by Lee Wardlow
“I want to be a good man Skylar. A good father.” There was so much more at stake now. My son.
She looked up at me. I wanted her to say something. “I know you do.”
“Get rid of that,” I told her. “I’ll make an appointment tomorrow to see a drug counselor.”
“Are you doing it for you, Ronan?” She asked.
I inhaled. I was doing it for her first and foremost. I screwed things up by getting us into this mess. Then I was doing it for our son. Then me. “Does it matter why I’m doing it? I’m determined to be damn sure that I don’t screw up again.”
She laid her hand on my arm and smiled at me. “That’s good enough.”
**
I walked Skylar to the car after everyone left. “Where are you going? I seem to remember your Dad saying that you had been at Ciaran and Ryan’s.”
She nodded. Her mom had been applying pressure to tell her who the father of her baby was so she escaped by going to her sister’s house. They were pressuring her to tell me about the baby. There were tears in her eyes when she finished explaining. I pulled her to me and hugged her. I caused a shitload of trouble for this girl. “You can stay here with me if you want? There are two bedrooms,” I told her, my tone was husky. I felt terrible that I hurt her.
“I’ll think about it,” she replied. “Tonight, I’m going back to Ciaran and Ryan’s. I don’t want to talk to anyone. Now that you know they won’t force me into conversations I’m not ready for.”
I kissed her forehead and then opened the door without releasing her. “Will you text me and let me know you’re there safely?”
“I will.” She hesitated getting into the car. “Will you be all right?”
I nodded. Then she handed me one of the pictures of Luke. My actual first name, and my great-grandfather’s name. I liked it. “We’ll talk tomorrow,” I said.
She nodded. I watched her pull out of the drive then I went inside and shut the door locking it behind me. I went to the kitchen and found no food. That was going to be a problem. Grocery store tomorrow. I grabbed some water and downed a glass. The baby’s ultrasound picture staring me in the face. I kicked off my shoes and went out to the back patio in my shorts and t-shirt with my phone, a glass of water and the ultrasound picture.
All I could do was stare at this picture and think. I wanted to remember how it happened. I had Skylar’s version. I wanted to talk to one of the guys so I called Stokes. Him and Mickey were the two guys I was closest to. I hadn’t talked to him since sticking that needle in my arm. As far as I knew he didn’t know if I was dead or alive.
“My man, glad you called.”
“Stokes,” I said.
Stokes was a business major. He had his master’s degree now too and was working for a major firm downtown as manager of their international purchasing department. He was pulling down big bucks. Close to six figures. Someday he would make his mark if the drugs didn’t kill him like they almost killed me.
He came from a family in Northern Kentucky. Mother stayed home and father was a licensed pilot for a major airline. Dad’s company had a lot of cutbacks in recent years so he pushed his son Tom Stokes Junior to get a degree both his bachelor’s degree and his master’s degree. He was proud of his son’s accomplishments.
“How are you man?”
“Alive. Thank you for dropping my ass on the concrete in front of the ER. Would have been nicer if you had taken me inside.”
He laughed. “You know man,” he said. His deep voice rough and raw. “We were scared.”
“I bet. Imagine how my parents felt when they got to the hospital.”
“I’m sorry,” Stokes replied. “I’m glad you are all right though.” The jackass actually sounded sincere.
“Stop the shit Stokes.” He was quiet. “You know what I’m talking about. Stop it all. Pills, weed, coke.”
“I hear you. Mickey is going to meetings. Your near death experience scared the shit out of him.”
Mickey Dabo was more like me. Family was middle class. Lots of brothers and sisters. Mom and Dad had been together for a really long time. I could see him being scared straight. Stokes? He was going to be harder to convince. “Stokes, do you remember about five months ago we were at Hot Shot?”
“Any particular night you are talking about?”
I ran my hands through my hair and stared at my son’s image on the ultrasound picture. “Yeah, during spring break. A beautiful little blonde from my home town came up to me at Hot Shot to say hello. I introduced you all to her.”
“Cute little number. Short. Long, blonde hair. Nice piece of ass.” I cringed at his crudeness. I never said he was sensitive.
“Yeah that would be her. She’s now the mother of my son coming in a few months.”
“Oh man,” he laughed. I didn’t think it was funny.
“She’s twenty-one Stokes. A kid, I’ve known her whole life. She took me home and I don’t remember anything else.”
“I told you she was there,” he said. “I don’t really remember much of anything beyond that. I’m sure you didn’t give her anything she didn’t want.”
“Dammit Stokes, I don’t remember anything after we left. I barely remember her being at the bar and I didn’t remember that until you reminded me. What the fuck did you give me at the bar?”
He was quiet. “Some shit I got on the street. A synthetic man-made pill to make you feel a high that will last a while. Not supposed to be addicting. You took two. The other guys and I only took one. That may be why you don’t remember the rest of the night. You took the second one right before she walked up to you. You said you weren’t feeling it.”
“Jesus Christ.” Then I heard her say my name. I turned and looked at her standing at the edge of the deck.
“I don’t want to go anywhere. Can I stay here?” She asked. I nodded at her.
“Stokes, I have to get off here now. Skylar needs me.”
I didn’t wait for him to say goodbye. I hung up the phone. She stepped up onto the deck. “That was your friend, Stokes.” She knew immediately who he was. I nodded. “You called him?” How did she know? “Why?” She asked before I could respond. I reached out to her and she took my hand.
“Because I needed to know what happened that night that led me to taking you to my bed. I just want to understand.”
She walked closer to me and I laid my head against her stomach. I cupped her belly in my hands. We created this child, something very precious to both of us and I didn’t remember it.
“What did he tell you?”
I swallowed. “That for a while, I’ve been losing control Sky. If you want to walk away now is a good time. I’ll go to the drug counselor. I’ll work hard to stay clean but I’ll be honest with you I’ve been fighting with myself to not smoke that weed that was hidden in my socks. If I had I probably would have eventually gone back to Stokes and Mickey and hit the coke again.”
She ran her hands through my hair. Then she slipped into my lap surprising me. I held her close in an embrace that was meant to make her feel safe in my arms but actually made me feel better. “Even after you found out about Luke?”
“I don’t know Sky. I feel like I don’t know myself anymore. I took two pills that night that Stokes gave me. He said everyone else only took one. Some new stuff. He didn’t even know what it was. I’m surprised I hadn’t OD before the heroin trusting Stokes to give me shit.” I laid my head on her shoulder. “I just don’t know. I think I need to be sure I’m clean before you stay here.”
“I think you need to let me make my decisions. I’ve gone to every doctor’s appointment alone. I had the ultrasound alone.” Her voice cracked. “I need you now Ronan. Gramps told me I should be able to count on you.”
I squeezed her tighter. I could feel Luke squirming against my arm. I helped create this mess. I didn’t know what to think anymore but she needed me and I wouldn’t let her down. “You want to move in here? That’s fine. We’ll figure things out as we go.”
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br /> Chapter 9
We became creatures of habit. I worked with Coach every day from seven am till one pm. Then I went to the farm and helped Fionn. Usually, I found Skylar there with Aine. My parents avoided me which meant that Sky and I avoided Sunday dinner with the family. I always had their love and support so this new experience was not something that I was dealing well with at least I still had my brothers, Gramps and Skylar’s family.
I saw the drug counselor once a week. Eventually she wanted me to join a group where I could go to meetings as often as I needed. I wasn’t ready for a love fest, self-awareness, twelve step program to stay clean. I had taken huge steps with the counselor admitting I had a drug problem. I had been spiraling out of control and didn’t even realize it. She didn’t think it was enough. We agreed to different opinions on this topic.
Fionn and I were working in the fields looking after a calf one day when I saw Skylar and Aine driving down the lane towards the farm. Skylar had been to an appointment with Aine who was now three days past due and not happy about it. We had crops that we put out for money. Cattle that we butchered for our own beef. A very small herd. Horses that we used to ride around the farm. We learned young about the land, about the equipment and what it took to maintain it. The animals Fionn got more than any of us. He slapped the calf gently on the rear.
“I think it’s fine,” he said about the calf. “Let’s go see what the doctor said about Aine.”
We were walking towards the house. I kept looking back at the calf. “How do you know?”
“What do you mean?” I looked up at my brother who was four inches taller than me.
“How do you know?”
“I don’t know, I just do.” Fionn shrugged his shoulders. “I’ll watch him for a day or two. If he’s still not eating, then I’ll call the vet but his belly feels fine and he’s not lying around. His eyes look clear. He’s not losing weight either. I just know.” I chuckled at my brother’s self-confidence.
“You should have gone to veterinary school Fionn. You are really good with the animals.”
“I’m good with our animals.” We kept walking towards the girls who were waiting by the porch. We were pretty deep in the fields. “How are things with you and Sky?”
“Comfortable.” Fionn looked at me. I knew what he was thinking. I didn’t know what we were doing. We existed. I touched her a lot. Her belly mainly. Trying to make sense of what happened. “I called Stokes after her graduation party.” He knew the name but had never met my friend in person. I saw his eyebrows rose in question.
“Is he one of the guys that dropped you in front of the ER?” He asked.
I chuckled at my brother. To Fionn, it was simple because with him he was loyal to a fault. Whether he was going to get into trouble or not he would have carried me inside the hospital because that is the kind of person he was. “Yes, he was one of the men who dumped me in front of the hospital.”
“Nice guy,” Fionn said.
I nodded. “Still my fault, Fionn.”
“I guess.”
“Anyway,” I looked at Skylar who I swore was getting bigger by the day. “What I have such a hard time with is the fact that I can’t remember that night with her.”
“No shit,” Fionn threw in.
I glanced over at him then back at Skylar. “That’s when I realized how out of control I had become. I called Stokes to find out what he knew.”
“What did he tell you?”
“He had some new synthetic pills, a guaranteed high that would last for hours. I took two of them right before Sky came over to say hello. Everyone else in our group only took one. We were smoking weed and took a hit of a coke too plus I’d been drinking heavily. I’m lucky I hadn’t OD prior to the heroin incident.”
“Yeah man, you are. Glad you’re still alive.”
I kept looking at Skylar. “Me too.”
He saw where I was looking. “How do you feel about becoming a father?”
“Surreal. Not remembering sleeping with her is making me crazy. She tells me about it. How great it was and I just want to remember. She’s really excited about Luke.”
“Are you?”
I looked at my brother then back at Skylar. We were getting closer to the girls. “Fionn, I think I am.” My voice had gone soft. “He’s my son.”
“Pretty powerful feeling huh?” He slapped my back.
“It is.”
“When are you and the parents going to make up?” Fionn asked me.
I snorted. “I don’t think that is up to me.”
He rolled his eyes at me. We reached the girls. He bent down and kissed Aine. “How was the appointment?” The sick calf kept him home.
“I’m still where I was last week. She wants to see me Friday. If I don’t progress, she’s inducing me. She doesn’t want me to go any longer. Gracie was a big baby and this child is big enough. She did an ultrasound and thinks she’s between eight and half and nine pounds.”
My brother cringed because my sister-in-law insisted on natural childbirth. “First one couldn’t wait to come out. This one doesn’t want to come out,” Skylar teased Aine. I glanced down at Sky and put my arm around her shoulders eliciting a smile directed at me. I gave her a little squeeze.
“How’s the calf?” Aine asked.
“I think he’s okay,” Fionn responded. “I’ll watch him for a day or two.”
“Are you ready to go home?” I asked Skylar.
As the words flew from my mouth they felt both strange and natural. We had been living at coach’s cabin for two weeks. She moved her stuff from her parent’s house. Rhett and Tegan came by; I thought to see what the living arrangements were. I think they were almost relieved that we were sleeping in separate bedrooms. I just wanted to take care of her. I felt like I’d made her life hard enough by getting her pregnant. Teg tried to talk to me about Mom and Dad too. I still didn’t think it was my place to approach them. Dad was pretty clear about his thoughts on me.
I held the door of my truck open for Skylar. She was approaching six months so she was having trouble getting up into the truck. I put my hand on her ass without thinking and boosted her into the vehicle. She turned to me when she was seated. I don’t know which of us was more embarrassed? Shutting her door when I was sure her legs were out of the way, I went to the driver’s side and climbed inside. I wondered what she was thinking. Skylar was very quiet. Maybe I shouldn’t have touched her ass. “You okay?” I asked.
She nodded. “Want to tell me what you are thinking?”
“I wish you could remember sex between us,” she said honestly.
“Me too,” I replied.
“Want to do it again?”
I almost choked on my tongue and her face turned a shade of red that I didn’t think was humanly possible. “Forget I said that,” she whispered. I didn’t think that it was possible to forget that Skylar said that to me.
Turning into the drive, I parked behind her car. I dropped her at the farm that morning before practice so we didn’t have separate cars although I was sure she was wishing that she wasn’t riding with me at the moment. Our ride to the cabin had been painfully quiet.
She went straight to the kitchen to cook dinner while I went to the shower. I stripped down naked and realized I hadn’t brought clean clothes with me. I had a towel only because the linen closet was in the bathroom. This place was pretty small. Sure Skylar saw me in my underwear and I had seen her in hers. The first time was amazing.
Her belly was rounder and it was smacking me in the face that soon we would have a baby together. There was no sexual reaction to her body. Just awe. I wanted to reach out and touch her bare belly but I didn’t want to upset her and the look on her face let me know that she wouldn’t be happy if I groped her. She only tolerated me touching her through her clothes, I think.
I stepped beneath the water spraying from the shower head and let it beat over my head. I should have tried to talk to her. I just didn’t know what to say. She defini
tely shocked me with her proposition as tempting as it was. She was a stunning girl. Young woman. She was pregnant with my baby. There were so many things that could get messed up with us jumping into bed together especially since I overdosed only six weeks ago. I hadn’t been clean long enough to figure out what I was capable of as far as relationships go.
Putting my hand against the wall, I closed my eyes and relaxed. I let the water take me to a place where the thoughts weren’t so chaotic. Sex? What did it mean to me? Always had been a way to get off. A quick and easy means to my pleasure. A warm, hard body to stick my dick in. I was shallow and I knew it.
Love? Mainly, a word I used in regards to my friends and family. Skylar was included in that but had never been in a romantic way. Why couldn’t I remember that night?
I finished showering. Standing beneath the water wasn’t providing any answers that I needed other than having sex with Skylar right now wasn’t a good idea. It would only complicate a complicated situation. I towel dried my hair and ran my fingers through it. Then I wrapped the towel around my lean hips. I opened the door and was surprised to see her coming down the hall. She was just as surprised to see me in only a towel. She quickly lowered her eyes to the floor.
“I have to pee really badly,” she explained.
I tried to smile at her but she wasn’t looking. Dinner was ten times worse. She was quiet. I cleaned up afterwards while she went to take a bath. I could hear her splashing about in the tub. I finished the last dish and put the leftovers away then I went to the living room.
I stretched out on the sofa and picked up her iPad to read a little. She had downloaded several books for me to her Kindle app. Then I heard her. A soft low moan. I leaned forward on the sofa and laid her iPad on the table in front of me.
The cabin was in the middle of nowhere with just the two of us. The silence was overwhelming while I waited for her to make more noise. Just a splash of water came next. What was Skylar doing? I rose from the sofa and walked to the hallway. Suddenly, I was intrigued. I couldn’t remember a damn thing about that night that created Luke. She knew it all. She remembered every second. Every sound. Called it great sex. I couldn’t even imagine being intimate with Skylar O’Halloran.