Stealing Promises

by Brina Courtney

  Kate lifted her hand up to brush the hair out of Victoria’s face, and she shivered at her touch. She realized she didn’t want to be touched anymore, that luxury had been reserved for Levi.

  Kate began to whisper to her, “You can do this. You have to.”

  8

  That night was the worst. For some reason talking to Kate had made things seem worse. Victoria looked at her clock, 2 AM again. It was the third night in a row she’d woken up at the exact same time with the salty tears rolling down her face. On nights like this all she wanted to do was die. She had thought she should suffer through the pain. But that night she couldn’t do it anymore. Victoria wanted to end her life. She was tired of the crying and sick of the people who told her that she would need to get over it. Kate didn’t even understand. She wanted her to go back to her normal life. But Victoria couldn’t do that, not anymore.

  She slowly pulled the covers off of herself and allowed her feet to find the cold hardwood floor. It took Victoria at least ten minutes just to get the courage to stand up and another fifteen to walk across the floor to her door. When she touched the cold metal it felt like it was glued to her fingertips. Could Victoria make it all the way down the stairs? Could she find a knife? Was she brave enough to make the choice that she was about to make? The answers were simple. Victoria was a coward. She had allowed Levi to sacrifice himself in order for her to live. It was time for Victoria to end it, all of it. The pain and the heartache was just scratching the surface of what was beneath, the darkness. The darkness that threatened to take over her entire being every moment of the day. Victoria took the stairs slowly hoping that the creaking wouldn't disturb her sleeping family. They had helped her move back home to take care of her. She felt bad for a moment thinking about when they would find her body. What her mother would do. When she passed the living room she saw Kate sleeping on the sofa. Clearly she was sticking around to help Victoria. But she wouldn’t need her anymore. She continued to slowly creep into the kitchen where her mother's knives were kept in a block. She took out a small one admiring its beauty glinting in the starlight. It was plenty sharp and Victoria knew that the relief would be immediate. Victoria had considered all the ways to accomplish ending her life before, but just a simple cut would do. She dragged the blade slowly across the inside of her wrist watching the red substance leak out of her skin. It didn't feel like her blood, but nothing felt like anything normal anymore. She used the knife once more and made a second line beneath the first closer to her elbow this time. Her skin was as easy to cut as butter and it surprised her. Victoria held the knife in her hand and slowly lowered herself against the white counters. She slid down the cupboards onto the hardwood floor which was now spattered with blood. Victoria sat there for a moment and closed her eyes thinking of Levi and how she would be with him soon. As Victoria pulled the knife up to her neck she said, “I'm sorry.” Just as Victoria was about to make the final cut a hand swooped in and grabbed the knife from her. She was shocked at the sudden revelation that someone else was in the room with her and she looked up to see Kate standing angrily over her.

  “What the hell do you think you're doing? I’m not here for you to go ahead and kill yourself! Are you serious?” Kate put the knife on the counter and folded her arms.

  Victoria's mind felt like she was swimming underwater and she could hardly catch her breath. She looked down and realized the two gashes in her arm were much deeper than she had initially expected. Victoria attempted to get word out to Kate to let her know how angry she was with her that she stopped her from making the one choice that she was allowed to make for herself. But somehow the words didn't seem to come. Victoria could tell the Kate was still yelling at her but now was shaking her and holding Victoria’s arm above her head. She couldn't understand why Kate would do that as her head lolled to the left side and she watched the blood drip down her arm and onto the floor before the darkness finally won its battle.

  ###

  The smell reached her nose before she even opened her eyes, and Victoria knew where she was. Back in the hospital, the hellhole. It had the distinct smell of cleaning supplies and death. Victoria couldn’t understand why she was back here when she had finally made the decision to take care of the pain herself. Why had Kate woken up when she did? Did she expect something like this to happen? Slowly Victoria tried to move her limbs and felt the scratchy sheets beneath her skin. She looked over at the multiple stitches crisscrossing back and forth over her pale skin. This was her life. This was what Victoria had done to herself. Her arm would never be the same again. But would anything else? She wasn't sure.

  She turned her head slowly to the side and saw Kate sitting in chair reading a book, slowly turning the pages with her delicate fingers. She peered over the spine a few times but instead of greeting Victoria she continued to read her book and completely ignore her presence.

  “Kate?” Victoria croaked out. It felt like she hadn’t had anything to drink in months. At first she couldn’t tell if she even heard her because she didn’t respond, just continued to slowly page through the book. “Kate?” Victoria said louder this time, it scratched her throat even more.

  Kate slowly lowered her book, her blue eyes peering over the edge. “You’re awake.”

  Victoria nodded mostly because she had nothing better to say.

  “Since you’re awake, by definition that means you are also alive. And lucky.”

  Lucky and alive didn’t really seem like they went together anymore, but Victoria didn’t have the energy to argue with her.

  “How long have I been out?”

  She closed her book and put it on the side table. “Two days. You have to go through a psych- evaluation before they let you go home. To be honest, I’m not sure that you’re going to pass. Why didn’t you tell me you were having suicidal thoughts? Victoria, you know I would’ve listened.”

  She turned away from her judging eyes and shrugged.

  “Victoria! Look at me. I’m not doing this just for my own benefit you know.”

  “I know. And if you really want to know I’ve thought about dying ever since Levi left! It makes sense to me.”

  She crossed the room as she said, “It never makes sense. There is always another way. I can help you find it.” She took Victoria’s mangled arm in between her own hands and held it tight. Victoria looked down at Kate’s arm, beautiful and flawless, making her even angrier. She just didn’t understand what it was like to be Victoria. She could try, but would never truly understand what Victoria was going through.

  Victoria shook her off, “How much longer do I have to stay here?”

  Kate stepped back slowly, “Now that you’re lucid the psychologist can come in whenever you’re ready.”

  “Fine. I’m ready.” Victoria spat out.

  She nodded and left the room silently. A few minutes later an older man in a gray sweater entered the room.

  “You must be Victoria, Victoria Blane?”

  She nodded, “Yes. That’s me.”

  “Excellent. Victoria can you verify your date of birth for me?”

  Suddenly Victoria was missing Kate and her warm nature. Victoria confirmed the information and the man pulled up a chair next to her bed. “Let’s talk about what happened on Tuesday night. What do you remember?”

  He began scribbling in an empty notebook that he balanced across his lap. He had a foot rested on the opposing knee. He looked impatient and uncaring and barely made eye contact. But Victoria would say whatever she needed to get her out of this place; another hospital stay was not something Victoria was willing to endure. “My boyfriend died a week ago. I had enough of the pain. I just wanted it to end.” She looked away worried that the expression of pain on her face would cause her imprisonment to last longer than necessary.

  He sighed heavily, “And so you decided to take your own life?”

  The way he said it was so distinct and clear. Victoria had just thought about letting the pain fall away, she hadn’t ever thought o
f it as losing her life. Victoria had already lost that.

  “I wanted the pain to stop.”

  He scribbled something in his notebook and then murmured under his breath, “Ten stitches must be pretty painful.”

  “I’m sorry?”

  He smiled in a fake way; Victoria was really starting to hate this guy. “Oh nothing, I was just noticing the two cuts you made. You did a number on yourself. Hit a couple really good veins, you would’ve bled out if your grief counselor hadn’t saved you.”

  “It wasn’t her job to save me.”

  “Then whose job was it Victoria? Are you going to save yourself?”

  Save herself. Could she do that? She stopped speaking while she contemplated this. Eventually the man got up and left. She couldn’t even remember if he had told her his name.

  She laid quietly in the white hospital bed allowing scratchy sheets to touch her skin for a long time before Kate came back in. “I don’t have very good news. Why wouldn’t you talk to him?”

  Victoria’s silent response was enough for her to understand. Something he had said made her think--saving herself. It had never crossed her mind before. Levi had always been there, rescuing her. Victoria didn’t think she even had the skills to manage her own rescue. She had never learned how.

  “You’re on lockdown for the night. No visitors. Sorry Victoria but until you crawl out of this you’re going be stuck in here.” Kate patted her hand tenderly and turned to leave. When she flipped the light switch Victoria was once again plunged into darkness. For some reason this time it didn’t feel like it was going to overtake her. She sat up slowly and looked around taking in her surroundings for the first time. There is nothing on the walls, not even a television. Must be a different ward then the one she was in the night of Levi’s death. Here she was a prisoner, controlled by sadness and anger. This wasn’t how Levi would’ve wanted it. And Victoria wouldn’t live like this.

  She spent twenty four hours on lockdown before a different psychologist gave her another evaluation and said she was clear to go. Her parents brought her back to their home once again. It was clear to everyone she wasn’t prepared to go back to school. She tossed and turned in her childhood bed attempting to block out the previous three days.

  The next morning, Kate woke her up bright and early to talk, and to get her dressed for the first time in days.

  “Morning, Victoria. Today I'm going to take you somewhere. You’re going to have to get out of your bed on your own.” Victoria refused to move. Kate had saved her but she needed a moment before telling Kate how she could save herself. Maybe not in such a valiant way, not that calling 911 and screaming for help was heroic, but it had worked. It had saved her life. Kate had done that. While she tried to find the words, Kate deployed the get out of bed tactic. She opened the window and ripped all the covers off of Victoria's bed. Victoria put a pillow over her face to block out the sun.

  “I'm not going away, Victoria, you need to get up.” She began to pull on her foot. Victoria could tell that if she would have to yank her out of this bed, she would do it.

  Victoria shook her off and pulled her head out from underneath the pillow, glaring at Kate. “You’re really annoying, do you know that?”

  Kate smiled. “I think it's one of my better qualities.”

  Victoria continued to glare at her. “Whatever. I'm not going anywhere with you. Should I remind you that the last time you took me somewhere it was to the fucking hospital?” She shook her head and turned back over.

  Kate waited a few more minutes before responding. Victoria felt her sit on the edge of the bed. “We're going to the beach, Victoria. Get some good salt air in those lungs. I think it would be good for you.” When Victoria still didn't respond she added, “I know he took you there a lot.”

  Victoria peered out from underneath the pillow. “I don't think I can go there anymore.”

  Kate had a simple answer for that. “Then don't think, just do. It's my first mantra. Things to live your life by. Victoria, your life has changed dramatically in this past week. You need to start to prepare the rest of your life for the person that you are now. So today's mantra: don't think, just do. Now let's get you out of bed.” She had said it in such a confident way that Victoria had no choice but to concede. She got up and headed for her bathroom to take a shower, she had gotten more used to the warm water and found it comforting. It took her a long time to get ready, she had a lot of trouble picking clothes out. She eventually went to her dad's room and grabbed a pair of his running shorts and a T-shirt. Her parents invited her to lunch when she walked downstairs, but she refused.

  “Kate is taking me to the beach.” It was a statement, the first she had made to her parents in days, and she could tell they were astounded at the fact that she could even speak. She watched her mother’s eyes well up with tears. She knew that her speaking to them was a step in the right direction. Her parents were so concerned with her well-being that they look disheveled. It was clear they weren’t sleeping.

  Her mom nodded. “Of course, honey, have a good time at the beach. Put your feet in the ocean for me.”

  Victoria simply looked on and made her way to the front door. She walked outside into a beautiful May afternoon, usually one of her favorite times of year. She looked around her while she stood on her front porch, trying to make the decision of whether or not she could go out in the world.

  Kate and Victoria stood at the top stoop for over fifteen minutes before Victoria took the first step. One step, then two, then Victoria's knees gave out from underneath her. She clutched the railing for dear life, hoping that on her first outing into the world she wouldn’t completely fall apart. But Kate was there to help pull her back up with a smile on her face.

  “Easy there. Go slow, it's okay. Your body just may not be used to moving this much.”

  That statement seemed crazy to Victoria. She could remember being an excellent runner and cheerleader in her high school days. Just a couple weeks ago she was hiking with Levi through the wilderness, when did her body give up on her?

  She sat down on the bottom step clinging to the supports of the railing. “Levi and I were getting a place together.”

  Kate sat down gingerly next to her wrapping her arms around her knees. “How does that make you feel?”

  “Like giving up. Like my body has. I can’t live there. I don’t even want to see it. But it bothers me that I never will. I just want to know why this happened to me!” She rested her head on the hard wood exasperated.

  Kate reached out and stroked Victoria’s light blonde hair. “Some things aren’t meant to be known and that’s okay. You can’t predict the future, and you shouldn’t try. Because you won’t live for now. And that’s what’s most important, the now.”

  Tears began to fall from Victoria’s cheeks. “Why him though? Why couldn’t it have been someone who didn’t matter?”

  Kate sighed. “Everyone matters to someone Victoria, it’s one of the beautiful things about life.”

  “I want answers Kate.”

  “Some day you’ll get them. When it’s the right time.”

  Victoria sat in the sun for a moment before Kate said, “C’mon let’s try again.”

  She sighed, “All right.” She stood up slowly but made her way to the car on her own. It felt like she had run a marathon by the time she sat down in the car.

  She turned to Kate and said, “Have we heard from Claire at all?”

  Kate smiled brightly, “Yes, she's called a few times for you. She would like to come visit.”

  Victoria decided if she was already out, today was as good as any to see her. “Maybe she can meet us at the beach?”

  Kate passed her a pink cell phone. “I saved her number in there for you. Feel free to make the call.”

  Victoria found the number and called Claire. She was relieved to hear her voice sound normal and for Claire to not ask her how she was. She appreciated her ignoring her difficult situation. “Sure I’ll meet you at the
beach, I can get there in less than ten minutes.”

  “You’re home? Not at school?”

  “I came home yesterday, I was hoping to see you.”

  Victoria nodded. “Thanks.”

  When they pulled up to parking lot at the beach Victoria wasn’t sure what she was going to do when she saw Claire for the first time. But her emotions took over when she opened the door and saw her. She began to cry as she ran towards Claire and embraced her tightly.

  Her words came pouring out as her feelings played across her face.

  “He's gone Claire. I was there! I was there and I didn't do anything!”

  Claire smoothed the back of Victoria's hair in order to console her friend. “There was nothing you could do, Victoria, everyone knows that. You know that, right?”

  But Victoria wasn't so sure. Recently her guilt had taken over. Since her stay in the hospital Kate called it “survivor's guilt.” She shouldn’t have lived while Levi didn’t.

  Claire released Victoria for a moment and said, “Tor, there's something you need to see.” She pulled out her phone.

  “I don't think I want to see that, Claire,” she said through her tears.

  “Tor you have to see this. It'll help you understand.” Claire began to show her the pictures on her cell phone of Levi's house. She attempted to turn away and walk back towards the car, but Claire continued to throw the phone in front of her face until she really looked.

  “Do you see what’s in the picture? It's not just his house, look what's in front of it.”

  Victoria took the phone and stared at the tiny screen. She used her fingers to zoom in. In the picture there were thousands of candles in front of Levi's doorstep. Signs and flowers littered the yard with inspirational messages.

  “We miss you Levi.”

  “Love always.”

  “See you later.”