BEASTLords of Carnage MC

by Daphne Loveling

  Jenna takes a deep breath and forces herself to meet my gaze. She puts a careful hand on her stomach.

  “And this isn't a mistake either.”

  35

  Jenna

  I know he’s going to be furious.

  I’ve left it too long; it’s too much to handle all at once. Finding out that you’re a father to not just one child, but two, in the span of thirty seconds is enough to make any man run screaming.

  I know Cas loves me. I do. But I have no right to expect him to take all of this on. I won’t saddle him with this, though. I won’t make my children grow up with a father who doesn’t want them.

  Cas’s face turns dark, and stormy, and I take a deep breath and wait for him to explode.

  “Jenna,” he says, fiercely but with a gentleness that takes me by surprise. “You were never a mistake. Never.”

  I don’t know what to say to that, so I hang my head and don’t respond for a moment. My heart leaps with hope at the fact that he didn’t immediately get up and leave, but I force myself to admit that this doesn’t mean anything. I’m not going to beg and plead with him to stay with me. I’m just going to tell him the truth — finally tell him the whole truth — and whatever he decides to do with it, I’m just going to have to accept.

  “I know I should have told you,” I murmur. “I’ve been trying so hard to figure out how to explain. And every day, it got harder instead of easier to tell you.” I put my hands to my still-flat stomach. “And now this.”

  My eyes meet his. “I just found out, Cas. Just a few hours ago. I took the test while I was waiting for you to come back.” I raise my head. “And this time, at least, I knew I couldn’t make the same mistake with you I made last time. I knew I needed to tell you everything, right away. But you’re not under any obligation here,” I continue, my jaw setting with determination. “I’m not asking for anything, Cas. I just wanted to do right by you this time. That’s all.”

  “Jenna…” He reaches forward and grabs me by the shoulders. “Do you really think I’d leave you alone in this?”

  “I know you’d do the right thing,” I reply sadly. “But that’s just it. I don’t want it to be like that. I don’t want my children’s father to feel obligated to us. I don’t want a… a partner who’s only with me because he thinks he has to be. I’d rather that these children have only one parent who really wants them, than have to suffer through having two but know one of them is only going through the motions.”

  “Jenna, stop it!” Cas growls, cutting me off. “Remember what I said to you before? Now that you’re my old lady, Noah’s my responsibility, too. We’re a family. That was true even before I knew this.” His hand goes to my tummy. “Now it’s even more true.” His eyes grow dark again. “So don’t fucking push me away.”

  “You’re mad,” I murmur.

  “Hell yes, I’m mad!” he half-shouts, then his voice drops as he remembers Noah’s sleeping next door. “But not for the reason you think.” He raises his hands in a frustrated gesture. “I’m mad because you seem determined to believe I don’t want these kids. You’re hell-bent on believing that I’ll be making this huge sacrifice by staying with you. Jenna, Jesus.” His voice breaks a little. “You keep saying you don’t want these kids to feel like mistakes. Why are you letting yourself feel like a mistake?” He takes my head in both of his hands, making me look at his earnest, serious face. “You’re the best fucking mistake I ever made, Jenna Abbott,” he says, his voice husky. “So stop pushing me away and let me love you.”

  This time, he doesn’t wait for an answer. He brings his mouth down on mine, in a kiss that’s sweet and soft, but with an intensity behind it that’s unmistakable. Our tongues dance, and in that moment I know he’s telling me the truth: that he wants me. That he wants this.

  A life together. Us. With our children.

  For the first time maybe ever, a bunch of puzzle pieces seem to fly together in my mind. All my life, all the mistakes I’ve made, seem to reassemble themselves into a picture of wholeness, of perfection.

  What if all the mistakes I’ve ever made weren’t mistakes at all? What if they were just all the pieces that needed to happen to get me here? Where I was supposed to be all along?

  “Oh, wow,” I breathe as Cas’s lips leave mine.

  “What?” His mouth begins to burn a path down my neck. “I thought you were used to my massive size by now.”

  In spite of myself, I snort. “That’s not what I was wowing about.”

  “What, then?”

  His hand slips under my shirt, his thumb grazing my already-taut nipple. I gasp with pleasure. “Tell you later…” I manage to croak out as my hands reach to fist in his hair.

  He removes my shirt and bra and his hands cover my breasts, cupping one and bringing it to his mouth. The instant his tongue swirls around the hard bud, I’m overcome by lust, a bolt of electricity jolting straight to my core. He teases me, chuckling low in his throat as I whimper and squirm at his touch. His mouth remains locked on my nipple, but his hands leave my breasts to open the button on my jeans. He slides them over my hips, and I do everything I can to help him, but I can barely think straight, already anticipating what I know he’s about to do to me.

  Cas slides a hand between my legs, and they fall open for him of their own accord. “You’re so fucking wet,” he groans against my skin. “God damn it, I love how fucking wet you get for me.”

  “I want you inside me,” I whisper. “I need it. I can’t wait.”

  I don’t need to beg him. He throws off his clothes and is kneeling next to me in a heartbeat. The beauty of his hard cock never ceases to amaze me. I reach out and wrap my hand around the shaft, loving the hot velvet of his skin. He takes in a sharp breath and watches me, thrusting into my palm just slightly with every stroke.

  “Fuck me, Cas,” I ask him simply.

  He moves between my legs, sliding his large head against my wet folds. I throw back my head and moan, the anticipation already driving me crazy. I close my eyes and wait for him to enter me, but for a second he hesitates. I open my eyes to see him frowning above me.

  “Is it okay to do this?” he asks.

  “What, you mean because I’m pregnant?” I giggle. “Considering that the baby’s about the size of a pin head, I think we’ll be okay. Plus, the good news is, I’m already pregnant, so no need for birth control.”

  “Good points all,” he growls, grabbing my hips and pulling me closer to him.

  Cas slowly slides his shaft into my waiting channel, and I let out a low moan as he fills me up. I clutch at the sheets, my back already arching. He begins to move inside me. “Oh, God,” I gasp. “That’s so good. So, so good.”

  Cas’s rhythm starts to speed up. “It’s pretty hot fucking a pregnant chick,” he rasps.

  I grip his strong thighs, pulling him into me, wrapping my legs around him. “More. Harder,” I urge. The slide of his cock, slick from my juices, is delicious and hot against my pussy. I arch my hips, adjusting the angle just tiny amounts to increase the pleasure as he continues to slam into me. God, I had no idea how good it felt to be fucked hard until I met Cas. It’s never too much. I’ll never get enough of him.

  My breath comes shorter and harder as he thrusts, my need becoming more urgent. Already I’m so close, I know it’s just a matter of seconds before I lose control. Cas grabs my hips and pulls me hard against him. “God, I love fucking you, Jenna. I can’t get enough. Come with me, baby, come now!”

  My pussy swells tight around his cock and I come hard, my muscles spasming as he releases deep inside me again and again. It’s just as good as it always is with him. But this time it’s better.

  This time, I know it’s forever.

  36

  Cas

  The deepest, best sleep of my entire fucking life is interrupted at three a.m. by the sound of my phone vibrating next to my head.

  Groaning, I carefully detach myself from Jenna and lean over to grab the thing from the night
stand. Angel’s name flashes on the illuminated screen. I turn away from Jenna’s sleeping form and press the button to answer.

  “Hey,” I mutter quietly into it, hoping I won’t wake Jenna.

  “Hey,” Angel responds. “I need to talk to you. Need to give you a heads up.”

  “You find him?” I ask.

  “Yeah.” Angel sounds tired, and pissed, and stressed. “I had a hunch about where he might have gone to hide out. Turns out I was right. Abe’s been fucking double-dealing all along. With the Lords, and with the Iron Spiders, too. You know that deal he was trying to close with Rock and our club for the loan? Part of the money was gonna go to pay off a debt he already owed to the Spiders.” Angel’s voice turns angrier. “And when the club voted against the loan, Dad went to the Spiders and offered to try to sell them information on us as another way to pay them back.”

  “Son of a bitch,” I swear. I swing my feet to the floor and sit up.

  “No shit,” Angel agrees.

  “So, is that why Hurt bugged Jenna’s place?”

  “Yeah.” Angel laughs, a short, dry sound. “I guess Hurt told Dad about you and Jenna, and Dad was fucking desperate enough to think maybe he could get some intel on us through listening in on you.”

  “What was Hurt’s angle, you think?” I ask him.

  “Dunno.” I hear Angel light up a smoke on the other end. “Dad freaked out when I told him Hurt said he was working for the Spiders. Maybe Hurt figured he could cash in by selling Dad out or something.” He takes a long drag and blows it out. “Not sure we’ll ever know.”

  “Rock’s gonna want Abe’s head for this, if he finds out,” I say carefully.

  “I know.” There’s a sound in the background that might be a voice. “If the Spiders don’t get to him first, that is. The only way to keep him safe now is to get him out of town. Maybe out of state.”

  “Where are you at right now?”

  “It’s best you don’t know,” he says, his voice flat. “I probably shouldn’t even tell you this much. But I’d have to tell Jenna. And you’re family, now.”

  It’s true. Jenna’s family is mine now. Just as much as the club’s my family.

  “What are you gonna say to Rock?” I murmur.

  Angel sighs. “The only thing I can tell him. That I went out looking for Abe and couldn’t find him. That I assume the Spiders got him. That I’m pretty sure he’s dead.”

  “Jesus. That’s a pretty serious, uh, lifestyle change for your dad,” I say. “He prepared for this?”

  “It’s better than being dead,” Angel says bitterly. “He says he’s got someplace he can go. Some assets he can draw on. I think maybe he’s been preparing for something like this. I ain’t gonna ask him where he’s off to, though.”

  I nod to the phone. “Probably best.”

  “Thing is,” Angel continues, “The three of us are gonna have to stick to that story. You, me, and Jenna.” He pauses. “I know that’s a tall order, brother. Asking you to keep a secret from the club.”

  It is a tall order. Rock expects absolute loyalty from everyone in the Lords of Carnage. And that’s as it should be. You don’t survive as an outlaw MC unless you have that from every one of your members. That’s why it takes so long to prospect. That’s why the vote for someone to get patched in has to be unanimous. Every single member of the club has to be confident that anyone new would fight and die for us all.

  And I would. I’d lay down my life for any one of my brothers. That’s a given. They’re my family.

  But Jenna’s my family now, too. As is Angel. And as fucked up as Abe Abbott is, he’s my children’s grandfather.

  I understand the need for vengeance. Club justice is Old Testament shit. An eye for an eye.

  But in this case, I’m not going to let Abe Abbott’s stupid mistakes hurt everyone around him. I won’t let his fuckups hurt my family.

  I make my decision.

  “You’ve got my word, brother,” I tell Angel.

  I hear him exhale. “Okay. Thanks. You’ll tell Jenna?”

  “I’ll tell her,” I say.

  Next to me, she stirs and opens her eyes. “Tell me what?”

  “That her?” Angel asks. “Shit, I don’t mind telling you this is gonna take a little getting used to, you and Jenna.”

  I laughed. “You’ll have plenty of time, brother. Talk to ya.”

  I hang up and gather Jenna into my arms. I tell her it was her brother on the phone. I explain everything that Angel just told me: what her dad’s been up to, that Angel’s with him now, and that Abe is going to have to disappear. She cries. I hold her.

  Later, after she’s mostly stopped crying, Jenna tells me about the Abe Abbott she knew. About the father she remembers.

  “It’s so sad,” she says, looking down at her hands. “My dad has made some shitty choices in the last few years. Ever since my mom died, it’s like the only thing he cared about was money and power.” She shakes her head in disbelief. “Even to the extent of cutting a deal with the Iron Spiders, apparently. God, I never would have guessed he was capable of that.”

  I understand what she’s saying. Angel told me back then that he’d overheard Abe on the phone one day not long after their mom Maria had died in a car accident. Abe was talking to Rock. Apparently, Rock thought Maria’s death might have been payback to Abe for striking a deal with the Lords instead of the Spiders for territory. If he really believed that, it’s fucking sickening that he’d enter into any kind of deal with the MC that killed his wife.

  “My dad was never really the same after my mom died,” Jenna continues. It’s almost like she’s talking to herself. I just listen, and let her say what she needs to say. “I mean, he was always driven, you know? He was always really proud to be a successful and important man in Tanner Springs. But after the accident, he just sort of… disappeared as a father.” She looks at me. “I think maybe every time he looked at Gabe and me, he just saw an empty space where my mom should have been.”

  Jenna sighs. “Pretty soon, the only thing that seemed to drive him was making deals and getting reelected.” Jenna shifts now, and sinks against my chest. She sounds so tired. “Maybe doing business was the only way he could forget what happened to his wife. To erase that part of his life. To feel like carrying on living actually had some meaning.” Her voice cracks, and turns tinged with acid. “I guess he did a pretty good job of forgetting all of it, if he could stand to do business with the Iron Spiders.”

  Jenna starts crying again, quietly. I don’t know what to say, so I don’t say anything. She collapses against me, and a wave of protectiveness rears up inside me, so fierce it almost scares me.

  I will never, ever let her get hurt again.

  “Jenna,” I murmur, my voice husky with emotion. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry you have to go through this.”

  “It’s just,” she says in a small voice, “I feel like my whole family is disappearing.”

  “I’m your family,” I tell her fiercely. “You’re my family.” I put my hand on her belly, marveling that there’s a whole other life in there. One that we created together. “This is our family.”

  “I know,” she whispers. She lifts her head to look at me. Her eyes are shining with tears, and with something else, too. “I love you, Cas Watkins.”

  “I love you, Jenna,” I say, feeling the strength in the words, like a prayer. “Forever.”

  Epilogue

  Jenna

  “Daddy!” Noah cries, running through the brightly-colored autumn leaves. “Carry me!” He reaches up his little arms to Cas, his eyes beseeching.

  “Noah, you’re six years old! You’re a big boy now,” I admonish him as we walk along. “You can walk on your own two legs.”

  “But I’m tired!” Noah complains dramatically, as though we’ve been walking for hours. His eyes go from me to Cas, giving both of us his best forlorn and exhausted look. I roll my eyes, but I’m trying not to laugh. Noah loves his daddy so much, he’ll use just
about any excuse to get a shoulder ride from him.

  Cas looks over at me and winks. “You need a birds-eye view, buddy?” he asks his son.

  Noah whoops with excitement as Cas scoops him up in his arms and deposits him high on his broad shoulders. I hang back for a moment and watch as the two of them continue down the long gravel drive. Noah is the spitting image of his father with his deep cocoa-colored eyes and tousle of brown hair. As always, it makes my heart swell to look at the two of them together.

  We’ve been walking for about half a mile now. This road’s a little rougher than I remember from when I was a kid. Granted, I haven’t been here for years and years. I didn’t even know it still existed, frankly, until we got the postcard. I’m glad we decided to park my car further back and decided to walk the rest of the way. I’m not sure we would have had the clearance to make it all the way.

  “Good thing we decided not to bring the stroller,” Cas remarks, seeming to read my mind.

  “No kidding,” I agree. My hands instinctively move to the little warm bundle I’m carrying snugly in the wrap against my chest. A little coo of contentment comes from my newborn in response. Adoringly, I kiss the top of her little head and breathe in the intoxicating new baby smell.

  “My little baby,” I whisper to her. “My sweet little girl.”

  We’ve named her Mariana, after my mom, Maria. She was born four months ago, coincidentally in the same birth month as my mother. Looking at my little daughter, I can already see that she’s going to have my mom’s eyes, and her tangle of blond hair — although Cas insists that Mariana got her hair from me. I let it start growing out and going back to its natural color when I got pregnant, and just last week I managed to trim the last of the darker ends off. I don’t know why, but it felt like a liberation to do it. Like I was coming back to myself.