“Very well. Until tomorrow.” He bent his head to kiss her, but she turned her head, and his lips landed on her cheek. The touch of his lips didn’t stir her as Clay’s did, but she would have to learn to deal with that.
When Robert left her at her door, she couldn’t bring herself to go inside the cabin. She knew she would walk in on a scene of utter bedlam, so as soon as Robert’s back disappeared from view, she cut through the yard and around the back of the cabin. A creek angled through the property, and she had always wanted to take time to follow it for a ways. She knew Bridie would keep Franny entertained, and she just needed a few minutes to herself.
The cold air whipped through her wrap. Winter came early to the mountains, and she wasn’t looking forward to it. The thought of hanging clothes to dry in the frigid air was not appealing. The other laundresses didn’t associate with her, or she would have asked one of them how they managed. She smiled wryly. She no longer fit in with any group. The officers’ wives felt they were too good for her, and the other women thought she was above them.
The trail beside the creek suddenly petered out, and she sat on a flat rock overlooking the gurgling brook. Alone with her thoughts, Clay’s words in his sermon came back to her mind. That Scripture he’d read about the seven things God hated had described her perfectly. She had done every single one of the those things, even the shedding of blood. Although she hadn’t actually killed anyone, she had tried to arrange Sarah Campbell’s elimination. Clay had explained how such a person might be forgiven, but she didn’t think it was really possible. Not for someone as uncaring about other people as she’d been.
Tears filled her eyes, and she stooped and picked up a flat stone and tossed it across the water. It skipped three times before sinking beneath the water. That was just how she felt sometimes: No matter how hard she tried to keep her head above water, she always ended up sinking.
She swallowed the lump in her throat. Robert’s offer seemed like an answer to her, but it was really more of her own manipulation of events. What was it Clay said? Oh, yes, something about a heart devising wicked imaginations. That’s what she’d done all her life—schemed and planned to get her own way.
Suddenly the thought of leaving that kind of life behind and becoming someone with character on the inside was overwhelmingly appealing. Fear clamped her chest, and she felt like she couldn’t breathe. It was a terrifying moment just imagining what it would be like to turn loose the reins of her life and trust an unseen God for her future. She didn’t know if she could do that. She wasn’t very good at trust.
Trembling, she sank to her knees. “Oh God, I’m tired of running, tired of messing up my life. I know I’ve done a lot of things You hate, but I’m going to try to change. Maybe then I’ll be good enough for You to think about forgiving me. I want to be more like Ellen was.” She could change, she decided. Once she was a better person, maybe God would forgive her.
She started back toward the cabin. A few flakes of snow drifted down, and the wind was stronger than before. Before she’d gone ten feet, the snow was swirling down heavily. Unfamiliar with the path, she found herself stumbling over rocks and branches. Minutes later, she wasn’t sure where she was.
Was this a blizzard? It was only October. Panicked, she began to run but tripped over an uprooted tree. Which way was home? She stopped running and shouted, “Help!” The snow muffled her voice, and her panic rose. What if no one could hear her? The wind penetrated her wrap, and she shivered, realizing that the temperature had plummeted in the last fifteen minutes. Already the snow covered the tops of her boots. She’d never seen snow come down so fast and thick.
She was near tears when she saw the dark outline of a building ahead. Eagerly, she hurried toward it. It wasn’t until she was nearly at the door that she recognized her own cabin. She let herself in the back door, and found Uncle Samuel pacing the floor, her mother in tears, and Miriam sullenly in the corner.
“It’s about time you got back,” her uncle barked. Worry creased his forehead.
“What’s happened?” Her voice rose in alarm. She glanced around the room. “Where’s Franny?” A ball of foreboding curled in the pit of her stomach.
“Bridie took Franny for a walk, and they aren’t back yet.”
She put a hand to her throat. “I have to find Clay.” She knew he would want to be out there looking.
“Caleb went to get him.” Her uncle went to the door and threw it open. “I can’t even see across the parade ground! I don’t know how we’ll find them.”
Dread rose in her throat again, but she forced it down. “Clay will find some soldiers to help look for them. I’m going, too.” She took her heavy coat from a nail on the wall and pulled it on. It was made of beaver and fairly warm, but the matching muff wasn’t practical for the search. She wound a scarf around her throat and followed Uncle Samuel out into the driving snow. What did Franny have on? Surely it was only her thin wrap.
In the stifling white again, she was immediately disoriented. All she could do was follow her uncle’s burly form through the drifts. The snow was already nearly knee-deep in places, and it was hard plodding through it. They stopped outside the corral, and Uncle Samuel shouted for his horse to be brought.
“You can’t accomplish anything here,” he told her. “Go back with your mother. We’ll find them.”
She knew he was right. If she insisted on mounting a horse and following him, they would soon be searching for her as well as Bridie and Franny. She didn’t know her way around the countryside well enough to be of any use in this white wilderness. She wasn’t even sure she could make it back to the cabin without help. But how could she go back to the warmth and safety of the cabin with Franny out here somewhere?
Uncle Samuel swung up onto his gelding and both man and horse disappeared from view almost instantly. She turned and began to follow her tracks back to the cabin. New snow had already nearly filled them, so she hurried as fast as she dared. By the time she reached her cabin door, the tracks were nearly impossible to see.
She stumbled in the door and nearly fell into her mother’s arms. The blazing fire was a welcome sight. Her mother helped her out of her coat and settled her near the fire.
“I’ll get you a cup of tea, dear.” She put the kettle on the stove to heat and sat beside Jessica.
“I should never have let them go,” her mother fretted. “I’m so sorry, darling.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” Jessica said. “None of us realized this storm was blowing up. I almost didn’t make it back from my walk.” It did no good to blame them. It was entirely her fault, she realized. “I’m the one responsible for Franny,” she told her mother. “I should have been here.”
Her mother looked up in astonishment at her words. The surprise on her face would have been comical if they weren’t all so frightened.
The teakettle began to whistle, and her mother jumped to fetch it, but Jessica restrained her. “I’ll get it, Mama. You’ve waited on everyone today. Sit here and rest.” She got to her feet and took the teakettle from the stove. I have to be a better person, she told herself. Maybe then God would save Franny.
When she handed her mother a cup of tea, she could see her mother didn’t know what to think of her actions. Had she really been that thoughtless and domineering that her mother would show such astonishment over a simple cup of tea? The thought was disquieting. Did anyone ever really know how others perceived them?
She took a cup across the room to Miriam. “Why don’t you join us by the fire?” she asked.
Her eyes narrowed in suspicion, Miriam took the proffered cup of tea. After studying Jessica’s face a moment, she grudgingly took her stool and moved it beside her aunt.
“Are you feeling all right, dear?” her mother asked.
“Just worried,” Jessica said.
“You should be worried all the time then,” Miriam said snidely. “You’d be easier to live with.”
Jessica was silent for a moment. “I know I�
��ve been difficult, but I’ve grown up some in the past few months. I hope you’ll both give me another chance.” It was as close as she could come to an apology right now.
“Of course,” her mother said faintly.
Miriam scowled but said nothing. Her face showed her skepticism.
Jessica put her cup on the hearth and went to the door. Opening it, she peered through the snow again, but the heavy snow continued to block any view of even the officers’ row across the parade ground. She was trying to cling desperately to the hope that God wouldn’t allow anything to happen to Franny. Or Bridie. She’d barely spared a thought for her younger cousin, she realized. Bridie must be terrified, especially knowing she was responsible for Franny as well. If the men didn’t find them soon, they would freeze.
ten
Plodding through the snow, Clay swayed from weariness. He couldn’t feel his fingers any longer, and he longed for a warm fire and dry clothes. But Franny was still out there somewhere. Even with the snow muffling everything, he would have heard a shot announcing the girls had been found. He’d prayed and begged with all his strength for God to spare both girls, but he was beginning to lose hope. He didn’t see any way they could have survived this blizzard. It would take a miracle for him to ever feel Franny’s arms around his neck.
He should never have allowed Jessica to keep her. She’d been out gallivanting with Robert instead of taking care of her responsibilities. When would he learn never to trust a beautiful woman? He had thought she was beginning to change, but it was just wishful thinking.
Drifts of snow came nearly to his horse’s belly in spots, and Misty had trouble breaking her way through. He knew she was exhausted, too. She was used to carrying him long hours, but this kind of weather was hard on man and beast both. The trouble was that with the heavy snowfall, the girls’ bodies would be buried beneath the drifts, and they wouldn’t find them until spring. He pushed the thought away. He would look until there was no longer any hope.
He stopped near an outcropping of rock and slid to the ground. The snow came up to his knees, and he staggered toward the shelter of the rock face. Misty followed, her head down to avoid the wind. Just around a straggly pine, he saw a small cave in the rock face. Was it possible they could have found shelter there? Hope rising in his chest, he knelt, brushed the snow from the entrance, and peered inside.
His heartbeat slowed when he saw the empty spot. Discouraged, he mounted Misty and turned her head toward the fort. The snowfall grew steadily lighter, and he could actually see the stockade ahead. He would let Misty get some rest and borrow someone else’s horse for the morning.
When he dismounted, he found Samuel preparing to go out again himself. “Any sign at all?” he asked the older man.
Samuel shook his head. “Not a trace.”
Neither man looked the other in the eye. Clay knew his hopelessness would show on his face. The girls had spent the entire night out in this blizzard, and he didn’t see anyway they could have survived. Even if they had found a cave to huddle in, the mercury had fallen below zero. They surely would have frozen to death by now.
The snow had completely stopped, though. Clay asked for a fresh horse and swung into the saddle, then turned the horse’s head toward the gate. Before he got more than a couple of steps, Jessica called to him.
She looked much different than she had a mere twenty-four hours ago. Her tangled hair had obviously not been combed, and her tearstained face was white. She put her hand on the horse’s bridle.
“You have to find them, Clay.” A sob caught in her throat.
He stared down at her. “Your concern is a little late, Jessica. Where were you when she wandered off into the snow? It’s a little like Ellen’s death, isn’t it? You’re always too busy thinking of yourself to worry about other people.”
She was crying in earnest now. “I deserve everything you say to me, Clay. But please, you must keep searching. I just know she’s still alive.” She put a hand against her breast. “I can feel it here, in my mother’s heart. You can’t give up.”
“Oh, I’m not giving up on Franny. But I’m giving up on you. God will have to reach you in His own time. I can’t handle anymore.” He wheeled his horse around and took off as quickly as the drifts would allow. He only caught a glimpse of her stricken face before she turned and went back the way she’d come.
§
Sobs racked Jessica’s body, and she struggled not to fall in the drifts along the parade ground. She couldn’t blame Clay for giving up on her. She had been willful and headstrong, without a care in her head for what anyone else wanted. She should have been home caring for Franny instead of leaving it to Bridie to do. And his reference to Ellen hurt badly, because she knew it was true. If she hadn’t fallen asleep, she could have kept Ellen from choking on her own vomit.
How could You let her die, God? It was my fault, not Ellen’s. She wanted to raise her fists in the air and scream. Staggering from both the weight of her guilt and the thick snow, she fell facedown in a huge drift. “God, why?” she screamed. The wind caught her words and flung them away like so much chaff. “Take me instead! You always take the ones I love. What about me, God? Take me and spare my Franny.”
The cold wet from the snow seeped through her clothing, but she welcomed the discomfort. She wanted to die, to just lie there and let the icy grip of the snow take her away from the pain here. She had never felt such despair, not even when she had lost Jasper and their mother.
“God, help me,” she moaned. “I can’t take anymore. I want to believe in something better than this life, in Someone who loves me no matter what I do. Why is it so hard?” She sobbed aloud again and burrowed deeper into the snowdrift. “Forgive me, Lord, forgive me.”
Memories of the things she’d done and the people she’d hurt paraded through her memory like accusing judges. Belinda Cramer who had snubbed her at a party, and Jessica had found revenge by stealing her fiancé; Richard Drewy who had the misfortune to catch her eye at eighteen; the parade went on and on, culminating in her behavior at Fort Laramie with Sarah Montgomery and again at Fort Phil Kearney with Emmie Croftner. How could even a loving God forgive such terrible behavior? What were those sins again? Oh, yes, a proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked imaginations, feet that run to mischief, a false witness that speaks lies, and sowing discord. She’d done them all and more.
“Can you forgive me, God? Will you forgive me and accept me as Your child? I know I’m not worthy, but Clay said Jesus took my punishment. I have nowhere else to turn, Lord. No one but You.”
A quiet peace stole into her heart.
I am here, beloved. I have always been here, waiting for you to turn and acknowledge Me.
She felt the sense of God’s presence with a sense of wonder. Everything Clay had said was true! She pushed her hands into the snowdrift and levered her way out of the clinging snow enough to sit up. Managing to get her feet under her, she made it to her feet and brushed the wet, caked snow from her coat. She took a deep breath.
She had some terrible things to face in the next few days, but she could sense the bedrock of God under her feet, holding her up. She would have to live with her guilt for not caring for Franny properly, but since God had forgiven her, maybe someday she could forgive herself, despite her grief. Clay was right about everything. She had killed Ellen and now Franny, but wonder of wonders, God loved her anyway. Gratitude, a totally unfamiliar emotion, welled up in her heart.
§
Clay knew he’d been out of line with Jessica, but he hadn’t been able to hold his temper in check. It was his own fault for allowing her to get under his skin. But no more. He had only been telling her the truth when he said he was giving up on her. He was going to dig out and destroy the root of love that kept springing up in his heart. He didn’t want to love a woman like her; moreover, he would not love her. And when he pulled little Franny’s body out of the snowdrift she was lying in, it shouldn�
�t be too hard to muster up dislike for the one responsible.
Plodding through the heavy snow, he found no sign of the missing girls. Growing more and more discouraged, by lunchtime he decided to check in at the fort. The crack of a rifle pierced the cold air, and he craned his head in the direction of the blast. Was it a signal? He rode in the direction of the shot and found three soldiers milling around a rock face about a quarter of a mile from the fort.
One of them waved to him. “Over here, Preacher! We found them!”
Lord, help me to get through this. He braced himself to see Franny’s lifeless little body, forcing himself to go forward. He reined in his horse about five feet from the men and slid to the ground, then fought his way through the drifts. The snow was piled high in this section because of the way the rock formation angled. One of the soldiers moved, and he saw Franny’s blond head. She was standing!
Clay ran the remaining few steps and scooped her up into his arms. Tears came to his eyes, and he let them fall unashamedly. Her face was white and pinched with the cold, but she seemed unhurt. How had she survived? He looked at Bridie. Her skirt hem was wet and dirty, and her hair hung on her shoulders in matted tangles, but they were both all right. He put an arm around her and hugged her, too.
She burst into tears. “I was so scared, Clay,” she sobbed. “The storm came up so fast and then I couldn’t see anything. I didn’t know what to do.”
“Whatever you did, it was the right thing. You kept Franny and yourself alive.”
“We found a cave, but it was just so cold. We huddled together at the back of the cave, but I started feeling really strange and sleepy and not cold anymore. Then Buster showed up.” She pointed at the golden retriever a few feet away. Buster belonged to the post commander and everyone loved him. “Me and Franny curled up with him. He saved our lives, I know.”
The Heart Answers (Wyoming Series Book 3) Page 12