In Too Deep

by Dani Collins

  “Because of Sky? You said there was bad blood even after Mandy died.”

  “Mandy told me stories about how our father used to play with her and Neil in the yard, but I never saw that man. I barely saw him. He lives in his workshop. He lost his job when they lost Neil. He fixes cars, bicycles, makes signs and bird houses.”

  “That’s his only income?”

  She could tell what he was thinking.

  “There was government money when Sky came to live with us, because she would have been in the foster system otherwise.” That had been the only reason her father had agreed to Sky living with them. “We always had groceries and it paid for her daycare until she was in school. It wasn’t fancy, but it was fine.”

  It had been a hideous struggle, actually, and he seemed to suspect it. He looked from one of her eyes to the other.

  She looked down, feeling judged. Guilty.

  “I needed Sky in my life,” she said, wincing at how selfish it sounded, but: “I honestly couldn’t imagine you loving her as much as I did.”

  She wasn’t trying to put him on the spot, but his cheeks hollowed as he absorbed that, maybe because he couldn’t say that he did love Sky. Not yet. Would he? She certainly hoped so, but judging him by his online antics and contentious relationship with his father and brother, she had to reserve judgment.

  “You didn’t even give me a chance, Wren.”

  She bit the inside of her cheek, but he seemed determined to dig all the way to the bottom of this.

  “True,” she acknowledged. “But how would you have felt twelve years ago, before you even had a single gold medal? Was your mother going to raise her? What would that have looked like for you?”

  “To paraphrase you, don’t act like you’ve done me a favor.”

  She dropped her gaze, stinging with shame. Maybe even regret, but the what-if game was an endless list of alternate realities. What if Neil had lived? Her childhood might have been a happier one, but Sky might not exist. If Wren hadn’t come back into Mandy’s life, and Mandy hadn’t been rushing to meet her, would she still have been hit by that car? If Trigg had taken Sky when she was a baby, would she be a happier child now? Would Mandy still be alive?

  Wren had learned a long time ago that she couldn’t fix the past or control the future. All she could do was her best in the now.

  Was she doing her best by Sky? She honestly didn’t know.

  Trigg seemed to attack the rest of his plate as though hurrying to finish. She had lost her own appetite and wanted to leave. This conversation had taken an emotional toll, not that she let it show, but inside she was churning with angst. She didn’t want him to hate her for the choices she had made. She’d been young and scared and sad. Still was, to be honest.

  “I don’t know what I would have done,” he admitted in a low voice. “Mom was a wreck after losing Dad. She was doing what she could with Wikinger, but the board was giving her a hard time. Rolf shut down, barely talked to anyone. When Mandy called, she sounded like the decision was made and my input didn’t matter.”

  He stared into the distance, seeming to go back in time.

  “Although…I was shocked and didn’t say much. I believe in a woman’s right to choose. But I didn’t offer her any alternatives. I have to own that.” His gaze came back to Wren, grave. “I was scared. I didn’t see how I could fit an unplanned pregnancy into my life. I couldn’t go to Mom with it, so I left it up to Mandy.”

  He had his forearms braced on either side of his plate, voice so quiet, she strained to hear him.

  “When I won my first gold, I knew it was because Mandy had made that decision. All of my wins have been bittersweet. I had to win, given that I might not have had the chance if I’d had to get married or…” He shrugged. “I’ve never let myself think too much about what I would have done.”

  Because he hadn’t been given a chance to.

  She firmed her mouth against a tremble and looked away.

  A flash of movement by the pond caught her eye. Aiden throwing sticks for Murphy. Nate and Ilke had their hands linked and were exchanging remarks that made each other smile. Aiden said something and Ilke squatted to fix his shoe. Aiden propped his hand on her shoulder. She made a face at him and the side of his cheek grew round with a grin. Murphy bounded up and shook the water off his fur, making them all turn away with cries of protest.

  They were a picture-perfect, adorable family. A jagged lump of envy lodged behind Wren’s sternum.

  “Have you felt held back?” Trigg asked.

  “From?”

  “Whatever you would have pursued if you hadn’t been raising Sky.”

  She dredged up a self-deprecating tilt of her lips. “Keeping us clothed and fed was challenge enough.” And she had done a pretty good job, in her humble opinion.

  Had she dreamed of one day being part of a family like the one she was watching at the edge of the pond? Maybe, deep down, below all the layers of practicality and acceptance of reality, but she had learned to keep her ambitions achievable. Life was too depressing otherwise.

  “My dream was to give Sky whatever she needed, but she obviously needed you. Which makes me feel like I wasn’t enough. That’s hard.”

  *

  Trigg hadn’t invited her to eat with him so they could wade through emotional sludge. He was rarely this serious. If he shared some of his past, it was in a throwaway manner. Until a few months ago, he’d never told a soul about Mandy. Nate had been the first and even then, Trigg had tried not to think or feel too deeply.

  He couldn’t avoid his feelings with Wren, though, no matter how uncomfortable they were. Animosity and a sense of being cheated were the easy ones to acknowledge and accept. But as selfish as her actions were in keeping Sky’s existence from him, she hadn’t done it maliciously. Her devotion to Sky was actually quite selfless.

  Meanwhile, one of his many goals was to provide for Sky. He wouldn’t even call it a goal. Goals were things you had to work at. Looking after Sky was a matter of pulling a credit card from his wallet. The fact Wren had struggled to feed his daughter sent a prickling sensation into the pit of his gut. She’d literally been a kid raising a kid, younger than he would have been if he’d somehow raised Sky himself.

  Could he honestly argue that his mother hiring a nanny would have given Sky a better start?

  Maybe if Wren had been complaining about how hard it had been, he could stay indignant, but she was beating herself up for not being the father Sky had a very natural desire to know. For not being enough.

  He would always be bitter he hadn’t known Sky sooner, but a sense of gratitude toward Wren kept rolling through him. Admiration for the way she had stepped up. It made him all the more determined to do his part now, and do it well. He intended to be whatever Sky needed in ways that were both material and abstract.

  Even though he didn’t have a freaking clue what that might entail.

  Even though he could see that everything he offered Sky moving forward would have a cost for Wren. It would highlight what she wasn’t able to give Sky. That wasn’t his intention. He didn’t want to be malicious. He just wanted to do right by his daughter.

  If only he could resent Wren. It would make this a hell of a lot easier, but she sat there looking so innocent and vulnerable with her lack of makeup and casual ponytail and wistful gaze toward the pond. She tugged at something inside his chest that rarely moved.

  He glanced to see what held her attention. Nate and Ilke were sealed together like conjoined twins, watching Aiden throw the stick for the dog.

  Try as he might, Trigg couldn’t picture himself doing something like that with Mandy. She’d been sweet, but Wren was right. He would have chafed at marriage, insisting on training. He had been self-interested, stubborn, and immature back then. They would have divorced within a year.

  He glanced back at Wren and she twitched her mouth into a half-smile.

  “I was thinking it’s too bad there’s no gazebo. It would be a beautiful place
for the wedding photos. Everyone could watch the ceremony from the balconies.”

  Something in her expression made him doubt that’s what she’d been thinking, but he was thrilled to move on to a neutral topic.

  “It was discussed at length, but the bottom of the pond is two feet of silt on bedrock. Tough to get posts into it. That little beach along with the one on the other side are grandfathered in for canoe and kayak access, but building a foundation for a gazebo would have damaged the shoreline when the whole resort is trying to keep its image as green as possible. Then there’s the ice rink. The hockey players on staff were vocal about not wanting a gazebo clogging up their end zone.”

  She pointed to the far side of the pond. “When I saw the lodge from that side, it made me think of a field trip I went on once, to an old fort on a river. We went across on one of those cable ferries that you crank by hand—What?” Her face fell as he let his exasperation show.

  “It could be removed for winter and tourists would love it. Where the hell were you four months ago when Mom was having kittens because she wanted a gazebo so bad?” He kept his teasing frown of mock impatience on his face as he picked up his phone and speed-dialed Nate.

  Down by the water, Nate drew his phone from his back pocket and looked at the screen, then brought it to his ear. “Go for Nate.”

  “Get your mechanical pencil out, Frank Lloyd Wright. You’re designing a wedding present for your boss and Glory. We can even take up a collection from everyone who’s been asking if the happy couple needs a blender or a Crock-Pot. Wren and I are coming down to talk it out.”

  Chapter Eleven

  FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Jun 17th

  Trigg Johansson

  Whiskey Jack Resort

  c/o Wikinger Sports

  America’s Favorite Snowboarder Takes on His Greatest Challenge: Fatherhood

  Haven, MT: Trigg Johansson, half-pipe, super-pipe, and slope-style snowboard champion, learned recently that he is a father. The girl’s mother is deceased, but her family reached out to provide Skylar Snow a chance to meet her father. “My entire family is delighted to welcome Skylar into our lives. I retired to make time for her and look forward to building our relationship,” Johansson states.

  Johansson, twenty-nine, left competition shortly after dominating at the Olympics in Pyeongchang, and recently achieved his tenth gold and eighteenth medal overall at the Winter X Games. Johansson currently holds the position of vice president at Whiskey Jack Resort, the elite winter-sport training facility scheduled to open this fall.

  The resort is owned by Wikinger Sports, which operates out of Berlin, Germany. Wikinger is a leading manufacturer of sports equipment and apparel, posting revenue of nine billion dollars last quarter. The company is headed by Johansson’s brother, Rolf Johansson, former alpine ski champion, who is soon to marry Glory Cormer, romance author and daughter of bestselling romance novelist Kathleen Cormer.

  Skylar, twelve, hasn’t grown up in the spotlight. Johansson requests the media keep inquiries to a minimum as the family takes this important time getting to know one another.

  *

  Sky read the press release when it came out, but didn’t think much of it. She had already suffered through being introduced around the base yesterday and people staring at her in the dining room. One of the housekeepers had passed her in the hallway and said, “You’re really Trigg’s kid? That’s so wild!” The guy who’d been giving her cigarettes had basically told her to get lost. “You should have told me. I need this job.”

  She was so glad when Auntie Wren told her they were making a day of going to the movies and picking up some things for Nate in Kalispell. Part of her wanted to stay mad about everything and for Auntie Wren to keep driving until she didn’t have to think about any of this anymore.

  But part of her felt okay about staying at Blue Spruce Lodge. It was still boring as recycled toilet paper, but she had a dog, which was a huge bonus. She had had to let Vivien feel her up, taking her measurements and telling her she had to be part of the wedding, but the picture of the dress was really pretty. She couldn’t wait to try it on.

  Vivien had told her the guest list included a supermodel who was married to one of Rolf and Trigg’s ski buddies. There was also an actress Sky had seen in two movies, a sir who was related to Will and Harry, and a deejay from Berlin who she’d looked up and learned had worked with all the megastars. It was sick that she was going to hang out with famous people, even if they were adults and probably just as boring as normal ones.

  She had also learned how rich Trigg was. He’d been a bit of a dick about it, saying he would give her an allowance so he could take it away when he thought she was out of line. She had thought Auntie Wren was a pain about rules and grounding and stuff.

  She still felt bad about their fight, like she was a horrible niece. She couldn’t tell if Auntie Wren was still mad. She was being really quiet, but said they deserved some retail therapy, thanks to her first full paycheck. After they shopped in Kalispell, which was not a huge city, they went to a busy café for lunch. It felt a lot like one of their old, normal weekends where they hung out and said, “Yeah, that’s cute,” and “What are you having?” Just a nice, chill day.

  Except Sky nervously dunked her ice cubes with the end of her straw, trying to figure out if she would make things worse if she asked what she wanted to ask.

  “What’s wrong?” Auntie Wren asked as they waited for their food.

  “I keep wondering… Why did my mom tear out the pages and where did they go? If you don’t want to tell me, I understand.” She made herself say that, even though it would kill her if Auntie Wren said she didn’t want to talk about it.

  Auntie Wren sighed. Sipped her own water. Folded her arms on the table and looked blanky-blank, but she didn’t say, Maybe later.

  “Your mom missed her appointment at the clinic and stopped going to school. Aunt Lydia called a couple times, but Nana wouldn’t let Mandy talk to her. After a few weeks, Lydia’s mom came with a policeman. Your mom was old enough to go with them, so she did. She wanted to take me with her, but Granddad said no. Your mom told the policeman what he had done, but there weren’t any welts or anything. The policeman said I’d have to go into foster care until things were sorted out. I didn’t want to go to a stranger’s house, so I said nothing happened.”

  “But—”

  “I know.” Auntie Wren looked like a super-sad robot. “I should have been honest, but your mom was leaving and Nana was crying. The police were talking about taking Granddad to jail. I was really scared and said what I thought would put things back to normal. Some of Nana’s church friends were there, trying to talk your mom out of leaving. I went to stay with Mrs. VanderKamp for a few nights. Then I went home and Granddad went to classes with the pastor and got medication. I thought I would be able to talk to your mom after things settled down, but Aunt Lydia went away to college and I didn’t know how to get her number.”

  “Did Granddad ever hit you again?”

  “No.” Auntie Wren was talking so quiet, it was hard to hear her over all the other voices in the restaurant. “After I saw your mom again, she was mad that I was still living with them, but it was honestly okay. Just lonely. She wrote everything into your diary and ripped it out and gave it to me. She said I should use it to get out of the house. If I could have lived with you and her, I would have, but she couldn’t afford it and I didn’t want to be taken away from Nana and sent to foster care. I asked Aunt Lydia to hang on to them. When your mom died, I told Nana about the pages, so she would know I could use them if Granddad ever did anything to you, but it was fine.”

  “Does Aunt Lydia still have them?”

  “No. I made a will when Nana got sick. It says that you’re Trigg’s, so I knew if anything happened to me, you would go to him, not Granddad. Then I burned them.”

  Sky wanted to ask why, even though she thought she understood without asking why Auntie Wren would want to destroy that proof.


  Then she was distracted by Auntie Wren looking past her with her eyes wide and her mouth hanging open.

  Sky turned around and saw a picture of herself with Trigg on the television. It was tuned to a sports channel. It was too noisy to hear what they were saying and no one was even looking at them or the TV, but Sky slouched deeper into their booth.

  “Are you okay?” Auntie Wren asked.

  “I’m on TV.” She was freaking out.

  “Have you heard from any of your friends since the press release went out?”

  “A couple. Vivien said I shouldn’t answer right away. I mean, Grandma said that.” She rolled her eyes, but her insides felt really, really squishy and maybe this was her very first asthma attack.

  Auntie Wren wrinkled her nose. “Does that bother you?”

  “Calling her Grandma? I don’t know.” She didn’t want any of this to bother her. She didn’t want Auntie Wren to ask how she was feeling and she especially didn’t want to feel like she wanted to tell her. She wanted to stay mad, which was way easier.

  “I don’t want to tell you that you were right,” Sky said.

  “About?”

  Sky groaned. “About all of this being something I can’t undo. Or that I have to give it a chance and that it’ll be awkward until I get used to it. This bites.”

  “Not from this side of the table. You just told me I’m right.” Auntie Wren pretended to lick her finger and add a point to a scoreboard.

  “So cool. It’s really astonishing I give you such a hard time.”

  Their food arrived and Auntie Wren bit the end off one of her fries, but she wasn’t laughing or even smiling. She was wearing her serious face.

  “I honestly don’t know if I’m in the right or wrong. Maybe I waited too long on a bunch of things with you.” Her eyebrows crinkled together and her mouth went down at the corners. “I had to grow up really fast. I wanted to let you be a carefree kid as long as possible. But maybe I’ve been trying to protect you when you’re mature enough to handle more than I give you credit for.”