A Broken Soul (The Pembrooke Series Book 3)

by Prince, Jessica

  I looked between him and Janice as nerves started to take over, and I began to rock back and forth in the chair. “Apologize,” I finally answered. “I came here to apologize to both of you, but nothing I can think to say is good enough. I want to tell you how sorry I am, but now that I’m here I’m fucking it all up.”

  Janice’s forehead wrinkled in confusion. “Apologize to us for what, Quinn?”

  I could hear the anguish in my own voice as I finally admitted, “Apologize for taking your daughter away from you. I’m so goddamned sorry for putting you through so much pain. I’ve wanted to say this to you for three and a half years, but I was too much of a fucking coward.”

  “You…” Janice trailed off and a lone tear breached her eyes and traveled down her cheek. She visibly struggled to find the words, but Garrett didn’t have the same problem.

  “You think we blame you for Addy’s death?”

  “It was my fault,” I rasped, losing the tenuous hold I had on my emotions. I hadn’t cried in years, not since I lost her, but now, sitting in front of two people who’d both earned my love and respect… well, it was all too much, and I felt the wet hit my eyes before I could do anything about it. “It’s my fault. If I’d have been paying better attention—”

  “It was an accident!” Garrett boomed. He stood from the couch and began pacing in agitation. “Jesus Christ, son. It was a goddamned accident. Is this what you’ve been thinking all these years? That we blame you for losing Addy?”

  My gut clenched in discomfort. “You could barely look at me…”

  “Because I was hurting. Christ, Quinn. No parent should ever have to bury their child. But I never, not once, blamed you for what happened that night.”

  I turned my wide eyes on Janice to see she was silently crying, her hand over her mouth. “Oh, Quinn, honey. How could you possibly think that?”

  “Because it’s the truth!” I shouted, shooting up from the chair. “You both know it, that’s why neither of you spoke hardly a word to me before I left. You know it’s true!”

  Garrett’s voice was suddenly so much lower when he stepped into my space. “Yes, I hardly spoke a word to you, except to fight with you when you informed us you were leaving, but not because I blamed you. Because I was pissed. We lost our daughter that night, our only child. No parent should ever have to feel that pain. But Janice and I were so goddamned thankful that you’d made it out alive. It was the only thing that got us through that time. But then you took yourself away from us, too. We didn’t just lose Addy that night, Quinn. We lost you as well. And that pissed me off. Maybe I should have handled it better, son, but I didn’t know what else to do.

  “You wore your grief around your neck like a noose. There was no pulling you out of it. Every day you slipped further and further away, and goddamn it, I resented you for that. I was mad you shut us out. Because you’re my son.” His own tears broke free and made tracks down his face as he put his hands on my shoulders and squeezed, giving me a slight shake. “You’ve been a part of this family since the first time Addy brought you home. You always will be. I’m so sorry we’ve let this go on for so long, that we led you to believe you carried the blame. That stops now, son. Right this goddamned minute, you hear me?”

  I let the tears run, unchecked as he pulled me into a crushing embrace. When we separated, Janice was right there for a hug of her own. She wept into the fabric of my shirt as I held her tightly.

  “We love you, Quinn,” she whispered against my chest before taking a step back and wiping at her eyes.

  My voice was ragged as I said, “I love you too. Both of you, and I’m sorry I put you guys through this.” I cleared my throat again and shook my head. “I don’t know how to let go of the guilt. I miss her every fucking day. It kills me a little more every time I think about her, but I can’t let her go,” I rasped. “I can’t let her go,” I repeated on a whisper.

  “Who said you had to?” Janice asked quietly. “You’ll never be able to let her go completely. You had a life together, you two made a beautiful child. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be happy. It doesn’t mean you can’t move on.” She cupped my cheeks in her soft hands. “Honey, you can’t stay stagnant like this, it’s not right. She wouldn’t want to see you so miserable. You have to move on, sweetheart.”

  My throat burned like fire as I asked, “How? How do I move on?”

  She sniffled and her fingers clenched against my skin. “You start by forgiving yourself. If you can’t do that on your own, let me and Garrett help you, please.”

  I took her wrists in my hands, not to remove them, but to absorb more of her touch. “I want to try,” I whispered.

  Janice smiled so brightly her eyes glittered, just like Addison’s used to do. Her hands fell and she moved back to sit on the couch. Garrett joined her and wrapped an arm around his wife’s shoulder. I followed suit and sat in the chair. “Do you know I heard you laugh — really laugh — at Sophia’s birthday party for the first time in three and half years? That woman, Lilly? She whispered something to you and for just a second, you forgot to feel miserable and you let go.”

  I let out a little chuckle. “You’re a lot more intuitive than I’d like.”

  “Don’t feel bad for falling for her, son,” Garrett chimed in, surprising me that he’d noticed as well. “She was a beautiful woman, and for a brief flash, she seemed to make you happy. Addy would want you to be happy.”

  I rubbed my hands against the stubble on my jaw and admitted, out loud for the very first time, something I’d known in my gut and my heart for months. “I love her.”

  “Then we’re happy for you,” Garrett said. “And we’d love a chance to get to know her.”

  “Is she helping you?” Janice asked. “Is she the reason you’re finally here?”

  That familiar shame came back in full force. “Not for the reasons you’re thinking. I hurt her… badly. I want to make it right, but I knew I couldn’t do that until I talked to you. I couldn’t make an attempt to move on unless I fixed things between us.”

  Garrett leaned forward and clasped his hands between his thighs. “Well, son, if she’s enough of a woman to make you want to let go of the past, then she already has my vote.”

  “Mine too,” Janice added.

  I hadn’t realized it until they both said it, but that was exactly what I needed to hear. Their words, offered with so much sincerity, meant absolutely everything to me.

  “HEY, SWEETHEART,” I muttered as I brushed the snow from the cold stone that read:

  Addison Mallick.

  Beloved wife, mother, and daughter.

  “I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to visit. I’ve been a real asshole the past three and a half years. But you probably already knew that, huh?”

  I smiled as I traced her name with the tip of my index finger. “It’s taken me a long time to do a lot of things, honey, but I’m finally starting to heal everything I broke after you died.” My voice dropped to barely above a whisper as I continued to talk to my wife. “I met someone. I didn’t mean for it to happen. Hell, I didn’t want it to happen for the longest time. But she got under my skin.

  “I think you’d really like her. She’s great with Sophia. She gives everything she has to the people she cares about, and she loves ‘Landslide.’” I chuckled as I rested on my haunches. “She even taught that song to our daughter to help chase away bad dreams. How’s that for coincidence?”

  My palm flattened against the chilled marble, and I had to close my eyes and bow my head as I allowed my feelings to course through me. “I’ll always love you sweetheart. Always. You’ll have a piece of my heart until I take my last breath. But I think it’s time I give another piece to Lilly. You’ll be a part of me for the rest of my life, Addy. I’ll make sure Sophia knows what an amazing woman her mother was, and how much we loved each other, but it was time for me to start moving on. I hope you’re okay with that. I think you would be, but that doesn’t make this any easier.”

&
nbsp; Looking down at my left hand, I toyed with the gold band that sat around my ring finger. Time to move on, I thought. That meant finally taking this off. My heart ached as I slipped the ring off my finger, but it wasn’t the same debilitating ache I’d suffered with for years. It was more bittersweet. The end of one thing and the beginning of something new. Maybe one day, when she was old enough, I’d give the ring to Sophia as a way to remember her mother. I’d put it on a chain so she could wear it around her neck as a constant reminder that her mother was loved whole-heartedly. Sophia would love that.

  Bringing the ring to my lips, I placed a kiss on the cold metal before sliding it into my front pocket.

  I inhaled through my nose, blowing out slowly between my lips as I stood from the ground. “You gave me absolutely everything I needed when I had you. You taught me how to be a better man, a man worthy of the love of two of the best women I’ve ever had the privilege of knowing. Thank you for giving me that, honey. I hope I was able to give you the same thing.”

  Kissing my fingertips, I bent and placed the right over her name. “I’ll be back again, I promise. I love you, Addy. Always.”

  I stood tall and turned back toward my rental car. Just as I lifted my head, something from the corner of my eye caught my attention. I turned my head just as the sun peaked out from behind the dreary gray clouds that always hung over the Seattle sky, and a rainbow formed, its colors pale but clear as day against the gray backdrop.

  My lips spread into a smile that reached all the way to my eyes, and I kept my gaze on that rainbow as I made my way back to the car. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind what that meant. Addy was happy for me. And that was her way of telling me I’d given her everything she needed.

  Quinn

  One month later

  I TURNED FROM the stove and slid a plate of pancakes in front of Sophia. She didn’t bother lifting her head from her hand as she reached for her fork.

  “Why the long face, Angel?”

  She shrugged her shoulders and stuffed a huge bite of pancake in her mouth without answering. “Sophia.”

  She finally brought her eyes to mine and let out a dramatic sigh. “I miss Miss Lilly.”

  I lifted one of my eyebrows as I bent to rest my elbows on the island in front of her. “You see her all the time in dance class, honey.”

  “Yeah, but that’s not the same,” she insisted. “I miss her coming here for dinner and hanging out with us. I miss her making you laugh really hard.”

  “I laugh all the time, sweetheart.”

  She gave me a sarcastic scowl that only a seven-year old girl could pull off. “Not like you do with Miss Lilly.”

  I let out a small sigh of defeat. “You really miss her being around, huh?”

  Her look screamed duh. “And she’s sad like, all the time.”

  My back snapped straight and I frowned down at my daughter. “What do you mean?”

  She shrugged again. “I dunno, like, she’s just sad. She doesn’t look happy like she used to. And sometimes, when I hug her, she looks like she wants to cry. It makes me sad. I want her to be happy, and I want you to laugh at her funny jokes.”

  I knew the feeling. Each day without her had dragged into the next at a snail’s pace. I missed her so much it hurt, but I knew I couldn’t try to win her back if I hadn’t fixed myself first. So I had to give it time, no matter how fucking much I hated it. My actions meant more to her than my words, I needed to prove I was the man she deserved.

  And I was trying.

  There were still subtle reminders of Addy around the house, but that was more for Sophia’s benefit than anything else. My wedding ring was sitting tucked away in a drawer, waiting for my daughter to be old enough to have it. The picture that used to rest on my bedside table now sat in a box on my closet shelf. I didn’t get rid of anything, but it was packed away, ready and waiting to be pulled out when the time came to tell Sophia stories about her mother.

  My therapist said I was making progress, and I walked out of each session feeling like I’d shed a bit more of that guilt I’d been carrying. For the first time in years I felt better, almost happy.

  Almost.

  Because I didn’t think I could be fully and totally happy until I had Lilly back. But I was closer than I had been.

  And I felt like the time had finally come.

  “Hey Angel?” I called, taking Sophia’s attention back from her pancakes.

  “Yeah, Daddy?”

  “What would you say if Miss Lilly started coming around here a lot more often?”

  Her face broke out in a huge smile. “That’d be awesome!”

  That was what I’d thought. I nodded my head, more determined than ever to take this final leap. It wasn’t just for me, it was for Sophia, too. Me and my daughter both needed Lilly in our lives.

  I needed to make a grand gesture.

  And I knew exactly how I was going to do it. But I was going to need help.

  Lilly

  “GOD, I FEEL like I have to pee again.”

  I cut a look at Eliza as she hopped from foot to foot, her hands holding her belly. She looked about ready to pop.

  “Then go pee,” I told her. “I don’t know why you’re back here anyway. You have a nice, comfortable seat in the audience.”

  She shrugged her shoulders and continued her pregnant pee dance. “The show hasn’t even started yet, and I’ve never been back stage before. I was curious. Isn’t this where all the action’s supposed to happen?”

  I giggled and turned fully to face my best friend. “It’s the Spring Showcase, Eliza. Not a Broadway production. These are just kids, it’s not like there’ll be much action.”

  I could have sworn I heard her mutter, “You never know,” under her breath, but before I could question it, Ethan came hustling up to us. “Did I miss it?”

  “Not yet,” Eliza answered, turning her head so he could place a kiss on her lips.

  “Miss what?” I asked in completely bewilderment. “What are you guys talking about?”

  “Nothing!” Ethan grinned widely before changing the subject. “Did Eliza tell you the good news?”

  “What good news?”

  “We’re moving back!” she squeaked excitedly, clapping her hands together.

  My mouth dropped open and my eyes nearly bugged out of my head. “What? When? How?”

  “Ethan’s retiring.”

  I looked up at him, surprised to see he didn’t look upset about it in the least. “But… you’re only like, thirty!”

  He shrugged like it was no big deal. “Yeah, but my knee hasn’t been the same since the injury.”

  I gave him a skeptical look. “You just won the Super Bowl. I’d say your knee’s doing pretty damn good.”

  “Yeah, but better to get out while I’m on top, right?” His hand traveled down to his wife’s belly. “Plus, when this little guy—”

  “Or girl!” Eliza jumped in.

  “Comes along, we want to raise him, or her, here around family. It’s already a done deal. And Noah hooked me up with a coaching job at the high school.”

  I would have worried he wasn’t happy — football had been his dream since he was a kid — but he looked so damn excited at the thought of starting his family here in Pembrooke, that I couldn’t help but feel overjoyed.

  “So, I’m getting my best friend back, full time?”

  “Yes!” Eliza yelped.

  We both squealed and hugged each other tightly. The past several months had been so depressing that getting news like this filled me with a much-needed warmth.

  “What’s happening?” Kyle asked as he and Samantha came rushing our way. “Did we miss it?”

  What the hell was wrong with everyone? “What are you guys talking about? What’s there to miss?” Each of them gave me a different brand of a secretive smile, and I could have sworn they’d been huffing fumes. Was everyone around me losing their minds?

  “Hi, honey.”

  I spun around, my forehead w
rinkling in confusion. “Mom? What are you doing back here?”

  She waved me off. “Oh, I just wanted to come and wish you luck.”

  I looked around the group of people surrounding me. “Seriously, what’s up with everyone? The show’s starting in fifteen minutes. You two,” I pointed at Kyle and Samantha, “should be getting the kids ready. And you guys,” I waved my hand at Mom, Eliza, and Ethan, “should be in your seats.”

  “The kids are ready and raring to go,” Kyle said, giving me a wink. No one moved from our little huddle.

  I opened my mouth to speak up when a familiar little voice shouted out, “Miss Lilly!”

  My head whipped around and down as Sophia came rushing at me, wrapping her arms and me and squeezing tight. “Hey, Little Miss,” I smiled down at her. “What are you doing? You should be getting ready.”

  She looked at me with that beaming smile I loved so much. “I got a surprise!”

  I hefted her up and rested her on my hip. “Yeah? I love surprises. What is it?”

  “Look!” she shouted, pointing in the direction of the stairs at the side of the stage that led down into the already packed auditorium. All the air rushed from my lungs as Quinn made his way toward us. He wore another suit that only accentuated his perfect body and in his right hand was a massive bouquet of the most perfect red roses.

  Seeing him walking in my direction was a massive blow to my system. Sure, it had been impossible to completely evade him in such a small town, especially with me being his daughter’s dance teacher. But I’d done everything I could the past few months to avoid eye contact, and we hadn’t spoken a word to each other since my meltdown after my father’s funeral.

  He stopped just close enough for me to smell the intoxicating scent of his cologne, and with that familiar scent came a wave of memories of our time together that had me battling back tears. I’d put in so much work the past few months to move past all the sadness. I thought I’d finally gotten past the uncontrollable crying fits, but here, now, I was dangerously close to bursting into ugly sobs.