This Love

by Hilaria Alexander

  “Are you done?” He asked, the smirk still on his face.

  “That was it,” I said smugly, biting my lip.

  He looked like he wanted to say something, but we just kept staring at each other. Then, a few seconds later, he leaned on his elbows on a corner of the piano and started speaking.

  “Do you want to know what I think?” he asked.

  “Duh! Of course I do!” I replied.

  “You probably already know what I think… I’m trying to come up with the right words to say, because I don’t want to scare you…I don’t want to pressure you.”

  “You aren’t,” I reassured him, smiling.

  I don’t know how much longer I was going to deny I was head over heels in love with him. He reached for my hands and took them in his.

  “You know you are far too talented to not play. I’m not saying you should go back to doing what your parents wanted you to do and what they wanted you to be. You should play what you want, but you should definitely play. Throwing this kind of talent away…it’s stupid, really.”

  I struggled to find the right words to say to him. I was surprised and a little astonished by the fact that someone that had known me for such a short amount of time would be so supportive, so encouraging. His words made me feel like I was being lifted up on a cloud, like I could do and accomplish anything I’d set my mind to.

  “So you might not be good enough to be a concert pianist,” he added, “who cares? There are a million other things you could be doing. Didn’t you say you tried writing songs before?” he asked.

  I smiled at him and tried to say something, all while getting up from the bench, but he had other ideas in mind. Just as I was standing up, he leaned down to kiss me. I don’t know how we didn’t slam into each other, because his kiss surprised me. I was trying to reciprocate it, but I lost my balance, falling backwards. I tried to hold on to him, grabbing the lapels of his jacket and ending up making him fall on top of me. My head hit the floor, and the legs of the bench screeched loudly as I fell and involuntarily pushed it aside.

  And now I was lying on the floor of a closed music store, in the middle of the night, with Lou Rivers plastered on top of me.

  Hysteria took the place of embarrassment, and I started laughing uncontrollably, my laughter vibrating through our bodies. Lou eased himself up on top of me, but didn’t get up; he merely adjusted his weight so he wouldn’t be pressing on me as much.

  “Shhhh,” he fought a smile, “Ian is going to kick us out. Keep it quiet. Are you sure you’re okay?” He asked, trying to caress the back of my head to see if I was hurt.

  “Leave it to me to do something like that,” I said, the laughter finally subsiding. I exhaled deeply and looked at his face. “Pretty sure Ian will not let us do this again anytime soon,” I laughed.

  “Probably not,” he whispered, “but we are here now,” he added, and the southern drawl made an appearance once again. I loved when that happened. It made it impossible to resist him.

  We were almost in complete darkness, but there was some light from a back window coming in. It made Lou’s eyes look gray instead of green. I never made love by lantern shine, I thought, singing in my head the song he played for me earlier that day.

  “I thought we agreed we weren’t going to kiss anymore,” I whispered.

  “That was your decision. How’s that working out for you, by the way?” he asked with a smile, staring at my lips, grinding his hips ever so gently against me. He knew how to tempt me. Nerves fired up in my belly and suddenly I couldn’t think. He stared at me, waiting for an answer.

  “It was…working out okay.”

  “And now?”

  “Now I’m not so sure anymore.”

  He lowered his head and kissed me, this time taking it slowly, using the position to his advantage. He placed soft kisses on my mouth, and when my lips parted, he wrapped his tongue around mine, cradling my jaw, bringing it up to him. His kisses were deep and hungry, nipping at my bottom lip from time to time. They left me breathless, and when he looked at me as if asking for permission to continue, my heart felt like it was going to explode. He was beautiful, but it was more than that. It was something more between us. I felt like he was the only one who understood me, like he and I were in our own world even when we were in a room full of people. Most times, it seemed he knew how I felt, with just a look. The way his kisses branded my skin, had me realizing it was much more than purely physical pleasure. I had never felt like this with anyone before. Was this love? Fuck, I was falling in love with him. Oh, what a stupid, stupid notion. You’re going to get hurt, I told myself, and surprisingly, I didn’t care anymore. Getting hurt was going to be worth all of this.

  Suddenly, it seemed like my hands had a mind of their own. They started exploring his body, everywhere, squeezing his butt, running up his back, and making their way down to his erection, large and arousing. My mouth couldn’t get enough of him either, kissing every inch of his face and neck. The low growl coming out of his mouth told me he quite enjoyed handsy Ella. His hand made its way under my sweater, caressing my skin, before traveling south of my navel, inside my yoga pants. My back arched, and a moan escaped me at the touch of his long, skilled fingers. He moved slightly to my side, giving me room to part my legs and grant him better access. In between choked moans and heavy breathing, our eyes locked. He seemed as focused as ever on the task at hand. His thumb pressed and circled and teased my clit while his index and middle finger made their way in and out of me. I hadn’t forgotten about him, and I wanted to go further than rubbing my hand on him through his jeans, but he stopped me when I tried to undo his belt, pointing at the ceiling and telling me to be quiet. His fingers were working me faster and faster, and I rocked against his hand, chasing the crescendo that would tip me over the edge. He urged me to be quiet, but there was only so much I could do to contain the strangled cry of pleasure coming out of my mouth. He kissed my lips softly, encouraging me to let go. The orgasm unraveled through me like waves, my pounding heart loud in my ears. When I opened my eyes again, he was watching me, a soft and amused look in his eyes. Still panting, I pulled him down to me to kiss him stupid, but he ended up bumping into the piano bench. It made the same screeching noise again, and I barely had time to press my lips to his before we were both laughing, unable to keep quiet any longer. A noise from upstairs startled us, and we quickly disentangled, got up and straightened our clothes.

  We left the store running like thieves, laughing and kissing all the way home.

  CHAPTER 8

  “You know what I was thinking…” he said, lowering his head and looking down before staring at me again. He was all smiles and furtive looks today, even more than usual. I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about his kisses or his hands on me all morning. Every look he gave me just made it worse. It was so difficult to act normal around him.

  “What were you thinking?”

  “You should be my guide.”

  “Your guide?” I asked, confused.

  “Yeah, you know. There are so many things I haven’t seen yet and you do know Amsterdam pretty well. Take me to see all the cool places. Like that coffee shop we went to the first time we hung out.” I wasn’t that naïve; I knew what he was trying to do. Taking him around meant spending more time alone with him. Spending more time alone with him meant falling into patterns I should have steered clear of. I knew what he was aiming at.

  “You have been here for weeks, Lou. I’m pretty sure you have seen plenty of cool places!” I said, dismissively.

  “Yeah, but not as much as I would like. I kind of got distracted,” he replied, giving me a hooded look that made my stomach flip. “And I haven’t gone to the Van Gogh museum yet.”

  “YOU HAVEN’T?” I asked him, too surprised to be able to contain the shock in my voice. “What, why?” I babbled for a moment before I asked, “Why haven’t you gone yet?” my voice sounding exasperated.

  “Well, I was hoping we could go together…you told m
e how many times you’ve been…I thought it’d be fun to go with someone who knew the place well,” he said shrugging.

  When I saw him this morning, I blushed a deep red, and he seemed equally bashful. The make out session that had followed our musical escapade last night was something out of a dream. After I had gotten upstairs, my phone chimed, and I found a text from him that just said:

  “You did it.”

  I was still questioning the events of last night, and it was hard not to think about his fingers in my panties and my hands roaming his body. I also couldn’t stop thinking about the fact Ally had been right all along with her finger porn comment. I kept zoning out and staring at his lips and thinking about his kisses. I had it bad, real bad. I came out of my daydream while he was talking about windmills.

  “I also heard of this place in the countryside, where you can hang out between the picturesque windmills of the Netherlands...” he said with the theatrics of an announcer from a travel commercial. He grinned at me, aware of how ridiculous his pitch sounded.

  “Yeah, I heard of that place too...and?”

  “Well, I think you should take me to see the windmills,” he teased in a low voice, his face just a few inches away from mine.

  “Why does it sound like something dirty when you say it like that?” I asked, mimicking his tone, moving my face closer to his, balancing myself on the bar with my hands.

  “It’s because you have a dirty mind, Ella,” he replied with a smirk, before drinking a sip of coffee. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him and his lips, and the image of the two of us on the floor flashed in front of my eyes, and I blushed again.

  “If you guys are done flirting all over this counter,” Ally said, popping up at the other end of the bar, “there’s someone here that would like to order some food. As long as you two are done, otherwise I am going to gag!”

  We both turned to her without saying a word. I hadn’t even seen her come in, which was crazy, considering we weren’t even busy.

  “Why don’t you guys just do it and get it out of your system?” she asked as if it were the most normal thing to say.

  Lou chuckled and looked down, shaking his head at Ally’s forwardness. I rolled my eyes, sighed and decided against saying something I would regret. But I wasn’t letting her off easy.

  I held my imaginary tiny violin and said, “Ally, this tiny violin is playing just for you.” She gave me the “Friends” fuck-you salute. Fair enough.

  “What do you want to order, you brat?” I asked, trying to keep a serious, annoyed face. She gave me her order—to go—and then I proceed to take it to Helga in the kitchen. When I got back, she and Lou were sitting next to each other, deep into conversation. At the same time, the door opened, and I saw a familiar face peek in.

  “Hendrick, you’re back!” I threw the towel I was holding on the bar and ran to him, as he made his way through the tables, smiling.

  I launched myself at him and hugged him tight. He spun me around, laughing.

  When he put me down, I took a better look at his face. He looked great, just as handsome as I remembered, maybe just a little bit skinnier, which made him look more grown-up. Besides Ally, Hendrick was one of my closest friends—and former lover.

  “It’s good to see you again, Ella! I missed you!” he said looking at me.

  “I missed you too!”

  Johan and Helga joined me in saying hi to him.

  “Helga! Johan! Het is goed om terug te zijn!” he said, hugging them. They were happy to see him too, and the three of them started chatting, talking a little too fast for me to grasp anything. I still watched the whole interaction and took a better look at him. His blonde hair was shorter in the back and longer in the front, falling on his forehead. His eyes were just as blue and bright as I remembered.

  Behind me, I could hear Lou ask Ally, “Who’s Hendrick?”

  Ally replied, teasing him. “Another one of her paramours. You didn’t think you were the only one, did you?”

  Jesus, that lady! Always so damn feisty! Did she really have to say that? There was no need to make Lou jealous. There was nothing going on between Hendrick and me anymore. That was just a fling.

  I had met Hendrick when I started working for Helga and Johan. He was one of the few usual customers that knew more English, and we hit it off right away. He was just a couple years older than me and was a deejay. Not only did he have a cool job, but he was also handsome and funny. Pretty soon, he invited me to go see him deejay at a club and it wasn’t long after that night that we started sleeping together, occasionally. He had made it clear though he wasn’t looking for a girlfriend, and at first I didn’t think I was looking for a relationship either. He also didn’t want to get involved, because he planned to go to London to study music production for a master’s degree. At first, it seemed that the attraction between us was enough—our arrangement suited me just fine—but later on I realized that even though I liked him, our relationship wasn’t going to grow or change into anything else, and it made me feel empty. We broke it off on friendly terms, and I still continued to see him as a friend when he’d be playing at a club. We kept in touch even now that he lived in London, but I had no idea he was coming back.

  “Are you here for a visit?” I asked him when he was done talking to Johan.

  “Yes,” he turned to me and paused for a moment before switching to English. His brow furrowed, and he said, “I’ll be here for a few days, but I’m going back to London. My master’s program isn’t over for another couple of months.”

  Johan asked him something else, and I resumed whatever I was doing before he walked in.

  When I went back to the bar, Ally and Lou were still sitting there.

  “Lou is jealous,” Ally said flatly, without batting an eye.

  “You’re terrible, you know that?” he rebuffed, trying to look unfazed by her words. He was blushing though, and I couldn’t deny I was tickled by the whole thing.

  “Hendrick is just a friend,” I reassured him. “You know, that wasn’t very nice, Ally.”

  “Oh, relax! Instead, let’s talk about what we’re going to do for your birthday next week.”

  “My birthday? I have no idea. Doing nothing at all sounds wonderful to me.”

  “Nonsense. These are the years that need to be celebrated. After thirty, you’re off the hook.”

  “Okay,” I agreed without making a fuss. I knew it was pointless to argue with her. It was nice she remembered my birthday was coming up, but honestly I didn’t feel like making a big deal about it. It just made me think of my parents and our strained relationship. I probably should send them another postcard soon or make a phone call, just to let them know I was still alive.

  When Ally left, I made the introductions between Lou and Hendrick. They chatted for a while and then Hendrick left, saying he had a few errands to run. Lou wasn’t supposed to meet with Hans Koll today, so he came with me to pick up Lieke at school, and afterwards we started playing. The number of songs he had was growing, and he felt like he finally had something to give to the record company when they’d try to check on him.

  Things between us had been different since last night. All day he stole kisses from me whenever we were alone, and I didn’t stop him. In fact, I wanted more. I wondered why he never asked me to go to his apartment. I should have asked him. Maybe I should have told him plain and simple that I wanted him.

  It seemed I could never find the right time to say those words. My emotions were betraying me though, because Helga noticed something was different.

  “What’s going on between you and the boy?” she asked with a sly smile when we were alone in the kitchen. I tried to dismiss it and cried, “Niets!” but the blush on my face betrayed me once again, and when I looked into her eyes, she just smiled and then proceeded to hug me for a good five minutes.

  “You deserve to be happy, sweet girl,” she whispered. “Don’t let your fears make you miss out on something as beautiful as love.”

&
nbsp; My fears. I felt like I was getting rid of some, since last night’s groundbreaking turn of events, but when it came to Lou, there was a whole chunk of fears I couldn’t let go of.

  We had been making out pretty much all day, but when evening came he was quieter than usual, and he wasn’t joking around as much. I wondered what was up with him. Then, before we said goodbye, he told me he had to leave Amsterdam in about a week.

  “A week?” I asked him.

  His eyes were fixed on mine, and I tried really hard to hide the disappointment on my face, but I knew I wasn’t doing a good job at all.

  “Josh has some tech booked for me for the next few weeks. The record company knows, so I can’t just blow it off.”

  I lowered my head, unable to look at him. I didn’t want him to leave. I had been afraid of this moment for weeks, and it was even worse now, because during the last few days, the bond and the level of trust between us had gotten even stronger. It wasn’t just a sexual attraction I had for him. I loved how he seemed playful and carefree most of the time, and then he’d surprise me by being deep and soulful. I loved the way he looked at me when I played; it gave me confidence and made me believe I was capable of anything. Shit, did I really just admit to myself I loved him? It didn’t really matter, though, did it? Because one way or another, I would have to get used to life without him.

  “Come to Florence with me, Ella.” He grabbed me by my hips, holding me close to him.

  I wanted to say yes. Instead, I lied.

  “Lieke, Johan and Helga need me.” I tried to sound convincing, but I couldn’t believe my own excuse. I was expecting him to argue with me. Instead he just gave me a silent, resigned nod and left soon afterwards. No hug, no goodnight kiss.

  “Good Morning!” I said cheerfully.

  “Morning,” Lou replied, looking at me warily.

  “I thought about something,” I told him while he took a seat at the bar.

  “You changed your mind?” he asked, hopeful.