In Too Deep
Page 9
It was also the only time she wasn’t freaking out that Sky was making a break for it. She was tense right this second, aware that Sky was unsupervised and probably writing dirty limericks on the walls of their bathroom if she wasn’t climbing into a car with Nebraska tags on it.
Trigg ran a hand over his hair and swore under his breath. “I can’t come down on her. You think me being a hard-ass is going to help?”
“No,” she muttered.
“But we’re all supposed to overlook that she’s a rude brat running the show with you? I’ve heard the way she talks to you. She’s not much better with my mom or anyone else. She doesn’t do what she’s told.” Trigg slapped another weight on the bar. “And not that it matters, but every single one of us has tried to friend her on social media, and she’s ignoring all of us. She doesn’t want to be here or have anything to do with any of us.”
Wren felt the walls closing in. “What are you saying? We should leave? I should go up there and tell her you don’t want her?”
“I want you to keep an eye on her so she’s not sitting in the smoke pit with guys twice her age!”
“Oh. So, don’t have a job. Shadow her all day. Why don’t you do that?” It burst out of her, squeezed by all the pressure she was under.
He leveled a look at her that was lethal.
She hated confrontation. She rubbed her shaking hands over her upper arms, gave herself a small hug, then tried to defuse this back to civil.
“I know I haven’t handled this as well as I could have.”
“Understatement,” Trigg muttered.
Oh, she would hop right into her time machine and go back to when her father had been beating the shit out of her, trying to make her tell him who had fathered Mandy’s baby. Let Sky be his problem for the last twelve years. Would that make him happy?
She swallowed, wishing daily that she could do exactly that. Mandy might still be alive.
“I’m doing the best I can, all right?” It was the best she could come up with and she should have left on it. But it was damned hard to make a dramatic exit when her conscience demanded she wipe down her mat. Which she did.
Then, as she started to leave, she heard him mutter to the ceiling, “Your best isn’t good enough. Try harder.”
Jerk. She glared at him over her shoulder, but he was on his back on the bench press, not looking at her and, far as she could tell, not trying at all.
Chapter Seven
Sky had had it. Absolutely fucking had it. After making her sit all day in the dining room doing homework, Auntie Wren had bitched her out for smoking and grounded her to their room. Really? Oh, really? Fine.
She had turned it upside down and finally found two more diaries. They looked a lot like the other two, smaller than notebooks for school, but spiral-bound with colorful patterns on the front. She could tell one was a lot older, though. It was more faded and bent up at the edges. She started reading that one first.
*
Dear Wren,
I feel so bad. Mama asked me to watch you while she went to church. Papa was in his workshop, but he came in and saw that we were playing with Neil’s cars. You weren’t even being rough. You were just using your finger to spin the tires. Papa smacked your hand and put you in the crying closet. Then he told me to go to my room and do my homework. I can hear you crying. I wish Mama would come home from church.
Dear Wren,
You said my name today. It sounded just like the way Neil used to say it. It made me so happy but sad. I never want to forget him.
Dear Wren,
Sometimes I get so fed up when I have to watch you. Why does Mama go to church so much? You’re just holding on to the doorknob and crying and crying because you want to go out of our room and find her. I don’t know how to make you stop or make you understand she’s not even there. I’m scared if you don’t stop crying, Papa will come in. I gave you everything that you usually like but you don’t want to color or play with the teddy bears or play that we’re in a boat. You just keep saying Mama. Please don’t get me into trouble.
Dear Wren,
Get better. I don’t want you to die. But if you do, tell Neil I miss him.
Dear Wren,
I found my old diary today and read it. I thought I threw it away after they told me I had to be held back. I don’t want to go to school. All of my friends are going to the middle school and these kids are going to laugh at me.
Dear Wren,
You started kindergarten today so you came on the bus and into the school with me. Usually no one talks to me, but they all asked me who you were and didn’t believe you were my sister. Your hair is so much darker, I guess. When they said you weren’t my sister, you cried. Then I had to leave you at the door of your classroom and you cried again. You hugged me so hard and said don’t leave me. I was laughing, but I wanted to cry. I promise you I will never leave you. I love you.
Dear Wren,
I told you today that next year I go to middle school. You cried again. I can’t talk to you about school. It’s too stressful.
Dear Wren,
I have a locker!! I know you’re sad that I’m not in your school anymore, but it’s nice to have some privacy. I hope I finally make some friends.
Dear Wren,
I’m supposed to be writing an essay. It’s so boring. It’s about a dead guy as usual. There’s this girl in my class. Her name is Lydia. She’s new. She put up her hand today and said her mom is a feminist. She said we should be studying what women did in history. Mr. Cartwright said women didn’t do anything and Lydia said I’d bet my mom would know better. Mr. Cartwright sent her to the principal’s office. I’m a little bit scared for her. What will her dad do to her?
Dear Wren,
Chapter two in the saga of Lydia against Mr. Cartwright. Lydia’s mom came into the classroom today. She ripped into Mr. Cartwright in front of the whole class. It was hilarious. We were all laughing and Mr. Cartwright was pure red. He said that she was out of line and she said something like that he is a dinosaur and not the solution. I think I want Lydia to be my best friend.
Dear Wren,
I told Lydia today that I don’t even write my essays in class. I do them at home so Papa thinks I have homework and that when I’m here at school, I write to you. She said she thought her mom would approve because women have to stick together. I said I’m only twelve and not a woman and she said she was turning twelve soon, the day before I turn thirteen. I asked her what they do in their family for birthdays and she said it’s not much because it’s just her and her mom. Her mom makes a cake and she has a few friends over to watch movies.
I told her we don’t do much either and about the same, then I felt bad for lying because I really like her. She said maybe I could have a sleepover. I really want to. But I would feel bad if you had to be alone at night.
Dear Wren,
Mama said you missed me when I was at Lydia’s this weekend. I kept asking you if you did, but you said only a little bit. I didn’t mean to make you sad. Sometimes I get really mad that I feel like I have to be with you all the time, and then sometimes I just wish that I could take you with me wherever I go. It’s okay anyway, because I don’t think Papa approved of Lydia’s mom when she dropped me off. He probably won’t let me go there again, even if it’s just after school.
Dear Wren,
I was right. I’m not allowed any sleepovers again. I’m trying not to blame you, but Mama kept saying that you missed me. I think it’s because Mama wants to sleep and needs me to watch you.
Dear Wren,
I found this in my old backpack when I was getting it ready to give to you for school. I can’t believe I haven’t written in it for three years. Sorry. Ha-ha. You don’t even know that I write to you, so you don’t care.
Dear Wren,
Bobby Fiske asked me to go to the dance today. I thought he was joking and being mean, but he wasn’t. His friend wants to take Lydia and they asked us together. I already know I won’
t be allowed, but I said I would ask. If you never see me again, always remember that I love you.
Dear Wren,
Thank you for saying you would be good if I went to the dance.
Dear Wren,
Thank you thank you for being so good. I know you must have been super bored last night. When you asked me if I had fun I wanted to scream yes!! I had so much fun. I wish we were closer in age and you could do fun things, too. I’ve been saving my tips from the café and I’m going to ask if we can go to church camp when they go skiing. I think Mama might say yes if you come too and we share a room. Cross your fingers.
Dear Wren,
I want to tell you where I went one night when we were at church camp. I’m dying to tell Lydia, but she had to go away with her mom and won’t be back until January. But you remember that boy we were with on the chairlift? When you were skiing down the other run, he came up to me on his snowboard. That’s why I didn’t meet you at the bottom right away. We were talking and then he said did I want to go to a party later.
I really wanted to. I felt bad that I snuck out when you were asleep. I know you would have been scared if you woke up. I’m sorry! I was going to come back right away because when I found it, it was super loud and wild. It was like when Mama says those hooligans down the street are at it again. Not like the church parties, ha-ha.
So I was going to leave, but he saw me and he said where are you going? I said back to my sister. He walked me back to our room, but we went to his room, which was downstairs from us. Then we were kissing and we had sex! For real. When you’re old enough, I’ll tell you what it’s like. It’s not awful, but it’s kind of funny. He had never done it before either and said it was the best sex he ever had and I said me too and we were laughing. I really like him. He gave me his phone number. I wish I could call him. I wish I could write down his name, but I’m afraid to.
Dear Wren,
I know you think that I’m mad at you. I’m not. I just don’t know how to explain what’s going on. I told Lydia about church camp and she said did we use a condom. I said no because he didn’t have one and I asked him what if I get pregnant and he said I probably wouldn’t. I haven’t had my period. Lydia thinks I should talk to her mom.
Dear Wren,
I talked to Lydia’s mom and she said she would help me get an abortion. I feel sad because I think having a baby would be fun but we all know I wouldn’t be allowed to keep it anyway. So I’m going to phone the dad and tell him.
Dear Wren,
Lydia’s mom gave me a phone card yesterday after school and I waited at the mall until I had privacy. I talked to him and I told him I was getting an abortion and he didn’t say anything for a long time. I said are you there and he said he was and okay. Then I hung up and I’m trying not to think about it in class because it makes me want to cry again. I’m really scared.
Dear Wren,
I’m supposed to skip school on Friday and go with Lydia’s mom to a clinic. I’m really scared, mostly because I know I’ll get in trouble. Maybe not right away because Lydia’s mom said she would write me a note, but the school will report it on my attendance. Mama and Papa will find out and kill me. I’m trying to think of a good excuse.
Dear Wren,
I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry…
*
Sky flipped, but that was all her mom had written for seven pages, then it was only blank pages after that. She picked up the other one.
*
Dear Wren,
I saw you today. Oh my God it made me so happy and sad to see you. You just stared for a minute, like you couldn’t believe it either. Then you smiled, but looked kind of scared. You waved as you got onto the bus, though. I was going into the store to get a sippy cup for Sky and bought this notebook. I’m going to keep coming back to that store and hope that you come back to that bus stop. I’m crying. I’ve been writing to Sky, but I forgot how good it feels when I write to you. I miss you so much.
Dear Wren,
I’m sitting here at that same bus stop. I come here every day that I’m not working, about the time school gets out. I keep hoping I’ll see you again. I want to write to you, but I don’t want to miss seeing you. I wish I could come get you.
Dear Wren,
I asked Lydia’s mom if I could make it so you could come live with me, but she said it would be a tough sell. I don’t make enough money and I already use food stamps.
Dear Wren,
Oh my God, today the lady in the store at this bus stop came out and she said are you Mandy? And I said yes and she said that you would come back on Friday after school. Now I can’t wait till Friday. I’m shaking and crying and have to keep stopping writing to rock Sky because she’s crying, too. You don’t even know what my baby’s name is. That’s so funny. Except super sad. I can’t wait to hug you. I miss you so much.
Dear Wren,
Best day ever. See you next Friday.
Dear Wren,
I wish that you weren’t so scared. I know it’s really hard to believe that things aren’t the way that Mama and Papa always said. I mean, I know why you feel like you have to stay there and be good and everything. But now, when I look back and think about all the times that Mama made us so scared about going to hell, I think that we were already in it. Praying never got us out of that. I got out by leaving with Lydia’s mom and the police. That’s the only way. I wish I could make you see that.
Dear Wren,
I took so many pictures of you and Sky on my phone. I’m looking at them right now and they make me so happy. I wish I could send them to you.
Dear Wren,
I talked to Lydia’s mom and asked her how to make it so that you can be Sky’s guardian if something happens to me. She’s always telling me I should name someone, but the only other person I trust is Lydia and it’s a lot of work to have a baby. She’s going to be a social worker and help moms like me so I shouldn’t make her raise my baby. I shouldn’t make you do it, either, but I can see that Sky makes you so happy. Why won’t you come live with us?
Dear Wren,
You didn’t show up today. I’m worried.
Dear Wren,
You asked me today if I ever told Sky’s dad about her. I’ve been thinking about it since you left and this is why I haven’t told him. He turned into a famous athlete so I’m worried he would think I just had his baby to get his money. Also, he might say that I’m just a welfare white trash mom and take Sky away from me. I love her so much I would die if he did that. Aside from you, Sky is my only family and I never get to see you so I don’t want him to take her.
Also, even though he was nice to me that one night, and I liked him, I don’t really know him. What if he’s like Papa? Do you think he would marry me? I don’t. I think he would think I’m super boring. No guys that I talk to are ever interested after they know I have a little girl. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have more money, but even when Papa got that money from his work and we went on vacation like Mom wanted, it didn’t change anything.
I don’t agree with much that we were taught when we were growing up, but it’s true that as long as you have enough to eat and a roof over your head that’s actually all that’s important. That’s all I have with Sky, but I love her so much, even when I want to strangle her. I’m happier now than I ever was living at home.
*
“What the hell?”
Wren walked through the door from the manager’s office, workweek finally finished, and confronted a disaster. Sk
y had emptied all the drawers, pulled everything from the shelves, left all the cupboard doors open and had thrown back all the sheets on Wren’s bed. She had even dislodged the mattress.
Which was how she had found the diary she now held. She lifted her chin and had the gall to look angry, not guilty.
“Where are the missing pages from the other one?”
Reality began to hit.
“I can’t believe this.” Wren could tell by the towels lumped against the open door to the bathroom that the cupboard under the sink had been ransacked as well. She tried not to think of what questions Sky might have after reading the contents of the diary, but she began to tremble with outrage. “You have a lot of work ahead of you, don’t you?”
“Granddad was strict and Nana made you go to church. Oh, no. What a big secret.” Sky flipped the diary onto the bed. “My mom was going to get an abortion. I already knew that. Why wouldn’t you let me read this?”
“Because it’s mine and none of your business.” A deeper sense of betrayal quivered through her. Emotions she never let herself feel or even acknowledge, but they were rumbling through her like a train. Creating a vibration that dislodged all her compartments from their tight little spaces.
“It’s about my mom and dad. And what is the part with the police? You yell at me all the time, but I never got in trouble with the police. What happened?”
“Skylar—” She ignored the hot tendrils of fury creeping through her chest, resisted the crushing sensation of judgment and tamped down on the sting of betrayal.
“Was it about my mom? Did she get arrested? Why did she write that she was sorry sorry sorry for three hundred pages?”
“Because she was. Clean this up. Now.” Wren pointed, but that was as much movement as she was capable of. Her feet wouldn’t unstick from the floor. Something sharp had pinned her in place and was piercing from her throat, through her heart, into her belly and all the way down her legs to the feet she had curled inside her shoes.