Dog Tags for Christmas

by Lindsay McKenna

  “But you don’t seem broken by it, Nick. You can still function.”

  He snorted and shook his head. “There are days when I really struggle, Holly.” He gave her a warm look. “On those days, you give me the strength I need to deal with it.”

  Her brows flew upward. “Really?”

  “Yeah. Why are you giving me that look?” he asked with a grin, seeing her cheeks pink up.

  “Well,” she sputtered, “because with Noelle, my presence didn’t help her at all. I know we were both grieving over the loss of our mom and dad.”

  “She had a double load to carry at that time,” he offered gently.

  “I honestly didn’t realize it then,” she said, giving him a worried look. “I should have . . .”

  “Don’t go there, Holly.”

  “Maybe if I’d been more sensitive to her situation, to her feelings . . .”

  Gripping her hand once more, Nick said, “Listen to me, Holly. There was nothing you could have done to help her. PTSD is internalized by many and they can hold it inside of them and not show it to the world around them. But you said she was drinking alcohol, too?”

  She squeezed his hand in return. “Yes, she drank heavily for weeks after the funeral. I tried to talk to her, tried to get her interested in living, helping her to look for a civilian job, but nothing worked, Nick. Nothing.” She looked away, biting down on her lower lip, struggling.

  Seeing the tears of frustration in her eyes, he kept holding her hand, now feeling damp and clammy within his. He could see the sadness in her eyes, and wanted to protect her from all the suffering in this world. “I know her pain, Holly, and I’m sure you loved her fiercely, just like you do everyone else. But love alone couldn’t tamp down whatever she was feeling. Probably, there was a lot of anxiety and she was getting no relief except to drink.”

  “You’re right. On a good day I tell myself that, Nick.” She clung to his hand. “Today is the day my sister committed suicide. She went out in the woods and shot herself in the head. I found her suicide note on my dresser later that day.”

  Nick’s eyes widened. He stared at her. “God . . . no . . . ”

  Her lower lip trembled. “It was horrible. The sheriff found her after I called him about the note she’d left. It just seemed like a nightmare, and although it’s been three years since her death, every year on this day it brings everything back to me.”

  “What else can I do to help?” he asked, his voice thick with emotion. He saw Holly give him a mournful look, tears threatening to spill. He curved his hand more firmly around hers. He lifted his arm, placing it around her broken shoulders and she gave him such a grateful look.

  “Just you being with me today helped me, Nick. Usually I collapse, cry off and on all day, and hide from the world.” She gave him a weak, partial smile, wiping the tears from her eyes. “With you and Snowflake around me I just have more strength than I normally do. It’s helped me so much.”

  “Let us help you.” He gently rubbed her tense shoulders, smoothing his palm lightly back and forth across them, trying to comfort Holly.

  Her voice quavered, her gaze locked on his. “You are both so special to me . . . to my heart. I look at before you two walked into my life and what it was like. I was so lonely. Oh, I know I’m always busy and I’m an extrovert, and I love people. But inside . . . I was so lonely.” Searching his eyes, she whispered, “You make me laugh, Nick. You think the jokes are funny that I tell our elders, you seem to know when I really need your touch. You don’t realize just how much you help me.”

  Stunned by her whispered admissions, he stared at her, unable to speak for a moment. His feelings were in knots, unraveling in his heart in every crazy direction. She stroked his other hand with her fingers and it sent tiny jolts up his hand and into his lower arm. “We’re good for one another,” he began, catching her fingers. That was what Holly needed right now: touch and comfort. She had been stripped of her daily armor by the memories of her lost sister and he was sure, of her parents, bearing down on her. “Holly? Let’s go to your living room and sit down on the couch. I’m going to hold you. Right now you need a little TLC.”

  “I’d like that, Nick.”

  His heart leapt. Releasing her hand and removing his arm from around her shoulders, he stood. “Come on,” he invited, moving to the back of her chair and pulling it out for her. Snowflake’s tail wriggled and he danced around them as Nick placed his hand in the small of Holly’s back, guiding her toward the living room.

  Holly had never felt so safe as right now with Nick. The ache in her heart eased as he sat down on the couch. Choosing a corner, he guided her next to him, his arm going about her shoulders once again. It felt good to nestle her brow against his neck, her head resting against his broad shoulder. Unlike with other men, she trusted Nick fully. In the last months, he’d proven many times over that he wouldn’t try to breach her boundaries unless she wanted him to. He’d earned her trust more than any other man she’d ever known. Closing her eyes, folded up against him, she placed her hand on his chest, his heart beneath her palm. “Thank you,” she murmured, nuzzling his jaw. “I really needed this.”

  “Just rest, Holly. You need to stop pushing so hard all the time.”

  She laughed a little at Nick’s low, concerned growl in his tone. “I warned you from the beginning I was a clone of the Energizer Bunny.” She sighed as he squeezed her shoulders gently. Then, he slipped his hand over hers, now resting on his chest. There was such wonderful intimacy springing to life between them. She heard the rumble of a chuckle in his broad chest.

  “Yes, you did warn me.” Nick turned, his lips against her unruly red hair. “But on days like this you need to slow down and just take care of yourself first.”

  “I fall apart sometimes,” she agreed.

  “You didn’t today, but I knew you were bothered about something.”

  “Snowflake sensed it, too.” She pulled her head back to meet Nick’s dark-green eyes. They held such tenderness in them right now, and all for her. “You two take really good care of me,” she murmured gratefully, her gaze trailing to his strong, sculpted mouth.

  There was nothing soft about Nick. There never had been, but he wasn’t a bully and he wasn’t loud or arrogant like so many men she had known. Instead, it was his confidence, his quiet strength that permeated every pore of his being. Holly knew why Snowflake adored him. Right now, Nick was holding her, asking nothing more of her than to offer her a safe, emotional harbor for just a bit. Her heart pounded, telling her how much more she wanted of him. She wanted to taste his lips against hers, feel his mouth brush against hers. Oh, she knew he would be a wonderful lover. Her lower body filled with need. Being around Nick nearly every day made her fully aware of her femininity and how unfulfilled she felt right now. But now wasn’t the time to address this, and he seemed to sense that, too. She felt him caress the back of her hand on his chest, as if soothing a child who was out of sorts and needed calming.

  “You don’t let anyone take care of you most of the time,” Nick told her thickly. “I guess me and Snowflake are badass military protectors who want to do just that for you.” One corner of his mouth curved as he admitted, “So this is really special for me, too, Holly. I like it.”

  She stared wonderingly up at him, lost in the depth of his jade eyes. Holly saw that Nick wanted to kiss her. It was right there, being silently offered to her. She could feel the moisture of his breath, he was that close to her. His arm tightened just a smidgen around her shoulders, as if to silently claim her as his own.

  Did Holly want that more than anything? Yes! Her mind had dissolved in that heated moment strung sweetly and building swiftly between them. Instinctively, she leaned upward, telling him in an ancient language that needed no words that she wanted to kiss him, too. Her lashes swept downward as he dipped his head, his mouth softly engaging hers with invitation. Answering, opening to him, eager to merge with Nick, she felt his hand leave hers and rest upon her left should
er, angling her more surely against him. Her breasts brushed his chest as a low moan echoed in her throat. She felt his mouth exploring, cajoling, asking her to join him in their dance of exploration and deepening intimacy with one another.

  The moment he threaded his fingers through her hair just above her ear, thousands of tiny sparks ignited, sweeping through her. His tenderness extended to more than just the gentle exploration of her mouth. He was being gentle and careful right now, and never had Holly been held as if she were a sacred, adored woman. The sensation flowed through her, easing her grief for her sister, allowing her to literally sink into Nick’s arms and fully trust him with herself in every way. In the back of her dissolving mind, she knew he would go no further than their kiss, or the caress of her silky hair. Something told her that he’d waited a long time to do just this. But hadn’t she, too? Yes. Absolutely, yes.

  As his mouth lifted from hers, Holly inhaled his male scent, now dizzy in her need for him. Barely lifting her lashes, she drowned in the heat she saw in his darkening eyes. There was no question that Nick, when necessary, could become a warrior at a moment’s notice. She could feel him reining himself in for her sake, not wanting to use his superior strength against her. Rather, he was sensing her reactions, every last one of them.

  What man had ever done that for her before? None. It was so easy to lose herself in his hungry, intense gaze. But she loved to experience how his fingers threaded through her hair, grazed her cheek, and then feel his thumb trace her wet, lower lip. He was literally memorizing her. She could feel it, and accepted his mapping her, from his heart to hers.

  This was about so much more than just sex and hormones right now. Nick was a man who played for keeps. He didn’t want just one night with her. He wanted her for a lifetime and he was serious about her and their budding relationship.

  “That was,” she said, her voice wispy, “wonderful.” She instantly saw relief and then pride come to his eyes. Lifting her hand, she touched his roughened jaw. “I wanted you to kiss me so much, Nick.”

  “I thought so,” he admitted gruffly, “but I wasn’t sure. I’m glad you took the lead,” and he caressed the top of her head.

  “Because you weren’t sure about me? Us?”

  “I always thought my liking you was probably one-sided, Holly. I was never sure that you felt the same way toward me as I did you.” One corner of Nick’s mouth hooked upward. “When it comes to reading signals in a woman, I don’t always read them right.”

  “You sure did this time,” she said, fingertips touching her lower lip.

  “That’s just another thing to like about you,” he offered. “You’re honest and I love that about you.” His hand stilled over her hair. “Holly, ever since I met you, I always thought you were some magical creature come to save my worthless hide. You lifted me up out of the quagmire I was trapped in. You gave me hope again, and I looked forward to being with you every day that I could. I always felt better when you were around me. Life just looked better. I don’t have the words, but you’ve affected me in the best of ways.”

  Her hand stilled against his jaw. “You do the same for me, Nick. From the very beginning when we met, that’s how I felt about you.”

  Snowflake, who sat watching them, just outside where their feet rested, whined, his stub and rear wriggling madly with enthusiasm.

  Holly smiled and eased upward as Nick’s arm moved to lightly curve around her waist. She reached out, petting Snowflake’s head. “He must have known, Nick. About us.”

  “Dogs always read a person’s heart and emotions,” he admitted, giving her a tender look.

  She straightened, feeling euphoric, cared for, and desired. “Where do we go from here?”

  “Where do you want it to go, Holly? I’m open to whatever is comfortable for you. I’m not the kind of guy who has a string of women—it’s not who I am, but I think you already knew that.”

  “I know your family well, Nick. Your dad is faithful to your mom, Sue. He adores her. I see him do small, meaningful things for her every time we’re together. I’m sure you would be the same way because that’s how he raised you.”

  “My dad made a huge impact in my life,” Nick agreed. “He was the one who taught me to respect a woman, and not play games with her. I got several talks when I turned thirteen. But I’d already seen how he treated my mother. He’s always been my role model.”

  “When I was kissing you, I was thinking how unlike you were compared to most other guys.” She saw him cock his head, a question in his gaze. “You didn’t take from me, Nick. You offered something to me and then waited to see if I wanted it or not. Most guys will grab a kiss whether I want him to or not.”

  “Oh,” he said, “Well, that was talk 101 with my dad. He made it clear that a woman has her own mind and needs. And that whatever she wanted with me, she’d let me know. Then, I could react to it.” He shrugged. “It’s something I practiced when I was in a relationship during the military. I won’t take from you, Holly, without giving you back the same, or more, from myself.”

  “I could tell with just that kiss, Nick. I liked it a lot. I felt like I was a true partner in what we have.”

  “You always will be.”

  She heard the depth of his promise to her, saw it in his eyes, that commitment, that adoration of her as a woman of equal worth. “You asked me where I wanted to go with us?”

  “Yes.”

  “Can we just let this unfold naturally between us over time? We’re both so busy that I feel it would be best that way. What do you want to do?”

  He smiled a little, watching the light glance off her tousled red hair. “Sounds good to me. A day at a time.”

  Snow was coming down hard in town as Nick drove the van toward the shut-in area at four p.m. The smell of spaghetti and buttered, garlic toast filled the vehicle. Myra had made sweet potato cupcakes for dessert, and he stole one before they left the charity facility. It was nearly Thanksgiving and he was looking forward to taking Holly to his folks place for the afternoon and evening. The wipers were rhythmically swinging back and forth, throwing off the heavy, wet flakes. The roads were salted, but still Nick was wary of invisible black ice. In the late afternoon the heat of the day was gone and things got slick real fast.

  “Oh dear,” Holly called, sitting up, pointing out her passenger-side window. “Look, Nick!”

  Snowflake, who stood between them, heard the pitch of her voice change, and whined.

  Nick slowed and pulled over to the curb, then looked to where she was pointing. There was a yellow Labrador moving awkwardly through the belly deep snow between two brick buildings. Her ribs were prominent even though she had a short, thick winter coat on. “She’s starving,” he muttered, scowling. “It looks like a female Lab. She’s too dainty looking to be a male.”

  “She’s terribly thin,” Holly said, worried. “I wonder if someone dumped her—they do that all the time around here. I hate it.”

  “No collar on her, either,” Nick agreed. The Lab was about a hundred-feet down the alley between the two buildings, slugging it out with the snow. Nick heard Holly make a little sound of urgency. She had such a big heart, and she hated to see animals or humans suffer.

  Nick knew she wanted to get out and try to call the dog over to her. From the looks of the animal, her light-brown eyes wild looking, tongue lolling out of her mouth, her fur matted, he intuitively knew this was a dog that had been left behind a long time ago to fend for herself.

  “She’s feral,” he warned Holly. She turned, her huge, blue eyes filled with tears. “She won’t let us near her. I’m sorry.” And he was. It wouldn’t be the first dog dumped here that Nick had found, or that Holly had come upon around the building of one of her shut-ins. They had a no-kill shelter here, and this Lab would have had a warm place to stay, food, and care if they could befriend her.

  “Can’t we do something for her, Nick?”

  He put the van in park. “Yeah,” he said, getting up and moving between t
he seats. “Didn’t Myra pack some extra meatballs for the elders? She was thinking along the line of making them sandwiches tomorrow at noon.” He leaned over the different boxes, opening each one of them and peering inside.

  “Yes, she did.” Holly turned, watching him. “What are you going to do?”

  “I’ll put the meatballs out and hope she’ll smell them in the alley and come back and eat them. We can’t give her too much, Holly. As starved as she is, she’ll gobble it all down and then vomit it all right back up.”

  Making a sad sound, she twisted around. “Wait! She’s standing at the end of the alley, looking at us!”

  “She probably smells the food in the van,” Nick said, grabbing the bag of meatballs. Straightening a little, he opened the side door on the van. “I’ll be right back.”

  As Nick walked slowly toward the alley, he thought how much the female looked like Dude. A feminine version of him, for sure. She watched him warily, taking a step or two back, but her eyes stayed on the bag in his hand.

  Nick spoke softly to her, hoping his voice would calm her, not scare her. He knelt down at the entrance fifty-feet between them. Nick opened the bag and dumped the meat into the snow. Looking up, he saw her licking her chops. Yeah, she smelled the meat. That was good.

  “Come on, Lady,” he called softly to her, slowly rising and backing away. “Come and get your dinner. We’re not going to hurt you. Come on, girl.”

  Turning slowly so as not to startle her, he walked back to the van. By the time he got to it and turned, the Labrador had run up to where the food had been, gulped it, and then ran back down the alley and disappeared. The dog was potentially beautiful once she got cleaned up and fattened up a bit. Nick could tell she wanted to come to him, but fear kept her from doing that.

  Climbing into the van, he dropped the Ziploc into one of the nearby boxes behind his seat.