Infernal Revolutions

by Stephen Woodville

  ‘Would it not save time simply to hang him now?’

  ‘No, Sir, it is not the American way to hang men rudely.’

  I must have let slip the ghost of a smirk at this piece of hypocrisy, because Washington suddenly turned his attention back to me with a vengeance.

  ‘But anyway, Mr Oysterman, back to your cross loyalties. You admit, in essence, that your principles waver, depending on circumstance?’

  ‘More and more I am inclined to my wife’s view on things. You know how it is with a man and a woman.’

  ‘So now you are a British spy in theory, and a Patriot sympathizer in practice. Would you agree with that judgement?’

  I thought hard, wondering if this was a trick question. I eventually gave what I hoped was the right answer.

  ‘Aye, more and more, I suppose.’

  ‘Good, then I am prepared to make you an offer. Though first of all, let me sketch the position we find ourselves in. You have been honest with me, Oysterman, so I will be honest with you. The situation is, as I have said, desperate. Everyone seems to know that our enlistments expire on the 31st of December, so there is no point in pretending ‘tis a great secret. We have men coming in – the Pennsylvania Associators, General Gates with the remainder of Lee’s Northern Army – but support among the locals is dwindling. We need a victory, Sir, to rouse them and to knock the confidence of General Howe, and I am looking to achieve that victory in the village of Trenton.’

  ‘Aye?’ I said cautiously, not liking the weight of confidential information being heaped on my shoulders.

  ‘Aye, and towards that aim, I am looking for someone to go into Trenton for me, to look around, make notes, and bring back information on Hessian positions there. Also, if possible, to plant word amongst them that we are in no position to attack.’

  ‘Hessians, you say?’

  ‘Aye, they are installed there under the command of General Johann Gottlieb Rall.’

  ‘Ah, Rall.’

  I was playing for time, trying to remember which regiment of Hessians had accompanied me on the Twinkle.

  ‘You know him?’

  ‘No, but I agree to go spying for you in Trenton if you so wish. The trouble is, I will be a double spy then; the worst kind of rogue.’

  ‘You said it, Mr Oysterman. But a double spy is surely better than a dead spy, from your point of view. Besides, if ‘twill ease your conscience, you may quibble to yourself that you will not be spying against your own countrymen, but against Germans. I can assure you, from the messages we have intercepted, that General Howe hates them as much as I do. They pillage, they ravish, they degrade the name of man.’

  ‘But they are only men following orders and thereby earning a living,’ I felt compelled to point out.

  ‘I see you are already developing the conscience of a lawyer, Mr Oysterman. This bodes well for a future career in our country. In Britain, on the other hand, your career options will be severely limited now that you have handed Mr Axelrod over to us.’

  This, I fancied, was a sour joke, not to mention a piece of negative persuasion. But knowing that I would eventually decide what my options were, not some Virginian backwoodsman, I ignored the remark and pondered on the main offer. It was time, I felt, to be bold.

  ‘You have not yet said what I will get in return for this hazardous work.’

  ‘Is the sparing of your life not enough?’

  ‘The Hessians may not spare my life. I would like to think my wife is provided for if I do not come back from Trenton. Or if I do, come to that.’

  ‘I like your style, Mr Oysterman. You are a bold dog, and in consideration of your part in the capture of Burnley Axelrod – which I confess is a most useful propaganda coup for us – I will drop all spying charges against you. If you come back from Trenton with the information we want, I will give you and your wife a confiscated Loyalist house to live in. If we win the battle there, and your information is found to have been an important part of the victory, then I will furnish the house for you. What could be more generous than that?’

  ‘Nothing,’ I agreed, quite taken aback by such an offer, ‘but where would this house be? We are planning to move to Philadelphia.’

  ‘I do not know that yet,’ said Washington with sudden asperity, perhaps suggesting that the legendary patience was beginning to fray. ‘It will be somewhere though.’

  I pondered for a few moments, came to no clear decision, then accepted the offer anyway. We could work out the ramifications later.

  ‘Good, then I will make arrangements with Captain Flood for your journey back over the river when the time is right. ‘Tis only a shame you do not speak German – then you really would be useful to us.’

  ‘But I do!’ I spluttered, ‘I do speak German! I learnt it as a child under Dr Werner Habel-Schnelling. Listen….’

  Ach, daß die innre Schöpfungskraft

  Durch meinen Sinn erschölle!

  Daß eine Bildung voller Saft

  Aus meinen Fingern quölle!

  Washington’s jaw dropped, revealing the intricate workings of his false teeth.

  ‘Bravo!’ he managed eventually to splutter. ‘Now you can eavesdrop on the conversations too, and note the morale of the troops in the town.’

  The Great Man still could not believe his luck, and congratulated me accordingly. ‘I would like to say, Mr Oysterman, that never before have I met anyone so generously endowed with the accomplishments of a spy. Your character is naturally devious and evasive, you possess boldness and cowardice in equal measure, and you have the strangest hobbyhorses to fall back on in times of crisis. Had I any respect for the profession, you would be high on my list of heroes.’

  I did not think the study of German was a particularly strange hobbyhorse, if that was what he was referring to, but I accepted the dubious encomium with a dignified nod of my head. Not wanting any more praise of that sort, however, I moved the conversation quickly on.

  ‘So, under what guise will I be sent into Trenton?’

  ‘As a lunatic farmer, wandering into town to sell his wares.’

  ‘Which will be?’

  ‘Adulterated metheglin.’

  I nodded knowingly.

  ‘Is that worse than unadulterated metheglin?’

  ‘All alcohol is poison, Mr Oysterman, but there are, of course, degrees of poison. The tolerable poison of ordinary metheglin will be supplemented with substances not conducive to intestinal welfare. The Hessians will be dropping their guts all over Trenton if they drink it – which, being Hessians, they undoubtedly will. However, I hope you will be safely back with us by the time the effects are fully felt.’

  It suddenly occurred to me to ask Washington if he ever drank eggnogs, to see if life imitated the spying art, but the question as I rehearsed it in my mind sounded too ridiculous, so I settled instead for a general approval of the plan proposed.

  ‘Good. Captain Flood and his men will come and collect you in due course. As far as they are concerned you are travelling back to retrieve some important documents left behind in the rush to leave Trenton. Neither they nor anyone else must know your real purpose. If I hear that word has got out to the troops prematurely then you will be hung, and so will your wife – who, incidentally, we will keep here as a hostage until you return from Trenton.’ He rose to leave, and shook me warmly by the hand. ‘So good luck, Mr Oysterman. Please remember that this meeting has been strictly secret. We will meet again on your return.’

  ‘I shall look forward to it, Sir,’ I said, rushing forward to open the door for him, as though the quarters were my own. ‘I will do all that you ask of me.’ I was walking out with him, accustomed now to my association with the Great, when a guard barred my way, and prodded me back inside on the tip of a bayonet, before locking the door. ‘Twas a timely reminder that I was enjoying privilege on sufferance only, and it somewhat took away the enjoyment of the rest of my breakfast. Still, I soon reasoned that thankfulness r
ather than churlishness was in order on a day that I had been rescued yet again from the hangman’s noose, and I succeeded in raising my spirits accordingly. Nevertheless, I could not regain my earlier relish for militia-taunting, and instead spent the next couple of hours reflecting on the task that lay ahead, and the house that would be my reward if I succeeded. I was still lying on the bed cogitating when the key rattled loudly in the lock, and Sophie entered. Her whole demeanour blazed with life and the joy of living.

  ‘Harry, is it true what I have heard?’ she whispered hotly.

  ‘I don’t know, is it?’

  ‘That you held a levee this morning with a Very Distinguished Visitor?’

  ‘Oh that?’ I waved her aside, with mock insoucience. ‘’Twas nothing much. Just a chat between gentlemen on the progress of the war.’

  ‘I hear too that you are not to be hanged?’

  ‘No, but Burnley Axelrod could be.’

  ‘Oh, that is wonderful news,’ said Sophie. ‘Things are brightening for us at last.’

  ‘But I have not got away scot-free. I have to perform an errand for General Washington in return for his leniency.’

  ‘What sort of errand?’

  ‘I cannot tell you, my dear, ‘tis top secret. On pain of the aforementioned hanging.’

  ‘I am your wife, sweetie, you can tell me.’

  ‘Please respect my wishes, Sophie. Do not…..’

  ‘Spying of some sort though, I assume,’ interrupted Sophie hotly, eyes like saucers. ‘Surely you can tell me that?’

  I turned my head away from her, and stared tight-lipped at the bookcase.

  ‘Be like that then, I do not care. But I knew you would not get anywhere near the gallows, dearest. In fact, I would not be surprised if all your past sins are forgiven. You are not dealing with narrow-minded autocrats here, you know, who treat underlings like animals; you are dealing with visionaries. If you perform this secret task well you might even be groomed for a top role in the army. And what’s more, you will probably be rewarded with a free house in the country – I have heard that Washington does that frequently. I don’t suppose he has offered you one already, has he, for the bringing in of Burnley Axelrod?’

  Still distrusting Sophie after her authentic-looking disownership of me the previous evening, I said not.

  ‘Oh well, he may do yet. And if he does, and I’m not with you, snap his hand off. Even if we do not like the place, or it is not in Philadelphia, we can always sell it at an enormous profit, or rent it out at an extortionate rate.’

  I agreed I would, and asked her what she had been getting up to.

  ‘The girls and I have been getting to know the troops. We are the toast of the Continental Army, and the officers cannot do enough for us. Oh Harry, they are wonderful men! We could do far worse than to throw our lot in with them, and forget all about settling down until the war is over. They have been telling us how much we have inspired them to fight on, and relating to us their experiences to date. So we’ve heard all about the Boston Massacre from Colonel Knox; the Boston Siege from Major-General Greene; the invasion of Canada from Major-General Sullivan; and the building of Forts Lee and Washington from Lord Stirling. It has been an education, Harry, I don’t mind telling you. I was hoping to meet Tom Paine, but he has gone to Philadelphia to get some new pamphlets printed.’

  ‘Called what? The Inspirational History of the Liberty Belles, and their Effect Upon The Stalks of our Glorious Generals?’

  Sophie turned icy, and glared at me.

  ‘What do you mean by that?’

  ‘You are entertainment for them, that is all. They do not care about your exploits; all they care about is getting into your petticoats, and rogering you senseless.’

  ‘Well, I wish they would hurry up and declare their hands, because all I care about is letting them roger me senseless. In fact, I would rather let anybody roger me senseless than a jealous little prig like you.’

  ‘Then I was right. You were glad to disown me last night, and get me out of the way, so you could have the luscious officers all to yourself.’

  ‘What?’ said Sophie, mind whirring over. ‘Oh, I see. So that is what this little outburst is all about.’ She looked back at the door and continued in a whisper. ‘Of course our disownership of you last night looked authentic; it had to be. We could not let Washington think the Belles were tainted with duplicity. It was a performance only; we did not enjoy doing it. In fact, several of the girls were in tears about it later, particularly Melanie, who I think has a bit of a soft spot for you.’

  ‘Really?’ I said, easily soothed by a disclosure of this sort.

  ‘Yes, really. You have been letting your heart rule your head again, Harry. ‘Twill be fatal for you, one of these days.’

  ‘Yes, I am sorry, my dear. I see I have been stupid. The strain of the last few weeks is taking its toll on my emotional state.’

  ‘Well, we are nearly over our crisis now, sweetness. We just need to hold on for a little while longer. Have a rest in preparation for the task ahead, and do the job as well as you can, whatever it is. When it is over we will be as free as birds.’

  ‘And what will you be doing in the meantime?’ I asked, yawning in readiness for another sleep.

  ‘Continuing my education, of course,’ she replied breezily. ‘What else?’

  I still had my doubts as to the content of the education she was receiving, and I had them even more when I woke a few hours later and heard the sound of raucous merrymaking coming from distant rooms. At this rate I would be sharing the Loyalist house with the best-educated woman in the world, but whether it was education as Timothy Bush knew it was another matter. With the legend Nancy 52 Sophie 38 popping up once more to taunt me, I began to entertain mouthwatering fantasies of the solitary life, with only books, dogs and wine for companionship; but then I remembered I had lived a similar life in Brighthelmstone, and there had been precious little joy in it. Beaten all ends up, I resigned myself to raising a brood of miniature Revolutionary generals, none of them mine, and turned my attention back to the things that really mattered: daydreams of a new life with Melanie Urquhart, and the taunting of the Hackensack Militia.

  47

  Trenton

  Expecting the call from Washington at any moment, I was at first constantly on edge whenever the door opened, but as the hours passed into days, and the days passed into weeks – still without anything of importance happening – I lost all sense of purpose in my being in the encampment. The victuals kept coming, as if by administrative oversight, but I saw no more of Washington, and not much more of Sophie, who only visited me once a day to tell me of her social triumphs, and to remark on how fat I was getting. Indeed, with Christmas slowly approaching, her comments did make me wonder if I was being fattened up especially for the dinner of that extraordinary season, to be spitted and roasted as a nice treat for the soldiers. Too languid and stupefied by rum to care really, I had just resigned myself to permanent imprisonment when the call came to Get Ready.

  Under warm blankets in a furnished cell, I could convince myself that I had landed safely on my feet, give or take a little bit of wife trouble and chronic boredom, but outside once more in the freezing cold of early morning, escorted back to the Delaware by Captain Flood and his troops, the true vulnerability of my position was brought home to me. This time they all knew I was a British spy, and their attitude towards me was appropriately hostile. They tried successfully to intimidate me with threats of death, so that every five minutes I had to keep reminding them of General Washington’s protection, and the perilous work I was about to undertake in Trenton on behalf of the American cause.

  ‘You are only collecting some old papers,’ snarled a low-browed Irishman whose withered frame seemed hardly able to contain the anger within him. ‘What is to stop you deserting back to the British and telling them all about our position?’

  ‘Washington is holding my wife as a hostage.’


  ‘So? What difference does that make to a doubledealing snake like you?’

  I sighed, and reflected on my naivety in supposing that a collection of passes would enable me to enjoy the protection of all sides in the conflict; a blockhead could have told me that universal enmity would be the only result. The British and the Hessians would soon join the Americans in wishing me dead, and then where was I to go?

  ‘Let us shoot him, Captain, and dump him in the Delaware. He has done his work for the Revolution.’

  ‘Remember the words of Tom Paine, boys. Violence is a difficult horse to ride, and must be strictly controlled. Would it serve a purpose to kill him, apart from satisfying our desire for revenge?’ There were several deep inhalations of air, as though lengthy justifications were on their way, so the captain got in quickly with the answer he wanted: ‘No, it would not!’

  ‘But no-one will know!’ the Irish lout cried, exasperated.

  ‘God will know,’ said Captain Flood, earning from me a grudging glance of respect, ‘and then He will do all He can to hinder our cause. Besides, if we kill him, we will be no better than the rogues we are fighting against.’

  These were fine words that temporarily comforted me, but, as always, I should have known better; for whilst the captain forbade murder, he tacitly condoned lesser acts of revenge. Thus, when we reached the Delaware, he turned his back on me to light what must have been the toughest plug of tobacco in history, and allowed his men time to give me a very comprehensive pummelling as a parting present. Wishing me a slow, agonizing death at the hands of the Hessians, the rogues then turned and left me to the skeletal ferrymen, who stood by and watched while I loaded my horse, cart and metheglin onto their floating deathtrap. Nursing a headache, a buzzing ear, a gashed cheek, a bloody nose and bruises on some very tender parts of my body, I sat in the furthest corner of the ferry and spent the crossing dabbing my wounds with ice scooped from the river. Though mightily sick of the whole enterprise, at least now I was out of range of the scurvy dogs’ muskets, and would soon be on my own again, if only temporarily.