A 52-Hertz Whale

by Bill Sommer

Subject: RE: Doc-tor

  Hi D-Danger:

  You okay? I hope you don’t need me to come bail you out of jail or something.

  Anyway, three thoughts popped into my head when you tapped my shoulder outside the Carlsburg cafeteria today:

  1) I can’t believe you actually came to Philadelphia.

  2) You must have had to pay an extra airlines fee for all of that movie equipment you were lugging.

  3) I forgot that you’re kind of a short guy (maybe I had a growth spurt or something?).

  I think I probably should have said #1 to you as a greeting. Sorry that I actually said #3. Good thing the camera wasn’t rolling yet.

  Just so you know, I don’t usually eat lunch in the hall outside of the cafeteria at a table by myself. Typically, I sit at the end of the table with a bunch of kids in my Bio and Advanced Calc classes and we all do our homework. But I’d been doing a lot of thinking since your last email and, with some trepidation, I decided that maybe you were right. Until your email, it never occurred to me that my newfound celebrity as Whale Boy might be an opportunity to spread the word about Salt’s brethren and their plight. I got pretty excited about the idea of trying to educate people about humpback whale endangerment. And so, using the moniker Salt, I joined FB and started to post information on the Whale Boy page. Mostly information about humpbacks, a whale song or two, and some pics—head shots and a couple of really nice fluke close-ups too.

  People started to “like” my posts and left all sorts of comments. Some favorite examples:

  1) “That whale should try out 4 CHS Glee”

  2) “Booked it—Spring Break 2013 Boston. Fenway, College Tours, and Whale Watching”

  I also shared this awesome article about new research on how humpback whales have passed down lobtail feeding techniques to one another through cultural transmission and the social relationships. Basically, when the herring population took a nose dive back in the ’80s, a few whales figured they could slap their tails on the water to hunt new kinds of fish, and today 40 percent of the population is using that hunting strategy.

  There is a great quote in the article from one of the study’s authors, Dr. Hoppitt: “We can learn more about the forces that drive the evolution of culture by looking outside our own ancestral lineage and studying the occurrence of similar attributes in groups that have evolved in a radically different environment to ours, like the cetaceans” (Allen, J., Weinrich, M., Hoppitt, W. & Rendell L., ScienceDaily, 2013).

  Sam shared that quote on his FB page and wrote “Dig it,” which made me smile. Sophia responded with <3, which I think means heart or love (Google, 2013). What she loves is open to interpretation, but Sam told me in Bio that the rumor is she is going to ask him to Turnabout, this high school dance where the girls ask the guys.

  Anyway, when you found me outside of the cafeteria, it was because I decided to start a campaign to raise funds for Carlsburg High School to adopt a whale. You couldn’t really see yesterday because the period was over and the bell had already rung, but usually there is a line of people waiting to put money into my cashbox. In fact, in less than a week, I think we’ve actually generated enough funds to adopt an entire pod! Maybe you can get that on camera tomorrow if they let you back in.

  See you soon (I hope),

  J-ammin’

  From: Paul Tedoni

  To: FacultyStaffGroup

  Date: March 12, 2013 at 4:45 PM

  Subject: Trespassing Incident

  Hello Everyone,

  As most of you are aware by now, there was an incident involving a young man trying to shoot unauthorized video inside the school. He actually came to me asking for permission first, but due to liability and distraction concerns, I told him he was not allowed to. He politely thanked me for my time and said he would be on his way, but he must have gone down the hall away from the main doors instead of toward them.

  Despite the intruder’s rather youngish looks, Mr. Dobson quickly identified him as a non-student and escorted him from the premises. I witnessed the end of this altercation from the teacher’s lounge window as I was bending down to retrieve a diet root beer from the vending machine, and from where I stood, it appeared the young man was quite terrified of Mr. Dobson. Considering that he appeared to be nearly nauseated with fear, I doubt he will make any similar attempts in the future, but just to be safe, be on the lookout. The trespasser appeared to be about eighteen to twenty years old, of average build, about five and a half feet tall, with short brown hair and sporting a rather feeble attempt at a beard.

  Keep up the good work. Spring break is almost here.

  Paul Tedoni, MEd

  Principal, Carlsburg High School

  From: whaleboy4ever@gmail.com

  To: pbrammer@gnewc.org

  Date: March 12, 2013 at 5:00 PM

  Subject: Donation?

  Dear Peter Brammer, PhD,

  I had your email from an inquiry about a whale earlier last year. My current concern is regarding a sizable donation I sent exactly one week ago via post mail to GNEWC. Would you please confirm receipt of a check at your earliest convenience? I have additional funds to send, but I need some reassurance first that the first installment arrived safely.

  Sincerely,

  James Turner

  From: pbrammer@gnewc.org

  To: whaleboy4ever@gmail.com

  Date: March 12, 2013 at 5:17 PM

  Subject: RE: Donation?

  Dear Mr. Turner:

  On behalf of the Greater New England Whale Conservancy, I would like to personally thank you for your generous donation. I apologize as you should have received correspondence from the Development Department (not sure what happened there). Given your interest in humpbacks, I wanted to share more information with you regarding the work that your donations support. My team and I are currently researching the possible causes of death of several juveniles that beached in the last year to determine whether human interference or disease played a role. I will keep you updated as I understand you care deeply about this species and its plight and I apologize for any past lapses in communication on my part. Again, we appreciate your generosity.

  Best,

  Peter Brammer, PhD

  From: the.darren.olmstead@gmail.com

  To: whaleboy4ever@gmail.com

  Date: March 12, 2013 at 11:09 PM

  Subject: Hola

  Evening, Jamestown,

  I’ve been perusing the Whale Boy FB page, and there’s some really interesting stuff here. Congrats on raising awhaleness—ahem, awareness (sorry, I had to; I’m a hopeless pun-maker).

  I don’t know if you’ve seen this yet, but someone named Edgar Allen Poacher left a really bizarre comment :

  Hey Salt, got summer vacay plans? I heard Saint Vincent and the Grenadines is nice that time of year. LOL.

  Then:

  Hope you get asked to Turn About. Our GROUP is gonna be ROWDY! (Mennissing laugh)

  You’d think someone who named himself on FB after a poet would know how to spell “menacing.”

  Last, there’s a very cryptic one from someone by the name Herman Whaleville. It says, “He who has never failed somewhere, that man can not be great.” It’s a real quote by Herman Melville, the Moby-Dick guy.

  Any idea what any of that stuff means?

  No worries about earlier. It wasn’t your fault that my booty got booted today. I knew about the security restrictions and the waivers to appear on camera. In fact, I discussed them at length with Mr. Tedoni earlier that morning. He didn’t seem to understand my artistic vision one iota, and for that I can’t really blame him. He’s a high school principal: being boring and careful and tight-sphinctered is in both his DNA and his job description. But those qualities are not in my genes. I couldn’t be a filmmaker if they were.

  It’s no problem, though, because I have a plan: Tomorrow I show up for the 10 a.m. school tour, work myself in the group for a while, then catch you at lunch, cell phone video camera only. We’ll get that cool
shaky-camera vibe they used in the first Hunger Games movie. It’ll be sweet.

  Just have to make sure and avoid that Dobson fellow. Not a big dude, but he’s got a grip like a vice. I can’t repeat what he said about me here, but he was up in my face and I can say with certainty that he’d eaten a tuna sandwich sometime in the last couple of hours, and I was well on the way to being able to discern whether he’d had yellow or spicy brown mustard on it by the time he finally ended his diatribe and shoved me out the side door of the building.

  Regardless of what happens at lunch, let’s catch up after school. Can you chat during your break at Star Arcade? I talked to your boss, and he was into the whole promotional angle, so I’m okay to film there.

  See you tomorrow, dog,

  Dare-ya

  From: saraannblakely@gmail.com

  To: ciaosoph@gmail.com

  Date: March 12, 2013 at 11:10 PM

  Subject: Turnabout

  Sam got letter I sent asking him 2 Turnabout. He txted me & said he’ll let me know soon. (WTF?) Can u tell me who u r asking? I think he wants 2 go w/u.

  TTFN,

  Sara

  P.S. No skool 2morrow. Tests @ Children’s.

  From: whaleboy4ever@gmail.com

  To: the.darren.olmstead@gmail.com

  Date: March 12, 2013 at 11:15 PM

  Subject: RE: Hola

  Dear D-ang:

  Well, we didn’t get to talk about it today at lunch, but I think we’re both pretty sure of Edgar Allan Poacher’s identity. Those comments that he left on Facebook? There’s an island in the Grenadines that’s like the only place the International Whaling Commission allows humpbacks to be hunted. The natives there are allowed to hunt up to four times a year. It’s some cultural thing, I think. Oh, and the “rowdy” group comment from Poacher? When male whales are courting a female, they’re called “rowdy” as they slap each other with their fins, snap their jaws, do peduncle throws, lunge, breach, and hold themselves under water. In other words, this Poacher is smart.

  I’m guessing that you got the whole episode today on video with your phone. (How did the shaky video effect work out? I felt kind of seasick after watching Hunger Games, but it might’ve just been indigestion from eating two boxes of Sour Patch Kids). Did you manage to nab any footage before Dobson grabbed you by the neck? I appreciate you trying to stick up for me and I’m sorry that it meant you inhaled vast quantities of Dobson’s breath as he escorted you down the music wing to the exit for the SECOND time this week. (Onion rings were the special at our cafeteria today. Better than tuna though, right?) Anyway, I’m curious about where you got your moves. You were a regular Jackie Chan today. I think I saw Coxson wipe at his cheek after. Not sure if it was blood or tears.

  Make no mistake, I, too, was cheesed off today at lunch (Urban Dictionary, 2013). Not just for myself, but for Sophia too. Such a dumb prank. To block out the laughing and all the auxiliary meanness associated with Coxson’s joke, I just kept thinking about this article I read recently about how sperm whale feces (called “ambergris”)—this seemingly worthless and, well, unattractive thing—can fetch thousands of dollars on the market and is used to make expensive perfumes like Chanel No. 5.

  But not even strange and wonderful ambergris could distract me from the poster taped to my Adopt-a-Whale table: “For one night, be my Moby-Dick—at Turnabout, it is you I pick. —Sophia.” Of course, I knew the prank was undoubtedly the work of the Poacher (aka Coxson). The point of Turnabout is for girls to ask guys in very strange ways. Kimberly Trout asked Steven Mark by writing “take me to Turnabout” in ketchup on a cafeteria table. But any idiot would know that the poster was written by Coxson or one of his goons thanks to the stupid “slap my tail” comment in totally different handwriting below the invite.

  Still, I couldn’t help hoping. And I couldn’t take my eyes off of it. Reminds me of the time I saw a nude girl on a magazine cover in a bookstore with my mom. You can’t look away no matter how embarrassed it makes you feel.

  In solidarity,

  J-ville

  From: ciaosoph@gmail.com

  To: saraannblakely@gmail.com

  Date: March 13, 2013 at 2:31 PM

  Subject: RE: Turnabout

  Dear Sara,

  In study hall. Just got your email. Had dance practice after school. I hope the tests went well, but I’m not going to lie, I could have used your support at school today. I finally got around to asking my date to Turnabout, and let’s just say that it didn’t go as planned. At. All.

  I didn’t tell you (or Becky) who I was going to ask because I thought you guys would think I was crazy or try to talk me out of it. But for the last couple of weeks, I’ve been following Whale Boy’s Facebook page and commenting as “Herman Whaleville.” It’s just really cool, Sara, all of the stuff that this one commenter “Salt” knows about whales and I know that it has to be James Turner on the keyboard. I feel like James is pretty much the only guy in our school who can have a conversation about something other than the Eagles, Instagram, Macklemore, or Game of Thrones. I mean, he’s trying to save these really beautiful animals that everyone else is too busy to notice. And I like that he’s got a passion other than CHS soccer. He’s a little obsessive and weird, I get that. But aren’t we all kind of weird in one way or another?

  Anyway, I decided I would make this poster asking him to Turnabout and tape it to the desk where he collects funds for his Adopt-a-Whale project. So I did it today before lunch then I got in line with my donation right as James set up his cashbox. And I was hoping he’d see the poster and accept my invitation before there was a huge crowd. Some older hipster guy with too-tight jeans was standing videoing James with an iPhone, which was a little weird. And I turned around to talk to Becky. Then, Coxson and his crew passed by on their way to the cafeteria and burst out laughing. When I turned and looked at the poster, someone had added in pen, “Slap my tail, Whale Boy.” The whole poster looked like some kind of practical joke. Coxson or one of his idiot wannabes totally defaced it. James looked at me and I opened my mouth. Even if I said something, Sara, he wouldn’t have heard over the soccer team’s laughter. It was horrible.

  When it seemed things couldn’t get any worse, they did. The hipster jumped out from behind his iPhone and headed straight for Coxson. The hipster might have hit Coxson or slapped him, I’m not sure which. In like two seconds, Dobson was on the scene and the hipster was being removed from the school and everyone was being herded out of the hall fire drill–style. So yeah, my asking was an epic fail.

  Your Turnabout invite will fare better. I heard Sam tell Coxson in Bio that you asked him. Coxson cupped his hands on his chest (probably referring to your boobs) and gave Sam a fist bump. Sam said he was going to text you back tonight.

  Love,

  Sophia

  From: dobsonjanman@yahoo.com

  To: tbirdgoodlife@yahoo.com

  Date: March 13, 2013 at 4:44 PM

  Subject: CHS

  T-bird—

  There was major action today at CHS. An unauthorized male entered the building for a second time this week. I escorted him out only yesterday for videotaping students without consent, and after the word-smacking I gave him I can’t believe the guy had the stones to come back again. But it was him alright, wearing the same silver ring (jewelry on men often an indicator of instability, as you know) and a different badly-wrinkled shirt. Anyway, when the alert came through on my walkie about an altercation in the hall, my first thought was, “Fuck T-bird and his early retirement package. Jackass is probably snoozing in his hammock right now.” But the job don’t care what Kirk Dobson thinks. The job just is.

  When I get on the scene, I see the intruder’s about to take out that little prick Charlie Coxson. Remember him? Drew a two-foot dick on the faculty bathroom door in permanent marker? I kind of wanted to let him get his teeth kicked in, but not enough to risk my pension over it. Plus, Tedoni was waiting for me to do something hero-like. I couldn’t remember a thing fr
om that Taser training I told you about a few months back, and I couldn’t figure out how to get the damn safety off, so I said screw it, and just went hands-on. Later Tedoni reminds me that they don’t like us to touch anyone anymore because of lawsuits. I say if someone is going to sue me for doing my job let ’em. I miss you, T-bird, ’cause we could laugh about this shit. You got out of here just in time. This place is going to hell in a handbasket. Did I tell you onion rings are gluten-free now?

  Later old man,

  Dobson

  From: the.darren.olmstead@gmail.com

  To: whaleboy4ever@gmail.com

  Date: March 13, 2013 at 11:59 PM

  Subject: RE: Hola

  Jimmy Jam,

  Just got back to Sash’s house from police station. Neck sore from Dobson’s Vulcan death grip. Typing with left hand only because icing right one which sore from where chopped Charlie. Couldn’t stand way he laughed at you. Cruelty in eyes. No empathy or recognition that your feelings matter. Plus, prank in general was messed up. One thing to be plain mean to someone, another to use deepest longings to taunt person. If someone made me think Corinne wanted me back when really didn’t, would freak. Plus, brought back memories of bad times in high school with own version of Coxson. In fact had more Coxsons than friends.

  Anyway, was about punch him when realized was about assault high school student, after lying way into school pretending be legal guardian of made-up 15 y.o. cousin.

  After getting kicked out previous day.

  Am 23 years old.

  Above series of realizations, plus fact actually hurting him would only make him folk hero around school, plus fact he’s kind of big and no guarantee could beat him in fight, interrupted muscle movements involved with punching. Instinct to do something had already been engaged, though, so punch morphed into strange karate chop–type movement. Know nothing about karate. Landed first shot on top of head. Shooting pain through hand indicated karate not learnable by watching movies. Pretty sure hurt self worse than Coxson. Pretty sure Coxson wiped cheek because was confused at not feeling any pain, like guy in movie who thinks has been shot but gun had blanks. Pretty sure getting dragged out by Dobson was best thing this point because have no idea what would have done next.