“Besides this, everything in my life is turning to shit.” He waves his hand around, looking defeated.
“Wanna talk about it?”
“Not necessarily. I don’t want to bother you with my problems.”
“I offered, and I was kinda dragged into it unwillingly last night when bitchzilla wrecked your place. How bad is it by the way?”
“True, sorry about that. Couple of things broken, it was more for show and because she can’t get what she wants.” He shrugs.
“Don’t mention it. What is it that she wants that you won’t give her?” I raise my eyebrow holding back a witty comment.
“Marriage, babies, the perfect life she thinks she’d get.”
“How come you don’t want that?” I ask genuinely curious.
“I never wanted to get married or have kids. I’ve had the snip for years now and uh…”
“Yeah?” I chuckle lightly seeing his discomfort. “I’m not judging you, I could have just for being with Lindsey for so long if you feel nothing for her.”
“Fair enough. I’ve been confused about my sexuality for twenty years. I’ve never acted on it, but it put me in a lot of trouble so I’ve just been repressing it.” He shrugs sounding as if he’s just accepted his fate of never giving in and trying it out to see if he would like it better with a man.
“I still don’t get how parents can make their kids feel so awkward about their sexual choices that they have to repress their feelings and go against who they are, not being able to give into their true selves and miss being happy.” I feel bad for him that he hasn’t had the freedom to do that.
“I know. I’ve learned to accept it.”
“You shouldn’t have to.”
“I know, it’s just the way it is.” He rubs his face and hangs his head in his hands, resting his elbows on his knees.
“How long have you been with Lindsey?”
“A year or so.”
“Ever been happy with her?”
“No.”
“Any feelings for her?”
“No.” He looks up at me.
“Why are you with her then?”
“She gives great head?” he asks, and we both chuckle.
“Could be a good point, but she’s way too annoying to put up with just for the great head. Why aren’t you breaking up with her?”
“It’s not as easy as it seems.”
“Why not?”
“It’s a long story.” I can tell he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore.
“I’ll let you off this time, but I’ll get it out of you one day, Nate. And that day I’ll fuck that awesome little ass of yours.” He chuckles and gets up to get his station ready, probably to keep himself busy because I’m making him uncomfortable.
“Promises.”
“Don’t tempt me to just bend you over this table and fuck you, as your boss is in the room next door,” I whisper.
“What are you doing to me?” He groans in his hands and rubs his face.
“Hopefully making you realize that there is more to happiness than just pleasing others so that they don’t make your life harder. You deserve to be happy, Nate. You know where I live if you want to have a beer or some food.”
“I thought you were more into wine than beer.”
“I can appreciate a cold one from time to time.” I wink at him and get my bag before leaving the shop.
This morning has been a lot more interesting than I thought it would be. I finally cracked through some of Nate’s thick wall he’s built around himself for years. It might not seem like much, but he confessed to me things I’m sure he hasn’t told anybody else, which makes me feel a little bit special. I hope he’ll come forward and actually talk to me if he needs it. For this brief moment we were talking, all the hate we’ve had for each other is gone, and it feels refreshing. Who knows what the future will bring after this more than interesting encounter with my rude and loud neighbor.
The things Matt does to me are unreal. I feel like I’m fifteen all over again and just talked to a crush for the first time. I need to get a grip and get rid of this raging boner I get whenever I’m around Matt.
My phone ringing makes me come crashing down hard from my Matt high. I could have just let it ring, but I have it set so that the different demons in my life—aka my parents, Lindsey, or my siblings—have different ringtones. This time, it’s my father. The reason I came crashing down so hard is because I remember the time he sent me away because he caught me watching gay porn, and I feel like he just busted me all over again after the little moment Matt and I shared.
At least Matt is gone now. I know how worked up my father gets me, and I didn’t want Matt to see me in the state I’m in after talking to Robert and taint what we shared.
“Sir,” I say picking up the phone.
“About time, Nathan.” His stern voice greets me.
“What do you want?” I ask annoyed.
“Don’t you dare use that tone with me. Lindsey came to see us earlier. It is disgusting the behav-”
“She’s the one who broke countless shit in my house.” I try to defend myself, but I know it’s pointless. Lindsey can never do any wrong.
“Because you treated her as if she was any other broad.” He raises his voice.
“You all know where I stand when it comes to marriage. I’m not interested in that relationship going any further. If none of you can accept it, then that’s not my problem.” I stand my ground, and it feels fucking good, but it’s short-lived.
“Listen to me, you little shit. Tonight you’re going to join all of us for dinner at Shanahan’s at seven. We’re going to celebrate yours and Lindsey’s engagement. I do not care if you don’t want to marry her. You’ll be there, and you’ll go with it. If you’re not there, trust me when I say this—It’s going to be a hell of a lot worse than when I sent you to war. The choice is yours.”
He hangs up before I get to say anything else. I’m shocked into silence. I knew I was going to get shit today, that’s why I was on edge this morning. However, I wasn’t expecting this. It’s going to be a fucking mess and a nightmare. Not only tonight but whatever they have planned is not going to go well. The temptation of packing and leaving is getting more and more appealing.
“Knock, knock, you alright?” Ellie asks knocking on the door.
“Just peachy,” I groan and refrain from throwing my phone against the wall.
“You don’t look it.” She walks in and sits on the table where Matt was sitting just a few minutes ago.
“It’s a long story.” I blow out a breath.
“Do tell, I like a good story.” She smiles at me, clearly not gauging the state of my mood.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I mutter.
“Judging by the fact that you look like you could just strangle someone right now, something must have fucked up your morning.” She points out the obvious.
“Talk about my life not my morning, and my genitor just called.”
“What did dipshit want?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” I rub my face and sit at the table where Matt’s future tattoo design is.
“I just want to help you. You know I always give good advice.”
“I know. It’s just so messed up.”
“I do good with messed up. Come on, tell Ellie.”
“He just announced that I am to join my family tonight at Shanahan’s to celebrate my engagement to Lindsey.”
“Please tell me you didn’t fucking propose, or I swear I’m calling the closest mental institution and getting you locked up,” she yells at me.
“Calm down. No, I didn’t propose. We had a fight last night because I told her again that I didn’t want to get married. She threw one of her tantrums then called daddy dearest, and now he’s decided we’re getting married.”
“That’s bollocks! Tell me you’re not going to go through with it,” she asks sounding worried.
“No way in hell!”
“But
you’re going to go to dinner because daddy dearest threatened you.” She sighs knowing the answer to that already. “I’ll be on standby all night, if you need me to rescue you, just call me.”
“You’re the best.”
“I know.” She smirks and pats her shoulder.
“So humble too,” I scoff and get back to my drawings.
I spend the rest of the day stressing out about tonight’s dinner. Ellie’s constant teasing and my thoughts wandering off to my chat with Matt are making it hard for me to focus on the tattoos I have to do. Thankfully, I don’t have any big pieces to do today so I can’t complain.
Skipping my daily post-work gym session was probably one of the worst ideas I’ve had in a long time. I could have done with letting out some of the pent-up tension that built inside of me since last night. From the fight with Lindsey to the mad flirting with Matt to my father announcing that I am now engaged. My life has gone to shit right in front of my very eyes, and I didn’t even see it coming. Or I was just too self-absorbed in my inner turmoil that I didn’t see what was going on right in front of me. Either way, I’m screwed and not in the good way.
I’ve played various scenarios in my mind all day long about how things would go tonight. I’m not sure if any of them will be accurate, but they all end up with my parents casting me away from the family. I’m hoping things will go that way. It’d be perfect. I wouldn’t have to go to my brother’s wedding and put my family to shame because I’m the black sheep of the family, and I’d have peace for the rest of my life. That’s the best case scenario, but I know damn well that it won’t happen that way. I still don’t get why they bother with me, it’d be so easy for all of them to forget about me and just leave me be.
My worst nightmare would be that they arranged a double wedding so that my brother, his fiancée–Olivia, Lindsey and I would get married on the same day, and I wouldn’t have any say in that. I’d rather be back in Afghanistan than let that happen. Yes, it’s that bad. If things were different and Lindsey wasn’t trying all she can to get pregnant and married, then she’d be a decent girl to get to know and maybe fuck on the regular, but her constant nagging about weddings and babies is just getting too much. She still doesn’t know I got the snip and can’t have kids. I kinda wish I could just tell her. I’d pay good money to see her face when she figures that one out.
It’s about time I get my life back on track. I’m tired of living my life how others want me to live it. I haven’t been allowed to do things, and I’ve let that happen because it was easier than to actually deal with my family, but I can’t take it anymore. I know it’s going to be hard, especially in the beginning, but I need to do what makes me happy. I don’t know how that’ll go, but it’s worth a try. My happiness and well-being are at stake.
Getting out of the steaming shower I’ve just spent the past hour in, I wrap a towel around my waist and hop onto the counter. I wipe the steam from the mirror and look at my reflection.
I look older than my thirty-five-years. War, worry, and unhappiness have taken their toll on me, and it shows. My eyes are void of any emotion and so is my heart. I barely recognize myself. I can’t remember the last time I took some time to look at myself in a mirror and was actually happy with what I saw in the reflection. I’m decent looking, but I don’t have anything to offer to anybody. I’m damaged beyond repair.
This pity party seriously has to stop. I’m annoying myself with this bullshit. I need to get my ass in gear for myself. I might even pay a visit to Matt after dinner if I can muster up the courage to do so. I was debating for long minutes if I should grab him and kiss him, but my courage quickly vanished. I really want to see where things could have gone.
I trim my beard and style my hair before going to my room. I have to find something appropriate for tonight. I know I have to be somewhat presentable for them. Not that I care, but I want to avoid any sort of other drama besides the engagement, that’ll be enough for one night, but if I make too much of an effort they’ll think I’ve finally come to my senses and accepted the idea of getting married to Lindsey. No matter what I do, I can never win.
I settle on a black pair of jeans and black button-down shirt paired with my black boots and a leather jacket. Not your usual presentable, but that’s how good it’ll go with me. I’m sure Matt would approve of this outfit. I don’t know why I suddenly care if Matt would approve of my outfit, but that’s what came to mind upon seeing my reflection.
I rush down the stairs as I’m already running late, not by much, but enough for my family to give me shit about it. I lock the door and get in my car. I start up the car and type in the address in the Satnav as I have no clue where my parents wanted me to meet them.
Nerves are getting to me as I find myself tapping my fingers on the steering wheel. It’s not that I fear my family, but when you’ve lived your entire life being judged by them because they never approved of any of your choices, it’s kind of hard to just go into this, knowing what they have planned without feeling nervous. I’m also wondering why the hell I’ve let them rule my life for so long. It feels like I was brainwashed and I’m only coming to my senses now.
Half an hour later, I finally park in the parking lot of the restaurant and walk over to the entrance.
“Good evening, sir. Do you have a reservation?” the hostess asks me.
“Good evening. I’m joining the Collins table.”
“If you’ll follow me.” She walks past me, and I follow her. The closer I get to the table, the harder I feel my heart pound in my chest. As if it’s just going to burst out of my chest like a little alien. It’d be a lot more pleasant than what I’m faced with right now. To my right, my family all sit at the table, drinking and talking to each other, looking as they’ve just buried someone; stone-faced people look up at me, judging my appearance and the fact that I’m late. To my left, Matt and his friends, smiling, drinking, and having fun. The contrast is shocking. Both tables are here to celebrate something that should make them happy yet, one table looks fucking miserable, and I have to join that one when all I want is to sit at Matt’s table and have fun. Matt notices me and waves. I want to wave back, but I know it won’t go down well with my family. They’ll judge them, and I won’t be able to take their criticism to a table full of people they don’t know. I give him a simple nod and join my family’s table.
“About time, Nathan,” my father says through gritted teeth.
“I couldn’t find a place to park.” I sit down between Olivia, Frank’s fiancée and my sister Madeline, the only member of my family I get along with.
“You should have planned ahead and left earlier. You know how bad the traffic is at this time. We went ahead and ordered for you,” Linda, my stepmother, says.
“Charming. What if I don’t want what you ordered?”
“Well, you should have been here on time,” she sneers at me. It’s going to be a long ass evening.
“Let’s not talk about the food but about what we’re here to celebrate,” Lindsey says raising her champagne glass, and my family joins her.
“To Lindsey and Nathan, to a happy engagement and a happier wedding.” Everybody raises their glasses besides Madeline and I. Madeline isn’t twenty-one yet, and I don’t do champagne nor do I want to celebrate this masquerade.
“Nathan, your drink,” Linda says through gritted teeth.
“I’m not going to toast to something I’m totally against but go ahead, don’t mind me.” I lean back in my chair and hold her gaze.
“Don’t talk to your mother that way,” Robert says not pleased with my attitude.
“She’s not my mother. I’m thirty-five, I’ll talk to her however I want to, and if you really expect me to follow through with your sick and twisted idea, then you’re really wrong. That’ll never happen,” I whisper loudly.
“You know what, I don’t know why I still bother trying to get you the finest things in life. I’ve done my best to give you a good life, to make sure you all were set
up and didn’t have to worry about finding a significant other, set you up in a nice house, with a bright future. Why can’t you follow suit like Frank and Caroline did? Caroline is happily married and just moved into a beautiful home, and your brother is doing that in a couple of months. Why can’t you be like your brother and sister? Why can’t you just do what people ask you to do? You’ve been such a disappointment, Nathan. Since you were a little kid you’ve always been the shame of the family,” Robert says with venom in his voice.
“You want to know why I don’t want any of this? Because it doesn’t make me happy. I don’t love Lindsey; I never have, and I never will. Because you sent me to war, I’ve lost one of my legs. I still have fucking nightmares almost every night with the horrors I saw out there. I don’t want you to rule my life. I’m thirty-five, and it’s time I take back my control of it. I don’t give a single fuck if you approve of my choices or not. Hell, I think I have feelings for someone and guess what? He’s a man. If you can’t approve of that then honestly, I won’t lose any sleep over it.” I push away from the table and get up.
“You sit your ass back down and finish this dinner with us. You’re going to come with us to the Bahamas and get married to Lindsey on the same day as your brother and his fiancée, and you’re going to shut up about it. You have no say in the matter,” Robert says pointing his finger at me.
“Tough luck. I’m done with this family. You can all go to hell, besides you Maddie. Lindsey, it’s over. I’ll get a box with the random shit you’ve left at my place and have it sent to you. Don’t bother trying to contact me again because I won’t answer.” I blow out a breath and turn to leave.
My eyes catch Matt’s, and all I need to know is right there. He looks at me the way I have always wanted someone to look at me. With love and care. I know it’s almost impossible that what I’m seeing is what’s really happening, but in my current state, I’ll take it. I rush out of the restaurant and get back into my car. I need to put as much distance between myself and my family as I can. I can’t stand them anymore, nor do I want to spend any time with them.
I start my car and drive away as fast as I can. I doubt any of them would follow me, but I don’t want to risk the chance.
Love at First Hate Page 6