Worth It All

by L. J. Swartz

  I ride to work with Rian. I never heard from Vance last night. After the conversation about Megan and the awkwardness of Declan and Rian, I figured if he wanted to talk he would text or call. Rian parks her car two spots over from Vance's. We get our bags out then walk toward the trailer. I stop walking feeling like I may puke. Vance is standing in front of Makayla with his hand on the wall next to her head. They are dangerously close. "What the fuck," Rian hisses. I grab her arm pulling her back as she takes a step in their direction. "Rian don't," I beg. She huffs ripping her arm from my grasp. I hang back, but follow her. "What the fuck are you doing," she barks. Vance's head shoots up. He has that easy smile on his face. "Hey Rian," he says like nothing is going on. Maybe nothing is. Oh my god what if they're rehearsing. "I'll see you in a bit Vance," Makayla says then kisses his lips slowly. She shoots me a look as she walks into our trailer. Vance winks at me saying, "Hey Sadie," then walks away. "Oh my god," I whisper. Rian goes after him. She grabs his arm spinning him around. I don't know what they're saying, but she's pissed. He looks cool and calm. I don't know what happened after he left last night. Apparently he made the decision to be done with me. Vance Matthews and I are over. I walk to the trailer taking a deep breath before I open the door. "Sadie, hi," Makayla says like we're old friends. Of course she knows my name now that we're no longer enemies. She won, and I don't even know why. "Makayla how are you," I ask trying to be nice. The door flings open. Rian steps in. "You're perfect for him Makayla. You're both two faced pieces of shit," she barks walking to her station. I take a deep breath. I don't even want to know what he told her. I skim the script finding out I need to curl Makayla's hair. I get what I need from my kit and get started. I knew it would end. I just wish I knew why, or had more of a warning. Things were great. Then last night happened and we're done. Just like that. The door opens. Victor walks in saying, "Vance left." I give Rian a look. She smirks at me pulling the makeup tray over with her as she steps up in front of Makayla. "So now what," Makayla barks. "Well you have a few solo scenes you can do. Then we're done for the day," he tells her giving me an apologetic look. I just keep curling her hair. This is gonna take a bit. "All done," Rian announces happily. I look to her. She can tell I'm pissed. What the hell did she say to him to make him leave? I get Makayla's hair done about 15 minutes later. She thanks us sweetly then exits the trailer. The second the door shuts I bark, "Do you know why he left?" Rian smirks as she turns to face me saying, "Maybe." I huff looking to the side then ask, "Well are you gonna tell me?" She packs all her things back into her bag then says, "Nope. He's not good enough for you. It's best for you to forget him." I stand in shock watching as she walks to the door. "You coming," she asks. I pack my stuff quickly then follow her out the door to her car. "Rian what happened," I ask as we pull from the lot. "He's not ready, but instead of being a man and telling you that. He thought he'd just ignore you," she hisses. I shake my head then look out the window. There's something else going on here, but I doubt I'll ever know what it is.

  We pull into the parking garage and get out. "Sadie," I hear from behind me. I turn to see Declan walking to me. "Hey Declan what are you doing here," I ask then glance to Rian. She waves at him. He winks at her then looks back to me. "Vance is an idiot. I'm sorry," he tells me. "It's ok. He is uh, still dealing with issues over losing Megan so...." I trail off grabbing my bag from the back seat. "Wow," Declan says looking at me. "What," I ask as I walk around the car toward the elevators. Declan follows me saying, "He's more of an idiot than I thought." I shrug shaking my head. "Declan do you know why he's just done," I ask trying not to sound hurt. "He said something about having to break it off because he wasn't sure he could handle the fall," he shrugs then adds, "I never understand him. He always says things in a dumb way." Declan may not understand, but I do. I told him not to let me fall if he couldn't. So he's done. I feel tears in my eyes. I will not cry. We weren't even anything. My phone rings in my pocket. I pull it out as we pile into the elevator. It's David. "Hey," I answer. "Sadie, are you free for minute," he asks. "Ya, what's up," I ask trying to sound normal. "I just wondered if you were free for dinner soon? I just really want to talk. I have some things to tell you," he tells me. "You free tonight," I ask. "Yes," he says. "Ok pick me up at 7," I tell him then hang up. I look to Rian she's giving me a funny look. "It wasn't Vance," I tell her looking to the floor. "So I came with good news," Declan announces. I look to him. "Brittany isn't pregnant," he says looking to Rian. She gets a huge smile on her face. "That's great Declan. She's horrible," I tell him as the doors open on our floor. I go to step out. Vance steps from the side in front of me. I swallow hard. He's so beautiful. Rian and Declan walk from the elevator. I step out around Vance. "Sadie, I wanna explain," he says to my back. Rian un locks the door. I look over my shoulder at him saying, "No need," then walk through the door closing it behind me. I walk straight to my room. I close the door then lean against it. I slide down to my butt resting my forehead on my knees. I hear Rian yell, "No leave her alone," two second before there's a knock at my door. I stand up in time for it to open. I jump out of the way yelling, "What the fuck." Vance comes in closing the door behind him. He grabs me pulling me to him saying, "I'm so sorry Sadie. Please let me fix this." I push on his chest hard. He stumbles back looking at me in shock. "I'm done riding the Vance Matthews rollercoaster. Get out," I bark. He searches my face saying, "I'm sorry." I shrug then cross my arms over my chest. "Just go Vance. Your mood swings are making me crazy," I tell him holding his gaze. I want to grab onto him, hold on tight, but for how long. He goes from hot to cold in a matter of minutes. I can't handle it. "Sadie can I," he starts. I hold my hand up saying, "No Vance you can't." Rian appears in my doorway. I look to her expectantly. "I just wondered if I could help you get ready," she says stepping past Vance. I'm not going for hours. She's doing this just to get to Vance. "Where are you going," Vance asks looking hurt. "Dinner," I tell him. He doesn't need to know with who. It's really none of his business. "Oh ok. Well have fun," he says sadly taking a step back. "Why," I blurt. He looks to me saying, "I don't deserve you." I close my eyes taking a deep breath. When I open them again, he's gone. "Oh god," Rian whispers. I look to her with tears in my eyes shaking my head blinking them away. "You wanna help me get ready," I ask. Rian nods her head. Declan appears in the door way with a sad smile on his face. He walks to me pulling me into his arms saying, "Oh sweet Sadie. I'm sorry." I cling to him. I hardly know him, but he's as close to Vance as I'm gonna get now.

  There's at knock at the door. It's 6:55. David's early. I walk to the door opening it. His eyes trial down my body then back up to meeting my gaze. "Wow Sade. You look stunning," he tells me with a look of awe on his face. Rian's good. I curled my hair then pinned it back. She let me borrow her black shift dress paired with red patent leather pumps. She did my makeup. I have a smoky eye with natural lips and a brush of pink blush on my cheeks. I gotta admit when I looked in the mirror I didn't recognize myself. David looks amazingly fashionable as usual. He has on a dark purple button down, black pants, black suspenders with purple stitching and grey saddle style shoes. He's let his hair grow a bit. It's styled into a messy bed head style. It looks good on him. He looks like he's lost a bit of weight. Maybe even started going back to the gym judging by the way his shirt is stretched over his shoulders. "You look pretty good yourself," I tell him. He smirks at me stepping in as I step back. Rian and Declan come from the kitchen. "Hey I'm David," he says nicely stretching his hand out to Declan. Declan smiles saying, "Declan, Rian's boyfriend." I shoot her a look. Great so now they're officially dating. Rian waves saying, "Hey David." He nods at her politely. "You ready," he asks me trailing his eyes down my body again. I smile then turn grabbing my black cardigan and grey clutch off the chair. Rian insisted I need them to complete the outfit. "Let's go," I say waving at Rian and Declan. David opens the door for me motioning me through first. We get into the elevator. I feel a weird tension flowing off him. I look to him smiling nervously. Holy mother.
He's looking at me like I'm some delicious meal he's about to devour. My breath hitches as he steps in front of me sliding his hands to my hips. No heat. "God I've missed you so much. Is it possible you've gotten even more beautiful," he asks sweetly. "Well no bruises on my face so that helps," I say sarcastically. I close my eyes taking a deep breath whispering, "Sorry." I open my eyes. He doesn't look mad. He looks apologetic. "That was fair. I deserved that Sadie. I'm so sorry for laying a hand on you. I've been going to counseling and not drinking. Losing you has changed me Sade," he tells me with genuine hurt in his voice. I reach up touching his face. It feels good, normal even. The elevator doors opens. David turns taking my hand leading me from the elevator. Standing to the left is none other than Brittany. Declan's ex girlfriend. She smirks at me saying, "Hi Sadie," then steps onto the elevator. I pull my phone out quickly texting Rian, BRITTANY JUST GOT ON THE ELEVATOR. WATCH OUT. David looks down at me concerned asking, "Is everything ok?" I nod as I slide my hand into his letting him lead me out to his car. He helps me in shutting my door. My phone goes off. It's Rian. I open her text, ARE YOU SURE NO ONE KNOCKED YET. My heart sinks to my toes. She's here to see Vance. I hit reply, MUST HAVE BEEN A LOOK ALIKE. I can't believe he'd do that to me, well Declan. David gets in drawing my attention. "Seriously Sadie. You seem upset. Is there something I did wrong," he asks taking my hand in his. I smile shaking my head no then say, "I'm just nervous David that's all. I'm glad we're doing this though. I can tell you've changed. I'm so proud of you." He smiles pulling my hand to his lips placing a kiss to my finger tips. I think of Vance. I shake my head clearing the thoughts of Vance from my mind then look forward as David pulls us away from the curb. "I was going to take you to that uppity restaurant we always went to, but I think a change of plans are in order," he says sounding excited. I look to him smiling. His excitement is contagious. "I'm in," I tell him.

  David parks along the street then looks to me saying, "Let me get your door, ok." I smile as he gets out then walks around opening my door for me. He holds his hand out. I take it. He helps me from the car shutting the door behind me. He hits the lock button on his keys then wraps his arm around me tucking me next to him. We walk in companionable silence for a bit. He leads me across the street to Central Park. I look up at him confused. He smiles at me leading me to a bench. He sits down taking me with him. "She is obviously cheating on her boyfriend with that guy," he says pointing to a man and woman leaning against a tree. "Hey they could just be really in love," I say watching as the man kisses her fiercely holding her face in his hands. He pulls away saying something. "I don't care if he's my brother I love you," David says dramatically. I bust up laughing. She starts to talk so I say, "I can't. He's the father of our two yorkies." David laughs loudly saying, "Good one Sade." I look at him. Really look at him. He seems so happy, relaxed, different. David points at two men walking. They keep bumping into each other as they talk. It's blatantly obvious they're into each other. "Steven I'm so glad we're finally going to be together," David says passionately. "Did you tell your wife yet," I ask looking into his eyes. He busts up laughing then gets serious. He slides his hand to my cheek saying, "I missed you." I search his face as he leans in slowly. Should I stop him? He presses his lips to mine. It feels normal. No heat. He pulls back smiling. We wit on the bench talking about his therapy stopping here and there to people watch and translate. It's starting to get late. I'm actually surprised at how much fun I'm having. I kind of don't want it to end. "Well Sade I suppose I should get you home," David says as he stands extending his hand to me. I slide mine into his. He wrap his arm around me pulling my hand to his lips placing a kiss to my knuckles. He holds our joined his to his chest as he leads me from the park. We walk back to his car chit chatting happily. He opens the door for me holding my gaze as I get in. I feel my heart rate pick up as he closes the door. I watch him walk around and get in next to me. He winks at me as he puts the keys in the ignition. "Thank you for this Sadie," he tells me as he pulls from the curb. I say nothing I just slide my hand into his slipping my fingers between his.

  David pulls up in front of our apartment. "David that was exactly what I needed. Thank you," I tell him happily. I never saw that funny and goofy side of David before. I like it. "I'd really like to see you again, Sadie," he tells me taking my hand in both of his. "I'd like that too David," I tell him. He leans over pressing his lips to mine. It's nice. No overwhelming desire like with Vance. He pulls away smiling whispering, "God I missed that." I smile as I touch his face. I slide my hand around into his hair pulling his lips back to mine. I thrust my tongue into his mouth. He groans moving his hands to my legs gripping my thighs tightly as our tongues tangle with each other. He pulls away abruptly whispering, "Sadie," in an almost warning kind of tone. I open my eyes looking at him. The same tension from the elevator is consuming us. He wants me. He may not be Vance, but I want him too. "David," I say getting his attention. He meets my gaze swallowing hard. "I better go," he says then smiles weakly. He sighs. "I don't want to screw this up," he tells me searching my face. I smile then kiss him again quickly. He really has changed. "Ok. Call me tomorrow," I ask. He smiles saying, "Absolutely." He leans forward pressing his lips to mine again kissing me slowly. He pulls back looking ready to devour me saying, "Good night Sadie." I hesitate a second then open the door. I step out hearing, "Well haven't you moved on quickly." It's Brittany. "That's a pretty funny comment coming from you, since you just left Vance's apartment," I say with a fake smile on my face. David's door opens. He steps out asking, "Everything ok?" I watch Brittany take him in. I'm not jealous at all, but I love that she obviously finds him attractive. That's right bitch. I shut my door smiling at him saying, "Yeah babe we're fine." He walks to me wrapping his arm around my waist. "David," he says extending his hand to Brittany. She takes it giving me a weird look as she says, "Brittany." I hold her gaze as she says, "Well have a great night," then walks down the street climbing into a red sports car. Wonder if Vance bought her that? "Who was that," David asks next to my ear. Chills run down my spine. I turn to him saying, "No one." I stand on my toes sliding my hands to his face as I press my lips to his. He pulls me to him kissing me slowly passionately. I pull away asking, "You sure you have to leave?" He smiles slowly saying, "I know I should, but I don't want to." I touch his face sliding my hand up into his hair giving it a tug. He closes his eyes licking his lips. "Maybe I could stay for a bit," he says as he opens his eyes. I remember Declan's here with Rian. "How about you take me to your place," I suggest reaching for the passenger door. He grabs the door holding it open for me. I smile as I slide into the passenger seat. He closes the door then comes around the front getting in next to me. As soon as the door's closed he looks to me opening his mouth to say something. I grab his face pulling him to me kissing him fiercely. If he asks me if I'm sure about doing this. I know I'll say no. I want Vance, but he can't handle a relationship with me. He has obviously already found someone to take my place. I need to feel wanted, needed. David can do that for me. He pulls away with a smile saying, "Ok then." It's only a couple minutes later when we pull into the parking garage of his apartment. My old apartment. I'm not sure I can handle going back in there without feeling scared. Without feeling the hatred I felt for him the last time I was there. He puts the car in park. I move from my seat to his straddling his legs. "God Sadie, what's gotten into you," he asks with a smile as he runs his hands up my legs. "You hopefully,” I tell him reaching for the zipper on his pants. "Seriously Sadie? We're in a parking garage," he says then swallows hard moaning as I reach my hand into his boxers pulling him free. "Fuck it," he says grabbing my face pulling my lips to his. I moan as he slides one hand down my body up my thigh. He hooks my panties slipping a finger inside me. "Oh god," I call out. He smiles then grabs my hips. I hold him to my entrance throwing my head back as he slides inside me. I brace myself on his shoulders moving up and down him. He pumps into me matching me move for move. "God Sadie," he hisses. I open my eyes sitting up holding his g
aze. He's not Vance, but he cares about me. He changed for ME. "I missed you David," I whisper. It's not totally true. If I keep saying it, maybe it'll be enough to push me back to David and forget Vance. "Sade I missed you baby," he whispers kissing me as he moves inside me slowly taking his time. I gasp then rest my forehead to his. I loved him once. I still do on some level. We could get back what we had. I wrap my hands around his neck and just feel. Feel him inside me. Feel his love for me. He can give me what I need. I lift up then slam down onto him hard and fast. "God damn it Sade," he calls out. I smile circling my hips doing it again. He smirks up at me saying, "I like this Sadie." I smile leaning forward grazing my lips across his as I say, "Good because I like this David." He smiles against my lips then slides his between mine. He grabs my hips tightly pounding into me hard and fast. I can't take it. I fall over the edge. "Oh yes," I call out as my orgasm claims me. It’s not mind numbing, but it feels good. "Sadie," he whispers as he releases inside me. He never said my name during sex before. It's hot, intimate. I look to him as he opens his eyes. "You still love me," I say making a statement. He smiles as he nods his head saying, "More than I ever let on." I hold his gaze pulling his lips to mine kissing him fiercely. When I pull away I tell him, "I love you too."

  The weeks have just flown by. David has been wonderful. He brings me lunch at work almost every other day and hasn't talked about drinking not even once. I went to counseling with him a couple times. We worked out a lot of our issues from before. He has really changed. It was all for me. Rian was not happy that I got back with him at first, but he has since won her over. Declan’s at our house just about daily. He has even taken a liking to David. They watched football together yesterday really seeming to enjoy each other’s company. I see Vance at work everyday. It's awkward as hell, but he basically avoids me as much as he possibly can. Today we're on set again for another sex scene day. I can't help but feel a bit anxious as we walk on set. "You ok," Rian asks. I smile at her saying, "Of course why wouldn't I be?" She gives me a look saying, "Sadie I know you're happy with David, and really I am impressed with all the work he’s doing to change himself for you. Sweetie, I'm no dummy. You're still very much in love with Vance. You can't just shut that off. Even though that's what you're trying to convince yourself of." I swallow hard. I thought I was doing a pretty good job of convincing everyone Vance and I's break up meant nothing. Apparently I wasn't. "I'm fine Rian. I am really happy with David so.....Vance was a fun fling. That's all," I say then turn running into hard muscle. Heat shoots through my body. I moan involuntarily. It’s so delicious. I forgot how overwhelming and consuming it feels to be touched by Vance. I let my eyes trail up and down his body. He only has on boxers. I miss this view. "Did she just say you're back with David," Vance asks as I meet his gaze. God those eyes. I feel like I'm home looking into them. "I am," I whisper. He closes his eyes. His chest is heaving as he takes a few deep quick breaths. "Why," he asks as he opens his eyes. He looks SO hurt. "He changed," I tell him knowing there's no way that's a good enough reason for him. "Really? So when he hits you and really hurts you, is that what you're gonna tell everyone," he hisses. I push on his chest. He grabs my hands holding them to him. I flex my fingers feeling his warm hard body under my finger tips. I take a deep breath as the need to be closer consumes me. "It's not your problem Vance. You relieved yourself of worrying about my feelings after you crushed them in the dirt," I hiss ripping my hands from his grasp. His eyes go wide. "Sadie I, I was trying to keep from hurting you," he says getting frustrated. "Too bad that's exactly what you did," I say walking around him. "Why didn't you tell me," I hear him ask. I turn around. He's talking to Rian. "You let her go Van. She's happy now," Rian says touching his shoulder as she walks pass him to me. "You can't be fucking serious," he hisses at her. Rian shrugs then starts to un load her bag. "You support her being with a man who beat her," he asks like I'm not standing here. "STOP IT," I yell at him. He looks to me. "She supports my decisions even if she doesn't agree with it. David has proven himself. He actually loves me and wasn't afraid to show me," I tell him holding his gaze daring him to tell me I'm wrong. He clenches his jaw saying, "I wasn't afraid of loving you. I was afraid that you wouldn’t love me back. I'd never recover." I close my eyes feeling tears spring to my eyes. "Oh shit," Rian whispers. "Well you had no reason to be afraid. Not that it matters now," I tell him dropping my kit to the floor walking toward the food room. "Sadie," he calls out. I hold my hand up and keep walking. I get myself a water then grab one for Rian. My phone goes off in my pocket. I pull it out. It's a text from David, HEY BEAUTIFUL CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU FOR LUNCH. I LOVE YOU. I sigh as I hit reply then type, I LOVE YOU TOO. It's not right. I belong to Vance, but David’s the better fit for me. I walk back on set. Vance is no where in sight. Thank god. I walk to Rian handing her a water. "That was tense. What are you gonna do now," she asks. I shrug taking a drink of water then look to her saying, "Nothing." Vance walks from behind the set walking toward me. I swallow hard watching his every move. He's so beautiful. "I need hair and make up," he says holding me gaze. I point to the chair. He sits down never taking his eyes from me. I secure the cape around his neck then stand in front of him as I un cap the hair color. He spreads his legs. I can't help myself. I step between them. He sits his hands on his legs then runs his thumbs up and down my thighs. I swallow hard as I spray his hair. I can not let him get to me. I finish his hair then reach around his neck unsnapping the cape. "You're done," I say next to his ear as I stand up removing the cape. He stands holding my gaze a minute then walks off. Rian comes up next to me saying, "Well if you're doing a great job at doing nothing." The director yells Rian's name. She grabs a makeup item then walks over. She brushes it on Vance and Makayla. We watch them film until we get released to go to lunch. It wasn't as hard to watch this time. Then again, he's not mine anymore. "Hey beautiful," David says next to my ear as he slides his hands to my hips from behind. "Hey," I say as I turn throwing my arms around his neck. "I brought you Chinese," he tells me placing a kiss to my cheek. "Sounds wonderful," I tell him. He smiles at Rian saying, "I brought you some too, Ri." She smiles saying, "And that's why I love you David. He chuckles and lets me take his hand leading him to our trailer. We get settled in and start to eat. "So how has it been going," he asks. "Sex scene day. So we're pretty busy. Lots of touch ups," Rian tells him as she takes a bite of rice. He looks to me with a funny look on his face. "What babe," I ask happily. "Does it bother you," he asks me concerned. He doesn't look angry, just curious. "Not one bit," I tell him leaning forward kissing his lips. He smiles then moves so that he’s sitting behind me resting his hands on my thighs. I sit back against him and keep eating. The door opens. Brittany walks in. I'm instantly pissed. "Oh oops he said third trailer from the end," she says walking back out the door. I look to Rian. She tries to hide it, but she knew. Why wouldn't she tell me? I calm myself down. I don't need David knowing I care. "So I have this work thing," he says hesitantly. I turn sideways to look to him. "Ok why do you sound worried to tell me," I ask. He sighs taking my face in his hands as he says, "It’s at club Marco." I search his face. He hasn't been drinking since we got back together. We've been avoiding the bars and clubs. "I want you to come with me," he tells me. I don't know what to say. I want to be a good girlfriend, but what if he drinks? What if he gets angry? "I won't drink, baby I promise. If you come with me, I won't even care to," he tells me. I need to trust him, trust that he's ready for this. "Ok," I say. He leans forward kissing me slowly then pulls back saying, "Thanks baby. " He looks to Rian asking, "Can you and Dec come? The more the merrier." She smiles as she looks to me. I'm silently begging her to say yes. "Of course we can," she says giving me a knowing look. I mouth, "Thank you."