Stay with Me

by Sheryl Wright

  Slipping from the bedroom, she made her way to the foyer. The apartment door had been left propped open. Leading from the door was a line of burning tea candles. That made her smile. She had spent some time explaining to Georgie that bigger gifts weren’t the answer. She wanted bigger acts. “Show me how much you care,” she’d told her. “I know you can buy me anything, baby. That’s not what I need. I need to know you’re here for me, now and forever.”

  That had been hard for Georgie to understand. Actually, it had been like pulling teeth but that was the good and bad about her, and they had spent many a long evening discussing all the things that really mattered to each other. That had been an eye-opener, not just for Georgie, but for her too. She knew Georgie appreciated all the efforts she made at her side but she noticed the little things as well. The woman was like a hawk; she saw everything, everything except for the fact that giving up on them would cause Tyler pain.

  Pushing the fire door open, she was surprised by the sheer number of lit candles lining the stairs. Stepping carefully, she followed the trail to the roof as a tingling excitement began its way up her spine. She liked this, loved this, Georgie’s rooftop romanticisms. When she and Lori had brought her home from recuperating at the big house, Tyler wanted to do something special and immediately decided it was time to create a full-time rooftop patio. Other than putting out heaters and ashtrays for the annual New Year’s gathering, the rooftop sat empty all year long. She didn’t know if Mr. Fener, the contractor working on all the changes to the building, held Georgie in such high esteem or was just plain scared of her, but he had the roof patio constructed in days with terraced decking and seating and dining areas. There were large box planters everywhere, and she and Georgie had spent all last weekend choosing and planting flowers and colorful shrubs.

  At the top landing, the fire door was propped open and she could see even more candles ahead. Stepping out in the late evening, she marveled at the display. A sea of candlelight blazed in soft contrast against a starry night sky. Standing, staring, she was overwhelmed. This is what Georgie did, orchestrating these perfect moments of pure joy. Stuck in place, Tyler felt her presence. And then she was there. Quietly, Georgie stepped up beside her, gently placing a supportive hand on her back.

  “Baby…” Until that moment, she was unaware of the tears rolling down her cheeks.

  Unassumingly, Georgie offered her hand. “I’m here,” she said quietly.

  Georgie led her toward the new patio area. In the wide space in front of the long built-in bench she had arranged what looked like all the patio cushions, some blankets and even pillows. Tyler wasn’t sure where the pillows had come from but had a sneaking suspicion Georgie had raided Henry’s guest room. It all looked so cozy and inviting, she couldn’t help turning and wrapping her arms around her neck. She loved that, the way she could just drape herself over Georgie, and how Georgie’s arms, so strong, could encompass and protect her. She had missed this, this feeling of need from Georgie, her complete and utter belief in them together. Easing her tight grip, she consented to stretching out on the makeshift bed. At first she had wondered why the patio daybed hadn’t been utilized until she sat down among the cushions. By creating this nest, set so low, they were below the roof’s parapet and the wind blowing in off the lake. The cool evening temperature, slightly high for this first week of May, was more than comfortable, sheltered as they were from the night wind. As Georgie fussed with a blanket, making sure she was nestled in safe and warm, she noted, “I can’t believe you went to all this trouble.”

  “For my Tyler…anything.”

  There was so much sincerity and promise in that statement, she was almost tempted to let everything go, but how could she? “Baby, I know you’re trying. God, how you do things, and I’m so glad you didn’t jump into the deep end with the gifts and all. And the slippers too, they’re beautiful. Irises, blue irises, you remembered…”

  At the long pause, Georgie begged, “I’m listening…please, my Tyler…explain.”

  Nestling closer, she stared at the stars, searching for words. That was the great thing about Georgie; she would wait patiently for as long as it took for her to sort her thoughts or decide how she wanted to raise a painful issue. It wasn’t necessary to present them cautiously. The woman always listened and never took offense. She honestly believed that anything Tyler was feeling was valid and worth sharing, even the negative things. She had never known anyone who could so successfully set her ego aside to listen, really listen to personal criticism.

  “I’m still so mad at you!” blasted out of nowhere. Admitting it to herself was almost as revealing as Georgie’s reply.

  “I know…me too.”

  “Who are you mad at?”

  “Me,” she admitted easily. “I gave up.”

  That admission stalled Tyler’s racing thoughts. It wasn’t as if Georgie hadn’t taken responsibility for her actions or explained herself before, in detail, however haltingly. Now, in this moment, she appeared to comprehend her actions more clearly than ever. “You realized something. Is it your long talks with Aunt Helen?”

  She nodded, closing her eyes, “That too.”

  Tyler waited, recognizing that whatever she was about to share she had prepared in advance. That was a good sign. She liked to think Georgie was working on this, sorting it out. She didn’t want her feeling sick or guilty, but she needed to understand the true catalyst.

  “I have…never given up…Even after Afghanistan…”

  “But you left Margaret,” Tyler challenged her. Adding, “And then you left me.”

  Georgie’s eyebrows raised as a gentle grin brightened her face. “Oh no…you talked to…her?”

  “Yes. Yes I did and you can’t blame me!” It was all she could do to remain still. Her natural inclination was to stand and pace whenever she was riled up.

  “No blaming, promise. My Tyler…tell you a secret?” At her nod, Georgie explained, “When I came back…remembered no one. No one…I just followed…Marnie, Lori were strangers too.”

  “What, wait…” She sat up to look at her, then settled back in, resting on an elbow to face her. “If you didn’t remember anyone, why would you ask to be moved from Margaret’s—correction, the home you and Margaret shared—back to the big house?”

  She shook her head. “Told the VA doctors…No more strangers. I want to go…back to rehab, not family.”

  “I don’t understand. What about Henry, you knew who he was?”

  Again she shook her head. “Very nice man asked…come stay…hear old sounds…see old faces…maybe remember. The doctors too…said try. Don’t give up…I like a challenge. Margaret too…said she would stay…with me.”

  “I don’t understand then, what changed, why did you leave her?” she pushed.

  “Oh no, my Tyler.” Georgie’s eyes were moist, kindness and honesty radiating. “Aunt Georgie’s bedroom…my old room, it was…catalyst.” She reached to Tyler, brushing an errant strand of hair from her eyes and back behind her ear. “My room, first…Then Henry. Just his voice…nothing more. Margaret…Margaret was restless. And I wasn’t…” For the first time, Georgie looked away, unwilling to meet her eyes.

  “Oh no you don’t! I know you, Georgina. You just spit out whatever’s embarrassing you so much.”

  Georgie smiled at her flare of temper. “You will be…good mom.”

  “Stop stalling.”

  Still not meeting her eyes, Georgie took a deep breath, finally rushing out the story like a misfiring engine. “She wanted…I couldn’t…not yet, not then…couldn’t explain…she…she was hurt. Then ultimatums…fighting, fighting…made it worse. I just couldn’t…she…”

  Sitting a little higher, Tyler took in the shame on Georgie’s face. She cupped her cheek and turned her head to make eye contact. “Are you saying she moved into the big house with you, stayed in your old room too?” At her nod, she pushed on to the part she knew would have humiliated her partner, especially in the one-sided sex
ual relationship she shared with her ex. “So you’re saying she left when you wouldn’t fuck her?”

  Even in the candlelight, it was easy to see Georgie was embarrassed. It was amusing and curious how shy she was when it came to talking about sex. Funny too, considering the woman had zero problems expressing herself when they made love. “Baby, I have to say, I hate her and love her.” That drove Georgie’s brows way up. “I hate her for being such a bitch and yes, what you’re saying makes sense and it fits with a few weird things she’s said, you know, off the cuff when she wasn’t paying attention. And I’m just realizing how thankful I am for that woman’s crass, social climbing ‘Oh look at me, I’m a victim’ bullshit. She gave up on you and that was my good fortune. What I don’t understand is why you didn’t leave her.”

  “I made a commitment…even if I didn’t…remember.”

  That made Tyler mad and she was sitting up again. She couldn’t look at Georgie. “So you were willing to live up to your commitment to a bitch you didn’t even remember, but you have no problem walking away from me? What the fuck, Georgie!” She felt a warm hand on her back, slowly rubbing small circles. Angry and confused, all she wanted to do was shake off that hand. Shake it off and walk away.

  “I don’t do…scared, very well,” Georgie admitted quietly. Her hand had stilled on her back but she didn’t withdraw physically, she seemed to understand Tyler’s inclination to bolt. “All I could see…all I could think…me letting you down…me leaving you alone…you and our babies…I broke inside. My Tyler, I did not…give up on you. I gave up on me…I gave up. Never been so scared…” She added, almost in a whisper, “Never.”

  “Afghanistan?” Tyler questioned weakly. “You must have been scared when you went down in Afghanistan?”

  “Yes,” she admitted, “but different…I had training…I had procedures…and I had pain, pain, my companion.” She explained, “Pain kills fear.”

  Georgie had never confessed to the pain or commented on how she had survived that long night broken and alone. “You never told me that.”

  “Never told anyone,” she acknowledged, moving to sit knee to knee and take Tyler’s hands in hers. “With you…with this,” she said, tapping a hand above her heart, “I have no…ROE.”

  “Rules of Engagement?” Tyler asked then questioned, “but how does that…”

  Georgie squeezed both her hands, holding eye contact as she explained, “No solution…First time ever. I knew I would…fail you. It killed me, and I…I gave up, not on you, not my Tyler…I gave up…on me…on getting better…on life.”

  “You were scared,” she said in a whisper. It felt almost silly, but something about the idea of Georgie being frightened was so wrong. “I’ve never known you to be scared of anything. Well, not anything important. Things like people and therapy, but not me, not the future?”

  That garnered an immediate smile. “Your first week.” Now she was grinning, really grinning. “I could barely breathe…when you…seeing you.”

  “Please,” Tyler laughed, releasing some of her building tension. “You were cool as a cucumber.”

  Smiling, Georgie leaned in giving her a soft, promising kiss. It was the kind of kiss that always confused her, tempting and promising but patient too. Finally she asked the one thing that had been eating at her the most. “Did you even think of me, you know, over the weekend, back in the big house in your old room?”

  “I thought always…I didn’t deserve you.” She looked away for the longest time, finally saying, “First night, trying to rest, in my room…Aunt Georgie’s room, empty. I was empty too. So much loss…everything hurt…this most.” She tapped above her heart again. “Felt stupid…failure too…I wanted you but…didn’t know how. How do I fix me? How do I find…solution? Heart attack…fear…protect you. No way to fix!”

  “Please tell me you weren’t really trying to create an algorithm to solve the problem?” She asked this as a joke, remembering Lori’s insistence and Helen’s agreement that it was the only problem solving mechanism she had. The glimmer she saw in those telling eyes said everything. “Oh my God! You did?”

  Without explanation and only the slightest hesitancy, Georgie withdrew a folded sheet of paper from the back pocket of her jeans, handing it over.

  Tyler had to reach out for one of the nearby candles for enough light. She examined the paper first. The header read ‘From the Desk of Georgina DiNamico.’ Tyler had no recollection of ordering custom notepads, then realized the paper must have been from her Aunt Georgina’s desk, and noting the aged and yellowing edges, she understood her fiancée must have written this that weekend back at the big house. The first section was indeed a ridiculous algorithm, but more telling was all that followed.

  After more than a year of reading through Georgie’s project notes she recognized her logic. First she would try to capture all the data points influencing a given problem, create a basic algebraic formula that explained her proposed process, and then list all the unknown variables. This list of variables was more telling than anything she could have said. “You wanted to call Friday night?” she asked, but didn’t wait for an answer. They were all right there on that single methodically detailed page. “How could you keep telling yourself it was best for me, if you were so hoping I would come for you?”

  “More time…fear for you became…shame in me. And…never been so…terrified.”

  She sat for the longest time, just looking at Georgie, looking into her eyes. She was like no one she had ever known. “You said babies, plural.” It was even included in the problem set, proof positive that leaving a family behind was an issue for her. “Did you mean that?”

  “Of course,” she said, with an open look that confirmed it was true. “Still, scared for you alone…if I should die but…more scared…living without you.”

  In that moment it wasn’t the gifts, or the promises, or even Georgie’s patience that had made the difference. How was it a woman with so many challenges conveying her thoughts verbally could say so much? She would always tell Tyler it was her own listening skills and ability to comprehend her broken thoughts that made all the difference. Whether that was true or not, something was shifting in her, something she worried could never be righted.

  “Baby, I have a secret too.” At Georgie’s questioning look, she explained. “I know you get scared and I know you think you have to pull through everything all alone but you don’t, never again. I don’t care if we only have a few years—but I have a feeling you’re too damn tough for even Kevlar to kill. I want us to spend a long life together. I want our kids to grow up learning cool things from you. I’ll take care of the scary stuff, I will baby, I promise. Now you promise me, next time you think you might let me down and don’t know what to do, you send me a text. Even if I’m sitting beside you, understand?”

  Tyler leaned in, wrapping her arms around her neck and kissing her cheek, she whispered, “Next time, just text ‘Stay with me.’”

  * * *

  Sitting in her screened-in porch, Lori had been contemplating the darkened beach for hours when she heard a car stop and a door slam. Assuming it was a noisy neighbor coming home from a late night on the town, she was startled when Peachy tripped the motion sensor and set off the outside lights. Fuck, just what I need.

  After presenting a stunned and stammeringly grateful Aydan with the scarves—downplaying if not masking their expense—she had waited a couple of days before asking Aydan out, and she had been wallowing in her rejection ever since. Oh, she had been sweet, explaining she just needed a little more time. Lori tried to take comfort knowing nothing had happened between Zoe and Aydan, at least not yet. Zoe, she knew, would waste zero time in sharing that victory.

  “Helloooo!”

  “Geez Peachy, what the hell are you doing here?”

  “Nice, Phipps! Who pissed in your cornflakes?” she snorted, making her way into the screen porch without invitation. “Aren’t you happy to see me?”

  “No, as a matt
er of fact, I’m not. I’m sorry but I need time alone. I told you that, remember?”

  “Oh you big goof, I don’t mind dropping by and cheering you up. What’s got you all in a gruff anyway?” She was outfitted in a tight-fitting dress, and kicking off her heels, she swatted Lori’s hand from her lap and planted herself down, taking her time to shamelessly grind her ass into Lori’s crotch.

  “Knock it off!” she snarled, getting to her feet and dumping the woman from her lap. “Come on Peachy, we talked about this. I don’t want that with you.”

  “Oh, take it down a notch there, stud. I was just having a little fun.”

  “You sound like some stupid frat boy.” Storming into the kitchen and grabbing herself another beer, she tried to figure out what to do, just how rude she was willing to be.

  Reaching into the fridge for her own beer, Peachy offered casually, “Listen, I’m sorry. I just had a bad night and thought, selfishly thought, you would cheer me up. Looks like you’re the one who needs cheering. So, what’s so eating at you that you’re not interested in a little fun?”