by Lee Wardlow
“He should have taken them with him. It would have been better for them,” she said to me.
I shook my head. “You know you can make it better for them,” I told her.
“How?” Her voice trembled as hard as her hands did.
I clasped my hands together between my legs and leaned my elbows on my knees. I never took my eyes off her. She squirmed beneath my gaze. “You need to get clean.”
“I can’t.” Her tone was insistent that getting clean was not an option.
“You can,” I insisted. “What makes you think you are any different than any other addict?”
“What would I do with the kids? I’ve tried outpatient. It hasn’t worked for me.”
Gramps was coming back to the living room. “We’ll help you with them,” he told her. “I caught the tail end of that conversation. The kids can stay here with Ronan and Sky or at the farm. They are happy both places.”
She was still shaking her head no. “Why the fuck not?” I snapped. Then I felt my wife’s hand on my shoulder. I glanced up into her eyes, calming me.
“Want some coffee?” She asked. Her sweet and gentle nature settled me.
“If he doesn’t, I do,” Gramps responded.
She was wearing those green, plaid pajamas again. Loose about her big belly. She started to walk towards the kitchen and I caught her hand drawing her back to me. “I love you,” I told her. She smiled and leaned over me pressing a kiss to my lips. I was damn lucky I had her. Things could have turned out so differently.
Soon, she was carrying in steaming cups of black coffee to us; the way that Gramps and I liked it. She sat by Delilah who didn’t want anything. She took her hand in hers and smoothed the top of it. “Tell me why you think you couldn’t do an in-house treatment?” Skylar was so comforting. Delilah visibly relaxed in front of our eyes.
“I can’t afford it,” she said looking at my wife.
“I’ll pay for it,” Gramps told her.
Delilah glanced around Skylar at him. “Why?” She was confused as to why anyone would help her especially someone who didn’t know her well.
He smiled. “You remind me of Betsy when we were young. It’s like looking back in time only you’re taller than she was.” His face was scrunched up as if he seeing Betsy in a memory not Delilah.
“I’m taller like my mom,” she replied. He nodded acknowledging her explanation. “But I’ve been told that I look like Tebo.”
“I want to help you. Nickolas talks to me a lot. I think we’re kindred spirits, both quiet men, we seek each other out to discuss life’s oddities.”
Delilah laughed. “That is my Nickolas. He is an old soul.”
“Yes, he is but he deserves to have a life as much as Dominick does. Delilah, you aren’t making good decisions. The kids coming home and finding you in compromising positions on the couch with men is not good. Seeing you wasted is not good. Keeping Dominick from having the life he should have now; forcing him to grow up before he needs to is not good.”
Even though my grandfather wasn’t pulling any punches his tone was kind and gentle. “He should be letting the college scouts look at him and find out if one of them is interested in him. Picking a college to go not taking care of siblings and trying to ensure that they stay together.”
I had more I could contribute to what Gramps was saying. “The one thing that Sam has taught me is to have more self-respect for my body and what I put in it. If I didn’t have Skylar it would also include who I sleep with too. If you don’t remember what you are doing Delilah that can be dangerous. You don’t know what are you exposing yourself to?”
“I’m afraid,” she said.
“What are you afraid of?” Skylar asked gently.
“Who am I without the drugs,” she answered. “Who will I become?”
“As harsh as this is going to sound Delilah, the kids can’t keep going like this. Don’t you see what Nickolas’s meltdown meant?” I asked her.
Her eyes were sad as they gazed at me. She nodded. “They would be better off somewhere else, not with me,” she replied.
I was beyond exasperated with her. Why could she give up so easily? “No, they would be better off with you cleaning up your act. That is all they want. They love you.”
“Nickolas has a lot of hostility towards me. It has been building for a while now. I’ve wanted to bury my head and pretend it wasn’t happening. Dominick is good at keeping him separated from me so I didn’t have to deal with it.”
I shook my head. “So you think you need in-house treatment? I’ll talk to Sam. Find a good place for you. Gramps said he would pay for it. I’m sure the diner would be more than happy to let you have the time off. Dominick said they love you there.” She nodded. “We’ll take care of the kids while you’re in treatment. You’ll go?” I asked.
Delilah was twirling a strand of hair. “Let me think about it.”
I groaned. “Don’t think too long,” I warned her. “Things are coming to a head or can’t you see that?”
“I’d like to go home and shower.”
“You’re coming to the farm for dinner?” I asked. She nodded.
“Delilah, would you take me home?” Gramps asked. “It’s on your way.”
“Sure,” she replied uncertainly.
I walked them to the door and watched until they were gone. Then I turned and went back to the living room. I scooped up Skylar causing her to squeal. “What are you doing?”
“You look so damn sexy in those green flannel jammies I have to have you,” I told her.
She laughed. “I’m sure,” she said rolling her eyes at me.
I went into our bedroom. I needed her. She was my drug now. She relaxed me. She sated the demons in my head. She calmed me. I laid her on the bed and looked at her. Skylar gave me the release that the drugs used to. I slipped my shirt over my head and watched her eyes travel the length of my body. Her big toe traced a pattern down the middle of my chest. I smirked at her. Then I yanked the hem of her pajama bottoms until they came completely off; tossing them over my shoulder. I could see that her stretch marks were worse not that it mattered to me, only to her. In my head, she was still fucking beautiful, all big with our baby.
I leaned over her and unbuttoned her top while she undid my jeans. I caressed her smooth skin while she shoved my pants down. I kicked them off behind me. I just wanted to touch her and kiss her until she was squirming beneath me. How had I gotten so lucky? I sure as fuck didn’t deserve her.
I teased her. She teased me. I laid beside Skylar on the bed for a moment just wanting to look at her. After a moment she rolled me onto my back and straddled me. This is how I loved her most. Her hair a wild mess from my hands running through it. My hands circled her belly. I could feel Luke moving about inside her. She laid hers on top of mine. I slid them up her body over her breasts encircled her neck and drew her down to me.
“You are so beautiful baby,” I told her.
She laid her lips on mine. I wanted to do so much more than just get inside her. I wanted to touch and taste her first. I wanted to make her come but she had other things in mind. Skylar slipped my cock out of my boxers. I was hard and ready for her. Sometimes, you just need that connection. When everything is weighing you down, you need that gasp from the first hard thrust. She slid down on me and moaned. Her deep, husky breath in my ear made me want to move hard and fast in her body but I didn’t. I kept control of myself and my emotions.
I sat up and pulled her close. Tugging her head back I kissed her neck while she kept moving her body, never missing a beat. I flipped us over on our sides and lifted her leg over on mine so I could play with that beautiful pussy of hers while I stroked her body with my own. Soon she was grinding with me. Groaning with me. She wanted relief as much as I did.
Her arm encircled my neck from behind. I held her close, never wanting to let her go. Then she imploded and it was the sweetest thing. Her breathing was short and hard. Soft, sweet gasps of pleasure were coming fro
m between her beautiful lips. Her body trembled in my arms.
“I love you baby,” I whispered in her ear.
“I love you,” she answered in her low, husky tone.
She was my undoing. My world now and she was my biggest reason for staying clean. I knew I should be doing it for myself but when the need became great I just looked at her and knew that I couldn’t fuck this thing up. I had done well enough at that already. Fucking things up that is.
Skylar rolled over in my arms and faced me. My hands rested at the curve of her ass. She was self-conscious because everything was bigger. I smiled at her. “Are you all right?” Skylar snuggled into me. I thought she was cold so I covered us with a quilt.
“I don’t know.” I had so many thoughts going through my head after last night. Dad for one. I didn’t know how to handle him. How to break through to him or make him understand my goals in life have changed? I have changed and thank god I had.
I rolled to my back taking Skylar with me. She settled her head in the crook of my neck and plastered her warm, sweet body across my chest. I laid my hand on her back and caressed her smooth skin. I loved touching her. Skylar grounded me. She silenced the thoughts when nothing else would but the drugs.
“I don’t know what to do about Dad or Delilah,” I told her.
She raised her head and looked at me, “I don’t know that you can do anything about either of them.”
I raised up and pushed Skylar onto her back. Luke was moving about attracting my attention. I laid my head on her chest and she ran her fingers through my hair while my hand splayed across her belly just feeling my son roll about her body. “What do you think he will be like?”
“If he’s anything like his cousins, he’ll look like you.”
I looked up at her, “I’m afraid he’s hyper like I was too from the all the activity in the womb.”
She laughed. “I don’t think that is a good indication of a child’s hyperactivity Ronan.”
“Sky, do you have any regrets?” I had to ask. She could have hated me after what happened between us. I knew she was embarrassed that I didn’t remember our night together and that is why she hadn’t told me right away.
“None,” she replied sweetly.
“I’m glad.” I reached up and cupped her face, drawing her to me so I could kiss her. Just the touch of her lips to mine was all I needed. A few more weeks and we couldn’t be fooling around. She wouldn’t be comfortable. I could wait. I could hold her and love her in so many other ways.
**
Skylar made lemon bars to bring to the Sunday dinner. They were Gramps favorite. I was surprised to find that the kids were still here. All three of them. Delilah dropped Gramps off hours earlier. Dominick and Maddie talked to their mother. Nickolas refused to speak to her. She didn’t come to Sunday dinner. I called Shawn and asked if he would stop by their house on the way here. Her car wasn’t in the drive, he told me. She had no cell phone to call her. We didn’t know where she was.
Dad decided not to come with mom. She told me not to worry about it but I knew she was upset. Most likely they argued before she left. It was time for a showdown with my dad. I walked towards my truck. She was calling my name to stop. I climbed into my truck with Skylar was screaming at me to stop but I couldn’t. It was time that I forced the issue with him and made him see reason. I didn’t know any other way to break through his stubborn ass.
My brothers, my grandfather, uncle and Coach all piled into the back of the old farm truck. I saw that they were following me. Mom and Skylar were following them.
I turned right out of the lane. I heard Fionn laying on the horn of the truck but I didn’t stop. My phone was ringing but I didn’t answer it. I turned down the road to their house off main street. There were several older homes on this street. All ranches. All the same as when I lived here with my brothers. I could see him in the yard. He was working with his short sleeved shirt and tight jeans. Tennis shoes. He looked anything but a grandfather. He leaned on a rake when he saw me pull into the driveway.
I got out of the truck leaving my door open. My heart was slamming against my chest. I was so pissed off but then so was he. “You’re never going to let it go are you?” I shouted at him. He didn’t answer me.
I walked across the lawn towards my dad. He was a big man. Bigger than me. Probably the same weight but two inches taller. I don’t know what I thought I was going to do. “Answer me goddammit,” I shouted. “I’m tired of you ignoring me.”
“Son, you do not talk to me that way,” was all that he said. My dad’s voice was firm but soft and low. My dad had a deep, intimidating voice. He didn’t have to shout to be heard but I wasn’t backing down to him.
I ran my hands through my hair. So frustrated and at the end of my rope. “My god you are a cocky, unforgiving bastard.” All the years, always trying to please him came rushing forward. He should still be proud of me. I was clean. I thought I could stay clean. I was going to keep going to meetings. I was going to keep working towards being a better man. A good husband to Skylar. A good father to our son but it wasn’t enough for him. He wasn’t going to let it go because he felt that what I had done reflected on him as a father.
That was it. He was more pissed off than me now. The farm truck pulled into the driveway and behind it was my mom and my wife. “Get your ass in your truck and go back to the farm. I stayed home for a reason Ronan.” He shoved me. I took a step back.
“Don’t fucking shove me,” I snapped. I knew that Skylar saw him shove me when I heard her distressed cry for me. He shoved me again.
I did something I didn’t think I would ever do in my lifetime. I coldcocked my dad. His head snapped back with a jerk. He wasn’t expecting me to hit him or he would have blocked me for sure. The shock on his face was worse than the gasp from my mom. I heard her. After his shock left him, he came at me like a bulldozer. Head bent down like a running back heading for the end zone. I went flat on my back and his two hundred thirty-five pounds came crashing down on top of me. I got the wind knocked out me for a second.
We wrestled around a little. I was just as strong as him. Both of us tried for the upper hand with the other one. Neither of us hit each other after I threw that first punch at his face. Then he got me in a head lock and wrapped his legs around my legs. “Stop Ronan,” he gasped. I was still pissed and struggling against him. “I said stop,” Dad shouted. The fight went out of me then but he didn’t let me go. “What the fuck are we doing son?”
I gripped his arm around my neck tight. I could feel tears rolling down my cheeks. I had never hit my dad ever. I’m surprised he hadn’t lost it and hit me back. Noah walked across the lawn. “Let him go Declan.”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?” My eyes traveled up to my uncle’s face. He was looking at us both with so much disappointment. Both Dad and I were gasping for air. “He has a death grip on my forearm.” My uncle burst out laughing. I wasn’t sure what was so funny. I released my dad and my uncle extended his hand to me. Gratefully, I took it and he pulled me to my feet straight into his arms. He held me tight like he had when I was just a kid while I cried like a baby.
“Ro, it’s okay.” He patted my back and whispered softly to me. His comfort was so familiar to me that I cried even harder.
I shook my head and my body was shaking. “I hit my dad.” I couldn’t get over the fact that I had struck my father. My heart was broken.
“He’s been acting like a jackass. I would say he deserved it.”
I heard my dad laugh. “Ronan,” Dad said. He pulled me away from Noah and hugged me. “I’m an ass, I know it and I’m sorry.”
“What?” I pulled away from him and wiped my hand across my face.
“What you can’t take an apology from me?”
Mom told Skylar to get in the car they were going back to the farm. I heard the disgust in her tone. I turned and saw the look of concern on Sky’s face. My grandfather was standing near the truck with his arms folded acr
oss his chest. He was angry. I glanced one more time at Mom’s car as Skylar waved to me when Mom pulled away.
Dad pulled my attention back to him. “Ronan, go back to the farm. Enjoy the dinner with your brothers and friends. You haven’t been there in a really long time. I’ll come next week.”
“Why not today?” I asked. I really wanted him to come today.
“Because my son just punched me in the face. I’m going inside to ice it down and I’m going to think about what I’ve done to make this situation worse. I want to be a part of Luke’s life like I am the granddaughters’ lives. So go back and enjoy yourself. I just need a little time to regroup.”
Noah told me to come on. I started to follow him to my truck. Then I turned back to Dad. “I’m sorry Dad for hitting you and talking to you the way that I did.” I was pretty ashamed of myself right now.
My hands were trembling while I waited for a response. He smiled at me. “Ronan, I provoked you. You have nothing to be sorry for. I’ve been taking this whole situation with you personally and I need to look at how it has affected you instead of me.”
“No shit,” Noah told him.
“Now go,” Dad told me rolling his eyes at his brother.
I threw Noah my keys so he could drive my truck. I was too upset to drive. Gramps decided to come with us instead of riding back in the farm truck. I leaned over feeling like I was going to throw up. “I can’t believe I hit him and he didn’t kill me.” I was breathing heavy, in through my nose and out my mouth just trying to calm down. My uncle laughed at me. Gramps was quiet.
“Kind of surprised about that myself.” I leaned back against the seat and Noah glanced at me quickly. “He’s not known for keeping a cool head.”
“There was this one time when Joey was wasted.” I looked over my shoulder at Gramps. “He was mouthy the whole night. My Pa didn’t like something he was doing to Joy so he was trying to get her away from him.” I kept my eyes on him, not looking away. “He drew back to hit him and Joy stepped in the middle. Knocked her out cold. That is when my Pa told Joy either he stops drinking or you leave.”