept through the knocking? What if they didn’t knock at all? What if she’s gone already.” Her voice grated between a wheeze and a whisper.

  “You lost your voice?” He palmed her forehead. “You’re burning up.”

  “The baby. I want to see my baby.” She struggled toward the door.

  “Wait.” He grabbed her arm. “Let me go first. Talk to Gayle or whoever’s on duty.”

  A fit of coughing bent her over. “I think I’m getting sick. Must have been the freezing water.”

  He wrapped his arms around her and kissed the tip of her nose. “You stay right here. I’ll find out and let you know. And if you’re sick, I don’t think it’s a good idea to go into the ward.”

  She crumpled into the bed. “Go ahead. You’re right.”

  Closing her eyes, she crossed her arms and clenched her elbows. A wave of chills spread from her spine, and her pulse swished behind her ears. My baby, my precious baby. Oh, to God, if I could die for you I would. Each pound of her heart seemed to bring near certainty that Emma had passed. Sobs wracked her chest, and tears dripped one by one onto the pillow. Her breast ached with fire, and droplets of milk meant for Emma soaked through her blouse.

  There was a knock on the door, and Lucas stepped in. “She’s still alive. Sarah and Tim are with her. They said the hole in her heart has healed. She’s turned a corner for the better.”

  Maryanne jumped from the cot and fell into his arms. “Oh, thank you, God! Thank you.”

  Lucas picked up her backpack and put the clothes she had worn the day before into it. “The doctor wants to have a conference with you and the Tanakas later. I don’t have to be included, if you don’t want.”

  She touched his elbow. “I appreciate everything you’re doing. I do. But this is something I have to do myself.”

  “Are you still going through with the adoption?” His Adam’s apple wobbled.

  A sour ache twisted her stomach. Everyone expected it, and truth to be told, the Tanakas would provide a much better home for Emma, if, that is, they still wanted her. “What if she’s handicapped from all of this? What if she’s blind, or has brain damage?”

  “What about it?” Lucas crossed his arms, seeming defensive.

  “Would they still want her? She’d require too much care.”

  Lucas rolled his eyes and blew out a gust. “Are you saying you don’t want her?”

  “I…” Her voice croaked like a frog on steroids. Why did he look at her like that? Like she was a heartless witch? “You don’t understand. I only want the best for her.”

  He palmed the top of his head. “I’m sorry. Really. It’s your decision. I need to back off. Sarah and Tim can take you home. I have to swing by the police station and sign my statement. They’re going to want to speak to you too.”

  “I forgot about the police.” Maryanne sank into the cot. “Did they catch Barry?”

  “Yes, they did. He’s in jail right now, but they need your statement.”

&nb
sp; She shuddered and rubbed her raw, bruised wrists. “It was horrible. He had me cuffed to the rail. I thought I was going to die when he threw me in the water. Can you believe I thought he uncuffed me to save me?”

  Lucas drew close to her. “I need you to be prepared.”

  “What do you mean?” She sought his gaze, but he avoided it.

  He rubbed the side of his neck, his teeth pinching his lower lip.

  “What is it?” She took a sip of water and hummed to loosen her vocal cords. “What’s going to happen? Am I in trouble?”

  “No…” He breathed unevenly. “No. Just that he’s accusing you of something horrible.”

  “But I.” She gulped more water. “I didn’t do anything. He kidnapped me and tried to kill me.”

  “He’s pleading insanity.”

  “No way.” A curl of irritation sizzled in her gut. “He might be mean, but he isn’t crazy. Who’d believe him?”

  Lucas turned his gaze on her. “Why does he hate you so much? Did you do anything to him to make him hate you?”

  He looked so accusatory, like judge and jury, a mob at a witch trial.

  Maryanne staggered, her heart hammering to escape her ribcage. “I have n-no idea.”

  “It’s in the news already, so you might as well know.” Lucas clenched and unclenched his fist. “He accuses you of murdering his baby when you were nineteen.”

  A spike of freezing adrenaline pierced Maryanne’s heart, shattering it like the web of a cracked windshield. Her vision blurred. The shadowy form in front of her glared as if condemning her to the pit of Hell. She heard diabolical laughter and voices taunting her. Slut, whore, no good tramp, murderess, baby killer. No, no, she screamed in her head. You don’t understand. I had no choice. No choice.

  Lucas shook her, and her vision cleared. His green eyes were soft and bleary. “It’s a lie, of course. It’s better you heard it from me first. Of course I don’t believe it. But by now, your parents must have heard and mine too. Tim and Sarah wanted me to assure you that you have their support. We all know you’re not capable of doing such a thing. I mean, you might have thought about it, but no way would you carry through with it. So don’t worry.”