Twice Loved

by Wendy Lindstrom

  Evelyn touched his leg. “What happened to him?”

  “After his troop pulled out, we didn’t meet again until Collier’s Mills in Georgia. My regiment was part of Sherman’s plan to take Atlanta and our mission was to cross the Chattahoochee then push into the city. We had to cross Peach Tree Creek to get there. The Rebs cut us up bad and we lost over half of our regiment right there on that creek bank.”

  “Is that where you were wounded?”

  He shook his head. “No. We retreated and waited until Hooker and Geary could re-form their troops and join us. With the added men, we were able to drive the Rebs back behind their lines, but the fighting went on for days. By dumb luck and a few messages, Thorn and I were able to meet after dark one night in the middle of the river. I think we both knew what was coming, but we didn’t have time to linger over goodbyes. The next time I saw Thorn was in a cornfield at Collier’s Mill.” Radford compressed his lips and stopped talking.

  “That was the last time you saw him, wasn’t it?” she asked, knowing in her heart this was the source of Radford’s nightmares.

  He nodded. “We knew the odds were against us meeting on the battlefield, but somehow we did. Rebel infantry charged my regiment in a cornfield. Thorn was coming straight at me. I knew the second he spotted me because he tried to swerve, but we were both locked in position by the men flanking us. We couldn’t turn. There wasn’t anywhere for either of us to go.”

  “Oh, Radford, you didn’t?”

  “He did.” A sheen of moisture glinted on Radford’s cheeks and he placed his hands prayer fashion against his lips.

  Evelyn waited while he struggled for control.

  “He had no choice. I couldn’t shoot him. I just couldn’t. My gun fell when he stuck his bayonet in my side.”

  “He stabbed you?” she asked, horrified.

  “I was his enemy.”

  “You were friends!”

  “Not on the battlefield.” Radford raised sorrowful eyes to hers, seemingly oblivious to the moisture that brimmed his lids. “Your father shot him.”

  “Oh, no. Oh, Radford.”

  “Thorn fell beside me.” Radford closed his eyes, his throat convulsing. He drew a ragged breath. “We lay in the crushed cornstalks, bleeding and gripping hands. Thorn handed me a bag of tobacco and said to think of him when I smoked it. He asked me to give his watch to his fiancée and tell her that he loved her, that she didn’t have to wait anymore, and that he wished he... that he was sorry he wouldn’t make it back to marry her.”

  Radford buried his face in his hands. He couldn’t go on. The memory of Thorn lying beside him with blood staining his chest, running from his mouth into his blond hair, was too much. He’d never forget Thorn’s crooked smile as they lay in the crushed stalks, feet scuffling near their heads mingling with shouts and gunshot, that fierce grip of hands in that last moment before Thorn passed away. Memories assailed Radford and he recalled how Thorn had made fun of his name and called him Radical. He’d been able to make Radford laugh when he felt like blowing his own head off. He’d bragged that the Southern girls were sweeter’n peach pie. He taught Radford all the best ways to cheat at cards so he’d be able to catch his opponent at dirty dealing. He told stupid jokes that were only funny because of the way Thorn animated them.

  “Thorn just punctured my side,” Radford whispered. “It was the only way for him to remain loyal and not risk the men flanking him, but he forfeited his life for mine.” Radford pressed his fingers to his eyes, cursing the tears that wet his fingers, cursing the reason they were there.

  “You don’t have to do this.”

  “Yes I do.” His voice cracked, but he fought to speak. He was going to tell Evelyn everything. There wouldn’t be any more secrets to tear him down or ruin his future. He slid his fingers into his hair and clenched his fists. “I buried Thorn in that field. After the war ended, I took his watch home to his family. His brothers’ showed me the tobacco fields Thorn was so proud of. I’d heard so much about his Caroline that she felt like a sister. She wanted to know what the war was like for Thorn and if he had kept his sense of humor.”

  Radford’s confession was tearing Evelyn’s heart out, but she had to ask the question burning in her heart. “Did you hate my father for killing your friend?”

  He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and leaned back in his chair. “I loved your father. I never blamed him. He didn’t know Thorn. All he saw was a Rebel who had stuck his bayonet in my side. No one had time to ask questions. We lost two hundred and thirty-three men in our brigade during those few days, and almost five hundred in the division. When it was over, we buried our dead and wept like children. We just couldn’t stand it any longer.”

  The image of a group of bedraggled men weeping beside a string of fresh graves made Evelyn cry. She lowered her forehead to Radford’s shoulder and stroked his back. “I’ll never know how you survived that. I can’t even imagine how you felt.”

  “Mad,” he said. “In every sense of the word. After Collier’s Mills, I went crazy.”

  Evelyn sat back. “Who could blame you?”

  “I should have pulled myself together, but I couldn’t manage it.” He leaned forward and chucked a piece of wood in the stove. A spray of sparks shot up the chimney and he latched the door. With a shaky sigh, he stood up and shoved his hands in his pockets. “After Thorn died, I couldn’t control my reactions. I was at the edge of sanity. I had spent months at your father’s side, walking the leather off my boots, fighting dysentery, hunger, killing men who had wives and children waiting for them at home. All we did was skirmish, catch a few hours of sleep then march over the next hill and assault the enemy again. I hated it. I was homesick. I missed my brothers and my parents and the sound of our sawmill. Sometimes at night, I would break off a small pine bough and lay it next to my head. I’d smell the pine and pretend I heard the whine of circular saws rather than distant gunfire. I’d lie there and wonder if my family knew how often I thought about them.”

  “They knew, Radford. Kyle talked about you all the time. I know he missed you.”

  “When I volunteered, I never believed I’d be gone over three years.” Radford leaned against the edge of the table. “After General Sherman took Atlanta in early September, our regiment returned in November. We were ordered to destroy anything of military value: railroads, bridges, public buildings, anything the South might use against us. During the siege the city turned into an inferno.”

  Evelyn thought of her livery in flames and it sickened her. “Those people must have been devastated.”

  “The residents were furious and they came out to stop us. We tried to warn them off, but they were beyond reasoning. Most of them ended up crushed beneath the heels of our troops. That night became a repeat of every miserable battle we saw. The yells, the shots, the sound of flying metal and screaming men. I couldn’t stand it. The smoke burned my eyes and clogged my throat and I felt sick to my soul. I was sick to death of being forced to kill men. When I saw your father go down, my mind snapped. I killed the man who shot him. I felt like I’d climbed up out of the bowels of hell. I felt confused and out of control.” Radford turned tormented eyes to Evelyn. “I was going to kill myself then, but I didn’t have the guts. I figured the Confederates owed me, so I ran straight into their ranks. It was supposed to be a swift end.”

  “Oh, Radford,” Evelyn whispered, pressing her fingers to her mouth in horror. It was pitiful to think of Radford running toward his own death with welcoming arms.

  “That’s why I couldn’t stay here after the war. I didn’t deserve my father’s pride. I didn’t deserve a medal when it was cowardice that made me run at Chancellorsville. And I didn’t deserve your father’s respect.”

  Evelyn lowered her hands. “My father loved you like his own son. As for courage, I don’t believe you recognize it. You and Papa risked your lives in serving your country.”

  “I served my own needs. I was never a hero.”

  “I
t takes many traits to make a hero. It took courage to face an armed enemy. It was compassion that made you rail against such a waste. That’s why I love you, Radford. You care about people. You shepherd the weak. It went against your beliefs to harm anyone. You’re a son worthy of his father’s pride and his brother’s admiration. You’re the hero my father called you.” She cupped his face. “And you’re the love of my life.”

  Radford embraced her, and she returned the hug. It felt wonderful to have his arms around her again.

  They held each other, taking the comfort they had been missing for so long.

  “Now that you know the truth, do you still want to marry me?”

  “Even more than before,” She said then repeated her father’s words. “People don’t choose who they love, Radford. Our hearts do. My head would have chosen Kyle, but my heart chose you.”

  “I need a promise from you,” he said and Evelyn’s heart sank. “Don’t try to save me from my nightmares. When they happen take Rebecca and go someplace safe until my mind clears.” He cupped her face, his eyes intense. “I mean it, Evelyn. I can’t bear the thought of hurting anyone again.”

  Compassion filled her heart and she nodded. “I promise,” she said, knowing she could keep it. “But Radford, you aren’t going to have any more nightmares.” She caught his hands in hers. “You need to stop condemning yourself over things you can’t change. Be thankful for what we’ve found together. We’ve been blessed with something few people ever know. It’s up to us whether we spend our lives feeling guilty for things we’ve done, or rejoicing that our hearts could sift through shades of honor to find this love.” She cupped Radford’s jaw. “We’ve been trying to make amends in all the wrong ways. What we need to do is to show Kyle that something this wonderful is worth waiting for. Someday he’ll realize that there is a special woman out there just for him who will prove us right. And someday you’ll learn to forgive yourself and find the peace you deserve.”

  Chapter Twenty-eight

  As if the fates had intentionally brought Evelyn and Radford together, their small wedding ceremony was blessed with a pristine dusting of snow. Inside, lanterns glowed in soft yellow hues and the iron stove radiated a cozy warmth for their twenty guests. Urns of coffee and steaming trays of food were piled high on Evelyn’s lace-covered table for the intimate celebration.

  They stood before Pastor Ainslie and exchanged their vows. Radford’s throat closed when he placed the ring that would bind them for all time on Evelyn’s callused finger. Her hand trembled as she slipped the matching band onto his finger and he thought she had never looked more beautiful. She wore her emerald silk dress and had pulled her hair up in the loose cascade of curls that he remembered from the night they confessed their love for one another.

  Boyd nudged Radford in the ribs and Pastor Ainslie repeated his question. “I... I will,” Radford said, and Evelyn answered with a smile, her face radiant.

  “I pronounce you man and wife,” the pastor said with a smile. “You may kiss your bride, Mr. Grayson.”

  Radford ran his hands up Evelyn’s silk-encased arms. With his thumb, he tilted her chin and met her eyes, knowing there was not an emerald in the world more beautiful than what he saw. “My wife,” he whispered, lowering his mouth to hers.

  Evelyn read the silent promise in Radford’s eyes before he brushed her lips in a tender kiss. Though propriety kept them from deepening it, her heart swelled with love and passion as she looked at her handsome husband. He stood so proud and tall in his Prince Albert suit of black crepe. The white shirt collar contrasted with his dark hair and lent him an aristocratic air. Her gaze locked with his and she longed for privacy where they might give voice to the celebration in their hearts.

  “Why is she crying?” Rebecca asked in a whisper that brought quiet laughter to the small group gathered around them.

  Radford offered Evelyn his handkerchief and she laughed as she dabbed her eyes. Together they turned and knelt before Rebecca, who had been standing behind them with Duke, Boyd, and his mother. Radford pulled Rebecca into his arms and kissed her cheek, but it was Evelyn she struggled to reach. “Are you really my mama now?” she asked.

  Evelyn’s eyes watered. “Yes, sweetheart, I really am.” She wrapped her arms around Rebecca, knowing this little girl would always hold a special place in her heart. They had both found someone who understood insecurity and doubt and the needs of a wounded soul. They would always be each other’s strength.

  “Can we eat cake now?” Rebecca asked, and Evelyn laughed through her tears.

  “As much as you want, but let’s say hello to our friends before we cut it,” she said, turning to their waiting guests.

  Radford hugged his mother while Evelyn claimed Agatha. “I’m too old to be a matron of honor,” Agatha said, “but thank you for allowing me the pleasure.”

  “I wouldn’t have had anyone else,” Evelyn said, hugging the motherly woman.

  “My turn,” Boyd said, sweeping Evelyn into an enormous hug. “Welcome to the family, sis.” He planted a loud kiss on her cheek and grinned at Agatha. “You’re next.”

  Laughing, Evelyn turned to their other guests. When she got to Amelia Drake, she thanked her for bringing the cat. “I love Missy and her little ones. They seem to love their warm home in the livery, and Rebecca has already named the kittens. As you can see,” she said, pointing to one of the kittens that was sniffing something under the sofa, “they already have full run of the house and barn.”

  “I hope you won’t hold this against me,” Amelia said with a laugh. “I’m delighted for all of you, and very pleased to share this happy day with you and Radford.”

  “Thank you, Amelia. And we truly love these furry little rascals.”

  Turning to the rest of her waiting guests, Evelyn kissed Duke on the cheek and thanked him for giving her away. When she had him blushing, she hugged her new mother-in-law and explained that Radford and Rebecca had bought her the beautiful magnolia pin on her bodice. Martha and Tom Fisk were the next to offer their wishes, and by the time Evelyn kissed and hugged her way through their clan of children she was eager to find Radford.

  He was standing at the kitchen window overlooking the wide, snow-covered yard. She slipped her arm through his knowing he was missing Kyle, the same as she was. “Is it okay if I say I miss him, too?”

  Radford put his arm around her and pulled her against him. “A part of me is lost without him here.”

  “Me, too, Radford, but it’s not just Kyle. It’s Papa and Mama and your father, too. I miss them all.”

  Radford sighed and turned to his beautiful wife, knowing he should be standing here counting his blessings, not mourning his lost brother. This was his wedding day and it should be filled with laughter and love. Summoning every ounce of his resolve, he turned his heart toward giving his wife a day to remember. They played with Rebecca and Helen and joked with their guests while trying to ignore the dull ache in their chests from those absent.

  As they cut their cake, Radford felt the sudden hesitation in Evelyn’s hand and saw the look of shock on her face. He followed her gaze and experienced his own jolt of disbelief.

  Kyle stood in the doorway with a large package in his hands. It was obvious in the expressions of their guests that they didn’t know what to expect any more than Radford did. Together they laid down the knife and went to meet Kyle.

  “You came,” Evelyn said softly, as she reached for his hands.

  He set the package aside and leaned it against the wall. “I couldn’t miss my friend’s wedding day.” He pulled her into his arms and embraced her, holding her for a long, tense moment while Radford and their guests looked on.

  “Be happy,” he said near her ear then eased her away.

  Though they had invited Kyle to the wedding, they hadn’t expected him to attend, and Radford was uncertain of his brother’s motivation. “I’m glad you came,” he said, offering Kyle a handshake.

  Kyle stared at Radford’s trembling h
and then slapped it away. Evelyn gasped and Radford thought she’d swoon on the spot, her pain for him apparent in her stricken expression.

  “What kind of greeting is that for a brother?” Kyle asked then to Radford’s amazement, Kyle put his strong logger’s arms around Radford’s shoulders and thumped him hard on the back.

  Radford clapped his brother on the back and they hugged with a fierceness that would have cracked the bones of lesser men. To have all of this— a family, a beautiful, loving wife, a precious daughter—was surely more than he deserved. Before Radford broke down in front of his guests, he bit his lip and released his brother.

  Kyle cleared his throat. “I brought you something. I hope it’s appropriate.” He retrieved the package and handed it to Radford.

  Radford glanced at Evelyn who was sagging against the table wiping her eyes. “Looks like I’ll have to do the honors. Our girl is a bit pale.”

  He peeled away a layer of brown paper to reveal a wooden sign engraved in large, charred letters that read:

  Grayson’s Lumber and Timber Works

  Proprietors:

  Radford Grayson

  Kyle Grayson

  Duke Grayson

  Boyd Grayson

  Also burned into the sign were four small hand axes with the blades facing inward, each axe touching to form an unbroken square. Radford immediately recognized their significance. They represented the combined efforts of four brothers, the worth and strength of their brotherhood, the values their father had raised them with. And his name was listed first, in the honorary position held by the eldest.