My Kind of Perfect

by Lockheart, Freesia

  I stepped in, feeling his sleeves brushed behind me after the door closed. “I also wish he’ll be out of that hospital and I will be thrown away from this job. What made him end up in the hospital by the way?”

  “A bullet from an angry husband who caught his wife, which was our guest, cheating with his best friend,” he answered.

  “And?”

  “I was passing about to get inside the car and then it happened.”

  “What happened?”

  “The husband fired his gun. Paul threw himself in the way to protect me. Luckily, it was his arm that got shot.” He proceeded to his desk and started flipping of papers.

  Did that mean I had to stop a bullet for him, too, if duty called? That was horrifying. “John, I don’t think I’m ready for this job. I mean, catching bullets is not something I usually do.”

  “You don’t have to. Isaac, the one outside, will do that.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Well, if you really want to, I won’t stop you,” he said with a teasing smile before he continued flipping over the pages again. So this was what a CEO did all his life—flipped papers all day long. He grabbed his pen and swished off his chair, looked intently at the piece of paper that he was holding away from him. The sudden gush of seriousness on his face made me stop on arguing with him.

  “You can see from that far?” I bemused. Surely, he hadn't got his glasses on so he was not supposed to see from that distance. That was against the myopic rules.

  “Huh?”

  “That,” I pointed out how far the paper was from him.

  “Oh,” he said, turning his chair around and facing the window. “I got my contact lens prescription yesterday.”

  “Contact lens? You're using contacts?” I echoed, squeaking.

  “Yes, ever since I graduated from college,” he answered. “I just stopped a while ago because they got expired.”

  I nervously coughed, unable to move from where I stood. He was using contact lens now. Today. Rewind it a little further, he was also wearing it a while ago.

  “By any chance, did you have them on this morning? You know, the... crumpled... paper?” I stuttered nervously.

  He turned around and looked straight to me. With a mocking smile, he recited, “I think I found him. I finally did. I'm not gonna tell anyone especially the girls cause they'll get angry. But I think I found him. John is kind and he accepts me for who I am. He never judges me even though I do rude things to him to please the girls. I'm beginning to see him in a new light ever since that day he stayed by my side when Carter left me for that girl. I think I'm starting to fall for him. This is weird but I think I found him. But it's not like I'm gonna tell anyone. And not the girls! I just wanted to say that I think he's the one. I think he’s the one.”

  Right at this moment, I cursed his photographic memory and the way he could memorize things in the blink of an eye. He said every word as if it was perfectly quoted and duly uttered to torment me as I was reminded of the latter part of that awful note I wrote before. Collapsing on the ground, I couldn't believe that my previous confession that was meant twelve years ago found its way to him—at the wrong place and time.

  Crap.

  Chapter 18

  “Did I get that right?” he mused, thoroughly blissful about the awkwardness of the situation and how I stilled there on the floor, unable to move or say a word in response.

  What to do? Should I run? Or maybe I could pretend to collapse due to a terrible sickness and be hospitalized for the rest of the three-month contract?

  Other thoughts flashed in my head, making me feel dizzy. John had read the dreadful secret that I had kept from him all these years. Never did it occur to me that he would ever get the chance to read it. I hated my diary, my writings, my journals, and everything that reminded me about what I felt before.

  I wrote that note two months after Carter dumped me and John had been my sole confidant during that time. He actually found me crying at the back stairs of the gymnasium after I saw how Carter kissed Jane. No. It wasn’t just kissing. He ate her in front of me.

  Jane was one of the girls—the group I had joined during freshman year. It was the usual story. I also wanted fit in, to be popular. And Jane also knew that I had been crushing on Carter ever since and was finally going out with him for several times. But little did I know back then that she also liked him. And after going for him behind my back, she finally got what she had wanted.

  Thus, the eating. I mean, the kissing.

  And then one day she invited me to the gym saying that Carter wanted to see me. I still didn’t know that she already got him. It turned out that she was planning something big, like making out with Carter in front of everyone, including me. She made her claim and the guy then became hers.

  How I felt back then? Awful. But that was just another part of the story. The rest of the girls had sided with Jane saying that she deserved Carter more than I do. And the reason for that? She was hotter than I am.

  Regardless, despite what Jane did, I stayed with them. But amidst their knowing, John was the one who had been with me through all those terrible times. He passed on hankies to me, gave me water when I choked due to crying, pat my back, and even walked me home. That when I wasn’t with the girls, I could be true to myself and to the hurt I was feeling for getting betrayed and losing Carter.

  It was only John who knew all that.

  And that was when I started to like him even though he had glasses and snorted like a pig. Okay, I had to admit that I liked him at some point in time. Insane. Stupid. Or whatever you’d call it. The fact was, I liked him. He was there when the rest of the world walked away.

  However, popularity claimed the greater part of me. I couldn’t give it up. And so the rest of our previous friendship was then hidden away in secret meetings and occasional phone calls.

  And before our high school graduation, a cute guy who attended the same college that John and I had decided to go to together started to notice me. You know what had happened after that. I had decided to go out with him—the college guy, Jonathan. I was reminded that being with a nerd was not a good idea if you ever wanted to be noticed even in college.

  Or if you wanted to keep a hot boyfriend around and be envied by all. Just like Jane said.

  And so I trashed Johnny’s tearful confession on graduation day and ended our friendship. I didn’t want to be misunderstood by college guy. John also moved away and went to another college, making last minute transfers.

  But it wasn't my fault that things turned out that way. It was the way of the world, as if there was a certain rule that people of the same class should go together. But I knew that somehow, my decision during that time was wrong. Now that I had given it a thought, I had to admit that I was wrong. I had discovered that now that school was finished, the popularity I once thought I had hadn’t stayed with me in the years that came afterwards.

  It also turned out that only a few among the girls stayed as the girls. Actually, on my part, none of them were from the girls. They kind of all disappeared after high school. For me, it had been Sandy and only Sandy who was my neighbor and attended the same high school with me but had chosen not to be one of the girls.

  I didn’t know why, but the girls all disappeared.

  For John, I never heard another word from him after his confession. I had graduated from college and the rest was history—one that involved a great deal of being fired, dumped by guys, and trying to keep myself perfect. I believed that by doing so, the best was there to come. But the harsh reality was, the best never came. Instead, Johnny nerd made an unforgettable comeback. I was in the clasp of his grandmother. I had nothing except for this two. And the highlight of it all was this moment, right here in John's office and him reciting the rest of that awful confession of mine.

  “Kayla?” he asked, worried.

  I felt a snap in my head when he got up from his chair. And the echo of his leather shoes that were walking towards me pulled me o
ut of my contemplations. I felt my shoulders dropped down, seeing my life in flashes flickering inside my head. Questioning me of what I was standing for in life.

  “Stop!” I held out a hand.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked again, still getting closer.

  “Nothing...” I steadied myself as I got up.

  “Let me—“

  “Stay back. Back off, John!” I turned away, letting off his gaze as I headed out of the door.

  “Kayla? Where are you going?” he asked me.

  I didn't answer and just walked out of the room, the phone ringing just in time to held John back. Inquisitions were thrown as I trod down the busy halls. A few murmurs were heard but none of it sounded any clearer to me than the loud pounding of my heart. It was as if everyone were only buzzing and whispering extraterrestrial words around me.

  I had no more face to show to anyone. The thing I had been keeping from the world was out in the open, with the one involved reading it himself.

  Pressing the last floor, I was glad that I was the only one inside the elevator. My phone rang. I didn’t answer it. Nothing mattered now except for the fact that John had read that note. He knew that I had felt that way before. Worse is, that the letter made me sound like a teenage girl who had a huge crush on him.

  It was a shame, a total shame.

  I was a pretty convincing liar back then, except for my dad. I lied to everyone about how I felt about John. They all knew that I had dumped him with ease and that I didn’t feel even the slightest remorse about it. I did it so cruelly—all those lying—that I started to hate myself in secret until the guilt passed by. And knowing it now, John must be thinking how hypocrite a person I was.

  And that I had a huge crush on him before.

  What was I standing for now? How could everything fall apart this way? Who was I, really? What was I? The once perfect perception I had about myself was slowly fading away, leaving me with nothing but muddled guesses of what I might be.

  “Kayla!” I heard John's voice as he grabbed my arm from behind as I was walking in an empty balcony. In the end, he did manage to find where I was. It was like finding me was embedded in his instincts.

  Like that same old Johnny.

  “Are you happy now?” the words escaped my mouth, wanting to blame him for reading it rather than me for writing it myself. There was no one around so I hadn't really felt the need to pretend that we were an endearing couple.

  “No, I don't mean to sound that way,” he tried saying.

  “You must be feeling ecstatic now that you found out what I felt way back then,” I sarcastically replied.

  “I was,” he finally admitted. “But what can a letter that was dated more than ten years ago mean now?”

  “You're right. It was so old that nothing should matter now,” I added, sharply. The sound of which made me realize that I was convincing myself.

  “That was what I was trying to say. I was flattered that you felt that way instead of what I heard came out of your mouth at that time. But that was just part of history now, right? At this point, we're just two people who are under a contract. Nothing more,” he uttered with a hint of apprehensiveness while saying the last part. “Why are you acting like this?”

  I nudged his arm and freed myself from his grip. I prevented my twitching mouth from saying what it was about to say. Like an image, it was coming closer and closer to me. I wanted to say it. I wanted to get this out even if the circumstances indicated that it was already too late.

  ‘No, Kayla. Don't let him hear a word,’ I started scolding myself.

  “Kaye,” he called me, softly. I felt my knees becoming weak. “Look, I'm cool with that. You liked me before. I liked you before. But they were all in the past now. There's no need to feel ashamed about it or anything.”

  I snapped with all those 'before words' he said. My fluttering heart that was so unreal when I was with him told me that clearly, as much as I hated it, I knew I liked him even now. If there was one thing I deeply regretted my whole life that would be lying to him. I couldn’t understand myself anymore. All I knew was that my heart said it all, clearer than anything else I kept on telling myself even now.

  “I am ashamed!” I suddenly shouted.

  “About what?” he skeptically asked.

  “And I hate it.” I faced him, holding his eyes in anger. Trembling, I pursed my lips and calmed my thoughts down. There was skepticism in his eyes, asking me what was going on.

  “What are you talking about, Kaye?” he asked, absolutely confused.

  “About you calling me Kaye,” I replied.

  “Then I'll stop calling you Kaye. I'll call you Kayla starting from today,” he offered. “If that’s what you want.”

  “I hate it. I hate shutting my mouth because you tell me that I should not say everything that has been going on in my mind especially the not so nice things you keep on talking about. I don't know what's not so nice about me, but I... when I feel that you will be angry with what I'll say, I'll unconsciously stop,” I said, tears forming at the corner of my eyes. “You see the problem, I stop!”

  “Kayla, what's going on?” he asked again, this time his voice was filled with utmost concern. “You can tell me.”

  “And I don't like it,” I said, vexed. “I hate shutting up and not saying my thoughts.”

  “O—kay?” He blinked.

  “That's why I'll tell you this. I'll tell you what I was feeling all this while. For the last few days that we were together,” I muttered, holding back the tears, “I became insane.”

  “Really? Is it that hard?” He was mystified.

  “Shut up! Let me talk!” I demanded, stomping my foot in anger.

  He did shut up.

  “I think I'm going crazy every time you hold me, when I hear you call me with my... my nickname, when you make me feel good, when you tell me that I can do it when clearly you know that I can't cook anything, when you open the door for me, when you...” I stopped and caught my breath. After resting for a while, I continued, “When you—”

  John cut me off, “I get it, you hate me.”

  I was caught off guard with his words. “It's not hate, John...”

  “But you said that...”

  “It's not hate, you nerd.” I exhaled. “You're so stupid.”

  “Then what is it?” He sighed, absolutely clueless. “And you told me that you hate me.”

  “Stupid,” I murmured to myself before I started walking away.

  Reaching for the door, I heard him call out, “Then what is it, Kayla?”

  “Go figure!”

  “Wait,” he paused. “Could it be...”

  I slightly opened the door before I heard him shouted, “If you walk out of that door, I'll assume that you still like me.”

  “Finally,” I breathed, talking to myself. He must be thinking that he could black mail me with that. Like I said, I wanted him to hear my thoughts. And to tell him that he was right, I walked out the door and shut it behind me.

  Chapter 19

  Feeling perplexed, I walked around the halls again. I was lost in thoughts as well as literally lost. I didn't know where I ended up but I was glad that I was out of that empty balcony and somehow opened a door that led to the emergency stairs of the hotel.

  Walking up the stairs, I ended up in the rooftop of the hotel. I opened the door and a gush of wind welcomed me. The place was empty except for the helicopter sign that was painted on it. And in here, the wind was strong but not enough to sway me so I continued walking to the other end.

  With so much drama tormenting my head.

  The view was pleasant but I hadn't completely appreciated them all. My mind was flooded about the things that I had done. I somehow admitted that I liked him... now. That was so stupid of me, like the most insane thing that I ever did all my life. If liking him back then was foolish, liking him now was like ten times even more foolish.

  The great Kayla Wilson fell for that nerd—once nerd—two times and
had actually admitted both of it. My pride was hurt, definitely. And the worse thing was, he didn't feel the same way about me. It was all in the past for him. Now, there was no one to catch my fall. No certainty. I should have known better than admitting to it.

  I hated it. I hated myself.

  I had no idea how I should face him now, what would happen, how did he feel after all this, what would Dorothy say, what was right, what was wrong, how should I deal with all this, and such things. And seriously, above anything else, what had happened to me for someone like me to like someone like him? What was wrong with me? Was this wrong luck? Or was it a punishment from God? But for what?

  And like always, the answer for all those was blank like a new canvas that got nothing on it. Although now, I was a wreck. I couldn’t see deliverance in sight. The once flawless life that I had imagined was crumbled into shards and pieces all because of John. The perfect Kayla Wilson had already lost her face, her one and only beautiful face. She was unemployed, entangled in a frightful mess, been dumped, continuously being dumped, and finding her own ways to be dumped.

  Taking a deep breath before letting out a hovering sigh, I continued walking around as I traced my fingers on the waist-high wall of the rooftop. Leaning on the wall for a moment, I focused my gaze at the busy streets of Creeksburg. Everyone seemed to be living their lives, busying themselves with something and having a meaningful life of their own.

  I envied them as I thought how my life had been an utter disaster from the start. That while I was busy trying to be perfect, I thought I’d find the answer. I still didn’t. Everything meant nothing. In reality, I had achieved nothing.

  Everything was so wrong.

  As I was looking down, I heard a voice call from behind, out of breath and distressed, “Kayla, let's talk it out. Don't do anything funny now.”

  I blinked twice, thinking about what he had said. There was so much worry and caution in his voice that it took me several moments before I realized what he was talking about. From where I stood, there could only be one reason why he was that troubled.