At one point they had a shrink visiting me, but I never said anything to her either. If I were staying with Ashtyn right now, I’d be having daily or at least weekly visits with that same chick. There was no way I was going to let that happen. That’s why I’m here with Hudson. Nobody is forcing me to do anything. I can do whatever I want and I don’t have to worry about anyone. Maybe not talking was my way of healing? I’m not sure, but I can tell you I still don’t feel like I’ve been healed. How do you even know? Do you just wake up one day and say to yourself, I’m better. I’ve done my healing and everything is better now? I’m not sure.
I start climbing the stairs when I see Jax at the top of them. “Where’s Hudson?”
I turn my body and nod toward the basement. “He’s downstairs, hitting away at his drums.”
Shaking his head, he asks, “Are you going to check on him? Or should I?”
I honestly don’t even know what happened. One minute we were in the car and the next he fled. Did I do something wrong and I don’t even know it? “I’m heading upstairs. If you want to go check on him, that’s on you. I’ll be in the shower.”
Jax nods his head and starts heading down the stairs as I’m heading up. I make it to the top before he says, “You know he has feelings for you. If you don’t feel the same, you should say something now. I don’t want to see my brother get hurt.”
Why does this have to fall on my shoulders? I never said anything to Hudson to make him think I was interested in anything more than friendship. Maybe I’m being selfish for leaning on him, but he’s the only one who seems to make me feel better lately. I can feel tears start to build up. I take a deep breath and swallow them back down. Calming myself down, I turn around and say, “No, he doesn’t. Besides, I’m in no place to have any kind of relationship right now. Your brother knows that. If he doesn’t, then that’s his fault, not mine.”
“Either you’re dumb or in denial, but it’s still true.” He looks at me for a second longer before turning around and walking away. I don’t know why it’s my responsibility to make sure Hudson doesn’t get attached to me. He knows what I’m going through, and he shouldn’t expect anything from me. I go into his room and toss my backpack on his bed. I feel like washing the shit of the day off me, so I head into his bathroom with my cell phone in hand.
Hudson doesn’t have any good soap, but I fill up the bathtub anyway and pour in some of his body wash. Being surrounded by the smell of Hudson will either calm me down or turn me on. I’m not sure which is better, but either one has to be better than the way I currently feel. A nice hot bath to soak in sounds like heaven right about now. I plug my phone into the sound dock and switch on “Fighter” by Christina Aguilera. Slipping into the steaming hot bath, I clear my mind of any of the stressors of the day and focus on the anthem flowing from Christina’s voice. I hope someday I’ll be stronger than I am now. I can’t currently see that in my future though.
I know I told Hudson what Brooke and company said didn’t bother me, but it still kind of does. The last thing I need right now is the bitch crew starting problems with me. I have enough problems of my own without having issues at school. Hopefully they’ll quickly learn I’m not a threat and just back off. I guess only time will tell on that front. I sink lower into the bathtub and wonder how far I can sink under.
Is it possible to push myself under the water and just not come up? I could just slowly sink under right now and let the water take over my body. I’m sure if I held myself under long enough, I would naturally just come up. I’m not a suicidal person; at least I didn’t used to be. Maybe life for everyone around me would be so much better if I just weren’t here anymore. I push my butt forward a bit and slowly start slipping my body underneath when the door flies open. Hudson comes walking in covered with a new sheen of sweat. He obviously worked out everything he was feeling on those drums of his.
“Oh shit, I’m sorry, Chloe. I didn’t know you were in here.” He brings his hand up to cover his eyes and his cheeks turn bright red.
I giggle, slightly hysterically, because I’m completely covered. For one thing, I filled the bathtub with stifling hot water and Hudson’s body wash. For another, I was slowly slipping under and contemplating drowning myself. There’s nothing of my body to see here. Before I have the chance to say anything, he turns around and walks back out. Well, so much for that. I guess I’ll just have to try to kill myself another day. I lean forward and pull the drain stopper on the tub and watch as the water goes down. Getting up, I wrap a towel around myself and look in the mirror.
“What are you doing with your life, Chloe Weston?” Fuck if I know. Sighing more loudly than necessary, I turn around and head off to get changed and find Hudson. I don’t know why, but I feel a strong need to apologize. Maybe I’ll try to figure that out later, but not right now.
Chapter 4
Hudson
Someday I’ll get used to the fact that Chloe shares my room and bathroom with me. I can’t believe I walked in on her. I can’t get the picture of her naked, soaking in my bathtub, out of my head. Little Hudson, as Chloe referred to my dick, starts coming to attention. Right about now I’d be taking a cold shower, but Chloe is currently soaking that smoking body of hers in my tub. Shit, I need to get a hold of myself.
I don’t even think, I just go. Walking out the back door, I slip off my shoes, socks, and t-shirt. I contemplate leaving my pants on, but I add them to the trail of clothes behind me as I run full speed over the dock and jump into the freezing cold lake. It’s a shock to my body, but I force it to stay under. My previous problem shrivels up from the cold, but I continue holding myself under. I slowly sink and plant myself on the bottom. I open my eyes and look around the murky water that prevents me from seeing much further than a couple of feet in front of me. My lungs are screaming and my brain sets into panic mode.
I shove my feet down and quickly swim to the surface, breaking free with a giant inhale of air. My breathing is ragged as I turn around to swim back toward the dock when I notice Chloe sitting on the end. Her feet are dangling in the water, and if I thought she looked gorgeous soaking in that tub, that’s nothing compared to right now. Her hair is hanging down her back, the ends still dripping. Her white t-shirt clings to her body in all the places she didn’t dry off.
I’m still in the freezing cold water, but I can feel stirrings below the waist. I am so screwed. I continue swimming toward the dock, but at a much slower pace than before. Forcing my brain to think of anything other than the gorgeous girl in front of me is a lot harder than I thought. My train of thought sucks. I try thinking about football, watching some games with the guys on Sunday. Jax isn’t a huge fan, but he loves looking at the cheerleaders in their tight uniforms. I bet Chloe would rock a cheerleading uniform. Especially the ones the professionals wear. Shit.
I think we have some popsicles in the freezer. Maybe I should go eat one of those. It might cool my temp down even more. I wonder what Chloe looks like while eating a popsicle? I bet it’s sexy as hell. I can just imagine her mouth going down the popsicle and bringing the whole thing in her mouth. The things she could—
Yep. Fucking screwed.
“I saw you jump in, so I brought a towel down for you.”
I close my eyes and pretend to wipe water out of them. “Thanks. You didn’t have to do that.”
“The water is freezing and it’s not exactly a hot summer day. What were you thinking?”
Before I even think about lying, the truth comes out. “I needed to cool off. I figured a quick swim in the freezing cold lake would do the trick.”
“Cool off from what?”
“I was a little too worked up.”
I glance up at her and see her mouth has formed into an O. I guess she gets it now. I pull myself onto the dock and attempt to not get Chloe wet with the gross lake water while I reach for the towel. As I pat myself down, I look over at her and have to do a double-take. Her eyes are fixated on my body, and they’re blazing with desi
re. What the fuck do I do now? I know what my brain is telling me, but it’s not connecting with what my body wants right now. What I want right now. I turn away from her and clear my throat a couple times before I speak up.
“Thanks for the towel. I…uh…I think I’m going to go take a shower now. Rinse some of this shit off of me.”
I turn back around as she’s shaking her head. She looks up at me with a fake smile plastered on her face. “Oh yeah, that’s a good idea. Just let me know if you need anything else.”
I don’t even have to say anything else before her face turns beet red. I can think of plenty of reasons why I would need her in the shower with me, all of them one hundred percent selfish and too fast for her. It’s not that I think she’s a virgin or anything like that. I just don’t think she’s emotionally ready to get involved in a relationship. Because when we finally do something about this attraction we have, and we will be doing something about it, I won’t be letting her go. At least not easily. She’ll have to fight me for that.
One time with Chloe would not be enough for me. Hell, I don’t think a thousand times would be enough. That’s a need that I don’t think could ever be quenched, but I’m sure we’ll have more than enough fun trying. Before I change my mind and do something stupid, I start walking away. When I get up to the patio, I find all of my clothes folded in a neat little pile on the table. Turning around, I see Chloe is still looking out with her feet dangling in the water.
***
After my incredibly unsatisfying shower, I make my way downstairs, where I find everyone waiting for me. Funny thing is we’re usually waiting around for Flynn. I guess since he lives closer he doesn’t have a reason to be late. Plus my impromptu swim in the lake and my crappy shower took me a little longer.
Always the one to be incredibly serious, Flynn says, “You’d think that since you live here, you could be on time.”
I start to open my mouth when Jax horns in. “Oh, he took a little dip in the lake.” Turning toward me, he waggles his eyebrows and asks, “Did you need to cool off a bit?”
I know he’s just kidding, but he doesn’t know how close to home he hit. I turn my back from them and go sit at my drum set. “Are we ready to practice now?”
“Seriously, dude? What happened?”
I don’t want to get into this shit right now, but knowing Jax, he won’t leave me alone until he gets an answer from me. “If you must know, Jax, I walked in on her when she was in the bathtub. I obviously couldn’t take a cold shower with her right there, so I dove into the lake. It didn’t help though.”
I expect him to start giving me shit or laugh in my face, but I’m surprised when he doesn’t do either. He just shakes his head and says, “When are you going to stop torturing yourself? I realize she’s a little emotional right now. So either suck it up and go for it or let her go. We all know Ashtyn would gladly step up and take her back. She is her best friend and all.”
I bow my head and incessantly rub the back of my neck. Looking back up at the guys, I see nothing but pity in all of their eyes. When did I become the one they pitied? They’ve all had their share of shit, and I’ve always been on the sidelines, the cool and collected one who helped everyone pick up their own pieces.
“You don’t get it, Jax.” I turn my attention toward Flynn. “If this were Ashtyn, would you pawn her off onto Chloe? Or would you be by her side doing anything you could, knowing how much it was killing you inside that you couldn’t have every part of her?”
He doesn’t even hesitate before answering. “No question. I didn’t leave her hospital bed, did I? But I lo—oh shit.”
Jax looks confused and asks, “Oh shit what?”
“Yeah, oh shit what?” I ask.
“You’re in love with her.” Jude pipes up from over in the corner where he’s been fiddling with his bass.
Shaking my head, I sit down on my stool. “I don’t even know what love is. How can I feel something and not know what it is?”
Jax lifts his hands in the air and takes a step back when I look at his face. Flynn shrugs his shoulders, but Jude puts his bass down and takes a step toward me. “Let me ask you something. Is she the first thing you think of in the morning? The last thought that runs through your mind before you go to sleep at night? Would you do anything for her even if it meant being apart? Knowing it’s the best thing for her no matter how much it kills you? If you can answer yes to all of those questions, then you are without a doubt in love with her.”
“Fuck…I’m in love with her.”
The grimace that flashes across Jax’s face goes unnoticed by everyone except me. Shaking it off, I shift my gaze across the room and lock it with Jude’s, who has moved back to his original spot. There’s an eerie quiet to the room now, and I need to hit some shit. Preferably my drums so I don’t break anything. I can’t handle all of the pity heavily weighing on my shoulders. I’m choking, and the only way I can breathe is to let it all out. Let out the frustration of the situation I’m in. Let out the intense love I feel for this very broken girl. Just let it all out. “Can we just play now?”
Everyone nods their heads and we play. Typically, during practice, we attempt to write new stuff while perfecting some of our better songs. It won’t be long before we get in the studio and record our first EP. Oliver wanted us to come up with at least fifteen kickass songs, that way he could hear them all and we would choose the best ones. The songs that would make it a cohesive album.
Today that’s not even close to what’s happening. With the tension in the room, we play a lot of cover songs. These guys truly are my brothers. They know what I need and just let me waste this practice. Technically we aren’t wasting it, we just aren’t playing our own shit. Flynn starts us off with “Pain” by Three Days Grace, and it’s so fucking ironic. I lose myself in the song and just go with it. Our hour-long session goes through a variety of songs harder than what we play. Some Papa Roach, Avenged Sevenfold, and we end the night on a few of The Sinners’ songs.
By the end of practice, I’m a little less frustrated and a lot more relaxed. Just being in a room with these guys and doing our thing always does that to me. We can get lost to the world while we’re playing. My parents keep pushing me to go to college next year, but I know I wouldn’t want to be doing anything else. This is where we’re all meant to be. This is our future.
I’m drenched in sweat and need another shower, but I don’t care. We have quite literally put our blood, sweat, and tears into this band. The fact that it’s paying off is a bonus. If I never earned money from making music, I would still want to play. It isn’t about the money. It’s about the high that I get while playing. The adrenaline that flows through my body. There’s nothing better than that. Well, maybe sex with Chloe, but I haven’t had the pleasure of experiencing that yet, so I’ll have to come back to it. Right now, the best feeling in the world is when I’m playing the drums.
All the guys look back at me as we finish our final song and I just nod. If I needed it, they would have stayed here all night to play. Luckily for them, I don’t need to stay up all night. “Thanks, you guys. I needed that.”
Being serious for too long always makes Jax uncomfortable, so he says, “If we would have played our own stuff, you would have sounded like shit. You just needed to pound on some shit. Although you’d feel better if you were pounding in Chloe.”
I chuckle. He may not be eloquent with words, but he’s still my brother. He gets it, most of the time. As everyone files out of the room, I stay sitting. I’m feeling good right now and I don’t want that to go away. As soon as I go upstairs and see her face, that longing will return. I’d rather stay here for a little bit longer. Soak in the feeling I get while in this room.
Chapter 5
Chloe
I don’t know what it is, but I always seem to find myself sitting out on this dock when I’m alone. Ever since school started, the guys are getting into more of a routine with practice, and I find myself without company most n
ights. I think I’m just naturally drawn to the water. Back home, if I was upset about something, I would always be down at the beach. I don’t have an ocean nearby now, so I settle for the lake.
Hudson is the kind of guy I could truly see myself falling in love with. He has all of the best parts of Jax without the manwhoring side as well. But Hudson is way too good for me. Jax is the kind of guy I will end up with. Not that I’m complaining. I’d gladly choose a Hartley boy to be mine.
Of course his ears must be burning because Jax chooses that minute to come strolling out. He plops himself on the deck next to me, but I don’t even have to look up to know it’s him. My body hums whenever a Hartley boy is around, and I have a feeling Hudson won’t be coming back out here. “That was a quick practice today.”
He chuckles. “Yeah, well, if you’d give it up already maybe Hudson wouldn’t be so sexually frustrated.” I whip my head around. There’s no way he just said those words to me. He winks at me. Fucking winks. “You know I’m just fucking with you. Well, mostly.”
“If your brother wants me so bad, maybe he should do something about it.”
“Damn right he should.”
I turn my attention back out to the lake. The breeze is dancing over the water, putting a slight chill in the air. I should head back inside, but it’s peaceful. Pulling my legs out of the water, I hug them to my chest and relish in the silence. Jax and I haven’t had a conversation since before the accident. Sure, we’ve said hi and bye in passing, but that’s nothing compared to the long conversations we used to have. As much as I’d like to bask in the sounds of nature, I need to clear things up with him. “I don’t blame you for the accident. You know that, right?”
Shaking his head, he leans down and lays it in his hands. “I don’t know what to think, Chloe.”
I lift his head up and force his eyes on mine. “I was drunk and irrational that night, Jax. I wasn’t thinking straight and my emotions weren’t even close to being in check.”
Falling for Hudson (Marlowe series Book 2) Page 4