“You don’t know how many times I’ve imagined seeing you down on one knee like this.” Her voice cracked when she said, “I read somewhere about the power of visualization, and I’d tried it. I had nothing else to lose. Every night for the last few months we were together, I’d go to sleep and imagine you proposing to me.” She glanced at the flowers in the silver vase. “I imagined you telling me you loved me, that you didn’t want to live without me. There were flowers in my fantasy, and champagne.” She sniffled. “But in my fantasy, I knew I could trust you. I knew you were a man I could always count on, someone who would always be honest with me, never deceive me or go behind my back and betray me.”
His head fell as her words crashed down on him. “Please, just give me a chance—”
“I gave you a chance. I told you I loved you for months only to have you ignore me. I warmed your bed, cooked your meals, held your hand when you had a bad day…” She slid a finger under his chin and whispered, “I want you to look at me. Even after you destroyed me, I was willing to let you back into my life. That’s how much I loved you. But you can’t ask me to get past this.”
“Don’t do this.” He couldn’t erase what he’d done, but he’d do everything in his power to try. “Don’t quit on us.”
“Do you know how I found out about this?”
He shook his head. It didn’t matter. He wasn’t interested in exacting revenge on the person who’d outed him. It was his burden to bear.
“My mother told me, and she took great pleasure in it. Do you know why?”
“Because she hates me.”
“Maybe, but this made her day because she thought she would finally get exactly what she wanted. She and my father have been trying to manipulate me my whole life. They wanted me to go to law school and join the firm, so they thought if they dangled a big enough carrot, I’d bite. When I didn’t, they thought they could manipulate me by refusing to pay for my education.”
“Please don’t think I’m anything like them,” he said. “I’m not. I’ll always support you. I won’t question your decisions or tell you how to live your life. I just want to be your partner, your lover, your best friend. Please, Sela, let me be those things for you.”
She shook her head. “Did you just say you wouldn’t question my decisions or tell me how to live my life? When you offered me a job, I said no. But you were determined to get what you wanted. You didn’t care what I wanted. That’s not love, Jaxon. That’s control. I’ve lived with it long enough to know.” She shifted her chair so she could stand.
Jaxon didn’t have the will to stand, so he remained crouched, his eyes pleading with her to rethink her decision. “Don’t do this. Please.”
“I didn’t do this,” she said, walking toward the door. “You did. Now you’re the one who has to live with the consequences.”
* * *
Sela was curled up in a fetal position when her sister called a few hours later. It was nearly two a.m., so she lunged for the phone, fearing it might be an emergency. “Kiki, what’s wrong? Is everything all right?”
“I was just about to ask you the same question.”
“You’re on your honeymoon. Why the hell are you calling me?”
“I talked to Mommy Dearest earlier. She told me what she did, honey. I’m so sorry.”
“As much as I’d love to blame her, it’s not her fault. Jaxon did this.” Sela sighed. He wasn’t the only one to blame. If she hadn’t been so quick to let him back in her life, this never would have happened. “I guess you know Sheldon broke up with me the night of your wedding, huh?”
“Yeah, why did I have to hear that from the old lady? You should have called to tell me yourself.”
Sela couldn’t help but smile at her sister’s description of their mother. Andrea would hate that, which made her love it all the more. “I didn’t want to bother you with my problems. You’re supposed to be having the time of your life with your new husband.”
“Hey, that’s what sisters are for. They’re the ones who drop everything when you need a shoulder to cry on, and don’t you forget it!”
Sela thought all of her tears had been spent, but her sister’s words squeezed a few more out of her. “Thank you for saying that, sis. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“You may not feel that way when I ‘fess up.”
Feeling her gut tighten, Sela wondered if she should hang up. After going a round with her mother and Jaxon, she didn’t think she could handle an argument with Kiki. “What did you do?”
“I encouraged Jax to fight for you. When I saw him again, it was obvious he still had feelings for you.” Kiki sighed when her sister remained silent. “I didn’t want to see you make a commitment to a man you didn’t love just because you thought you couldn’t have the man you really wanted.”
“How dare you assume you know what’s best for me!” Sela sat up in bed, wondering where she could go to escape everyone’s constant meddling. “I cared for Sheldon. We were very compatible.”
“Boooooring.”
“I know you may think relationships are all about knock-down, drag-out fights followed by hot sex, but you’re about to get a rude awakening, little sister. They’re not easy. They’re a lot of hard work. They require compromise sometimes. We have to learn to accept other people’s faults even when they’re hard to live with.”
“Then why can’t you accept the fact that Jaxon isn’t perfect? He’s human. He made a mistake. Get over it and tell him you love him already.”
“He lied to me. He manipulated me and tried to control my life. Much like you and Mom and Dad did. I’m beginning to think Sheldon was the only person who gave me credit for having a brain in my head.”
Kiki groaned. “Please don’t tell me you’re thinking about going back to him just because you had it out with Jaxon.”
“I don’t do the rebound thing, Kik.” She thought about how quickly she’d turned to Jaxon when Sheldon broke up with her. But that was different. Jaxon would never be any woman’s rebound guy.
“Whatever you say.”
If Sela didn’t tell someone what Jaxon did, she’d burst. “I’m still pissed at you for sticking your nose where it didn’t belong—”
“You’ll get over it. You have no choice, we’re family.”
Kiki was right. No matter what her kid sister did, Sela would always love her. But did Jaxon deserve a pass as well? “Jaxon proposed to me tonight.”
Kiki squealed so loudly, she’d probably woken the people in the room next door to her. “Shut up! Ohmygod, ohmygod, why didn’t you tell me this as soon as you picked up the phone?” She stopped to take a breath. “Why the hell isn’t Jax with you now? Don’t tell me you were stupid enough to turn him down! You’ve been in love with that guy ever since you laid eyes on him. He’s the one, Sela. Don’t even try to tell me otherwise.”
Sela couldn’t argue with anything her sister said. It was all true, which only made it more difficult. “Sometimes love isn’t enough.”
“Oh God, where’d you hear that line?”
“It’s true,” Sela said, feeling defensive. “If your man had broken your heart, cast you aside, then come back into your life only to lie to you and manipulate you into doing what he wanted, tell me you wouldn’t feel the same way I do.”
“Honestly? I don’t know how I’d feel. I’d like to think I could forgive him,” she said quietly. “But I know that’s asking a lot, maybe too much.”
“Thanks,” Sela said, feeling the hot burn of tears once again. “I needed someone to tell me I wasn’t crazy.”
“You’re not crazy,” Kiki said. “But I don’t want you to think being right is more important than being happy. Jaxon does love you. He proved it by proposing to you. Don’t let what anyone else says or thinks about him impact your decision. Mom and Dad will get used to the idea, and if they don’t, who cares? It’s your life.”
“It’s not Mom and Dad’s opinion of Jaxon I’m worried about. I don’t know if I c
an trust him, especially after this latest stunt. He’s broken my heart twice now. I don’t think I’ll recover if he does it again. I was just starting to believe I could have a life without him. Now…”
“You’re not so sure?”
“That makes me sound weak and pathetic, doesn’t it?”
Kiki laughed. “You, weak and pathetic? You’re the smartest, strongest, bravest woman I know. When Mama and Daddy told you to toe the line or else, you told them where to go. I was so proud of you, I could have jumped up and down.”
Sela smiled. “They had no right to tell me how to live my life. Then or now.”
“You’re right.”
“Jaxon doesn’t either,” Sela said quickly. “He should trust me enough to make the right decisions without feeling like he has to influence the outcome.”
“Right again,” Kiki said. “So tell him that. But don’t just walk away from the best thing that’s ever happened to you. You’re not a coward.”
At the moment, Sela wouldn’t swear to that on a stack of Bibles. If someone handed her a one-way ticket to just about anywhere, she’d gladly take it. “I’ll think about it, Kik. I promise.”
“That’s not all. I want to know what happened with that son of a bitch, Riley.”
“Can we talk about that when you get home?” Sela asked, suddenly exhausted. “Let’s just say I’m fine. Jaxon came to my rescue.”
“Just like he always will. You can’t tell me you don’t know that.”
Sela reached for her phone to scroll through her pictures. She’d saved one she couldn’t bear to erase, a selfie of her and Jaxon at the beach, looking sun-burned and happy. “I know that.”
“Isn’t it enough to know that he’d do anything for you? That whatever stupid mistakes he made was because he loves you so much and couldn’t stand to be apart from you any longer?”
Thinking about it that way made Sela wonder whether she had been too harsh. “I don’t know anything anymore, sis. But I guess I have to figure it out, don’t I?”
“Don’t waste too much time,” Kiki warned. “You and Jaxon have already lost enough time.”
Chapter Thirteen
Jaxon couldn’t explain why he was compelled to visit his mother the morning after Sela rejected him. Maybe it was because he didn’t have anywhere else to go. He couldn’t bring himself to go to work and face his friends’ questions, and he couldn’t stand being at home. So he made the short drive to the nursing home with his windows open and music blaring, trying to pretend everything was normal while inside he was falling apart.
“Nice to see you again, Mr. Davis,” the nurse at the reception desk said with a warm smile. “Your mother is having one of her better days. She’ll be happy to see you.”
Jaxon doubted it, but he couldn’t say that. “Good to hear.”
He wandered down the hall, feeling the oppressive weight of death in the vacant eyes and deteriorating bodies around him. But those people represented lives well lived. They probably had children and grandchildren. They’d likely been married for decades to partners who’d loved and trusted them. Their lives counted for something. What had he accomplished? Sure, he had the status symbols, but he felt as though he had little else to show for his life.
He opened the door to his mother’s room slowly to avoid startling her. “Good morning.”
He spotted her in her favorite rocking chair by the window. They’d set up bird feeders below, and she liked to watch the birds move about their day, mainly because she felt they had a freedom she’d never know again.
She turned toward him, her eyes brighter than they’d been the last time he visited. “Hello.”
He breathed a sigh of relief. She knew who he was today. “How are you?”
“Fine,” she said, nodding. “Just fine.”
That was an unusual response for her. She normally had something to complain about. Whether it was the food, the care she was receiving, or the other residents, something or someone was always making her life miserable.
“That’s good.” He sat down at the foot of the bed, glancing out at the mature trees just beyond the window. It reminded him of something Sela had said about living in the country on a few acres with big trees for a tree swing or a treehouse. She’d said that to him almost two years ago, and he’d brushed her off, telling her he was a city boy and he wouldn’t be caught dead living amongst the livestock. Now he’d live in a cardboard box under a bridge if it made her happy.
“You don’t look so good. Something wrong?” she asked.
“Everything’s wrong.” He hadn’t intended to burden his mother with his problems. She had enough of her own, and they’d never had that kind of relationship. Jaxon had always kept his problems to himself and dealt with them on his own. That was the way it was supposed to be.
“Wanna talk about it?”
He couldn’t believe she’d asked. He considered opening up to her. “You remember Sela?”
She shook her head. Of course she wouldn’t remember Sela. She barely remembered her own name most days. “She a girlfriend of yours?”
“She was.” He thought of their last kiss. One of the things that saddened him most was the thought of never tasting those sweet lips again. “I wanted to make her my wife.”
“Oh.”
He’d expected more of a reaction, but he couldn’t be sure his mother even remembered his lousy track record with women. “I asked her, but she said no.”
“I’m sorry.”
He looked at her, surprised to see genuine regret in her soft blue eyes. The whites of her eyes weren’t white anymore. They were cloudy, murky, yet another outward sign she wasn’t really there. Still, he talked to her as though she was. “Thanks, I am too. I really love her.”
“That’s nice.” She leaned forward when a blue jay landed on a perch. “I love those blue birds. So pretty.”
Jaxon realized she was more interested in the birds than she was in him. But that was the way it had always been. Something or someone had always been more important to her than her son.
“You ever wonder how things got screwed up?” He was just talking, not expecting her to respond or even understand.
“All the time.”
Her response surprised him. Was she voicing remorse over her actions or just ruminating about her own plight? “Really?”
“Sure. Doesn’t everyone?” She smiled when a bird landed on her windowsill.
Jaxon couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen her smile at anyone or anything. It was a welcome sign that maybe the disease that had robbed her of her memory was also taking away her bitterness. “I don’t know.”
He clasped his hands as his eyes fell on the pictures on her nightstand. When she’d first been admitted, the doctors suggested he bring in a few family pictures to trigger happy memories. He’d had to search the old house high and low before he stumbled across a box in the attic. It was like opening a vault with the best memories of his childhood. He’d fallen back on his haunches and cried for the first time since his old man died. He cried for the father who was lost to him, the childhood he’d never had, and the mother he’d never know.
“Pretty pictures,” she said, watching him. “Nice looking family.”
Jaxon didn’t bother to ask whether she remembered who those people were. For all she knew, the picture came with the frame. “Makes me wonder if those smiles were ever real.”
“What did you say?” she asked, frowning. “You’ll have to speak up. The hearing’s not what it used to be.”
“Nothing’s the same as it used to be.” He was in a melancholy mood. He didn’t know why he’d come there, expecting her to make him feel better. She never had before. He got up and kissed her forehead. “I have to go. Enjoy your day.”
“Nice of you to stop by,” she said, turning her attention back to the window. “What did you say your name was again?”
Jaxon turned back to face her slowly, his hand on the doorknob. “I didn’t.”
He couldn’t have said another word if his life depended on it. He’d never get the chance to say all the things he should have said to her. He’d never be able to ask her why she’d resented him or despised his father. He’d never be able to ask whether his memories of fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies after school were just a figment of his imagination. Most importantly, he’d never be able to ask her why she’d had him or if she’d ever loved him.
He was walking toward his car when an old man called out, “Jaxon, over here.” Raising a gnarled hand, the old man beckoned to him. “Come, join me.”
Jaxon thought about waving him off, but he had nowhere else to be, no one else to talk to. “Hi,” he said, claiming the seat next to the old man on the wooden bench.
“You’re Ruthie’s son.”
Jaxon nodded. “Yeah.”
“She’s a fine woman.”
Jaxon frowned, thinking he’d never heard anyone describe his mother that way. Ornery, yes. Stubborn, definitely. He swallowed his guilt when he wondered whether he would be the only one at her funeral when that day came. “Thank you, that’s kind of you to say.”
“She used to talk about you a lot when she first came to stay with us.”
“She did?” Jaxon asked, surprised by the man’s claim. His mother had already been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s when she was admitted to the home. He didn’t think she’d had many lucid days back then.
“She sure did. You own that chain of bars…” He snapped his fingers. “What’s it called again?”
“High Rollers.” Ruth had indeed mentioned him to her fellow residents.
“Yeah, that’s it. She was so proud of her son, the big business mogul.” He chuckled. “Put all the rest of us to shame when we told stories about our kids’ accomplishments.”
Jaxon found it tough to believe his mother had ever bragged about him. She’d never told him she was proud of him. “Really?”
“Don’t sound so surprised,” he said, nudging Jaxon with his elbow. “I’ve seen you with your mother in the common areas, the way you take care of her. You’re so kind to her. Any parent would be proud to call you their son.”
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