My worst-case scenario turned out to be true, and I feel like I jinxed myself thinking of it. If you listened to what was said tonight without knowing my family, you’d just have a father trying to make sure his kids will be set up and happy in case something was to happen to him, but that’s not how Robert Collins works. He’ll only do things that have an interest for him and can bring him more money or something that will be useful. I’m not sure what his scheme is to set us all up, but there’s something that goes deeper than just him acting like a caring father.
The low purring of my Impala resonates in my head, erasing temporarily what happened tonight.
The various signs at the end of each street and intersection lead the way for me as I drive aimlessly. I don’t want to think or feel. I just want to forget everything that happened today. Everything that happened for the past thirty years when my nightmare started, when my mother passed away.
An hour later, I find myself at the cemetery where my mother is buried. I didn’t expect to come here, but it feels appropriate. In moments like this, I’d go to my mom and ask her for advice. I know she’s not able to talk to me or even hear me, but letting it all out as if she were there has been the one thing that has kept me somewhat sane.
I park the car and get out of it. I lock it and make my way through the cemetery gates.
Robert never cared about her. When she fell pregnant with me, he was mad from what I’ve heard. Apparently, he never wanted kids, so why have three more after? It makes no sense. That’s the first thing that messed me up, knowing I was never wanted.
The more I think about the events that took place when I was a kid, the more it makes me wonder what are Robert’s motives to set us all up. He seems to have someone planned for all of us. I had been dodging his plans for years until I came back here. A part of me wanted to be part of the family again. I call it a temporary lapse in judgment. Why did I let myself get roped into this fucking mess?
I groan to myself, frustrated with the fact that I let this happen to myself and didn’t even protest up until now.
“Hey, Mom,” I say sitting down by her gravestone. “I know it’s been a while, and I’m sorry. I’m not even sure why I’m here tonight. I had yet another fight with Robert, but this time, it was worse. I knew something was up with Caroline and Frank’s respective wedding. He’s setting us all up for some unknown reason, and it’s messing with my head. I told him the way I felt about it all and broke it off with Lindsey, the girl he set me up with. I don’t know how it’ll go from here. I mean, he could surprise me and respect the fact that I want nothing to do with any of this, or he could just try to fuck things up for me even more. Hell, I even confessed that I have feelings for a man. I don’t know if it’s love or just lust or curiosity, but Matt makes me feel. I realized tonight when I told them how I felt that it was right, that I didn’t feel ashamed. I know I haven’t tried anything with a man but fuck, just the way I feel when I’m around Matt is enough to set my world on fire.” I chuckle through my tears. “I wish you were still here. I know you would tell me I did the right thing and that I should live my life to make me happy and not please others. And I’m sure you’d love Matt. Besides Madeline, I have no one. Well, I have Ellie and the guys at work, but it’s not the same. I can’t say I miss having someone by my side because I never really had anyone to begin with, but it’d be nice. I don’t know what switched in my mind today to actually want someone by my side. Maybe it’s because I’m finally ready to let go of the weight of the family that was holding me down. I’m not sure. I just hope it’s not too late for me.” I blow out a breath and rub my face, getting rid of the tears.
It feels good to let my feelings out, though I’m sure it didn’t make much sense, but no one is here to listen to me and answer me so I don’t give a fuck if I sound like a crazy person.
“Stop thinking and start living. You shouldn’t let your family weigh you down. You need to start living a little,” a voice says from behind me scaring the shit out of me. I let out a startled scream and turn around to see a little old lady standing there. “Sorry, darling. I didn’t mean to scare you.” She chuckles.
“It’s okay. I didn’t hear you come over.”
“I know. I’m part ninja.” She winks at me.
“That you are.” I smile and stand up.
“I meant what I said. You need to live your life for yourself. If you don’t, you’re going to regret those years you’ve lost, and you’ll let people who could have been in your life longer go, and you’ll regret it when you’re an old man.” Wise words I should listen to and live by, but it’s easier said than done.
“Do you have any regrets?” I ask her. I don’t know why but I feel compelled to talk to her.
“Walk me back to the entrance will you?” I hold my arm out for her, and she links hers. We start walking, and she takes a deep breath. “My late husband was married when we met. We fell in love with each other rather quickly but back then, divorce wasn’t allowed, at least not in his family. We kept seeing each other until his wife passed away. Rest her soul. She got cancer and passed away quickly. I was happy that I could have my Gerald with me, but I couldn’t help feeling bad for her. I never wished for her to die, but I wanted to be with my Gerald. We did get to marry and be happy together and have kids, but his family rejected him because he never gave them any grandkids with his first wife.”
“Were you feeling guilty because you were having an affair or because she passed away quickly?”
“Because she passed away. When you love someone, no matter what, you won’t feel guilty about having those feelings. Even if it can be considered wrong, who cares. As long as those feelings make you happy in here.” She taps my chest where my heart is.
“I wish more people thought like you do.”
“I’m just an old lady who’s been through her share of drama. My husband died last year. Three of my four kids passed away in horrible conditions. I’ve witnessed most of my loved ones lose their life, and I’m still standing. I do feel guilty about that. I feel like it’s payback for the affair I had with Gerald.”
“Sorry for your losses, that’s horrible, but surely it’s just coincidences.”
“Do you want to know something?” she asks whispering.
“Yes.” I still don’t know why I’m having this deep and private conversation with a stranger, but it feels good to know that someone has those views on love.
“If I had to do it all again I wouldn’t change a thing. Yes, I’ve lost most of my family in the last five years, but I’ve had fifty amazing years with Gerald and my kids, and I know I’ll be joining them soon.”
“There’s not one thing you’d change?” I ask, curious.
“No.” She smiles, sounding at peace with herself and her life choices. “If I can give you any piece of advice it’ll be this. Listen to your heart, not your head. Do what you want to do. Try new things. Just be yourself and be happy, screw the consequences; life is too short. Focus on yourself and your own happiness, and things will get better. I promise.” She smiles at me and squeezes my hand.
“Thank you. I usually hate talking to people, but you’ve opened my eyes tonight. Thank you for eavesdropping.” I chuckle.
“You’re very welcome. What else can a little old lady like me can do at this time of the night anyway.”
“Do you need a lift anywhere?”
“I live just there.” She points at the house closest to the cemetery. Bit of an odd choice to live this close to one, but I’m sure she has her reasons. “I don’t drive, and I don’t want to bother my last son and his family whenever I want to come visit the rest of my family. Weirdly I enjoy spending hours in here talking to my husband and kids. I might just be a crazy old lady, but that’s how I feel, and it makes me happy. I know it’s an odd choice to willingly come live here, but that’s the only way I can be and feel close to them for now.” A sad smile spreads on her lips.
“It makes sense.”
“If yo
u ever need to talk, about anything, you can find me by the orchard or at my house. I mean it. I still make mean cookies.” She winks at me.
“Thank you…”
“Rose, and you?”
“Thank you, Rose, I’m Nate.”
“A pleasure to meet you, Nate.”
“The pleasure is all mine.” I smile and walk her to her house. The distance is just a couple of yards, but I wouldn’t want her to trip as it’s quite dark out already.
“Don’t forget…”
“I won’t. I’ll come over to see you soon.” I smile and make sure she gets in okay before heading back to my car.
This isn’t something I had planned in my day. I didn’t expect to meet a kind stranger who wouldn’t judge me by my choices and would tell me to explore what I’ve been curious about for the past twenty years.
I drive back home feeling lighter than I’ve ever been before. I never expected today to end like this, but I guess it’s on a pretty positive note, and I have a new friend. Even though she’s a little old lady, she made me feel better by talking with her for a couple of minutes than my family ever did in thirty-five years.
I need to let go and move on.
I’m just about to go to bed when there’s a knock at the door. I’ve been home for a couple of hours now and have been cleaning up the rest of the mess Lindsey made and packed up her stuff to send to her tomorrow. I don’t want any remnants of her presence here anymore.
I walk to the door and open, shocked to see Matt.
“Pizza delivery.” He smirks, leaning against the door frame.
“Bad porn preview?” I chuckle, opening the door to let him in.
I don’t know how things are going to go with Matt, but whatever happens tonight, I won’t stop it.
Usually, I would be all about spending time with my friends and enjoying that time, but after the disaster that happened at Nate’s table, I quickly lost my appetite and just wanted to go after him. However, I didn’t want to put him through more trouble than he already is in. Had I followed him, I’m sure his family would have suspected something.
I knew I had to come make sure he’s okay. I don’t know if I’m the guy he mentioned, and even if I’m not, he probably needs a friend, and I’m willing to put our little friendly feud to the side.
“How do you feel?” I ask as I place the pizza box and six pack of beers on the kitchen island.
“Oddly good,” he says surprising me. I thought he’d be a mess with what happened.
“Do tell?” I ask him.
“It’s a long story.” He doesn’t seem to want to talk, but I have to know.
“Come on. I brought pizza and beer. I’m more of a cheese and wine guy. That’s my way of saying I’m putting whatever feud we have to the side and offering you a shoulder to cry on.”
“I’ve done my crying for the day.” He sighs and takes an angry bite of pizza.
“What happened? Besides the obvious.” I take a bite out of the slice I picked up, and it’s actually quite good. I’m not much of a pizza fan. Cheese shouldn’t be melted to me.
“Went for a drive and to the cemetery where my mom is buried,” he says sounding sullen.
“Sorry to hear.” I frown placing my hand on his. He doesn’t pull away nor appears to be uncomfortable with the gesture.
“It’s okay. It happened thirty years ago. I just like to go there whenever something like tonight goes down.”
“I take it wasn’t the first time?”
“I stopped counting twenty years ago.”
“That’s a shame. Why is your father such a dick?”
He chuckles. “I wish I had an answer to that. To this day, I still don’t know, and I don’t think I ever will.”
“Some things are better left unanswered, but I can see why it would mess you up.”
“I need to let it go and live for myself.” He sighs and licks tomato sauce from his fingers. Now I wouldn’t mind sucking his fingers clean…or something else for that matter. “Why are you looking at me like I’m a piece of meat?” He raises his eyebrow.
“Sorry, dirty thoughts crossed my mind as you were licking your fingers.” I chuckle.
“Great…” he mutters.
“Hey, you didn’t seem to mind the flirting this morning at the shop.” I hold my hands up and take a sip of beer. I frown at the bitter taste.
“It’s still new to me.” He shrugs and walks to the fridge, getting a bottle from it and pours a glass. “Probably not up to your standards, but that’s all I have.” He hands me the glass of wine, and I swoon a little that he’d think of giving me a glass of wine.
“Thank you, I appreciate it. How long have you known about your feelings for men?”
“Straight to the point, huh?”
“Yeah, I’m not judging you. Hell, I’ve known most of my life that I was gay. I appreciate a woman’s body, I’m not against hugging or cuddling with them. I just like the intimacy better with a man, and well, I like the dick better.” I chuckle.
“I wish I was as confident as you.” He sighs.
“It takes time and acceptance of it. Have you ever experimented?”
“No, I’ve been repressing the feelings I’ve had for twenty years, and I’ve never had the guts to act on them or even try anything. It’s scaring me.”
“What’s scaring you? That you’re gonna like it?” I take a sip of wine, and it’s not bad.
“Good?” he asks nodding toward the glass.
“Yes, but don’t change the subject.”
He sighs. “I’m not sure. I’ve been taught all my life that a man should love a woman and be only with one all his life because that’s how life is supposed to go.”
“According to your father. Besides, he’s not with your mom, so he’s living in sin too. He’s not God, he’s not the ruler of your life; he’s ruining it. Sorry for being so harsh, but your father is an asshole, and you need to live your life for yourself and not for fear of what others will think of you.”
“You oddly sound like a little old lady I met,” he scoffs.
“I’m a little old lady inside.” I chuckle. “But I mean it, though, you really should do what makes you happy. If trying to be intimate with a man is what you want to do, then do it. If you want to have an orgy with twenty women and be the only man, then so be it.”
“That’s one way of seeing things. I’ve never tried because I’ve always been too chicken shit to actually approach a man and try even just a kiss.” He shrugs.
“I’m here when you’re ready.” I wink at him, and he blushes.
“Good to know.” He picks up another slice of pizza and takes a bite to busy himself so he can avoid the subject. I usually love to put people on the spot and tease them, but I don’t want to make Nate feel bad about what we’ve just talked about. He’s confused enough as it is.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure. What’s up?” He looks up at me, those beautiful baby blues locking with mine.
“Well, I have a couple of questions.”
“You’re lucky you brought pizza and beer to hold me up then. I hate talking about myself.”
“So bribery works. Good to know.” I smirk, and he picks up the box and his bottle of beer. I pick up my glass and follow him to the patio. It’s still chilly outside, but it’s a beautiful night so we might as well enjoy it.
“Don’t get used to it.”
“I won’t. Did you really propose to Lindsey?” I ask, intrigued.
“No, I found out this morning after you left that I was engaged. Apparently, it was decided last night when I kicked Lindsey out and she went crying to my father. They decided to settle things for me and probably thought I was going to go through with their plans.”
“That’s messed up.”
“You could say that. I know what I did tonight is only going to start a shit storm of trouble for me, but I couldn’t take it anymore. Something in me snapped, and I’m glad it did. I’ve never felt lighter in m
y life. The consequences might fuck me up even more, but right now, I don’t care.”
“If you need any help or anything, don’t hesitate to ask.”
“Thanks, I appreciate it, but why would you help me?”
“Because what happened to you is unfair, and even though we’re supposed to hate each other, I’ve never really hated you. I felt bad for you last night with Lindsey. Not in a pitiful way. I just know what it’s like to be stuck with someone you don’t really want to be with or are just not bothered with anymore. That’s how it was with John when I broke up with him.”
“Thanks, I’ve never really hated you either. Just John.” He chuckles.
“Why him?” I ask confused.
“I had just moved in here, and I was getting ready for bed. I looked outside of my bedroom window, and I saw you fucking him. We looked at each other, and I was jealous of him and well jealous of what you two had. To be free and live your life the way you wanted. I did hate you a little because man, you were fucking loud.”
“Sorry about that.” I chuckle. I remember that night. Seeing him watching us was a massive turn on, and it just made me fuck John harder.
“It’s alright. I’m just glad you’re either keeping quiet or not fucking them here anymore.”
“I want to settle down, not fuck a different guy every night. I’m way past that stage in my life.” I shrug.
“Good to know. I thought you had more than one thing to ask me?”
“Yeah, you yelled at your father something about being sent to war and losing a limb?”
“Yeah.” He rubs his face.
“I get it if you don’t want to talk about it. I wasn’t sure I caught that right and well, I’m nosey.”
“Don’t I know that.” He chuckles.
“Guilty as charged.” I wink and take a bite of pizza.
“My father sent me to war because it’s in the family, and he caught me watching gay porn at sixteen. He wanted me to grow up in a harsh environment to show me the reality of the world we live in and how a man loving a man is wrong, and that I should focus on serving my country instead of feeding my sick perversion—his words, not mine.”
Love at First Hate Page 7