Children of Memories

by Matthew Fish

  Andrew gets out of bed despite the constant soreness that has overtaken his body. He reaches for his phone and checks for any messages that he might have slept through—to his dismay there are none, no missed calls nor texts. Although his still-exhausted mind urges him to the contrary, Andrew text-messages Anna: Hey, what happened to you yesterday? You never came by. Please just let me know what is going on. I miss you.

  Andrew sits at the edge of his bed for about fifteen minutes staring at the photo wallpaper of Anna on phone. Despite wishing it so, it appears that Anna will not be replying any time soon. He slowly gets to his feet, one sock missing somewhere in bed. He stumbles over to his dresser near the door to his apartment, hobbling to keep his bare foot from the cold of the wooden floor beneath him. He finds a suitable replacement companion for his lost sock—it does not match, however, he does not care.

  Andrew messes with the thermostat above the dresser for a moment; it feels much cooler than it did in the room the day before. He makes his way to the long-curtained window and peeks out, seeing more of the buildings, street, and sidewalk below him. The oak tree has lost more leaves, the wind has picked up and an inclusive gray look fills the view from the window. It is merely the end of October and it looks like winter will come early again this year.

  Andrew dresses into warmer pajama pants and then makes his way into the bathroom. He looks at himself, his beard has grown longer, and his eyes still look tired, puffy. He pulls back the mirror and opens up the medicine cabinet and picks up his bottle of Xanax. He pours the contents into his hand, counting only ten pills left. As he swallows one he begins to grow concerned what will happen once he runs out completely. A part of him does not care, for he is deeply unhappy—still, he wonders if he will even be able to function at all once it’s absent from his life. He contemplates calling the clinic, but has missed his last two appointments and figures that he will not be well-received.

  Andrew pours himself a small bowl of cereal. There is no milk—it has gone sour long ago. He eats a little bit of the food and then returns to bed, finding nothing else of value to do other than wait. Between memories of Emily and dreams of Anna he is tormented by the fact that he cannot be with either, not now, and possibly not ever.

  Despite the fact that the memory brings him pain, he thinks about her again.

  It is a Friday; one week has passed since Andrew has first met Emily. The changes in his life are so drastic that he cannot even believe that he is the even the same person. He is no longer late to school, now that he has a reason: her smiling face greeting him at his locker. Although it is not her intention, he goes to each class so that he may see her in the mere ten minutes between and the fifteen minute car ride home— it is not much, but it is enough to sustain him and leaves him feeling fulfilled. He wished that they could meet more after school; however, Emily’s parents were very strict with her about not going out on school nights and very concerned with her keeping her grades up. She said that it is because she had “no future prospects or interests and they don’t know how to handle it so they force her to keep her grades up in the hopes that some kind of motivation will arise”.

  For Andrew, he could find no fault in Emily at all. Even if she was a senior who had no idea what she wanted to do out of high school. There would be plenty of time to figure that entire situation out later, after all—they were still young.

  “Are you ready?” Emily asked as she tapped on Andrew’s shoulder.

  “Definitely,” Andrew said as he turned and smiled happily.

  The two held hands as they left the school building, weaving in and out of the crowded halls of students on their way home.

  “Are you free tonight?” Emily asked as they reached her yellow ford compact.

  “For you, of course,” Andrew said as he got into the passenger seat and took Emily’s bag and placed it into the backseat.

  “Oh, I was actually wondering if you could babysit my brother,” Emily said as she adjusted the mirror and put the car into reverse, “I was thinking of going out on a date tonight.”

  “Oh, that’s…that is just more cruel than funny,” Andrew said as he laughed anyway.

  “Is that too much?” Emily said as she pulled her car into the procession of cars exiting the school. “I thought you might appreciate it.”

  “I do,” Andrew said as he looked to Emily. The sunlight of the summer afternoon caught against her face in bright yellows, her eyes with their unusual color shone in the penetrating light. She looked over and smiled, looking somewhat embarrassed as she pulled her hair away from her face and let it lay where it fell.

  “Are you staring at me?”

  “I am,” Andrew answered simply.

  “Is there something on my face? Like another face?”

  “Nope, just…,” Andrew said as he attempted to keep his mind away from any negativity. He was definitely much happier than he had ever been in his life with Emily. However, this new sense of happiness brought about a trepidation that he had not felt before. Having someone so amazing and beautiful in his life that shared so many interests, and laughs, left him feeling worried that she might eventually leave him. He would be devastated if her joke was ever true, that she might be happier with someone else. “I just find you so beautiful. I worry a bit, you know, that I’m not good enough.”

  “Have some confidence in yourself. You are so much better than you think you are,” Emily said as she shook her head. “I am not going anywhere. You’re not the only one that worries, you know. You know, a few of the other girls I’ve talked about you with think you’re pretty cute as well.”

  “I had no idea,” Andrew said disbelievingly.

  “Of course, I threatened to beat them all down with a stick if they ever attempted to make a move on you,” Emily said as she chuckled maniacally.

  “Honestly, Andrew—there is no one else I would rather spend my time with than you. I understand that you worry, I worry sometimes, too, but if you ever left I’d hunt you down and beat you with a stick so I feel pretty all right about not worrying.”

  “Well, if you put it that way.” Andrew laughed.

  “I do…. Don’t worry so much.”

  “What did you have planned for tonight?” Andrew asked.

  “Did I not tell you? My parents are visiting my grandmother down south in Illinois. They won’t be back until tomorrow.”

  “I was unaware,” Andrew replied nervously.

  “I figured we could watch movies, if you could swing it, somehow—you could stay until morning. They aren’t going to be home till afternoon. But you know…just to be safe,” Emily said as though she already had the entire thing planned out in her mind.

  “I’m pretty sure I can come up with something,” Andrew quickly answered as his mind raced with thoughts of spending an entire night with Emily.

  “Duct-tape your parents’ door shut and run off when I come to pick you up,” Emily said as she laughed.

  “Don’t tempt me with such an ingenious idea…I’d be apt to do that if I couldn’t come up with a good excuse.”

  Luckily for both Andrew and his parents all it took was a simple lie that he was staying the night with a friend named Chris DeWeese who lived across the street and was more than happy to cover for him. After all, if given the opportunity Andrew would happily do the same.

  Emily pulled up in her yellow compact a few blocks from the house and Andrew ran off with a small backpack packed with overnight clothes.

  “Your parents all secured?” Emily asked as she laughed and put the car into drive.

  “I took care of them,” Andrew said as he returned the laugh and smiled. “I told them I was staying at a friend’s house. No need for the duct-tape.”

  “Well, maybe next time, then,” Emily said as she reached over and held on to Andrew’s hand while keeping her other hand on the steering wheel.

  They drove a few miles away to a remote subdivision at the east edge of town. Emily hit the remote for the garage door as the
y pulled into the large three-story house that sat at the edge of a small lake and was besieged by tall trees atop a small hill.

  “Your house is beautiful,” Andrew said as the marveled at the immaculately clean three-car garage. A pair of covered motorcycles sat upon the far edge, adjacent from the empty spot.

  “My father is a doctor and my mother works in real estate, of course,” Emily said as though she thought very little of her own situation.

  “They seem to be doing very well.”

  “It’s why they have such high expectations of me. They expect me to be either one or the other, something successful—something that will bring me in a lot of money and a rich husband,” Emily said as she looked emptily to the vacant spot in the garage her eyes narrowed with what seemed like rising anger—something that Andrew had never seen before.

  “They expect me to just know what I want to do; it’s like I have to know already and it has to be important.”

  “I’m sure you’ll figure it out,” Andrew answered as he hugged Emily tightly, slightly regretting the action as the seatbelt tugged rather unforgivingly against his chest. “If not, then who cares? You shouldn’t need to change who you are to fit anyone’s ideals of what you should be. Someone really amazing and beautiful told me that once….”

  “Using my own advice against me,” Emily said as she popped Andrew’s seatbelt and allowed a proper hug to occur.

  “You’re a smart guy.”

  “You’re an amazing person, even if you never figure out what you enjoy. I’ll always think only the best of you.”

  “I’m glad that you’ve shown me your serious side,” Emily whispered into Andrew’s ear as she released her embrace. “I bet a lot of people aren’t given such an opportunity.”

  “No one has bothered to try and find it.”

  “Their loss,” Emily said as she kissed Andrew.

  As night came they sat in the large basement theater room, eating popcorn and watching The Goonies, a movie they discovered they both had a great appreciation for. They spent most of the movie cuddled up together, holding hands. For Andrew, this moment was like living a dream. He imagined that this would be what life would be like for them when they were older. No school bell to separate them, no long hours of waiting until they could speak for longer than mere moments. No more saying goodnight over the phone, the impersonality of the happy conversations that lacked the contact of human intimacy. After the movie ended, silence filled the large room.

  “Would you come to bed with me?” Emily asked as she stood up and reached a hand out to Andrew.

  “Of course,” Andrew said as he found himself lost in her eyes. In the dim light of the room her face looked so delicate, beautiful like the face of a full moon at night. Through the light of the snowy television her green eyes sparkled and flashed in an almost hypnotic way. She smiled as Andrew took her hand and allowed himself to be led up the staircase.

  “Have you been alone here before?” Andrew asked as they snaked their way through the many halls and stairs until they reached the third floor.

  “A few times since we moved here, yes, I’ve been by myself in this house.”

  “Does it ever scare you?”

  “I don’t believe in ghosts or anything like that,” Emily said as she laughed. “However, I do suppose if there was anything to be afraid of it would be people. But the house has an alarm system, so I feel pretty safe.”

  “I think I’d feel uneasy,” Andrew said as they came to the first door at the top of the third floor. “A big place like this, I’d probably jump at any noise. My parent’s house is pretty big; well, two stories, small basement and all—just whenever I’m alone there I feel uneasy. Like it’s too big and if there was someone in the house I wouldn’t even know it.”

  “Are you trying to give me nightmares?’ Emily asked jokingly as she opened the door to her room.

  “I’m sorry,” Andrew said as he shook his head. He allowed Emily to lead him into the large, dimly lit red room. As he entered he saw all of his sketches and drawings hung in frames on every wall. He slowly walked towards the first one of Emily that he had drawn while waiting for her that first day.

  “You hung up all of these….”

  “Of course,” Emily answered as squeezed his hand tightly and placed an arm around him. “Like I said before, you are amazing. Every drawing you’ve done for me is up.”

  “Thank you,” Andrew whispered as he looked around the room in breathless amazement.

  Emily walked over to the window next to the bed; she opened it up just as the sound of rain began to fall.

  “I love that smell.”

  “I do, too,” Andrew answered as a small flash of lightning came from off in the distance, followed by the slow rumbling roll of thunder.

  Emily walked over to her closet and pulled out a short blue nightgown and began to undress.

  Andrew watched in a both confused and shocked state—much like a deer in headlights. Although her back was turned as she removed her shirt he could make out her form in the delicate light of the shaded lamp in the far corner of the room. She looked back to him for a moment and smiled, as though she did not mind.

  “Did you bring anything to change into?”

  “Ah…yes,” Andrew said as he rooted through his backpack and changed from his pants into a pair of shorts that he often slept in. “I’m sorry, by the way; I think that was rude of me.”

  “Am I beautiful?” Emily asked as she ignored the apology.

  “I have never seen anyone as beautiful as you,” Andrew said, “And my parents have Cinemax, which is totally an inappropriate thing to say, just disregard all of that last part.”

  Emily laughed as she crawled into bed and sat up against the headboard. She messed with the CD player beside the bed for a moment as Fleetwood Mac’s “Landslide” came quietly over the speakers. She then patted at the empty spot beside her on the small bed.

  Andrew climbed into bed and the two embraced each other as the sound of thunder came once more, closer, louder.

  “I’ve always loved this song,” Emily quietly said as she looked unflinchingly into Andrew’s eyes. “A lot of people prefer the newer Smashing Pumpkins version, but this one just reminds me of my childhood and has so much more meaning for me.”

  “It’s a beautiful song,” Andrew whispered awkwardly as he felt himself close to Emily. His body against hers—their faces were mere inches away from one another and they spoke only in hushed tones.

  The quiet guitar of the song filled the pauses in their soft whispers of what they hid from the world. The sound of rain thumped its muted beat against the window as the gentle breezes from the distant storm blew in the fresh scent of rain.

  “This line about getting older, how everybody gets older…,” Emily said as the lyrics accompanied. “I’ve always found that line sad.”

  “But you’re not old,” Andrew whispered.

  “Just the idea,” Emily said as she pressed her forehead against his. “I never want to regret anything when I’m older. I never want to miss an opportunity to know things or ask things—so I’m going to ask.”

  “I’m not gay,” Andrew whispered.

  Emily laughed and playfully slapped Andrew on his cheek with a light tap.

  “How do you feel about me?”

  “I…,” Andrew began then paused for a moment to think. He had a talent for saying things incorrectly or understating things he felt and he desperately did not want to mess this up. “I think about you every day. From the moment I wake up, to the moment I go to bed. I see you at school and I’m really only there for those moments in the hall when I walk you to class, or that drive home. I listen to your voice at night and I think that I would die in the absence of it. I think I sleep only to pass the hours until I can see you again….”

  “I know it has only been a week,” Emily whispered as she leaned in and kissed Andrew. “But do you think that…this is love?”

  “Yes,” Andrew replied.


  “Do you love me?”

  “You’ve become my world; without you…I couldn’t even imagine a life without you.”

  “I feel the same,” Emily whispered. “It’s okay if you think it’s too soon.”

  “I love you,” Andrew said he squeezed Emily tightly and kissed her soft lips.

  “I love you, too, Andrew,” Emily said in return.

  Outside the window a flash of thunder illuminated the room. The rain came down harder, almost muting out the quiet song of “Dreams” playing on the CD player.

  “Would you make love to me?” Emily asked as she reached down and pulled her nightgown over her head and tossed it to the side.

  Andrew swallowed hard as her exposed body was illuminated in the soft light. His eyes traced over her perfect form against the bed.

  “If you would have me,” Andrew said as he allowed Emily to pull down his shorts.

  His heart raced as he soon found himself on top of her—and then inside of her. All the while his mind raced with thoughts that this could not possibly be happening. With each moment that passed as they were connected he felt as though he had never been closer to anyone in his entire life. The waves of intense pleasure and joy filled him as she moaned out in hushed reply. The moment passed. The rain continued on. The thunder growled once so distantly that it barely registered in their minds.

  “Was that okay?” Andrew asked, instantly feeling stupid for asking.

  “That was perfect,” Emily whispered as she drew in Andrew for another long kiss.

  “I am sorry I ask stupid questions,” Andrew said as he held her tightly.

  “Don’t ever change, Andrew.”

  “I will do my best,” Andrew said as he nodded.

  They made love a few more times before the urges finally subsided, along with the rain and its storm. They slept naked in each other’s arms, each refusing to let the other go as though if the connection was lost one might slip away into the abyss of night completely.