'Scuse Me While I Kill This Guy

by Leslie Langtry

  Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to celebrate. “That means so much to me. What I have to tell you isn’t going to be easy to hear. In fact, I’m forbidden to tell you at all.” I took a deep breath. “But here goes.”

  I paused dramatically before continuing. “Diego, I never was a bodyguard. It’s quite the opposite, really. I’m actually an assassin.” I waited for the words to sink in, which, by the way his face fell into shock, happened sooner than I thought.

  “You’re an assassin? Is this a joke?” Diego frowned.

  “No.” And so I began to tell him everything. About my family, our history and mission in life (and, I guess, in death). And let me tell you, the Icelandic Sagas weren’t this long. I would also hazard a guess that they weren’t this interesting either, judging by the way his mouth hung open. Then I launched into the family reunion and the quest for the mole. I finished with the evidence that pointed to Dak. The whole thing took two hours and would have been a lot easier to deliver with a snappy multimedia presentation, but I only had so much to work with, and time was running out.

  Diego sat there silently for a while, absorbing every word I said. I could tell at the beginning that he thought I was kidding. That made sense, though. Who would believe it? It’s a pretty weird story.

  “Do you have anything stronger than tea?” Diego finally asked. I nodded and pulled a bottle of wine out of the cupboard, opened it and poured it into two glasses. The first sip gave me a high, stemming some of my hangover. I usually didn’t drink on a hangover. But then I usually didn’t get drunk either. At this point, I really had to say that scruples were for suckers.

  I watched impatiently as Diego drained his glass. This wasn’t something I could rush, even though it would’ve been nice if he’d said, That’s great! I’ll take on the Bombay name! Let’s get married and I’ll help you with your work!

  Instead, he looked me right in the eye. “So you’re an assassin. And your whole family—your mum, your brother—are all assassins. And you have to turn Romi into one?”

  I tried to read into his words as I nodded. “I know it sounds crazy.” I shrugged. “I just grew up with it. I haven’t really known it any other way.” Okay, I fibbed here. I knew it was wrong. But I needed some sympathy.

  He sat back, filling his glass again. “Did you ever realize that it’s wrong to kill people?”

  Whoa. I didn’t expect that. “Yes, I know it’s wrong to most people. But everyone I take out is really bad. Terrorists, spies, murderers ...”

  “People like you,” Diego said quietly.

  “Um, I don’t, well, yeah. Sort of.” I was confused. “I mean, I’m not a terrorist or spy.”

  “But you are a murderer, and have been since you were fifteen. Right?” Diego’s voice was very, very calm. Like, eye-of-the-hurricane-in-the-Bermuda-Triangle-on-Friday-the-Thirteenth-with-a-black-cat-and-ladder-in-your-boat calm.

  My stomach flip-flopped. “I usually have only one job a year. This month was unusual in that I had two, but they were both bad guys. One was selling military secrets to the Chinese and the other used corporate money to support South American terrorists.”

  Diego buried his face in his hands and I realized this was going to be a lot harder than I thought. All of a sudden, I started to panic. What had I done? I’d never even told Ed any of this! Aaaaahhhhrrrg! The jackhammer left my head and started on my heart. I was pretty sure that after this next glass of wine, it would go after my liver.

  “Gin, I’m trying to wrap my mind around this.” Diego struggled and I knew it was the truth. “I want to believe there aren’t really people like you out there.”

  “We just take care of people the government can’t. The U.S. doesn’t sanction assassination. We ...”

  “So you’re a patriot?” he asked doubtfully.

  “I don’t know about that,” I answered.

  “So you just do it for the money?” he countered.

  I shook my head. “I’m not a profiteer! I’m not a mercenary! But I don’t necessarily do it for my country.” It hit me. I had never really questioned what I did. Why was that?

  “Dammit, Gin!” Diego stood and shoved the chair away. “I don’t know what to say! I want to buy in, but it’s against everything I ever believed!”

  “I can understand that. It’s never easy to tell someone outside the family. I know it’s difficult to accept. And it was unfair of me to unload this on you.” The wine left a dry, tangy feeling in my mouth. I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and drank.

  “Do outsiders usually have problems dealing with this?” Diego asked.

  “Yes. I guess. I don’t know. I never told Ed.” A small part of me felt like I was betraying his memory by telling Diego. How could I tell him when I never told my husband?

  His eyebrows arched in surprise. “You never told Ed? Why?”

  I sat down. Why hadn’t I told him? “I guess I didn’t think he’d take it very well.”

  “I can understand that,” Diego said quietly.

  “So, I blew it with you, huh?”

  “No, Gin. You didn’t blow it with me. I still want you. But I have to come to some kind of understanding with this. And I’m pretty sure I don’t want you to do it anymore.”

  “You have no idea how much I agree with you.” I licked my lips. “It’s not like it’s easy. Granted, I’ve fostered a pretty cavalier attitude toward it my whole life. But it’s not an easy lifestyle to accept.” Dak was the main example of this.

  “Well, first I guess we should deal with your problem. Then maybe we can take a long vacation and sort this out.”

  My heart exploded! Diego was going to help me! And then there would be a vacation! Maybe with lots of sex! I ran over and climbed into Diego’s lap, kissing him frantically.

  “I love you so much!” I said between kisses. “I never thought I’d find someone like you. Not in a million years!”

  Diego pulled back. “Hold on there, Gin. Air must flow to my brain in order for me to think.”

  I leaped off his lap and returned to my seat. “Right. Solution first, sex later.”

  Diego laughed and I felt wonderful. Surely nothing could ever screw this up!

  “You said you had two jobs this month? Anyone I know?” I was pretty sure he was joking.

  I could feel my skin burning. Why did I say that? I was going to tell him, someday, about his client. Now was not that time.

  So I lied to the love of my life. “No. No one you know.”

  Diego’s eyes narrowed. My heart bounced around in my chest. Surely he couldn’t see my treachery. Damn. My hands were shaking.

  I watched as his eyes grew wide with realization. “No! No! It can’t be!”

  Diego was too smart to fall for my bullshit. My only hope was that maybe he could handle it.

  “Diego, I ...”

  “You killed my client?” His shock was pretty clear. “You murdered Turner?”

  I stood up. “I had to! It’s not like we have a choice!” I was an idiot to think he would still love me after hearing the truth.

  “You put me out of work! You set this up from the beginning! Oh my god!” He started pacing, running his hands through his hair. “You stalked me at the bookstore, lured me to your table. You seduced me in order to get Turner!”

  What? “What? No! I didn’t know when I met you that I’d be assigned your client. It was just a weird coincidence. That’s all!”

  Diego shook his head. “I can’t believe I was so stupid! Not only am I a failure at my job, I’m an idiot too!”

  Uh oh. This was very, very bad. “No, you’re not. You had no idea who I was. I didn’t get the assignment until after our first date. I didn’t trick you!”

  Diego’s eyes betrayed his pain. “How could I be so stupid? I fell for you hook, line and sinker. I played right into your hands.”

  “Now wait a minute. If I were really conning you, I wouldn’t have told you all this.”

  “Turner was my client. You had to kn
ow that before you took him out.” He wasn’t shouting, but he might as well have.

  “Honestly, Diego! I didn’t know he was your client until after I killed him—when you came looking for him that morning!” Oops. What was wrong with me? Can’t I keep my mouth shut for two minutes?

  He turned a scary shade of pale. “I didn’t really believe it until you just now said it. You killed Turner. You lied to me when I came over. Why, he was probably on his way to the zoo at that very minute!”

  I was mad now. “Well, that shows what you know! He was dead on my living room floor while I talked to you at the door.” I clapped both hands over my mouth, as if that would take back the words I shouldn’t have said.

  “You’re nothing more than a murderer! A common killer!” Diego exploded. “I’ll bet you thought it was real funny—humiliating me like that.”

  “Hypocrite! You had no idea who Turner was! You told me you don’t work for the bad guys. Ha! You didn’t even know he was funding terrorist activities south of the border. He was evil, and I did my job!”

  Diego sneered. “Yeah. You were just doing your job. That of a hired killer. Some career path!”

  “Oh yeah? Well, at least I did my job well! My client didn’t die at the hand of my girlfriend!”

  Everything suddenly went into slow motion, like we were walking through water. I knew I had screwed up royalty before the last word left my mouth. I had taken Diego’s humiliation and shoved it up his ass.

  “Good-bye, Gin,” Diego said very quietly. He turned toward the door.

  “Diego, wait! I’m sorry!” I ran after him, but he pushed me aside.

  “It’s too late for that. Don’t worry, I’ll keep your secret. But I never want to see you again.” And then, Diego Jones walked out of my door and out of my life.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

  “That’s the key to our team. We have so many weapons. You can just pick your poison.”

  —Steve Nash

  So this was what it felt like to lose everything. Well, almost everything. I still had Romi, but from the looks of things, she was headed for the same trouble I was in, in about thirty years. Diego was and soon Dak would be out of my life forever. And it was all my fault.

  Okay, so maybe I had nothing to do with Dak being the mole, but I would be responsible for his death. Can you even imagine what it was like to go from absolute elation to complete despair? Diego had told me he loved me. He was even starting to accept me, and I had to mess it up beyond all recognition.

  It was as if I’d forgotten how to breathe. Or maybe I didn’t want to anymore. In fact, if it weren’t for Romi, I would have taken myself out right then. The pain was crushing—like being on the canyon floor when Road Runner drops an anvil-shaped boulder on you. Or at least, that was how I saw it.

  I’d had love in the palm of my hand. And I’d willingly thrown it away. No. That was too soft. I’d given it a thousand paper cuts and pushed it into a lemon juice bath.

  I probably would’ve spent several days lying on the floor by the front door, wallowing in self-pity. That is, if Liv hadn’t found me a couple of hours later.

  “What the hell are you doing?” she cried.

  “Oh, nothing. Just dying. Make sure I get cremated. And I want you to have that Hello Kitty lamp in my workshop.” The hard floor had numbed all feeling in my extremities, but I just stayed there, punishing myself. It kind of made sense, really. I’d caused Diego all kinds of pain. He thought I had conned him so I could get closer to his client and kill him. Diego believed I’d never loved him and knew I murdered Turner. He must have felt horrible. First he’d failed at his job; then he’d lost his heart to a heartless assassin who used him.

  That wasn’t the case, but he believed it. In Diego’s mind, I had hurt him in every way possible. And I hated myself for it.

  “Are you going to get up and tell me what happened or do I have to lie down there too?” Liv looked down at me.

  “You could speed things up by putting a bullet in my brain. Or I have a lovely colorless, odorless, fast-acting poison that tastes like Godiva chocolate,” I responded.

  “What happened, Gin?” Liv sat next to me, legs crossed. I told her everything. Why not? Soon I’d kill my own brother, and then I’d have to raise my little girl to follow in my evil footsteps. I couldn’t hate myself any more than I already did.

  “Wow. You’re evil,” Liv replied. She threw in a whistle for emphasis. “Poor Diego. I can’t imagine what hell he’s going through.”

  I nodded in agreement, even though it hurt my head to do so.

  “So, aren’t you going to go after him?”

  I shook my head. “I can’t. He’s right. I’m such a death-dealing bitch. Diego deserves better than me.” I switched to an Australian accent. “Maybe he’ll move back to Australia. Marry a sheila and settle down to raise a bunch of bruces.”

  Liv grabbed me by the arm and pulled me up. “You are so pathetic.”

  I pulled my arm away. “Easy for you to say. You’re happily married to a wonderful man and you didn’t have to kill his boss. And let’s not forget you don’t have to hunt down your own brother.”

  Liv responded by dragging me to the kitchen and making me a cup of coffee. Then she called Mom and asked her to pick up the kids from school. I sat and listened while she got Todd to pick up their kids and then called Dak, asking him to come over. I said nothing throughout. I just sat there, drinking coffee and picking at all my emotional scabs over and over again.

  Liv sat down. “Dak’s on his way. I think we should focus on this problem first. Then you can talk to Diego and explain things. You fell pretty hard for him, didn’t you?”

  I nodded. “He told me he loved me. So, I told him I killed his client and ruined his life. Pretty much par for the course for me.”

  “Well, channel that frustration into something useful.” She nodded in the direction of the doorway as Dak came into the kitchen.

  She was right. I’d saved up a lot of anger and now I had a place to spend it. For now, I needed to focus. Diego was still alive. But Dak might not be for much longer. One thing at a time.

  My older sister mode kicked in. “Sit,” I told Dak, pointing to a chair. He looked at me with a mix of confusion and fear. Good. Feel my wrath.

  “What is your problem? Liv and I know what you’re doing. Now we have to find a solution so I don’t have to kill you,” I said levelly.

  “Gin, what the hell are you talking about?” Dak asked, his eyes wide open.

  “You’re talking to the FBI and Scotland Yard. You’re getting ready to turn the Bombay Family in! And I’ve been assigned to kill you.” I was now channeling Dirty Harry. I tried to do that little Clint Eastwood squinty thing. I could go upstairs and get my .44 magnum, but the pause would detract from my dramatic approach.

  Dak looked from me to Liv, eyes widened even further in shock. “What? There’s a mole in the family?”

  Liv crossed her arms over her chest. “Don’t play games with us, Dak. You have some serious explaining to do.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about! I’m no traitor.” Recognition sprang into his expression. “Hey! You called me a tractor last night! Is this what that was all about? Helga was pretty freaked out.”

  I nodded.

  Dak rose from his chair. “I didn’t do it! Why would I try to take down the family?”

  Liv chewed her lip, looking at me. I could see her faith was faltering.

  “Wait here!” I raced to my workshop, grabbed the memory stick and laptop. I hoped Liv had brought the cell phone. I joined them in the kitchen.

  “Look what I found at your house!” I plugged in the stick and ran the photos. Liv cocked her head to the side, eyebrows arched at the pictures of Dak’s conquests. When it got to the family photos, Dak just stared.

  “And how do you explain the cell phone?” I demanded. As if on cue, Liv handed Dak the phone. He looked at it as though it might sprout teeth and bite him.

  “
I ... I don’t know what to say.” Dak had gone pale. I had him.

  “Why, Dak? Why did you do it?” Liv pleaded.

  He turned toward her. “I didn’t do anything! That’s what I’m trying to tell you! I never took those pictures! I don’t know how the hell anyone got a camera in my bedroom.” Dak pressed a button and went back through the photos. “Or the kitchen and the living room ... and the garage. And I don’t know anything about this!” He held up the phone. “Really, Liv! If I had one of these—I would have shown it to you!”

  Liv and I looked at each other. I guess we had just expected him to admit he did it. It hadn’t occurred to us that he’d deny it all.

  I rubbed my forehead. “Dak. Just admit it so we can figure out how to save you.”

  His face turned red. “But I didn’t do it! Why don’t you believe me?”

  Liv said, “It’s too late for that. Don’t deny it. That’s just wasting time. The Council’s been calling Gin every day—harassing her into producing the mole.”

  “We have to deal with this, Dak. There’s no time to pretend it’s not you. Let’s just move on.”

  “I didn’t do it!” Dak protested. “I swear, I’ve never seen this shit before.”

  “So I suppose you’ve been framed. Is that it?” I said rather sarcastically.

  “Yes! That must be the answer!” Dak nodded furiously. “Someone is setting me up. Probably the guy who really did this.”

  I sighed, feeling the weight of the situation settle into my bones. Dak was sticking to his story. Liv and I were frustrated. We either had to tie him to a chair and get a confession out of him, or I had to render him unconscious and deliver him to Dela. Either way, we were going to be here a while. I sighed again and picked up the phone to order pizza. What? I never had lunch! Remember? I was lying on the floor for hours.

  I hung up the phone after ordering. No specials today. Dammit. “Okay, we have thirty minutes to work this out. Then we eat. After that, we stay here until we have a plan. Okay?”