by Hart, Eve R.
I think I shocked her when I started to open up all at once. I wouldn’t say that I’m quiet in those sessions, but most of the time I’ve been here, I feel like I’m always trying to explain what is going on in my head. Almost like I know there is something there but I’m not entirely sure how to articulate what it is and how it makes me feel. But today… today I felt.
I would not say it was exactly easy to do so, but I pushed through. It might seem silly, but I feel stronger now.
You are the first person I thought of once I got back to my room. I wanted to share this day, this step, with you.
Hope you are well.
I.
Ingram,
I’m proud of you. Your letter made me smile.
M.
M,
It’s alright if you don’t respond. I think I need this. These letters, they make me feel better, even back when I wasn’t sure if you were getting them. I hope that doesn’t make me selfish. I guess it might be a little late for that. I’m sure you have a life and things going on. I hope you don’t feel like you have to read these.
I don’t know if I ever told you thank you for all that you did for me. I wanted to say that now before I forgot again.
Chry caught a bad cold. It was his first really bad one. Sometimes he gets a runny nose and sneezes. I was told he has mild allergies. But this time he had a fever and just kept crying. I felt so helpless. Nothing I did seemed to soothe him even a little bit. The pediatrician told me it was a bad head cold and that he had an ear infection on top of it, which was why he was screaming and crying so badly. It took two days for the medication to make his pain ease.
It was awful. I think the feeling of failing as a parent is the worst feeling in the world. I know things like that are going to happen and are out of my control but it didn’t make it any easier.
But he is better now and I have some great news to share with you.
I now know how to drive. Yes, they have been teaching me here and I officially have passed the test that says I can drive legally. The picture on the card looks horrible though. Everyone here assures me that they all look that way, but I’m not so sure. I think they are just trying to be nice.
I also have been working. They make this goat milk soap here and sell it at a thing called a Farmer’s Market. It’s very neat. There are all these locally made things and food from people who live in the area. I love making the soap, it’s very relaxing. But I love going out and talking to the people that come to buy it from our little stand more.
I have been putting money aside to buy a car and I think I’ll be able to get one soon. That is very exciting!
I feel like I’m always going on about my life and you don’t share much of what is going on with you. Please tell me how things are. I miss all of you and I feel a little sad that I’m not there. Tell me what I have missed in your life. I wonder how you’re doing all the time.
I.
Ingram,
You’re not selfish. Nothing about you is selfish. I’m glad that I can help you through this in some way, even if I don’t respond as much as I should.
It doesn’t mean that I’m not thinking about you. I do. Often. And I wonder how you and Chry are doing all the time. I worry about both of you. Sometimes I hate myself for helping you get there. Not because I don’t want you to find yourself and get what you need. But because… you’re so far away. I have no clue how much longer you’re going to be there or even if you’re going to come back here when you think it’s time to fly. I guess, I’m just ready for you to start your life and I need to know that you and Chry are safe. I don’t think that anything would happen to you there and that helps. But I worry about what happens next. I suppose I shouldn’t say these things because more than likely you’re trying to focus on getting to that point. See, I’m a horrible friend. I put more on you than you need to think about.
How is little dude doing? I wish I could hear his laugh. I wish I could see him grow and walk. But I’m glad you two are safe.
Some days I miss you harder than others. And I don’t know if that is right.
M.
M,
There has been a shift in the air around me. I feel it and I know that the time is coming soon. Not yet, but soon. I’m almost ready to fly. I’m scared and also very much excited. I don’t think it would be normal if I wasn’t a little scared to be on my own though. I’ve spent nearly two years here and I realize that is a long time. I have a routine and schedule here. I have support and love from people here. I have people that understand me and what I’ve gone through here. I’m nervous about how it will be once I leave this place. Mostly, how I will handle people that don’t understand me.
Why is it so easy for me to voice these things to you? I feel like when I sit in Dr. Walsher’s office and in the group sessions, I know they are there but it’s like I can’t always explain them so well. I’m lucky that they understand what I’m going through, because they are going through it too. So times when I get frustrated because I can’t voice the fears in my head, they step in and say them for me.
However, when I sit down and pick up a pen and think about you, it all comes flowing out like water. There is no hesitation here.
I’m not sure if I should say this, but I cannot wait to see you again. I know the time will come one day when our lives will collide again. And I’m a little scared and excited about that too.
I.
CHAPTER ONE
Ingram
“How are you feeling today, Ingram?”
I sighed and walked over to the window. The pond was just beyond the horse pasture and from this third story window, the ducks floating on the outer edge looked like little tiny dots. I followed those dots as they made their way around like they were not sure where they wanted to go.
Every session started out the same.
With that very question.
And while I should have come in here with an answer prepared and waiting on the tip of my tongue, I usually had no clue how to respond.
“Okay,” I said and shook the haze from my brain as I turned to face Dr. Walsher.
The same question.
The same response.
Every time.
I kept saying that one day I was going to come in here and shake things up but it never happened. It looked like it wasn’t going to happen now either. Or ever.
It was not like I didn’t want to try or give this my all. It was more that I felt like it was such an odd way to start off these sessions. It was an odd way to start off anything. My feelings had never mattered before. In that place— back at the camp, I guess you could say, I was just a body. A mindless robot moving around and serving one person. I followed everything blindly and believed every single word because that was what I was supposed to do.
I didn’t have the taste and knowledge of the outside world like how Ky had. Even though he was still very young when they brought him there, he had an understanding that things in that place were different. Not right, even. But since I was born into it, I was completely clueless.
“This is your last session, Ingram. How do you feel about that?”
Always with the stupid feelings.
“Good,” I said with a forced smile as I took a seat on the overly used couch across from her.
“You’re leaving in three days. Are you excited about that?”
“Yes,” I said and gave a genuine smile this time.
“You’re going to live with your brother and his boyfriend, correct?”
“I am.” The excitement was clear in my tone.
I called Ky and told him I was ready to leave here. I felt like I had gotten everything I needed and was ready to start the next part of my adventure. Or my real life, as I kept thinking of it in my head. I was ready to try the whole normal-real-world thing. But I wasn’t supposed to call it that. That was one of the big things here, we weren’t supposed to look at it like we hadn’t led a normal life. We, not so simply, had a different upbringing an
d were working on changing our thought processes.
I didn’t want to say that it was all complete crap, because I was really grateful for everything that they had done for me here. But sometimes, it seemed a little too positive.
I honestly was really excited to get back to Ky and Chris and everyone. I was ready to be surrounded by the feeling that I had when I was there. Though I was clearly different, no one treated me so. I realized all the strain and weirdness that I felt had been there because I put it there.
I didn’t hate this place, not by a long shot. I had grown. I had learned a lot of things. I had made friends and said goodbye to some, as well. I had found myself in a big way. I was ready to face the next phase in my life and I was ready to make a place for myself and Chry.
“They have been very supportive while you’ve been here.” She said it like a statement but I knew that she wanted me to feed off of it and talk more.
“They have. Ky and Chris have been wonderful. I honestly don’t know what I would have done without them.”
I told Ky I wanted to surprise Chris with my return home. I loved Chris just as much as I loved my brother. He had been so great from the moment I showed up at the club’s place lost and looking for Ky. My poor brother didn’t know what to do with me and I think if Chris hadn’t stepped up and offered for my brother and me to stay at his place, Ky would have gone crazy trying to figure out what to do.
Ky said he would handle everything and I trusted him to do that. I was a little nervous not knowing the details though.
He had quite simply told me to ‘just show up.’
That should have been simple enough.
“How are you really feeling about going back there?”
I wasn’t sure what to call it. Home felt like such a strange word to me. It was more the people that felt like home but I also hadn’t been there long enough to really be able to put that label on it. But I wanted it to be.
“I’m a little scared. I want everything to work out but I’m also afraid that I will come back and disrupt everyone’s life again.”
I took in a deep breath. Sometimes it made me feel better to admit things out loud but I wasn’t sure if now was one of those times.
“It’s just…” I let the words die off as I tried to think of the right way to put it. “It has been two years. A lot can change in that time. I know I have changed. What if I go back there and everything is different? What if I can’t find a way to fit in?”
I knew she wasn’t really going to give me any advice.
“Ingram,” she said and my gaze instantly snapped to hers. There was a sigh in her tone and I felt like she was letting the hard therapist exterior slip a little. “I have to be honest, I’m not sure about you leaving here and going to get caught up in a motorcycle club. From what you’ve told me, they seem like good, supportive people. But the thing is, Ingram, sometimes, their world can be different than the one the rest of us live in.”
I stared at her blankly.
I wasn’t really sure what she was trying to say.
And maybe I didn’t see it because I wasn’t used to this world that she lived in. With my background, nothing normal seemed normal. I didn’t even know what normal was.
“I only worry that after all the work you’ve done here, you’re going to walk away and find yourself in another situation.” I still wasn’t getting what she was saying.
But I guessed it didn’t really matter because it was done. I was going back to live with Ky and Chris. I had a home there. I had love and support there. And I had never felt anything but protection from the other members of the club.
“Ky is my brother. And Chris loves me and Chry,” I said like that should have somehow been enough. I wasn’t understanding why it wouldn’t be.
I was pretty sure I heard her sigh under her breath. Which seemed a little out of character for her.
“What are you’re plans moving forward? How will you take care of Chry and work?” she asked, changing tactics.
“I plan to get a job and I’m sure between the three of us, Chry will be taken care of. And if I have to seek out help, I am prepared to look into daycares.” It was as honest as I could get right now. While I was nervous about the daycare thing, I had already made the decision that if I had to, then I would. As long as I was taking care of Chry and myself, then it would be worth it.
“And you’re going to be alright with letting him go like that?”
I looked at her strangely.
“Look, Ingram. I’m not trying to be negative here, I only want to make sure that you are prepared for everything. You have made great progress here and I would hate for you to go back to your brother’s place and become overwhelmed.”
“I understand what you’re saying,” I told her looking her in the eyes. “I do worry about things I’m still unsure of but I also know that I will have support back home. My real home. That is where Chry and I belong. I think you know me well enough by now that you can see that I don’t shut down and get tripped up by the smallest thing. And that if I need help, I know all I have to do is ask.”
She gave me a nod and a genuine smile.
“Then, I suppose there is nothing else to say,” her tone was light and I relaxed a little. I wasn’t sure if she was testing me or if it was something else, but I felt like if it was a test, I may have passed. “You can always call me and if you want to find someone down there to see, I can help you with that too.”
“Thank you,” I told her and got to my feet. “I think that I’m ready to face the world but I will not hesitate to reach out if I feel the need to.”
I left her office and headed back to my room. I hadn’t come here with much but somehow over the last two years, I had accumulated a room full of things. I blamed a lot of that on Chris and Ky because over half of the stuff in the small space was Chry’s.
It felt strange to have things that were mine. It was odd to own little trinkets and such that didn’t really have a purpose. Like the clay flower that was brightly colored yellow. It was simply a decoration but it made me feel happy and warm whenever I looked at it.
I remembered the day I bought it. I had been working the farm’s stand at the local Farmer’s Market and took a little break to look around. I was checking out some fresh eggs from one of the farms nearby and I looked over and saw it in the next tent. There were so many handmade clay items. Vases, cups, plates, and so on. But what caught my eye was a small flower. It was shiny and when I touched the petals, it was smooth and cool under my fingertips. I knew I didn’t need it, but there was something in my head telling me that it was alright to want it. So I asked the woman behind the table how much and gave her some money I had earned from working.
She thanked me with a warm smile and I thought of that sometimes too when I looked at it.
I didn’t go overboard when I saw things that I liked. My room wasn’t cluttered and weighed down by objects everywhere. Still, I felt like I could let go of a few items.
So I spent the next few days playing with Chry and going through everything I had set aside to think about.
My car wasn’t all that big and I knew I had to make sure that what I was taking would fit in there.
I had one last group session and said my goodbyes. There was a cake after dinner celebrating the next step I was taking. I might have gotten a little teary eyed.
The next morning, after showing one of the ladies that helped run the place all the things I was leaving behind to be donated to some place, I packed up my car. Then I said my last goodbyes to the few people I’d become close to. Which, I could admit were a little sad. I knew I’d never see or talk to these people again. It was better that way. Or so I thought.
Keep moving forward, I constantly told myself. I would find a little place in this world for myself and I believed that one day they would as well.
CHAPTER TWO
Mouse
“Hey, man, got a minute?” Ky asked, catching me as I was about to head out.
> “Yeah, what’s up?”
“Ingram’s coming home,” he said and I could hear a little hint of excitement in his voice.
I wasn’t sure what to think.
Life sort of paused for a second the moment those words filtered into my ears, but I couldn’t explain why.
Ingram and I hadn’t exactly kept in touch. Not really. Or that was what I liked to tell myself.
She’d sent me letters. And I had been a shitty person and rarely sent any back. I tried to keep them to myself and I was pretty sure the only person that had an idea about the letters was Iron. He’d caught the first few and passed them along to me with a look that made me uneasy. Let’s just say, I quickly started making sure I was the one grabbing the mail right after it was dropped off.
Truth was, it took me a long time to even open the first few that came in. I stuffed them in my top dresser drawer and let them pile up until one day I found myself desperate for something good. Something sweet. Something that was away from the chaos that surrounded the club.
And I may have started a letter to her more times than I could count. It always ended up in the trash. I spilled everything that was in my head in those letters and deep down I knew I’d never send them. They had a little too much in them, if you get what I was saying. The club shit, yeah, it wore me down and sometimes I needed someone to talk to that wasn’t knee deep in it. It turned out, I was really just talking to myself— well, writing. So yeah, there was no way that I’d send them. One, it was club business and that shit didn’t get shared. And two, Ingram didn’t need to be tainted by such things.
But I did end up writing a few that I could send to her. I felt like most of them were short and basically a penned version of a fake smile.
And I hated it.
Because she deserved better than that.
I didn’t like being fake with her. We may not have known each other all that long, but there was something about her that made me feel at ease. I was able to open up around her. I really liked the times I was able to spend with her and I considered her a good friend. And for some strange reason, I felt the need to protect Ingram and Chry with every piece of my soul. I told myself it was because she was Ky’s little sister, so it made her family. I’d do the same for any of the people I considered family.