He raises one eyebrow as he asks, “Why did you get so pissed and leave? That’s what I don’t understand.”
“It sounds ridiculous to say now, but I was mad at you.”
Waving his arm in a circle, he says, “Okay, want to clarify a little further?”
I don’t want to clarify that further. I don’t want to tell him that I had feelings for him. That I still have feelings for him. How messed up is that? I share Hudson’s bed with him every night, but part of me wishes it were Jax. I know I can’t have them both. I know that. Doesn’t stop me from thinking about it, from wondering what it would be like to have Jax want me just as much as Hudson does. “I like you, Jax. Or I liked you. I don’t know much of what I’m feeling these days.”
“We’re friends, Chloe. I would hope you like me.”
“Not like that, Jax. I may have…started falling for you.”
His eyes bug out of his head. “What are you talking about?”
I let out a small chuckle and shake my head. “See it from my perspective. I’m a pretty girl.”
He lifts his hand and his eyes go wide. “That’s a little vain, don’t you think?”
I can see why he’d think that, but that’s not how I meant it at all. I sound like a stupid bitch, but I need to complete my thought so he knows where I’m coming from. “I’m not being vain, just honest. I know I’m pretty and I’ve never had issues finding a guy who thought so as well. But that’s the thing. Any guy I’ve ever gotten to know just wanted me for sex. But not you.”
“So you figured since I didn’t want to sleep with you, that meant you loved me or could love me? I’m not following. That doesn’t make any sense.”
“Something like that, but not totally. You wanted to talk to me. You wanted to spend time with me for me and you didn’t want anything out of me. Just my company, nothing more. I loved spending time with you and I looked forward to it. Especially when Ashtyn was going through all of her Flynn drama. One minute they’re all over each other, the next she hates him, and then they’re all over each other again. I didn’t want anything to do with all of that.”
He’s rubbing his chin excessively and says, “Okay, so we spent some…um…time together. Did…uh…I lead you on? Make you think that I wanted something more?”
I’ve gone about this whole conversation the wrong way. I’m trying to take any blame or fault off of Jax, yet he still feels he is to blame. “No, you never did that. It was just how I felt. We were friends, and after developing a friendship I started having other feelings. The night of the party I was crushed. I was confused about what I was feeling for you, yet you were surrounded by a harem of skanks.”
He turns away laughing and playfully knocks his knee against mine. “Give me a little more credit than that.”
I press my lips together in a tight line. He can’t actually be serious. “Jax, they were trashy. Even you can admit that.”
He opens his mouth and then shuts it as another whip of the wind rips over the lake. My body spazzes out in an uncontrollable shiver, and Jax gets up and walks away.
What the fuck?
I watch his disappearing form as he wanders over to the fire pit. I don’t move, completely transfixed on what he’s doing. It isn’t until I see the fire pit lit up that my brain connects with what he’s doing. Quickly I get up and venture over in his direction. I don’t realize how cold I am until my body starts tingling with the touch of the heat against my skin. Slowly I start thawing out and let the warmth envelop me. “Thank you.”
He waves his hand and asks, “What were we talking about?”
“The starfuckers, the night of the party.”
He does a double-take and rolls over laughing. “The what?”
“The starfuckers. You know, like groupies. I like the way that sounds better. It just rolls off your tongue.”
Now he’s rolling with laughter. I’ll have to thank Ashtyn for that one later. Late night browsing of UrbanDictionary.com is always a fun time. “Well, either way, I didn’t do anything with any of them.”
“Please. Before I left, you were doing a line of body shots.”
The tips of his ears turn red and he looks a little sheepish. “That may be true, but I wouldn’t have taken it any further than that. I was having fun, sure, but I didn’t sleep with any of them.”
I hate to state the obvious but…yeah. “First off, you were all over Brooke. And yeah you didn’t, because of the accident.”
Adamantly shaking his head, he sputters out, “That…that wasn’t the only reason. Sure, I like to flirt. It’s fun, but contrary to what everyone seems to think, I don’t sleep with any girl that’s willing. I’m broken, but I’m not that broken.”
Sadly nodding, I say, “I think that’s why I was originally drawn to you.”
His eyes widen. “Because I’m broken?”
How I wish he weren’t broken. Underneath all of the shit and the armor he’s built around himself is an amazing guy. Unfortunately, Jax is pretty screwed up and only shows the asshole side of himself to most people these days. I know I was one of the lucky ones who have gotten the chance to see the real him. Before that bitch broke him, I know everyone got to see the real Jax. All he’s doing is protecting his heart these days, and he refuses to get close to anyone. I hope someday a girl will come along and break down that tough exterior. I’d love to see the day the real Jax comes out to stay. “Yeah. I don’t know, it sounds crazy, but I thought I could be the one to heal you. Help you realize that not all girls are selfish bitches like Erin was.”
He cringes at the mention of her but recovers quickly. “I don’t think anyone can heal me. I’m pretty sure I’m stuck like this.”
“You’re only that way if you want to stay that way. Part of me still hopes you’ll let me be the one to heal you.”
“You should be with Hudson. He’s the better one between the two of us, and he can take care of you better than I ever could.”
Dropping my head in my hands, I blow out a frustrated breath. “You know it doesn’t work that way. Just because you tell me to be with Hudson doesn’t mean I can just drop the feelings I have for you. It’s a fucked up situation and I know that. I care for both of you, just in different ways.”
“I don’t know what you want from me.”
“If I knew what I wanted, I’d let you know. I don’t even know what the fuck I’m doing anymore, Jax.” I don’t know anything anymore. My heart is racing like it’s going to rip right through my chest. Having no heart would be preferable to the pain mine is currently causing me. My entire body shudders as the first sob rips itself from my body.
Why did she have to leave me?
Each tear that rips down my face is like a shock to my body. One right after the other and it’s never-ending. I’m suddenly aware of my body being jostled around as Jax pulls me down onto his lap. I curl into him and hold on like he’s my lifeline. My hands fist his t-shirt as I sob into the crook of his neck. He pulls me more tightly to him as he rubs his hand up and down my back. Through my sobs I can barely hear his whispers. “I’d switch places with you in a heartbeat. You don’t deserve this and I wish I could heal you. I love you.”
I lean back and his eyes are wide. “What did you just say?”
“I…I don’t know. Fuck. I was just talking and then—”
“And then you said you loved me.”
Clearing his throat, he lifts me back up into the chair and moves away from me. The tension is rolling off his body as he paces in front of the fire pit. “It wasn’t that big of a deal. I don’t even know what I’m saying. Let’s just forget it.”
Pushing up from the chair, I move over to him and grab his arms. He shrugs out of my grasp but doesn’t move to continue pacing. “It’s a fucking big deal, Jax. What do you mean you love me? Not even ten minutes ago you were telling me I should be with Hudson.”
He rips his fingers through his hair like he’s going to pull every last piece out. His shoulders are hunched over with
tension and growls before replying. “You should be with Hudson. He’s the one who’s good for you. I could never be good enough for you.”
Nodding my head, I take a step back. “Because you still love Erin.”
He looks up and sighs. “Because I still love Erin.”
“Then why’d you say it?”
Dropping his head, he refuses to look at me when he whispers, “Because I love you too.”
All of the air whooshes from my body and my stomach knots itself a million times over. Reaching behind me, I find the chair and plop myself back down. What the fuck just happened? And what am I going to do about it?
Chapter 6
Hudson
It’s weird to think just a few short months ago, we didn’t even know much about Jude’s home life. I feel stupid thinking back now, but it never came up. We hung out, we practiced, and we went our separate ways. To know that I was sleeping in a warm bed and Jude was sleeping in his car makes me feel like complete shit. He never said anything, but I should have known something was going on. Fortunately, Flynn helped him out as soon as he found out.
Now, today, everything is going to change for him. For the better. When Dad found out about what was going on, he started getting everything going to get Jude emancipated. There was no way any of us would let Jude’s mom near the band. No way in hell. After months of the court dates being pushed around, today Jude is finally going to get what he needs. We’re all on edge, waiting. Jax has been pacing and Jude is sitting in the corner not saying much. Not that that’s any different from normal, but the stress level is off the charts today. I get up and walk over to him and take a seat.
“How are you doing, man?”
He sighs and leans his head back against the wall behind him. “As good as can be expected, I guess. Abbie’s pissed at me. I get why she wanted to be here for me, why all the girls did, but I don’t want them anywhere near this. I didn’t even want you guys with me.”
“Yeah, well, there was no way we’d leave you to deal with this on your own.”
“That’s why I didn’t argue about it.”
We go silent after that, and shortly after, the courtroom is opened up. I know the girls are pissed, and like Jude said, he didn’t want any of us here today. We weren’t going to leave him alone. We’re family and we’re all in this together. Even though it’s not why we’re here, what happens today affects the band greatly. It could be the difference between starting now or putting our dreams on hold for a couple of years until Jude turns eighteen. None of us want that, especially not Jude.
We’ve been sitting in this courtroom for hours as the judge handles one case after another. There have been a few divorces. One in particular was kind of ridiculous. The man was a plastic surgeon, and from what I could tell the wife didn’t do much. They were dividing up homes, vehicles, his practice locations, and even a plane. My parents are well off, but that was just over the top. After a few custody cases and an adoption case, it’s finally our turn. Or Jude’s turn.
The judge calls the next case. Dad and Jude shuffle up toward the front of the room, and that’s when we finally get a look at her. Jude’s mom looks like the kind of woman who used to be pretty before life and drugs beat her down. Her golden hair is extremely stringy, her clothing is saggy on her frail body, and there’s a horribly covered up bruise on her cheek. There’s no way the judge could look at her and not award Jude his emancipation. After getting his opening spiel out there, Jude’s mom raises her hand like she’s in a classroom. “Judge Wilmoth.”
“Yes, Mrs. Winters?”
She stands up and pushes her lackluster chest out as far as she can. Where does this woman think she is? “I’d like to request this be a closed courtroom. This is a family matter, and I don’t feel like it’s appropriate for my son’s friends to be present.”
Jude goes to stand up, but the judge puts his hand out. Plus, Dad reaches his arm up and tugs Jude back down to his seat.
Clearing his throat, the judge says, “If one of the parties is uncomfortable with the court being open to the public, then we close the room. Everyone else present and not applicable to the case, please leave.”
I glance over at Jax and Flynn. We’re all struggling with this and don’t want to leave Jude behind. Luckily he has Dad by his side. After a little grumbling, we all three get up and shuffle out of the room. A bailiff follows us, and as soon as we exit the room, the door closes behind us. So much for being here for support. Ready for an even longer afternoon, we park ourselves in some chairs near the window and wait. After a couple of hours of alternating between staring off into space and fiddling with our phones, Jax finally breaks the silence between us.
“So, do you think we’ll be here all day? Or—”
Jax doesn’t even get to finish his thought before we hear a commotion coming from inside the courtroom. “Jude, baby! Don’t let them take me away. I’m your mother. Please!”
We all look at each other and get up and move toward the courtroom. As we’re getting closer, Jude comes strolling out with Dad. We’re all standing around in complete shock, unsure how to handle this. Jax is the first one to speak up though. “What the fuck is going on?”
Jude just shrugs and nonchalantly says, “She’s an idiot. She was leaning far over, trying to flash her cleavage to the judge, when a baggie of meth fell out of her bra. Fucking idiot forgot it was even in there. They had to verify what was in the bag before anything could happen, so we’ve mostly been waiting around for confirmation.”
The three of us glance between ourselves. Man, Jude comes from a pretty fucked up family. That shit is intense. Who even does that? It should be obvious what happened next, but I’d rather he give us all the details instead of us assuming. So I ask, “Okay, and then what happened?”
He runs his hand over his face and through his hair, tugging on the ends. His jaw is clenched as he tightens and releases his hands into fists at his side. “Basically what you just saw. Any argument she had went out the door. They’re whisking her off to jail and I was granted my emancipation. She should never have shown up. She could be sitting at home smoking her precious drugs instead of going through withdrawals sitting in a cell.”
It’s not the time or place, but we can’t hold back our hollers, which rewards us with the stink eye from people around us. Always being the smart one in the group, Flynn states, “Yeah, so let’s get out of here before they decide to arrest us for disturbing the peace.” That gets some more hoots and hollers out of us, but we quickly make our way out of the courthouse. We all agree to meet back at our house to have a mini celebration. Flynn and Jude head off to pick up Ashtyn and Abbie while Jax, Dad, and I head home. It’s been a good day.
We’re all pretty quiet on the drive home. Flynn has constantly been telling us that “Weightless” by All Time Low is our mantra. We all have given him shit for it at one time or another, but he’s right. Everything has been falling into place, and it’s happening more quickly every day. I have absolutely no reason to doubt him anymore. When we pull into our driveway, I start to get out of the car, but Dad stops us. “I’m going to head into the office and get some extra work done. I’m glad I was able to help out your friend today. You guys have fun. You have a reason to celebrate today.”
Mom’s out of town at some spa retreat or shopping trip. Whatever it is she does in her free time. Jax nods his head, gets out of the car, and heads toward the house. I’m compelled to talk to Dad further. “Why is Mom always gone? Or for that matter, why are the both of you always gone?” He becomes the picture of a broken man as he leans his head down against the steering wheel. I turn in the passenger seat and face him head on. “Do you want to talk about this right now, Hudson?”
With a question like that, right now is the best time to have this conversation. Something is up and I’m determined to find out what. “Yeah, I do. What’s going on, Dad?”
“I had an affair.”
My head whips back like he slapped me. “What the hel
l? What are you talking about?”
Raising his head, he turns his sad eyes to mine before choosing to look out the window instead. “Earlier in the summer…it’s so fucking cliché and I never meant for you or your brother to find out. I had an affair with my secretary. Business was slow and I was so stressed out that we might lose the house. So one night it happened, but as soon as it was done I felt even worse than before. I immediately came home and told your mom what had happened.”
“No offense, Dad, but why the hell didn’t Mom leave you?”
“I begged her to stay. I got down on my knees and I begged. I love your Mom and I love you and your brother. I screwed up and didn’t think. Anyway, we’ve been in counseling ever since. One of your mom’s friends from college has her own practice in Seattle, and she lets us see her on the weekends. I’m paying an astronomical amount, but it’s helping.”
“So that’s every weekend? That doesn’t explain where Mom always disappears off to.”
“I guess we screwed up with this whole situation. Your mom has been staying up in Seattle while we work through our issues.”
My hand involuntarily clenches and unclenches. My body is buzzing with adrenaline and I’m so tempted to hit Dad. I’ve never wanted to hit him before. “What the fuck, Dad? You didn’t think it was necessary to tell us that Mom isn’t even living here?”
“Honestly, we didn’t think you’d notice. You have all of the band stuff going on. It’s not like it’s going to be forever. Just until we can fix our issues.”
“I get that. But you still should have told us.”
“Yeah, we should have. I’m sorry about that. Please don’t tell your brother though. I’d rather it come from me and your mom.”
I hang my head. Why did I have to even ask? I could have just left it alone, and now I’m keeping something from Jax. I can’t lie to him forever. “Just as long as you promise that you’ll actually tell him.”
“I will. I promise.”
Falling for Hudson (Marlowe series Book 2) Page 5